Jumping From Helicopters

4/3/09 phoebsfan

Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing.

Possible Spoilers for: Whatever Happened, Happened

She can't help but admire the man that he has become. Can't help the part of her that still loves him.

She can finally admit that to herself. That she did love him, more than she'd loved anyone before him. But even that love hadn't been enough. She hadn't been strong enough, not able to give enough of herself.

She hadn't known how to really love. Neither of them had back then. He's right, they never would have worked out. They both had so much growing up to do. But that never stopped her from thinking about him when his little girl smiled. It never stopped her from wondering if he was ok. It never stopped her from insisting on the little things with Jack, from setting those boundaries between them that ultimately led to their destruction.

But it also never crossed her mind that she would be faced once more with the choice. To love him again would be so much worse this time around. So she wouldn't. She didn't want to hurt him that way. And even though Juliet had never been her favorite person, Kate was glad that she'd found happiness. Having experienced the feeling herself, Kate couldn't take that from her. She was done taking things that weren't hers.

The hardest thing she'd ever had to do was to give up the one thing she loved the most in the world. She wouldn't make someone else go through the same thing.

But that doesn't mean that the feelings aren't still there. It doesn't mean she doesn't miss him. Them.

It was so much easier to miss him long distance. So much easier to cry those silent tears hundreds of miles from him as opposed to the house next door. To wonder rather than to know.

There was too much finality in it. Too little hope. Too real. Too much.

She wonders now, what she ever saw in Jack. Sees him self destruct a little more every day. She's glad she finally learned how to live without. That the constant need for approval had died. Otherwise this would be unbearable. This knowing that the rest of her life will not include either man. Any man.

Oddly enough, she's ok with it. Sure it hurts when she sees what she could have had in another world. But there is no point in dwelling on it. She's learned how to give up those things that will only hurt her. She's learned how to let go.

She knows James better now than she ever did before. Understands him in ways she never could. Sometimes she thinks it's too bad she couldn't have this clarity earlier. That she fought changing so much, for so long, that she missed out on the good things.

Even though it hurts it's also a relief to know some things. To know that he jumped from the helicopter because he had to. Not because he was running, but because it was the right thing to do. He wasn't trying to be a hero anymore than she is by coming back. To lay that fear to rest is almost worth the rest of the truth.

There are some things that just are. Some things that just have to be done. She understands that so much better than she did before.

She has found something that has eluded her all her life. Peace of mind. The knowledge that what she is doing is the right thing to do. There are no doubts. No voice in the back of her mind telling her that she is fooling herself, that she isn't a good person.

Yes, she has made mistakes. Her past is littered with bad choices and wrong turns. But she has learned that she can't live in the past with those mistakes. She has learned she can't undo them by trying to save everyone. She has to live in the present, make the right choices every day. Redemption isn't an all inclusive package. It comes in quiet moments, in little things, slipping in secretly when least expected and disappears just as fast. It comes in living, in continuing on. It's a life long process, there is no switch to flip. And it mostly goes unnoticed, for which she is surprisingly grateful.

Forgiveness is something she has to give herself before she can expect it from anyone else, she has learned. And though there will be consequences for every action, she is no longer afraid to face them. There will be nothing in her life harder than walking out that door and leaving her baby behind. There is nothing to fear in this. This experience is just a temporary state of being, and will pass before she realizes it. So though it hurts when he tells her he's doing it for Juliet, she won't trade a moment of the time she does have with him.

And even if she fails, even if she can't find Claire and her trip back here does nothing more than dredge up old feelings. Even if she never sees Aaron again. There is nothing she can do to change it. If that is the way it is meant to be, then she will be content knowing that she had the best thing she could ever hope to have. She missed nothing and she did her best to do what was best for her son. More importantly, she would do it again in a heartbeat.

She's grateful for every minute she got. She's been more than lucky. She wants to return the favor.

Because now that she's jumped from her helicopter she feels surprisingly free.

In that minute of hesitation before jumping it seemed like her world was going to end. She could not see what the future would hold. She just knew it wouldn't include him. And when she raised her hand to knock on that motel door, she couldn't help but remember all the times she'd been there before. All the times she'd failed to jump. All the times she'd run from that final decision. All the people caught in the crossfire of her recklessness. And she'd known that this time it would be different.

Because it had to be. It was past time she jump.

The fear has been gone since. The doubt and the oppressive worry. And even though the sadness remains, it's bittersweet. It doesn't overwhelm her or encompass her in an immovable field of grief.

There was a time when she thought crashing on a deserted island was the worst thing to happen to her, that going back was something she could never do, now she sees it as one of the best things. It gave her so much more, made her so much more. She can never go back.

She's finding that loving James is something she'll probably always do. It comes to her now as easily as loving Aaron did. But she can give him up for something better. Knowing that he has become what she always hoped he would is healing. Just like Aaron's arms around her neck were.

It's strange the way life works sometimes. Aaron healed her when she lost James. And now James would heal her after losing Aaron, even if he never knew it. Just knowing he would understand, was enough to keep her going when she couldn't quite remember Aaron's voice.

Because she loved them both, she would probably always want to be with them. She's finding that life is like that. That loving often means letting go. But letting go doesn't mean she can't still love them. She would always love Aaron as if he were her own, just as she would always love James for being the man who showed her how to forgive herself and being the only man she would ever love completely.

It just didn't matter anymore. She wasn't looking for someone to love her back. This was finally enough.