Goin' Nowhere

by Go-Go Spiders

Rating : PG

Pairing: Light Dr. Cockroach/Susan

***

"Doc, what is that gunk?" Susan sat on the floor of the sterile common room. The Missing Link, feeling under the weather, was sleeping curled at the bottom of his tank. Without Link to keep it company, Insectosaurus had lost interest in the smaller monsters and now sat in the center of the room staring straight up at the bank of florescent lights overhead, seemingly hypnotized. B.O.B was on the other side of the large table, amusing himself with the leftover oatmeal Susan had eaten for breakfast every morning over the past two weeks. Susan had never liked oatmeal that much, and she liked the government-issued oatmeal even less. It was too dry and lumpy, and they never gave her enough orange juice to make the oatmeal unstick from the roof of her mouth.

"Experiment Number 67 to get you back to normal size, my dear," Dr. Cockroach called from the small table below her. His lab coat thrown over the side of the table, he kneaded a large bowl full of colorful paste with gloved hand. Over his mouth was a large respirator. A very large pair of goggles covered his already-bulbous hazel eyes, making him look even more bug-eyed then usual.

"Oh," said Susan quietly.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, not really. It just...looks an awful lot like when I mushed all the colors of Play-Doh together as a kid. Kinda smells like it too."

The cockroach-man laughed. "An astute observation, Susan. The mixture of chemicals in Play-Doh are similar to some of the ingredients of this, but I assure you, the contents of this bowl is far from children's modeling compound."

"What's in it?"

"Oh, only water, salt, flour..."

A large mushroom cloud of green smoke suddenly issued from the bowl with a loud crack, causing the 49-foot Susan to rock backwards while Dr. Cockroach continued to knead the dough nonchalantly.

"...with just a pinch of sulfuric acid, arsenic, strychnine, and a dash of plutonium scraped from a pair of glow-in-the-dark watch hands," finished the doctor. He removed the respirator and carefully stripped off the gloves. "There. That should do it."

Susan bit her lip, looking down at the bowl with wide eyes. "I don't have to eat it, do I?" She asked in a hushed voice.

Dr. Cockroach shook his head. "It goes on the scalp."

"And it's not going to burn my hair off or give me a brain tumor or something horrible like that?"

"That little bang neutralized the more...unsavory aspects of the ingredients. It's perfectly harmless now."

Quicker then her eyes could follow, Dr. Cockroach skittered across the floor and up her arm with the large bowl. He paused on the small hollow between her shoulder blade and collarbone, noticing how tense the muscles of her arm were. "Susan, it's fine."

Susan nodded and took a deep breath.

"All right. I'm going to rub this into your scalp. It's probably going to be slightly itchy and tingly while it's being applied, but do try to refrain from scratching your head while I'm up there. Oh, and keep your head steady."

Susan nodded again, and then giggled lightly as Dr. Cockroach raced up the nape of her neck and into her hair. "It tickles."

He knelt down among the roots of the white hair and took a handful of the rainbow goop from the bowl. He began to massage the goop into the skin of her scalp. He paused momentarily to pick at a very large white flake of dead skin around the root of one hair. "Hm. Susan, looks like you have a touch of dandruff."

"I know," Susan said dejectedly. "I had it under control before, but General Monger said it's impractical to get a tanker of Head and Shoulders over here every time I take a shower."

The doctor resumed rubbing in the paste. "At the very least, this stuff should take care of that little problem."

Susan made a soft noise as the the doctor slowly made his way up the back of her head, rubbing the goop into her head. "That feels nice, " she said softly.

Almost done applying the mixture, Dr. Cockroach grinned. "There. With any luck, soon you'll be right back to normal." Popping out of the part in her hair, he suddenly realized she was crying. He slid down to her shoulder. The doctor touched her cheek just as a large tear ran down her face. It landed with a splash near his feet, soaking his loafers. "Susan?"

