Lesson Two: Your Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past

Our next lesson in How to Be: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles is on the plot-filled significant of having a Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past. More than likely, your past will have at least five plot points in it, and therefore, it's extremely important as to what your past was, because even though the storyline's theme is supposedly about embracing the future, you have to have a past that scores a minimum average of 10 on the angst, drama, sob story, and ZOMG-really?! scales.

But fear not! We have broken down this tough and seemingly complicated assignment into four easy steps. If you follow them one by one, slow and steady, you'll surely win the race! So let's get going!

Step One: Your twin/clone/same soul/look alike must play an important father/mother/brother/sister/lover/friend/guardian figure in your past.

Step Two: A conflict must arise—preferably having to do with your existence, a rampant rage of demons in your country, your childhood friend/lover has lost her memories, the entire country hates you and your brother, or your mother is deathly ill.

Step Three: Your twin/clone/same soul/look alike or father/mother/brother/sister/lover/friend/guardian must die.

Step Four: You must have any of the following:

A) An emotional breakdown

B) A mental breakdown

C) An emotional and mental breakdown that involves holding on to your dead twin brother and not letting go even though you know he's dead

D) An emotional, mental, and physical breakdown that involves holding on to your dead father's sword and dead mother and not letting go even though she's dead and there are kind people waiting to help you.

E) Keeping relatively composed and holding on to your childhood friend/princess/lover as your country's high priest sends you to the local Dimensional Witch because that's a plot point.

F) Sacrifice your time and space and live in an alien tank for the next seven to eight years and watching the activities of your clone through your missing eye.

Once you've completed those four easy steps, it's now time to choose how you will come about revealing this amazingly Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past that you've conjured all by yourself!

You may either choose to:

A) Go to a world where there are magical books that suck you in and have your past knock your traveling companion into tears, then discuss the mechanics of your Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past with him.

B) Talk about your Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past seriously and meaningfully with your traveling companions, hoping they'll give you wise and kind advice, even though they aren't really listening.

C) Wait until your life and your traveling companions' lives are in mortal danger, before letting your guardian-turned-psycho-enemy-king showing a mental slideshow of your Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past.

D) Let the Dimensional Witch explain.

Phew! That was a lot of work for one lesson, wasn't it? But it was so rewarding! Because now you've got your Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Past that no one can take from you!

*Note: If you are a magician renegade, or a banished ninja, Sad, Shocking, Deep, Dark, Secretive, Hidden, No-one-can-know, Traumatizing Pasts may be hazardous to your health and a sensitive mental, emotional, physical, and otherwise topic.