Welcome to FreakLand!

You've just stepped into a... well, a warehouse. I know, I know it's a fanfiction cliche. But... this warehouse it's not the common abandoned warehouse where the Joker usually takes the "random kidnapped girl" to turn her into his pet, sorry hench-girl. Actually, this looks like a warehouse from the outside... and from the inside it's just... well, his house, operation base, however you want to call it.

See from here? Yes, I know, we're outside. Well, actually there's two warehouses. See that one, the smaller? Well that one is where the Joker lives. The other is where his often referred as "goons" live, but I would say it's more like his personal army. Just a part of his army... damn, he's got a lot of people working for him nowadays.

Anyway. Enough of my rambling and into the story.

Introductions first! You wanna meet the Joker SuperStar in person? Yeah, you want to. Exactly why you're here. Let's go inside and see what the hell is he doing tonight.

Just walk through the walls. We're incorporeal... like ghosts. Let's say we're Gasper the Friendly Ghosts! Haha!

Ok, here we are. The kitchen. And there he is. And so it's The Bitch.

Great...

Well, you would have to meet her anytime soon, anyway.

The Joker and his... hehe... female companion are "working". Exactly in the moment you start reading this story, the Joker notices us. Even if we were outside. And now.. he's looking at us. Don't worry—he can't hurt us. He just happens to know that we are here. His companion... I don't know. She is just there making a bomb to blow something up, they just haven't decided exactly what. As you may already know, because you are reading a story about him and you saw the film, and probably read some comics with him in them, you know that he doesn't really plan, he just…does things. And at this very moment, they are making a bomb, a really big one for that matter. They just... haven't decided what for.

Yet.

He knows you are here for some entertainment. In his mind that word means a bullet in your head, blow you up from the inside out or just carving a nice smile in your face, so you can smile…Forever.

The problem is that you aren't even corporeal. That's a serious problem, because he doesn't want to disappoint you, he's a naturalentertainer. But you are here now, and that's what's really important.

If you ask me, the guy likes getting all the attention he can have and more.

He doesn't know how you got here. Actually, he doesn't even know what you look like. He doesn't care, either. He just wants you to smile. So, he thinks about something to make you smile, maybe hear your laugh. Is that even possible, if you are just something that came out of thin air just a moment ago? He doesn't know, but he thinks it's worth a try, he has already seen a lot of weird things.

And I mean reaaaally weird stuff!

You being there is not exactly at the top of the list, and he won't start yelling as if he's seen a ghost.

What I mean is: Do you picture The Joker as the kind of guy who would start yelling " Oh My Gosh, a ghost ahhhh!" while running around the kitchen waving his arms like a little girl?

I don't.

The Joker is not afraid of the unknown. He is not a sissy. So.... he decides to tell you a joke. After all, that's why you are reading this, right? Just for entertainment. And since he is the Joker, he has to live up for his name. And since YOU choose HIM, he's tonight's entertainment!

Don't you just love how everyone likes to quote the film?

But like hell the Joker repeats himself over and over again. He's not a line dispenser: why so serious, wanna to see a magic trick, etc, etc...

The Joker is Not a Line Dispenser, ya hear me?!

Ok, I'm done with my rambling now.

There you have him.

He turns to you and gives you his best smile.

-So. Wanna hear a joke?

-Jay, shut up and stop talking to the wall - says a very annoyed woman in the corner of the room, still making the bomb- And if you'll go ahead and tell a joke, at least tell a good one

- I wasn't asking you- he roles his eyes and slaps the back of her head- I was asking my public here!

And he makes a mock reverence to us.

-Yeah right, you have a "public"."- the woman sighs- I think I'll call Harley to get you your meds...

She gets up of her chair and heads to Harley's room. He grabs her by her arm quickly, before she calls Harley.

Harley Quinn: The Joker's oh so beloved wife.

Yes I said "Wife". He got married... I'll show ya that later.

-No! Don't bring her here- he hisses to her- she's getting kind of annoying.

-Tell me about it!- the woman sits in her chair again, starting to work in the bomb again- Annoying is her middle name.

-And yours is Bitch- he says petting her head mockingly- so shut up.

- Oh, Prince Charming defending his Little Princess?- she tells him in a sarcastic tone- how cute of you Jay!

Both of them start laughing, trying to muffle the sound not to call Harley's attention.

Ok, those two...

There. They stopped. He turns back to us again.

- So, as I was asking my public here- he motions to us- wanna hear a joke?

What do you say, yes or no? It doesn't matter, since he can't hear you. But he feels that you really want to hear it. I don't blame you, he's funny guy...

