My Boyfriend is Better
author: Melby7777
Summary: Hidan and Deidara fight over who has the better boyfriend.
Disclaimer: Akatuski is owned by Masashi Kishimoto
Notes: a request from my deviant art sister, dezihetmezi. Also, it's not that great of a story...
When Hidan and Deidara tell their stories: Deidara or Hidan, the other one, Itachi. Got it…?

"Look Deidara, no matter how many fucking times you say it, I'll never believe you, seriously!" Hidan stated, flicking popcorn at the bomber.

The blonde growled at his friend. "But it's true, un! Sasori is way better than Kakuzu!"

Itachi sighed as the two began fighting, and since they were talking at the same time, it was all completely incoherent. It was ukes night at the base, but Tobi and Konan (yes, Konan is included since in a way, uke means woman) were busy with their semes. Meaning that Itachi had to listen to Hidan and Deidara bicker over whose boyfriend was better alone.

"Just admit it already Hidan, un! Kakuzu's a money greedy jerk who doesn't love you!"

"Yes he does! He's told me a lot of fucking times he loves me!"

"SHUT UP!" Itachi screamed out, making the younger men look over at him. "Look, I'll be the moderator as to whose boyfriend is superior. I just require some evidence by having you two tell me the best memoirs you have involving them. And trust me; I'll identify when you lie."

Deidara and Hidan glanced at one another, sitting back down into their spots on the bed. "Well, okay then… youngest first, Blondie."
"With pleasure, un!" Deidara replied, clearing his throat.

Danna and I were out on a mission one day when we were attacked, un. Sasori-danna used Hiruko's tail to kill most of them, and to protect me.

You've got to be kidding me… that's it?

Wait for your turn, Hidan.

Anyway, Danna may have said I was a brat for getting in the way, but the minute he saw a cut on my cheek he freaked, un.

"Deidara, what happened?" He had said, immediately coming out of Hiruko to get a better look. "When did they even get the chance to hit you?"

"I'm not sure Danna, un…" I replied, freaking out as well.

"Deidara, the cut is going to get infected!" Sasori-danna continued, throwing his arms up in the air.

I highly doubt that was the case…

Shut up, un! Well, he got really close to my face and licked the cut. Of course, it made me blush like crazy, but eventually I was able to ask why he was licking me.

"Because you look like you'd taste good…" Sasori-danna had retorted, and pushed me back against a tree, un.

I wasn't sure what he was doing, but he started licking my neck and cheek, biting my neck even, un! "Danna, what are you—"

He cut me off with a kiss though, and I melted into it. We practically made out before Zetsu came to tell us to go back to the base, un. But even if he interrupted us, it was the BEST first kiss between us…

Hold on, are you saying this was how you two got together?

Deidara nodded his head. "It sure was, un. Scared Zetsu and got me a man, un!"

Hidan laughed at the story. "He licked you… do puppets even have saliva?"

"My neck was wet, so yeah, un…" Deidara replied, and then paused to think. "Though, if I remember correctly, Sasori-danna told me that there wasn't really a cut on my face…"

"So he made it up…" Itachi murmured. "Alright, your turn Hidan; and since Deidara told us how he and Sasori got together, you have to inform us how you and Kakuzu got together."

The Jashinist sighed, shrugging his shoulders. "Alright then…"

Kakuzu is a bitch when it comes to getting a fucking place to sleep, seriously. "It's too expensive; it's too much money…" Blah, blah, blah…

Which is where my point comes in, un.

Shut up, that's not what this story is about! Well, I got really sick in the rain one day and Kakuzu kept sending me these worried looks. I finally asked him what the fuck was wrong with him. "We need to get you some place warm…" He had said to me, grabbing my wrist to pull me faster to the next town.

When we finally got to the town, he went into the most expensive looking place there and got us a room.

A room…? But when we all weren't dating, members constantly got two rooms.

Exactly, Itachi. One room for the both of us to share. It fucking surprised me when he did it, but Kakuzu did.

