My Journal: age 10
Joe Cartwright

Dear Journal:

First off, just let me say that this is the year of Adam Cartwright. It seems like every year my Journal is having some milestone but Adam is a large rock. Miss Jones says our lives are made of milestones and so I know that you just have to deal with em, to get through life.

Adam went to college and returned to make our lives more interesting. Pa was all excited and so was Hoss but I'm not so sure it's a good thing. Adam can be mighty cranky. Why, just in the first few weeks he was home he caused all manner of problems for the family.

Pa made Hoss and I go with him to Virginia City to pick up Adam. I thought it was goin' to be okay cause Pa always buys me candy at the mercantile. He's real good about that. Well, we arrived late and the stage arrived early and there stood Adam standing' there as proud as a peacock in spring. You'd think he was waiting for applause or something. Pa goes running over and grabs Adam and hugs him something fierce. Adam turns red as a beet and I was fit to bustin' with laughter, but Adam he sees me laughing and gives me a glare.

Then Hoss goes to hugging him and now it's my turn. Well, I looked around and seen sum of my friends looking at me so I wasn't goin' to do no hugging in the middle of the street. I held out my hand all polite, like Pa showed me to do and darn it, that Adam he pulls me into his arms, swings me around and hugs me! My friends were laughin' to beat it, and I was so embarrassed that I struggled to get out of Adam's reach. It was pay back time all right.

That's when Pa says let's get the buckboard and take Adam home. Well, I didn't make that trip for Adam so I say nicely, "Pa, can I get some candy at the mercantile?" Pa pulls out a nickel and tells me to hurry then come straight back to the wagon. I take off like I had wings on my feet to get my candy. When I get back to the wagon, their all waiting for me and I jump in right quick like and we head home.

Well...it was the most boring ride I've ever had. Pa goin' on about what he and Adam are goin' to be able to do now, how the ranch was goin' to grow and we were goin' to be the biggest spread around here. I tried to drown it out but it was like a cackle of blackbirds gratin' on ya. I couldn't understand half the words Adam was sayin', why didn't he speak English? I held out my sack of candy to Hoss who was as bored as I was and he picked out a huge ole peppermint to suck on. Hoss is really a big kid, he might be all of sixteen and look like a man full grown but he ain't. He's a kid at heart like me.

So, we get home and Hop Sing has outdone himself makin' Adam's favorite meal, then Pa and Adam get on their horses and ride off to look at the property. That suits me just fine so Hoss and I sit down to a game of checkers, well it turned into about four games, when Pa and Adam get home. Pa sends me out to do all the chores, okay, so I help with the chores and then it's almost time for bed but not for Adam and Hoss... that's not fair! I always have to go to bed, it's a spiracy. Yep, I know their all havin' fun down there without me. So, I whine and carry on a while. Finally, with Pa's usual, "JOSEPH" out of the way, I mosey on up the stairs to bed. But, tonight was different so I change into my nightshirt and creep to the top of the stairs to listen. They are gabbing about the ranch so I get all comfy to listen and then I don't remember anymore, but the next morning I wake up in bed, so I figure Hoss must have found me and carried me there.

That's another thing that's wrong. I'm small. It's terrible to be small in a big world of big men. My Pa is tall as tree sometimes and Hoss he's even bigger than Pa! I want to be tall too, but I'm still about four/seven and I'm ten! When Hoss was ten he was almost as tall as Adam! It's a sad fact, but the taller you are the more people treat ya older. Hoss still picks me up swings me on to his hip and carries me around like a baby! I tell him let me down but he just laughs his deep old belly laugh and goes right on like I'm not talkin' at all. It's very ( you guessed it) embarrassin'. The ranch hands get a right kick out of that.

Now, I'm not vain, but some folks think I'm real handsome. It has it's drawbacks though. The ranch hands are always teasin' me about how I'm goin' to have pretty women all over me when I get bigger. How disgustin is that? I think they're right...why Miss Jones she's always pattin' me on the head...and askin' if my brother Adam is as handsome as me. Yep, I think I'll introduce old Adam to Miss Jones, then she can pat his head.