Funny guy who happens to be a murdering, sadistic clown. But well... you're here reading a story about him, so I take you don't mind about that little detail...

-They're kind of shy don't you think?- She tells him amused at his antics.

-No, the problem is that they can't answer me- he answers annoyed at her- but I know they're dying to hear the joke. Right?

-Whatever- she tells him nonplused- I guess I'm doing this alone this time- she mutters- because psycho clown decided to tell jokes to the wall.

-Ya know....? They came here for me, I can feel it- he tells her in a conspirative tone, pointing at himself- I think don't they even know who you are...

-I don't care, you're pissing me off!- she tells him in a mock sugary tone- Tell your joke and let me finish this thing!

-C'mon, you can let the bomb for just a one minute, workaholic freak?- He roles his eyes annoyed- I'll tell your side of the joke!

-Ok. Go Ahead- she sighs, sounding defeated-Let me tell you, you are talking to the wall and I already know the story of my life.

-Enough already- he slaps the back of her head harder this time- now you are pissing me off!

-Whatever.

-So we have this average girl here right?- he tells you smiling from ear to ear- Let's call her... Allie.

The woman looks up at him and points him with a gun, her face serious and cold. he starts laughing and takes it off her hands. She takes another gun and smirks at him, playing with it mockingly.

-Don't call me that- she tells him in a sing-song voice- or I'll start calling you Ja..

-Shut up!- he hisses back at her- bitch...

He interrupts her before she says... that name that you may know by now. He knows you know but... he doesn't like to be called that.

-Do whatever you want but don't say that name- she tells him icily- Ever. Again.

- The same for you, dear- he looks down at her, petting her head mockingly- So... She was really bored that night, right?- he turns back to us, starting his joke again- She didn't have a family, a boyfriend or any kind of friends for that matter. She was a shy little widow mourning her husband, let me cry about it... buahhh!- he starts to act as if he was crying, and both of them start laughing- She just stayed allllll day long in the computer reading e-books or doing some things that were not exactly "legal", but at least kind of fun.

- "She" was pathetic, say it, no offense taken- she shrugs- And if you want to talk about pathetic ...- she raises an eyebrow raising her hands in mock surrender, turning back to you- I can tell you about certain widower that cried all day long...

He doesn't like to be out of the spotlight... he roles his eyes and slaps her across the face. She starts laughing bitterly

- Shut up that hell hole you have as a mouth!- he interrupts her- She had this little hobby...- he turns back to you, clearing his throat- something to do in this everlasting Sunday that some people dare to call "life". It had been years since she stopped having a life.

- Yeah, I was some kind of semi-death ameba walking through my little apartment- she agrees- I know. I only ate delivery food. Really pathetic.

-Cooking was not her thing. Neither was cleaning or being organized for that matter. Her apartment was a serious disaster, and that coming from someone like me is just baaaaad.

-Have you ever heard about "creative space"?

-Soooooooo...she knew when her life had seemed to end. It was when she lost her job as a receptionist, four years ago. At that time she was 20 and working in this boring office. She didn't even remember what they did in that so-called "business"- he makes the quotation marks in the air and turns to her- What was it about?

- Something to do with lawyers, my Dear Daddy got it for me to be a "productive member of society"- she answers boredly- Ha! Now that's a good joke!

-Really, is there anything more... boring than a lawyer's office?- he asks her boredly. She mouths "no"- C'mon. She only worked there for one month. She couldn't stand being there allllllll day long doing nothing but sending e-mails, taking calls and opening the door of the office smiling from ear to ear likesomeone who'd had a frontal lobotomy the day before.

- With a toothbrush!- she laughs- A frontal lobotomy with a toothbrush, can you see that happening?

- Ya know, that's a good idea... maybe I can try stabbing one through someone's ear! Next time I feel like killing something I'll try that one- he grins at the prospect- Anyway, You can't smile seriously in a place like that. It's fake. There is nothing worse than a fake smile, I hate a fake smile, if you smile, smile like you mean it- he tells you seriously- or I can always solve that with a knife- he smiles and points at his scars-
Well, from day one, she knew this "job" wouldn't last. She hated being in an "organized" environment. She hated those nobodies working in that stupid office and thinking that they were in some way important because they had a degree on...-he shrugs non-interested- ...something

-Most of the people there had been working for more that 15 years- she shakes her head sadly- those kind of people are only good to be shoot at- she sighs- It's called mercy.

-Seriously, how could they dare to call that life?- The Joker tells outraged at the prospect of "that kind of life"- Didn't they see that they were just office slaves?- he keeps complaining- Sure, it was better that being a sales slave or a fast food slave...

