Gin

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing

I wonder if you ever think about me like I think about you. I wonder if you ever dream about me like I dream about you. Probably not. You were always better at cutting me out of your heart than I was of cutting you out of mine. The other day I nearly died at hands of one your Espada comrades... as the spikes headed towards me, my life flashed before me and every scene had you in it. After the fight I wondered briefly if you would care that your Arrancar buddy nearly killed me. I laughed at my own foolishness. Of course you wouldn't care or rather you would care about that fact that the espada lost and let the enemy live. I am your enemy, I doubt you would ever withdraw your katana from me again, nor would I ever ask you to. I will not show you mercy Gin and I know you will not show me any either.

So this is what it has come to Gin. I wish now more than ever that I was able to cut you away from my heart. Purge you from my memories. But you haunt me, you haunt me in a way that I know I do not haunt you. I hate you. I was the stray cat you took home and now I have been abandoned again. But I always expected that. Every time you would leave without telling me, I part of me expected never to see you again. But you always came back and perhaps that was the worst thing you could have done to me. You kept me chained to you. But perhaps I should thank you. You have finally set me free! Free... but to do what? Do you know I found myself thinking about starting something with Shuuhei... I have always liked him and you have always hated him because you knew I liked him. But I can't, I can't bring myself to touch him like that, to kiss him, to even go on a date with him. You know what I am afraid off? I am afraid that you'll kill him. You'll kill him for touching me, for kissing me, for having so much as dinner with me. I tell myself that you are in Heuco Mondo, that you don't care what I do but I still can't bring myself to do it. Perhaps if both Shuuhei and I live through this war and taste victory, no matter how bitter, than perhaps we can forge something together. Because if we are victories than that would mean that you would be dead. Dead and gone and I would have no choice but to move on. To leave and not stay, waiting for you like I used to when we were children. So many times Gin, so many times I had packed up what little belongings I did have and prepared to leave the cave we shared for somewhere else, somewhere closer to a town or a village, somewhere... somewhere that didn't smell of you, didn't remind me of you because I had given up hope of ever seeing you again. But than you would come back, over the horizon with that goofy smile on your face and I would go running into your arms like the lonely cat happy to see the return of it's master. Or you would return in the dead of night and I would wake up the next morning to find myself wrapped in your arms, unable escape your vice like grip or turn a deaf ear to your whimper of "Ran-chan" that you only made when in the grips of sleep or illness. Did you ever love me Gin? I thought you did. I don't know anymore. I really don't know. I want to move on. You have left and I don't want to stay here anymore. I want to move on and walk by myself for some distance and then when I have put enough distance between myself and you, I would like to seek company. Company of anyone and everyone who doesn't have silver hair and pale white skin.

I want to love, Gin. I want to love and be loved in return. I want things you can't give, that you never pretended you could give, that I always knew you couldn't give me. That's why I am not angry with you Gin. Because unlike Aizen and Tosen you have never pretended to be anything that you weren't. I knew I was loving a cold hearted bastared. I blame no one for my current state but myself. I knew that from the moment we entered the Shinigami Academy that you were leaving me behind, slipping away from me, out growing me. I knew and so I made no attempt to hold on to you... but I did hold on to my memories of you, my dreams and hopes regarding you... I shouldn't have. That was my mistake. Had I let them go, just accepted that from than on we would be nothing but strangers than perhaps I would have been able to resist you when you came back into my life, seducing me into being your lover. Perhaps had I not given in... I would be happy now. But I don't blame you. I blame only myself. I knew we had no future but I fooled myself into hoping that we did. I can't deceive myself anymore. I know that I will most likely die in this war and if I do... I hope I die under a blue sky full of fluffy white clouds... just like I was meant to all those years ago, when you saved me. Hmpf, I wonder if I'll die by your hands. That would be a fitting end. I was saved by you when your hand held the nourishment of food. I would be happy enough to die when your hands hold the death bite of your sword. I am not afraid to die, Gin. I never have been. I always thought that I was living on borrowed time since the day you saved me. Just... just let me have my view of the blue sky and I'll die with a smile on my face.