Our ranch, The Ponderosa, is the biggest one in Nevada. My Pa is right proud of all the work he's done to make it so big. I'm kind of proud of it too. The kids at school, well, I've had some right good fights about the size of our spread. Some kids think I'm a showoff or just a rich kid, but I can stand up to the lot of em. I've had more fights than any boy in school! Yep, they can't pick on me....I don't need to be big...I've got moxie! At least that is what Hoss always says, he's real proud of me.. I just wish my Pa was as proud. But...he usually sends me to my room, tells me to put on my nightshirt....and I know what that means! Someday there's going be a law that says you can't hit your kids anymore....I sure wish they would hurry up and put that law in. Pa, always does the same thing...first he wants to know what the fight was about...of course I never tell him....then he says it hurts him more than it does me, ( Pa is sure not right about that) and then he takes off his belt and turns me over his knee and whacks me good. I'm usually a hollering before he gets thru. Then he turns me over and sits me on his lap and hugs me tight and tells me to be a good boy. Well, I always promise I will be cause that is what Pa wants to hear, then he kisses me and tucks me into bed. Yep, Pa is regular as clockwork.

So, here I am at ten having to cope with another bigger person again. Adam. Adam the perfect, Adam the scholar, Adam the brave and good and handsome boy of Pa Cartwright. Yuck! I'm sure goin' to make Adam's life interesting. I discovered from listening down stairs that he hates kids. That's right. He says kids should know their place....and be spanked if n' they don't listen. Now, I know Adam must have been spanked when he was young at least once, so I don't think it's very nice of him to be shovin' that off on me. It's amazin' to me that Adam was a kid at all.

Last year I couldn't do anything alone but as soon as I turned ten my Pa let me startin to grow up. I don't think it was my Pa's idea, but Hoss's. Hoss is so good to me, he knew I was unhappy being treated like a baby, but now I'm a man. My Pa always does real good by me, getting me candy, letting me ride the horses when I want, letting me go fishin' with my friends, letting me off work, but I know old Adam is goin' stick in his two cents and ruin things for me. He's all ready telling Pa I'm too young to be riding off by myself like I always do to have fun. Yep, Adam and I are going to be in a real tussle if n' he don't leave me be. I won't go back to the way things were last year!

The long and short of it is...that Adam's an old fuss budget. Everything has to be done perfectly... like it would make a difference. I told Adam that I didn't have to do anything he said and the next thing I knew he puts me over his knee and spanks me real hard. But...I didn't cry, I wouldn't cry if he tortured me. Nope, no way. I stand there looking at him like he's a mean bad man and he sees that I'm not a crybaby for sure anymore. Hoss finally broke into our staring contest and tells Adam that Pa wants to see him. As soon as Adam leaves, the tears fill my eyes and Hoss grabs me up in his arms patting my back like I'm a two year old. But, I don't really mind...it feels good for someone to love me.

"Why is Adam so mean to me Hoss?"

"Shh...little brother. Aw....Adam don't mean to be so angry at ya, but he's just different than we are. He likes everything in order and no backtalk. He wants you to mind him and if'n I were you I would try, because I don't think that Adam is goin to change."

"Well I'm not either." My lip juts out in a pout. "I'm almost grown up and he better learn it."

Hoss was still holding me in his arms, but he kisses my cheek and set's me on my feet. "Yep, Little Joe I can see that. " I could hear the amusement in his voice but I just grin and grab his hand to walk back to the house with him. Hoss is the best brother in the whole world.

My friends asked me to go swimmin with em on Saturday, I told Pa and got his permission to go. There were going to be about ten of us and we had brought food for a picnic. I love our swimmin hole it is large with dark green water and someone had tied a rope on the branch of the tree so we could swim out over the water and drop into the deepest part.

We were all laughing and havin fun when I felt like someone was watching me. Sure enough, there sat Adam under the big old oak tree a couple of hundred yards from the creek. He wasn't doin' anything but lookin'at me. I saw red so I got of the water and ran over to him to find out the reason he had followed me.

"Adam, what are you doin here?" I was out of breath from running and my feet hurt from walkin' on the hard ground, besides I was drippin wet!

"Nothing, Joe. I was just riding by and saw you and your friends, it looked like fun so I was just..."