-That would be the bottom of the slavery chain.

I don't take any responsibility on the Bitch's words. Neither the Joker's.

- Yeah.. the thing is that they were still slaves. Being a slave isn't only boring, it's humiliating. She was the kind of girl who liked to be respected. The women working there were always so jealous of her for being young and pretty....

-Don't let Harley hear you think I'm pretty, she'll try to kill me. Again!- she looks to Harley's room, suddenly paranoid and with a hint of desperation- And you know how that ended... -she whispers to him frowning.

-Hear what?- Asked Harley from the next room

Harley: she hears her name and she's already there. In the middle of the room. Both the Joker and the now to be known as "Bitch" smile at her nervously.

-Nothing Harley- The Bitch answers cheerfully- Jay here's telling me how pretty you are!

Harley jumps to him hugging him tightly, and he smiles lecherously at her, starting to make out with her, eyeing carefully The Bitch's reaction.

Who yawns mockingly at him.

-Oh Mistah J you are soooooo sweet!

- I know- he answers kissing her ear- ehh... would you wait for me in my room, I wanna have some fun tonight.

She smiles happily from ear to ear and and goes to his room cheerfully.

The Joker wants to have fun. Translated: He wants to get laid tonight.

The Bitch roles her eyes annoyed at puts the bomb aside. She gets up and start making herself a tea.

- Can she get more self delusional?- she mutters after some seconds of silence.

-Anyway, Sorry for my lovely wife's interruption- The Joker turns to you once again, making a small reverence- which brings me to another subject- he motions to the bitch- Women... women are reaaaaally competitive, ya know?

-Sure I do- The Bitch says bitterly- living with Barbie Doctor.

The Joker waves his middle finger mockingly at her, who just ignores him.

-Who's prettier, who has bigger boobs, who's is thinnest... stuff like that. Something stupid and pointless, doesn't make you happy really. I'm not exactly handsome but I'm always smiling. And I mean it!

Soooo... as women are usually as fake as a 30 cent coin, they tried to cover up their bitterness with a little too much sugar, saying things like – he starts to imitate an old woman-"oh sweetie, you'll make a career in this business, a pretty thing like you, I started as a receptionist too!". She usually just said "Thanks ma'am"

-Which in fact was something like: "I couldn't care less if you started as a receptionist or moping the floor, bitch".

-Sometimes a woman in her thirties came by demanding that she "needed a coffee, this work is soooo tiring". She said "Sure ma'am" while thinking "would you like me to kill you with the spoon, too ma'am? I could give it a try, ya know."

- I wasn't that creative at the time, just a little "I'd like to see you bleed to death " would do the trick. But spoons... – she starts toying with the spoon in her cup of tea, smiling happily- they make such great weapons in the right hands! The same goes for pencils...

- Only one month and she was out of there!- he points dramatically to the outside door- Couldn't stand being around those people, made her sick!

-Literally. I puked during the whole month!

-When she told her parents that she kind of "lost" her job on the way home, they just kicked her out.After all, being 20 and not being the perfect little girl they wanted her to be wasn't acceptable. Well, maybe it would have helped if she didn't start mocking at them and yelling how they cheated on each other. I think they called her... what was it again?

- A parasite feeding on their wallets.

-A parasite? They had such a way with words, hmm? So she ended up living with her aunt, who didn't have any children but was a good person who could always provide a good laugh and a hot meal. One week after that, her boyfriend left her without any reason Via MSN.

- Well, we know he had a reason... I didn't have any money left- she says boredly-In fact, he made his friend do it for him.

-He did get a medal for that, right? Must be some record. C'mon, you can't have a friend dump your girlfriend via MSN. He never picked up the phone and never answered any emails. Soon after that she was so depressed and nervous that she stopped eating and sleeping. And in some way she ended up with a shrink and taking meds to see if she could sleep again, which she eventually did.

-Yeah, but the bastard got rewarded...- she smiles warmly at him- with poison. Right?

-They said she was bipolar. So, she started therapy and there she met the poor guy who would end up married to her, bless his heart... – he lowers his head feigning sadness- who in his right mind would marry you?- he turns to her who lifts an eyebrow mockingly-After she got married she never went back to that pit of hell. You see, she was ok with being bipolar while she was in a maniac state. Being a maniac of any kind is fun, don't let anybody tell you otherwise!. Sure, depressive wasn't good, but the mania made up for it!

-Amen, dear brother!- she says mockingly- Now let's raise our hands and...