"I find myself envying Hinamori," Kira confessed as he cradled his cup of tea. He would have preferred to be sipping sake but orders had been issued that all captains and vice-captains were to be ready for immanent deployment.

"Hinamori?" wondered Matsumoto.

"Yes, at least... at least Aizen cared enough about her to try and kill her. He didn't care whether I lived or died. He didn't care. He thought so little of me that he could care less whether I lived to fight for the Gotei 13!" Kira's voice quivered with raw hurt as he shoulders slumped with the weight of his grief and depression.

I'll never forgive you for what you have done to this boy, Gin, never. Thought Matsumoto, "I wouldn't spend so much time worrying about what Gin did or did not think. Believe me when I say it'll do nothing but drive you insane. Ever since he left I have been doing nothing but revisiting every moment we spent together since he joined the Gotei 13 and... I am no longer certain of anything. I find myself questioning everything. Every word he ever said to me. Every moment we spent together. Every gift he ever gave me," she laughed bitterly, "A while ago I found myself tearing through my closet getting out every single kimono he ever gave me. They all had silver in it. Some were completely silver, others had silver embroidery on them. I always found that cute and took it as he's way of showing me that he wanted to be part of my life. Now... now I think that they were like the collars that people put on their cats to show their mark of ownership. Was I ever anything more than a pet to him? Did he only keep me around for the amusement and entertainment I provided?"

Abruptly she stood up and turned her back to Kira, looking out the window into the serene rock garden, "Then I remembered that most people love their pets, care about their pets, mourn their passing... I no longer know if Gin ever loved or cared for me and I certainly doubt he would mourn my passing," a profound sadness crept into her voice, "I wanted to burn the Kimonos, every single one of them, I wanted to burn them, turn them into ash or cover them with Haineko's ash and let Haineko shred them to bits!"

Kira listened to Matsumoto with a kind of morbid fascination, "Did you?"

Matsumoto shook her head and looked as close to crying as Kira had ever seen her, "I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to destroy them, I couldn't bring myself to even touch them. They have been lying on the floor of my room for weeks now. A beautiful pile of silver that I can't even bear to look at. It repulses me but I can't dispose of it," she laughed self-mockingly, "Kind of like my feelings for Gin. I can't believe I still care about that bastard," She sat back down, defeated, "And I feel guilty for still feeling things for him. It is only a matter of hours before we are deployed. This is no time to be worrying about a traitor but I do. I still care."

"And I still care what he thinks of me. I still crave his approval," Kira admitted, feeling disgusted with himself for having those feelings, "You know what the worst part is Matsumoto-san? I can't blame him for it! He never pretended to care. He wasn't like Aizen who pretended to be kind, warm and caring. He wasn't like Tosen who never let his subordinates feel the burdens he carried as a captain. He wasn't... like them. He was cold, he was demanding, he made it very clear that he didn't care if any of use lived or died. Indeed he knew almost all of us were going to die young and that our last moments would be excruciatingly painful. He made it known that was how most of us were going to go and he smiled and smiled and smiled while we suffered and died. His smiles were his way of saying I told you so, remember, I told you so. Yet... yet we still followed him and not just because he was the captain. No it was never about following the Haori because we were good soldiers and good soldiers marched behind their captain, no matter who or what the captain is. No, no we followed him because he was... well him! Why did we do that Matsumoto-san? Why do we still..." Kira trailed off.

"...love him," Matsumoto completed for Kira, "I don't know. But I doubt he feels the same way about us."

The silence was long and heavy with grief, "I think... I think he might feel the same way about you," ventured Kira after awhile.

