I got this idea from watching Naruto Shippuden Abridged by NCProductions. Favorite Shippuden abridged, so far. Some of the jokes are from there.
© Kishimoto
A fair amount of the jokes © NCProductions on YouTube.
Takes place...in the time skip. Everybody is two years younger than what they are.
EX: In Shippuden, Deidara is nineteen. Pre-time-skip, he would be seventeen. Sasori would be 33, etc.
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"Hidan! Shut the hell up and take your position, goddammit!" Pein looked over at Hidan, and the heathen bastard was swearing incessantly at Kakuzu for whatever the hell reason.
Pein sighed, struggling not to kill them all. His minions were all morons.
"Fuck no! I'm not getting on that giant pagan statue!" Hidan yelled, and Pein's eye twitched as he slowly tilted his head to the left, gritting his teeth.
Why was taking out a tailed beast so fucking difficult?
"Hidan, shut the hell up and get on the damn statue. We'll get it done quicker, and then you can go back to praying." Kakuzu drawled. Hidan threw him the middle finger before begrudgingly jumping on the statue. Deidara snorted.
"Finally. Goddamn, it took you long enough, un!" Deidara said, and Hidan let out a string of curses in his general direction.
"Christ, Hidan, I don't think Jashin will get pissy if you kill somebody who is essential to our taking-over-the-world plot." Kisame said, snickering.
One awkward silence later, the Gobi was being forcefully extracted. The Jinchuuriki's eyes were hollow, and its mouth was wide open, to allow easier access so the spirit could get out.
"And nobody finds this disgusting?" Zetsu said, glancing around the room. Sasori, out of Hiruko, gave Zetsu a stupefied look.
"Disgusting? Dude! You're eating the dead Jinchuuriki's bodies!" Sasori said, his eyes showing a mix of disgust and surprise.
"And you're living inside of them, un!" Deidara piped up, and Sasori sent his partner a glare.
"You're making out with them!" Deidara looked unimpressed.
"For the last time, I'm not—."
"Straight?" Itachi said, throwing a bored glance over towards the blond.
"Yeah! Wait, what, un?" Deidara tilted his head cutely, a look of befuddlement on his face.
"Guys, guys, we must be peaceful. I'm sure Jashin will agree." Hidan said, smirking. Everybody looked unimpressed as as Hidan raved about how great Jashin was.
"I'm an Atheist." Kisame drawled. Hidan threw him a glare.
"Well then, you're going to hell." Kisame looked on, unimpressed.
"Kisame, I thought you worshiped that one guy from God of War?" Itachi said, looking down onto the Jinchuuriki.
"Bitch, please. I've got more chakra than that guy. Plus I'm stronger!" Konan snorted, and rolled her eyes.
"You guys are real immature." She adjusted the paper flower in her hair, her eyes lidded without amusement.
"Ooh, guys! We'd better be nice, or else we'll get a paper cut!" Kakuzu said mockingly. Konan threw a glare over towards him.
"Care to say that to my face, shrimpdick?" She said intimidatingly, and Kakuzu scoffed.
"BURN!" Deidara shouted, and Konan hissed, throwing a challenging glare over towards towards Kakuzu.
"It's only small inside your huge vagina..."
"DOUBLE BURN!" Deidara yelled again. Konan threw a nearby rock at him.
"Shut up!"
Pein twitched.
"Oh...my...god...what will it take for you guys to shut up?"
"...well...I'm sure Konan's vagina could do the trick, if it wasn't so big and sandpaper-y." Kakuzu said. Konan lunged at him from across the fingers. Kakuzu's eyes widened in terror.
"I'm gonna friggin' kill you!" Sounds of strangling and blood gurgling were heard as Konan strangled and cut the greedy bastard.
"...Jesus Christ..." Pein said, resisting the urge to murder them all.
"Hey guys, let's sing a song! 'I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over something...something...something...something...I don't wanna wait...'." Hidan said, making extremely flamboyant hand movements. Sasori slowly turned his head towards Hidan. The Jashinist didn't notice the seething glares the puppet master was throwing at him.
"If you don't shut up, I will empty your Christian body, crucify you on solid concrete, and then make you a meat-shield for the entire world to see!" Sasori snapped, and Hidan shut up rather quickly.