- That one's old as Mathusalem!- he complains frustrated- Anyway, we're not here to tell ya about the poor guy who married this lovely bitch. So, after losing her job she moved with her aunt who died from old age in her sleep one night. She truly cried for her ol' good auntie. And then, when it seemed that it couldn't get worse.

-Never say that, things can always get worse

- Anyway, her parents got killed by some kid that tried to steal from her former house. Sure, she didn't exactly looooove her parents, but that guy couldn't get away with that as if nothing happened, and being released just because he was "underage and under the influence of drugs" was not acceptable. The thing was... she wanted Mommy and Daddy to die from a heart attack after seeing she got her degree. So... the kid stepped into her job. It was about honor, you don't do things like that and get your way. At least not with her.

- " To Big Problems Simple Solutions".

- That was something her father always said. Every. Single. Day. She got herself a gun. Simple. Bang Bang you are dead and problem solved. Forever. Really simple, really quick, no remorse.

- A pleasure to cut that guy's limps and throw them directly to the river- she says in a dream like tone- I'd like to thank Jon for that one...- she mutters sadly, eyeing the Joker's reaction- a shame I can't. You know, I miss him.

- Shut it, please- he roles his eyes annoyed- You felt great while dumping the body in the river, right?- he looks at us again- Nobody could ever say she was doing something wrong, people should be saying "thanks" to her. This guy would never kill again or have children to plague this already crowded and horrible world. As if we need one more kid that will end up in the streets saying "just a coin, sir, just a coin for me and my lil sister, ohhhh we are soooooo poooooor"

-I hate it when someone does that. But poor people... they become great tools when they grow up and start getting desperate for money. If not ask our employees!

-She sold her aunt's and her parents' houses and got herself and apartment in downtown. And a computer. That is reaaaally important: a gooood computer.

-So... you're telling my whole life just for the computer? Just say I got the computer, it's easier.

-Shut up and stop interrupting me!- he hisses at her- you annoying almost midget!

- Good things come in small packages- she states icily-

-Anyway, don't pay attention to her. She doesn't know how to take a joke. Well, it started as a game, just to see if she could get her hands in some credit card numbers from e-bay and buy nice stuff for herself. She was kind of competitive so everything was a challenge. As soon as she got something done, she moved on to something more difficult just to see if she could do it. Arkham's System, just to say something.

- C'mon! You're still happy I made that little trick!- she laughs at the memory- Wow, it's been ten years already?

- Yeah... – he sighs- Anyaway- he recovers and starts to tell the joke again- As years went by, she could proudly call herself a "Professional Hacker" and was making good money from that. Like punching someone in a dark room. Nobody did it, it just kind of happened. No real victims. You lost all your money from your bank account! Period. That's it, stop asking and crying about it! Money comes and goes!

So, did I told you she was curious? She was, really, reaaaally curious. Soooo, one day while sitting in her computer at night , thinking about her oh so beloved dead husband, so bored and sad she had this wonderful idea... "one more little prank wont hurt anybody, riiiight?" and started hacking the system of the government just for the sake of ol' good fun. She never changed nothing, just read some interesting facts that confirmed that this world is in fact really, really sick and twisted.

-You got off the road. Make it simple. Normal girl, kills a guy, husband gets himself killed because he didn't have any neurone left. Said girls buys a computer and starts hacking stuff. Simple.

- SHUT UP! ...But we were talking about her being bo-ored and just lost track of things, right? And don't complain about the poor saint who became your husband, poor guy... living with you is a little bit of hell...

- And you're living with me, it's been a couple of years and you wont dispose of me!

- Ever heard of the Damocles Sword? It's hanging above your neck!- the threatens to her, then he turns back at us- Sorry, that kind of happens to people like me. Can't get too focused in one spot. Did I say that she was a really cold person? No? Well, she was.

- You are really bad at telling jokes for a guy called The Joker. The only funny thing here's that you're wearing make-up and talking to the wall. Hey, If you wanna hear a good Joke, certain guy here lost a bet and blew up a hospital in a naughty nurse outfit!

- I'm getting reaaally annoyed here, I'm warning ya. Besides, I can pull a nurse outfit better than you, annoying little midget...! Anyway, this little hacker was bored in her apartment drinking a coffee and getting her dirty little hands in the governments' system, right? And then it happened. She saw this thing called MMM, so she asks herself: what the hell is MMM? She had to enter a password to get into this ooooh soooo secret file, right? That usually happens to people who are bored at home and are too curious for their own good. Follow me til here? Well, after 7 hours, several coffees and a big headache she breaks this little secret system to see...