She opened her eyes, and more tears ran down her cheeks. "Sorry Doctor. It's just, that kinda reminded me of when I'd go to my seriously awesome hairdresser in Modesto and she'd do that thing where she'd rub shampoo and conditioner into my hair before she cut it. And it felt really good..." She wiped the tears away. "It's such a small thing, I don't know why it set me off like this."

"It's understandable," said the Doctor, sitting on top of her head. "This is quite an adjustment."

The two remained silent for a moment, before Susan said, "Doctor? Was adjusting after your lab accident this tough for you?"

Doctor Cockroach laughed, leaning on an arm. "That's a rather private question to ask, don't you think?"

"Oh gosh, I didn't mean t--"

"No no no, it's all right," said Dr. Cockroach. "In fact, I was wondering why you didn't ask sooner, my dear." He took a deep breath. "To tell the truth, I'll admit for the first two weeks following my capture I had... totally gone 'round the bend, so to speak. I would rock back and forth in the corner of my cell mumbling the Periodic Table over and over and over. You see, I was the first 'monster' Monger ever captured, the test case, so to speak, and B.O.B wouldn't show up for another five years. It was just me, here, alone, trying to cope with the fact that my experiment had worked but not the way I'd intended, while being poked, prodded and observed like a lab rat.

But once I had a...tentative grip on sanity again, I began to notice the, erm, shall we say, less obvious changes that had happened to me. I stopped aging, and the fact that at least had been a success was a tremendous boost to my shattered psyche. But I found the finest food from chefs the world over no longer made my mouth water, instead it was week-old trash. I could climb walls. I was nigh indestructible. I found it fascinating.

And the funny thing was that as a scientist, my fascination and my curiosity were stronger then my fear. But I doubt it's the same for you, my dear."

"No, it's not. I just want to be normal," cried Susan. "I want to be out of here, giving my parents and, and all my friends a big hug. I want to see Derek..." she covered her face with her hands and bent over, crying once more. "I want to be Susan Murphy again, not Ginormica."

The doctor rubbed her wet cheek."My dear, don't cry. We'll get you back to normal yet."

"Did the government change your name too?" said Susan suddenly, her voice strangled. "They did, didn't they? They took away your real name."

Dr. Cockroach remained silent for a long moment.

"Doctor?"

He sighed, not meeting her eyes. "Technically, I can't answer that question or Monger will rescind my Lego privileges again. I can tell you that according to newspaper clippings I've uncovered, the same day I was brought to this base, a British-born scientist was reported to have died of injuries he sustained during a lab accident in San Antonio. Seems the late scientist was also trying to find a way to duplicate a cockroach's longevity in humans. An interesting coincidence, that. Totally unrelated to my work, of course. "

"Oh." Susan looked off to the side of the room, watching as a small camera with a blinking red light swiveled slowly towards her and the doctor. "O-of course."

"Dr. Cockroach, for that incredibly transparent attempt to reveal your previous identity, your Lego privileges are suspended for one week," Monger's gravelly voice announced through unseen speakers.

Susan's face fell. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," said the doctor cheerfully. "I thought something like this might happen so I've been stockpiling Tinkertoys since your arrival. I have more than enough to get me through a week without Legos."

"So how long until we know if this stuff is working?" asked Susan, gesturing at her head.

"A half-an-hour. Does it feel tingly at all, Susan?"

Susan's mouth drooped. "No. It feels like it's hardening in my hair. Is that supposed to be happening?"

"Ah," the doctor said, sounding disappointed. "Oh my."

Susan sighed again and brought her knees to her chest. "It's not going to work, is it?" she said, her voice breaking.

The doctor leaned against her neck. "I don't believe so, my dear. But don't fret, there's always Experiment Number 68," He paused. "Maybe we should get it off now. It might be more painful if it we try to remove it after it fully hardens."

Susan gave him a teary smile. "You're the Doc, Doc."

Dr. Cockroach rolled his eyes good-naturedly as he began to remove the tacky rainbow paste as gently as he could. "Oh, quoting film lines, are we? Unfortunately for you, my time-traveling DeLorean happens to be in the shop this week."