"Doubt it, but thank you for saying it," Matsumoto said with soft smile, "But I have already accepted... well I accepted a lot of things. I don't hold anything against him. Not even his betrayal. He is merely an enemy of soul society who needs to be stopped. I will lay it all on the line to stop him and Aizen and all their allies. My life, my very soul and that is all there is to it."

After a moment Kira smiled too, "You are right Matsumoto-san, that is all there is to it."

She was going to die. She knew it. That thing had ripped away part of her torso. She couldn't breath, she was falling. It would be over soon, the pain, the war, the worry. It would all end for her soon. Her mind began to drift. In part she was glad she would die before she had to draw blade on him. She wondered if he would shed a single tear over her death. Probably not but the Gin with whom she grew up would have and it was of him that she thought of. The silver haired boy who had saved her all those years ago. The boy who always smiled. Yes, she wouldn't mind dying thinking of him. The one who gave her a birthday. The one who had been her whole world for so long. So she let her mind drift, drift to the past when it was just the two of them. Alone against the world, often going hungry, struggling to survive day to day. But right at this moment, as she lay dying, alone once more, she couldn't remember when she was happier. She really couldn't. So she lay there, dying, unable to move, unable to act, only remember. But it wasn't so bad because she remembered what it was like to wrapped in his arms, what it was like to have soft kisses planted all over her face and body. She had loved him so much. She wondered if he had ever returned any of it. But no, the Gin back then had returned her love. She was sure of it. Besides, even if he had never loved her, Rangiku saw no reason to deny herself the comfort of believing that he did. She was dying and who but the cruelest of people would deny her this smidgen of comfort.

Perhaps the real Gin was that cruel and perhaps if Gin was near her now he would let her know how little he had ever cared for her. But he wasn't here, he was enclosed in a cage of flames. Perhaps he was aware of her fading spirit, perhaps he was worried or perhaps he was sad or perhaps he was happy that the number of the enemy was being reduced. She didn't care, didn't care about the Gin in the flame cage. No, all she cared about was the boy who had leaned over her that day, the day she probably should have died. Yachiru once told her that she remembered the exact number of clouds in the sky the day she had met Zaraki Kenpachi. Rangiku tried to remember the number of clouds that had been in the sky when she had met Gin. She could not, which was strange because she had been counting the clouds as she waited for death to claim her. But than Gin had come and had driven away everything from her memory but his smiling face. The face that was smiling down on her once again, "Don' die on me, Rangiku," said the boy.

"What..."

"Don' die. Izuru's got ya'. He's healing ya'. It ain't over. Don' die on me, Rangiku. I jus' hate sad stories and you dy'n would be a down right tragedy."

"But I..."

"Don' talk, save yer strength. Don' die on me, Rangiku. Don' ya dare die on me."

It was getting easier to breathe, she could not return to the battle field but she wasn't dying anymore. She opened her eyes, there was no smiling Gin but there was a worried Kira. "Don' ya dare die on me, Rangiku," she heard his voice, faint now but it was his voice. The voice from her youth, from her memory of the Ichimaru Gin who had cared. The Ichimaru Gin who had saved her, gave her a birthday and always returned to her. For him, for his sake she would hold on and perhaps, perhaps that would give her a chance to find out, how much of that Ichimaru Gin still survived in the Ichimaru Gin that stood behind Aizen.

Author's note: I was feeling somewhat blue so I decided to explore a bit of Rangiku's feelings about Ichimaru after his betrayal was revealed. Seems to me that, that would cast doubt on whatever they shared since they joined the Gotei 13. I also wanted to take a look at Kira's feelings regarding his former captain. Given how he reacts in the latest manga arc, it's pretty clear that he still has some issues to work out. Plus I also decided to work in the whole Rangiku nearly dying from Allon's attack. By the way, I happen to find Allon really gross. Just felt like sharing that with people. Anyway, so there it is, I know it's a bit disjointed but I am experimenting with this kind of disjointed style. Reviews appreciated, although no one, no one seems to like my post-betrayal Gin/Rangiku fics... *sigh*