For a whole week, he took care of me. I was completely shocked the entire time, and did as I was told. He fed me himself, like the whole he'd hold the fork and put the food into my mouth thing. I remember he forced me to drink the juice the first time by kissing me.

But that's not how we got together. The last night, Kakuzu told me that we'd leave the next day but I didn't want to go. I liked having Kakuzu take care of me, but I was better and just needed one more nights rest.

"Hidan, you're not a kid; you can take care of yourself." He told me when I said I didn't want to leave. "Besides, it's not like I won't take care of you ever again."

So wait… he told you that and you guys were together…? That's lame, un.

No Blondie, that's not how it happened. He must have thought I was asleep or something, because I remember him kissing me in the middle of the night. Of course, I kissed back and it… kind of went from there.

"Essentially, you two got together after your first time…" Itachi muttered, Deidara sticking his tongue out in disgust.

Hidan smirked. "More like during the first three times…"

Deidara shook his head. "That's way too early into the relationship to be having sex, un…"

"Says you, Deidara-chan…" Hidan replied, sitting back with his arms behind his head.

Itachi looked over at Deidara. "You go again, Deidara."

"Right, un!"

Sasori-danna and I were headed back from a mission when he started talking.

"Dei, you did pretty well back there…" He had started with a smile on his face, un.

I smiled back. "Thanks Sasori-danna, un."

He nodded his head, looking up at the sky. "And… the more I think about it, your art isn't so bad. Your views of art are still wrong, but the art itself it beautiful and your abilities are… amazing…"

"Danna, are you complimenting me, un…?"

When he nodded I was completely shocked.

He complimented you, Blondie? I didn't think Sasori had it in him.

Me either, un. But he did, and not even one mention of his puppets. But he didn't stop at my abilities, un.

"You're beautiful in your own way, and your eyes always are shining like stars. I love the feeling of your hair between my fingers, even if I don't truly feel how soft it is. Your skin is smooth, and I love the way you move in my arms when you sleep beside me."

He kept going on and on, saying so many different things he liked about me. Most of them I'd never even thought were a good thing, un. But Danna had said he liked them and…
"I love everything about you, Deidara."

"How far into your relationship was this?" Itachi inquired.

Deidara looked over at the weasel. "About three months, un… why?"

"So he told you in only three months…" Itachi murmured, mentally noting it. "Okay Hidan, enlighten us on the first time Kakuzu told you he loves you."

We were headed to the base and I kept complaining about the cold weather.

"Hidan, would you shut up already!" Kakuzu growled back at me.

I growled in return. "No, seriously… it's fucking cold…"

"Why do I love an idiot like you…?" He muttered, probably thinking I wasn't listening.

I heard though. "Did you just say you love me?"

Kakuzu didn't say anything back. Well except for "Shut up…"

"You love me, don't you Kakuzu?"

"What of it, Hidan?"

I laughed at him, telling him to be so shy on me.

That's not very kind of you; he is your boyfriend after all.

Yeah, but it was funny as hell because his face turned red.

"I'll kill you one of these days…" He had murmured under his breathe, but I just continued to laugh at him. Of course, he cut my head off and I started bitching at him to stitch it back on.

His threads grabbed my head, and I was looking into his eyes in an instant. Kakuzu caught me off guard when he kissed me.

Wow… kissing a decapitated head, un; that's creepy…

Whatever, Deidara… Well, when he pulled away he smirked at me. "Yes, I love you. Now shut up and maybe I'll stitch your head back on."

"Threats, decapitation, confessing it and kissing…" Itachi said, shaking his head. "So much to do in one day…"

Hidan shrugged. "Well, you have to know whose boyfriend is better by now, right?"

Itachi nodded. "I knew all along whose was better."

Deidara and Hidan got close to their friend. "Well…?"

"Which one, un…?"

Itachi looked between the two and smirked. "Kisame, duh…"

The younger two looked confused. "Kisame…?"

"Yeah, he's my boyfriend and better than yours." With that, Itachi got up and left the room.

Deidara looked over at Hidan. "I still say Sasori is better, un."

"Screw you, Blondie. Kakuzu is way better."