Susan looked up at her hairline curiously, wiping the tears away. "You saw the 'Back To The Future' movies? I thought Monger didn't let you guys watch any movies."

"I managed to build Link and B.O.B a working TV set out of a suitcase, packing peanuts, a transistor radio and fifteen broken Walkmen-thingamajiggers a few years back. I'm proud to say it lasted a whole week."

"What happened to it?" Susan asked curiously.

"Oh, B.O.B saw a hamburger during a commercial and ate the TV thinking it was an actual hamburger," Dr. Cockroach frowned, carefully peeling another chunk of the rainbow paste from Susan's head. "By the time Link and I managed to convince him it wasn't, the TV had already been completely absorbed." Dr. Cockroach threw another clump of the rainbow paste away. "I didn't speak to B.O.B for weeks afterward, except to remind him why I wasn't talking to him. He always forgot within five minutes."

Susan giggled slightly.

Dr. Cockroach chuckled under his breath. "Heh. Now that I look back on it, that is pretty funny, isn't it?"

"Sorry Doctor," Susan laughed harder.

The doctor patted Susan's head. "Don't be. I'm just glad I could put a smile on your face."

Dr. Cockroach peeled away the last of the rainbow goop just as the speakers crackled to life again. "Monsters, it is now 10 PM. Lights out."

On the other side of the room, the doors leading to their cells opened.

The doctor sighed, and scampered down to her shoulder again. "We'll pick this up tomorrow, all right Susan?"

"That's fine," Susan carried him down to the floor gently and then smiled widely as B.O.B oozed under her feet. "Night B.O.B."

"Good morning, Susan!" the gelatinous mass called as it glided into its cell.

Before Dr. Cockroach walked into his cell, Susan turned to face him, kneeling down on the floor. "Thanks, Doctor. I really do appreciate all you're doing for me." She gently patted the top of his head, being careful of his antennae.

The doctor grinned. "You're welcome. Good night Susan. Pleasant dreams."

"G'night Doctor," Susan said as she walked into her cell. The door clanged shut behind her.

Inside his own locked cell, Dr. Cockroach sat on his bunk, scribbling inside the small notebook he kept within his lab coat. The world's smartest mind should've been able to get Susan back to normal within two days, not two weeks. The problem was that whatever matter had been inside that meteor had bonded with Susan on the cellular level, rewriting her DNA. Any serious attempts he made to extract it would cause her great pain, or possibly kill her. Even for a slightly mad scientist, that was an unacceptable risk. As intelligent as he was, he couldn't reverse what had happened to her. No technology on Earth was sophisticated enough to repair what had been done to her. Most scientists today were still playing catch-up with what he'd done by mistake decades ago. If he couldn't fix what he'd accidentally done to himself, how could he have a prayer of shrinking Susan back to normal?

He couldn't.

But he'd try anyway. The young woman placed so much faith in his intellect, and seemed so miserable to be here. Every time Susan began to cry, it broke his heart. If she wanted to live a normal life as Susan Murphy, he'd try his best to give it back to her.

Even if it meant she would have to leave the compound and never see him again.

Yes, even then.

END

Notes: Although it's not mentioned, mainly because I couldn't figure an organic way to put it into the plot, I came up with a 'real' name for Dr. Cockroach when I wrote the first draft of this story: Dr. Jeffery G. Hedison. It's is a combination of the names of the two actors who portrayed the scientist-come-insect in the 1958 and 1986 movie versions of 'The Fly' – David Hedison and Jeff Goldblum, respectively. Obviously totally unoffical. (Psst, the 'G' in his middle name stand for 'Gregor', after the main character of Kafka's 'The Metamorphosis' who wakes up one morning as a giant cockroach.)

As the good Doctor points out, Susan's 'You're the Doc, Doc' line comes from the 'Back To The Future' trilogy, specifically Part III.

The title comes from a song off of Chris Isaak's 'Forever Blue' album.