"I know what you were doin'. You were spying on me to tell Pa!"

"Good grief, why would I do that? Can't I just take a break from working while you're out playing everyday." Adam sniped back to me.

"Playing? I work too Adam. I can't help it if you're older than me."

"Grow up, Joe." Adam stood up, brushed off his jeans and mounted Sport. "You just go back to your little friends, kid."

I kicked a rock stubbing my big toe hoppin around on one foot, while calling Adam a few good names as he rode away. I was goin' to speak to Pa as soon as I got home.

After dinner I asked to speak to Pa privately while Adam just stared at me. I told him that Adam had been checking up on me and I didn't like it. Pa listened quietly as I rambled on but I could tell he wasn't taking me seriously. My temper was rising by the moment and finally it erupted.

"Pa, you're not listening to me! Adam has been riding me since he got home, he's making fun of me, and tells me I'm not pulling my weight here on the ranch....I am too!"

"Little Joe, calm down. I'm sure Adam didn't mean you weren't pulling your weight, he knows you're a little boy, so why should he say that to you?"

"PA!" I broke into tears and ran up the stairs to my room. No one understood about Adam and me. So, what was I goin' to do? I'm not a little boy!

Well, things went on and we were coping okay, when one day Pa says why don't I go see my friend Mitch and spend the night with him. Wow, this is great...but then I start thinkin', why does Pa want me to go to Mitch's for the night? Usually I have to beg for the privilege to go. So, I start looking around for clues and sure enough I find out that Hoss and Adam are goin to go hunting! And as usual I'm goin to be left at home! Well, I start commencin' to carry on and pretty soon, Pa see's it my way. He tells my brother's to take me along with em.

Of course they don't like it, but they finally give in and we get on our horses to go to the mountains to hunt. If only Pa would have given me a gun, I could have bagged the biggest deer out there. We make camp that first night with silence from Adam, but Hoss, he's just the same, he don't mind me coming.

Hoss laid out the blankets, mine and his close together, around the campfire. Adam was on the other side of the fire. We ate then I asked Hoss to tell me a story. Hoss tells great stories and after Adam left for college he started telling me one every night. Adam was surprised and I couldn't help but ask why.

"I use to tell you stories at night, Little Joe. Don't you remember me doing that?"

I tried to remember but there was no memory there. "No, I can't remember that." Maybe, I don't want to remember, I don't why but Adam bother's me.

Adam looked plumb sad for a moment then he sort of shrugged it off. Hoss was listening then he said, "I remember, that's why I started tellin you stories Little Joe, because I knew you loved it and I wanted to be like my big brother."

Adam and Hoss smiled at each other and I felt left out. "I don't care! Goodnight!" I scooted down in my blankets confused about my feelings. Why did Hoss and Adam remember things when I didn't? Sniffing, I pulled the blanket up around my shoulders.

I woke up a little later and I heard Adam and Hoss talkin about me. At first I wasn't sure but then I heard Adam tell Hoss about what happened at the swimmin hole. "I didn't really go there to spy on him, Hoss, but I wanted to make sure he was safe with his friends. Last time I was home he couldn't swim remember? Pa had taken him to lake and he about drowned before we could save him."

"Yep, I thought Little Joe was goin' join his Mama that day. I think I cried a load of tears while the doctor was upstairs with him. Adam, you got to give Little Joe a chance, he's ten years old now, and he's tough. Oh...he don't look it, but that boy has been in more fights at school then you and I together. He can lick a kid twice his size with a broken arm, as a matter of fact, he did that last year." Hoss laughed as he remembered the Delbert kid with that shiny black eye.

"He scares me Hoss. He is so much like his mother, the reckless behavior, the gaiety, the moods...that's what scares me. Marie was either up or down, never on a even keel." Adam spoke softly so I could barely hear him. "That day she died....I've never told anyone this but that day, she was in a angry rebellious mood, a flat out temper. Her and Pa had argued over something and she rode out of the yard as if someone was chasing her. Pa threw down his work gloves on the ground and I thought he was going to go after her, but he walked to the barn door and slammed it behind him. Then several hours later Marie came home racing into the yard, that's when her horse tripped. I can still see it in slow motion. If only I could have done something to stop the fall, but it was all so fast. I'll never forget the way Pa looked that day...I can't let that happen to Pa again, Hoss, never again." Then Adam stopped talkin' and laid back to sleep and Hoss never said nothing. I thought about what Adam said, I couldn't remember my Ma very much...except I know she was pretty.