"What the hell crawled up your ass, Sasori?" Zetsu's black-half said, watching as Sasori's face twisted into rage.
"Nothing, I just hate being a pedophile!" He shouted, and Deidara's eyes widened, tears glistening at the edges of his eyes.
"That's not what you said last night, Sasori-Danna, un!" The terrorist shouted. "And besides, I'm seventeen! It's only a year off! Do you really...do you really dislike being with me that much?" Sasori stuttered as a few fake tears ran down Deidara's face.
"Uh, ah, um, shit, fuck, um, uh, close enough! And no! I love you, sugar plum!" He shouted loudly, trying and failing to get Deidara to forgive him, despite the fact that the blonde had Sasori wrapped around his finger. Itachi smirked.
"Have fun tapping that ass, Sasori? Funny...I was going to myself." Itachi put a finger on his lips in thought. "Damn...hope we get another hot member soon." Sasori shuddered.
"Anyway..." Deidara started to say, "You know Kisame...it looks like an ugly guy beat you with an ugly stick, un—."
"What the fuck?"
"—and then he called twenty more ugly guys, and they beat you with an ugly stick." Deidara smirked, and Kisame seethed.
"Well, you wear make-up, which clearly suggests you're gay." Kisame smirked. Surprisingly, the sign 'CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' wasn't hanging over his head.
"Um...duh." Konan said, returning from her position after thoroughly maiming Kakuzu. Pein smacked a hand to his forehead.
"Shut up. Deidara, have I introduced you to my water sharks? Half of them is made of water, and the other half is made out of ass-kicking." Kisame said. The blond's eyes widened, and he immediately shut up.
"Oh yeah, Pein, when are you going to do the dishes? I asked you to do them for-fucking-ever ago." Konan said, giving the auburn-haired man a glare.
"Shut up, Konan. We have to extract the demon!" Pein said. Konan huffed rather audibly. Where the hell did he get off saying she needed to shut up!
"You know, even though Deidara's gay, I bet he could make a girl orgasm..." Deidara tilted his head. Sasori groaned. Pein popped a vein. Konan smirked triumphantly.
"Be silent, woman! The female orgasm is a myth!" Pein snapped his head towards Konan, who glared at him.
'Asshole...' She seethed.
"Deidara, you know how to show a woman a good time, right?" Konan sent a wink over to Deidara, and the blond wailed. Sasori hissed.
"Bitch, please. That ass is mine." Sasori said, giving a smirk that reeked gloating. Zetsu snorted.
"Right, because we all know that Deidara hasn't been tapped by Hidan..." Kakuzu shot Hidan a look, and Sasori narrowed his eyes at Deidara.
"What the hell, Deidara!" Sasori yelled dramatically, and Hidan wore a smug grin on his face.
"Hidan, you're a slut. I'm not sewing you back together for a week after knowing that..." Kakuzu muttered.
Hidan ignored Kakuzu, "Blondie was a good fuck, too. Even when drunk. You should get him intoxicated more often, Pinocchio!" Sasori struggled not to kill himself.
"Oh my ME, would you all shut the FUCK UP?" Pein said, about to do some crazy-jutsu-shit on their asses.
"I like how you substituted me for God, Leader-sama..." Itachi said blandly. Sasori gaped, and wailed.
"Deidara, how could you!" Deidara hopped down from where he was, and Pein let out a strangled scream of disapproval.
"WHAT. NO. GET BACK UP ON THE STATUE. YOUR LEADER DEMANDS IT—IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO THAT, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST GO IN YOUR OWN ROOM!" Pein shouted and the rest of the Akatsuki gave wolf-whistles at the couple that was currently in a hot macking session.
"Get the hell out of my sight before I cut off your penis, Deidara!" Pein shouted, and Sasori smirked, dragging the blond away by his wrist.
"Come on Dei-koi, we'll be having some fun..."
"Yay!" The blond let out an innocent cheer of approval.
"...you think Deidara gives a good head?" Kisame asked. Hidan smirked again.
"Hell yeah."
Pein sighed.
Morons...
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Oh god. This was too much fun to write.