.

.

.

.

... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. TA DA!

You must be thinking: What the...?

-That's was a reaaally bad joke, you know...

-If you want to hear the best joke ever, ever, made by that guy some call God, listen to this. Just a warning: It's not that nice. Not. One. Bit. Kind of freaky and disturbing, even for a guy like me. Well... in fact this is what happens when you understand that particular joke. You get it.

Wanna hear it?

Ya Sure?

Too late.

Everything is a joke. Rules, society, religion, order…all made up, all lies. But the big joke is that nobody gets it! Change one little thing... and you have a totally different world. The story I told you... if her father didn't get her that job, she wouldn't have quit, she wouldn't have met her... husband and end up depressed in a small apartment digging into real deep shit... the story would be different, and she wouldn't be here but in Arkham's cementery.

One little thing. That's all it takes to change the world. Hmm? Right? Think about it, think about your own life. Why are you here, anyway?

This is something I could tell you, but that wouldn't be enough, you wouldn't believe me! You'd think I was crazy! But I'm... No, I'm not crazy. No. NO. I just happen to know more than you do. And I don't lie. I don't. But if you see it and you don't get it, if you ignore the truth behind this...stage you call your life, your work, your family, your world.... you might end up…hmmm. Let's say, insane.

But if you do get it, like me, you understand that everything is just a game: you are supposed to play it and have fun, not sit around in an office getting fatter as days go by just to end up being some ashes nobody cares about. This game doesn't have rules. Not. One. Rule. That's exactly why it's so funny. And let me tell you... if you don't play this game.. you're not really alive, just a face in the crowd…. You are nothing. But when you get the joke and start playing the game... that's when you become truly alive. That's when you become a guy like me ... So, Wanna hear a good joke?

Do you?

- Jay! you sure know how to make a cliffhanger!

-You've just spoiled the whole thing! Better sleep with one eye open tonight, bitch!

-Always.

-So, let me know if ya wanna hear the joke, I don't know how that would work…just give a sign, or something!

-That's it, you are talking to the wall, I'm calling Harley to get you something-

-NO!

- HARLEY! – The bitch yells starting to act as if she were scared and in the verge of tears-Your Puddin' here needs something for- her breath becomes heavy, starting to tremble-...hallucinations, I think.

Harley comes out of the Joker's bedroom, using a small baby-doll and runs to the Joker, caressing his face concerned-

- Puddin are you ok?

- No Harley, he's not- The Bitch starts crying- He was talking to the wall Harley, please I'm scared. Give him something and take him to bed.

- Oh Damn- Harley hugs the Joker tightly, while he watches The Bitch mocking at them behind Harley's back- Ok... I'll get you something, let me think about it... No, just a simple sedative would do, I don't want to start with strong medication- Harley muses to herself, starting to cry at the prospect of her husband "going Crazy"- If he keeps having hallucinations, we'll see then- she turns to The Bitch- Could you take care of him just a minute while I get the pills and a glass of water?

- Sure Harley- she answers, embracing her tightly- Thanks God we have you around, what would we do without you?

- It's ok... I'll be right back- Harley smiles down to the Bitch and heads to her bedroom

Both The Joker and The Bitch are left alone in the kitchen. She's smiling smugly and he doesn't seem anywhere close to amused.

-I'll kill you with your own toothbrush, dear- he tells her seriously- I hate taking pills

- But you do take the blue ones, don't you...?- she tells her in a mock sweet tone-

- I don't...- he starts to complain

-So let us know if you want to know how we ended up here!- The Bitch turns her back to you waving her hand

-You...

-Yeah... I know, Clown! I know… There's something out there, I just... don't want to think about it. It's... disturbing- she combs her hair with her hand, nervous- I was just ignoring this...thing you were talking to. But I did want to get Harley to give you something- she grins at him- Good to have a shrink in the family!

She makes a mock reverence to you, and starts laughing at him.

-You said the punchline! Hide your toothbrush, bitch, I'm a man of my word!

She runs to her bedroom laughing before he grabs something and kills her.

A stupid action, she knows as well as he does he would never kill her.

Have you ever stopped to wonder during this little show why he didn't kill her? Of course you did. Everything has a reason... The MMM. She found something that night...

She found the literal Rabbit Hole.

It could have been WonderLand and she decided to turn it into FreakLand.

He didnt put any complains.

They play bets over almost everything. Sometimes she wins, some other he does. But it always, without exeption, backfires in their faces.

The Joker made a move to win the Ultimate Bet. He thinks he made a good move.

He didnt.