The next morning I didn't say anything about Adam and Hoss's conversation. If Adam thought I was tempermental than so be it. Why can't he understand me? He thinks I'm just like my Ma, maybe I am, but maybe I'm more Cartwright than he gives me credit for. I was very upset and barely spoke to my brothers. We set out to hunt, me with Hoss and Adam went alone...it was a couple hours later when we heard a rifle shot, so we assumed that Adam had taken a shot at somethin', so we weren't worried. Well, Hoss and I finally made our way back to camp but Adam hadn't returned yet. Toward dark I could tell that Hoss was getting worried, he kept lookin for Adam to come back. "Hoss you want to go look for him?"

"Naw...he'll be here soon." If I wasn't along I know Hoss would have already left. So, I spoke up quickly.

"Hoss, you go on, I'll be fine, I'll start heatin some beans for us." Hoss was torn but finally he left, he was so upset he didn't even tell me to be careful. I was fine for a while but by several hours later I was gettin really scared. Now, both of my brother's were gone. They didn't return all night and I sure was upset. The next morning, I took a deep breath, I decided I needed to go fine them, they were surely lost. Taking my brother's pistol that he had packed I set off to find Adam and Hoss.

I headed off in the direction that Hoss had but I couldn't find either Adam or Hoss. I finally stopped about noon and ate a bit of jerky I had brought with me and drink of water from my canteen. I was totally lost by now, but since my brother's were lost I felt they had no room to talk. Climbing the hill I finally spied a campfire about a mile away so I hurried toward it, sure it was my brother's. Just as I started to walk into their camp I heard talkin and it wasn't their voices. So, I crept up quiet like and peaked through the bushes. Hoss and Adam were tied up to a tree and some Indians were talkin' Indian talk. I squatted down on my haunches and waited to see what I should do.

I hid in the bushes all that day, peaking out between the leaves. The day flew by and still the Indians stayed in the camp. They had argued and fought and screamed at my brother's. Adam was real calm but Hoss was about to cry, I can tell when my big brother Hoss is upset. I wanted to beat those Indians up for makin' my brother cry. What I remember most was the heat, it was so hot and I was sweaty and the flies were buzzing around me, and I couldn't swat em, cause I was afraid the Indians would see me. Finally, the Indians mounted up on their ponies and rode away, leavin' Adam and Hoss tied up. As soon as they were gone I ran into camp and starting looking around for knife to cut the ropes. My brother's were shocked to see me, but Adam told me to hurry, we had to get away. Finding a sharp rock, I worked on Hoss's ropes and cut through them, then he did Adam's. We ran as fast and hard as we could away from there, then when we got to the lake Adam made us swim part way down river to throw the Indians off our trail.

I was gettin' tired so Hoss lifted me onto his back to carry me awhile. We made it back to camp and Adam insisted we pack up and go home, immediately. I really didn't think the Indians would find us, but old Adam didn't give us an option. Late the next afternoon we rode onto the Ponderosa and we all gave a sigh of relief. Arriving home late we had Pa all worried but he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight, then he set me down and hugged Hoss and Adam. Laughing we went into the house and I told Pa all about it, until he got a headache and had to go to bed, that I was the one that saved Hoss and Adam from the mean Indians that would have scalped them.

After that Adam changed a little bit, oh...he was always railin at me but now he could see that I had moxie. I was a Cartwright thru and thru and he knew it, cause I had saved him from bein scalped.

The days run together some but we had several bad things happened that summer to all of us. Pa is still all wound up on Adam's return, maybe it will take a while to wear off, like a heavy meal. One thing I do know is that I don't ever want to go to college back east, learn to talk high flautin and be to smart.

I'll write more later, Journal, I hope that I can be a good man, and learn to tolerate Adam, I wonder if Adam is a jinx? Since Adam came home life has been mighty interesting.

Joe Cartwright
Age 10
1852