Brappy Potter and the Philosopher's Crack Stash

Once upon a time there was an old bloke who ran a school for witches and wizards. His name was and is Dumbledore. One fateful day, Dumbledore was writing out invitations to all the new students who would be given the opportunity to study at the prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As usual, poor old Dumblebeard had drunken a few too many shandies – meaning he was more than a little drunk.

"Here ya' fuggin' pen!" he cried out in a drunken stupor. "Here's the next name I wan' ya to sen' a fuggin' invite to ya' bastard!" he cried out, momentarily losing consciousness. The pen braced itself for a barrage of abuse from the drunken headmaster. "Send the next one ta'…" he began. Midway through the sentence, however, he made the largest mistake ever in the history of mankind, one which would doom the entire human race to constant annoyance for the rest of time (actually only about 5 years, but that sounds lame). As he began to say the name, he burped. Instead of saying the name of the first and only survivor of Voldemort's wrath and the one who would save the entire magical world from a cruel fate, he merely said "BRAPPY Potter…".

With that he collapsed, sealing the fate of mankind forever. In the coming years, the people of the magical community would be pestered by graffiti and minor knife crime.

It was a summer day on the Ely council estate. Young Brappy woke up to the smell of crack and crap that wafted in through the window from the nearby crack den. He leapt out of bed and ran down the stairs to the sound of hip-hop blaring out at annoying volumes around the flat. As usual all the windows were broken and there were hundreds of bottles of cheap Netto brand alcohol, 'bought' by young Brappy and his friends from the nearby store. Brappy himself was 4' 5" and was easily the smallest and weakest person in his class. This didn't stop him attempting to beat up 4 year olds (who always battered him into the ground) and trying to steal from shops (from which he was always caught). Yes, Brappy was a chav, and a pretty pathetic one at that. He and his cronies had successfully nicked the alcohol whilst his big brother attempted to threaten the shop keeper with a knife. This, however, did not go well as the shop keeper thrashed the big brother – for he was but 5' as well. However, Brappy and his krew had escaped.

Brappy looked down at the door and found a mysterious letter written in green ink. Strangest thing was, it was addressed to him. He quickly opened the letter, lest it be some payment for him having to go to school. He read the letter there and then, although this took nigh on half an hour because Brappy was so gangsta' he didn't know how to read. It said:

Dear Brappy Potter,

You have been invited to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The train will be leaving Platform 9¾ at 10:00 am, King's Cross Station. Be there, or else…ya' fuggin' bastaad!"

Yours Drunkenly,

Professor Albus Dumbledore

Brappy's first reaction was "What's a fuckin' school!". Because Brappy was so gangsta', he felt the necessity to add the 'F' word into almost every sentence.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. He tentatively approached it as in fact he was a prime example of a coward. He had a morbid fear of bagels as well. He opened the door to a huge giant of a man, with a beard the size of a bush, or at least it seemed to be to a pipsqueak like Brappy. It was Hagrid. Of course, stupid Brappy didn't know this and he screeched in his pre-pubescent voice "What 'cha want, ya big twat!". Of course big was an understatement. Hagrid was nearly twice the size of Brappy.

"There's no need fer the language, young lad," said Hagrid in warm, friendly tone.

"You startin'!" cried Brappy, trying to put on a rather unconvincing ghetto accent. At this point Hagrid should have realised that Brappy was a mess and left there and then, but his kind nature could not allow this behaviour.

Instead he replied, "Calm down, I was only tryin' ter be friendly!"

"YA WHAT!" cried Brappy. "I is gonna Brap you up man. Where's me 9mm?"

His "9mm" (as he called it) was rather unimpressive, and was actually a bright green water pistol (stolen from Netto) spray painted (rather badly) with black paint. At this Hagrid had had enough, and picked him up with disdain by his head. Brappy squealed as the giant plucked him up and brought him up to his face. In truth, Hagrid was at least twice the size of the wannabe gangsta, and at least eighty times more fierce. He growled in Brappy's ear;

"Yer comin' with me. Yer goin' to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft an' Wizardry. It's already 9:30am. Yer have half an hour to get to London. Here, quick – get on my bike."

"Yo man, dat's some pimped up ride man!" Brappy squealed, as the giant forcefully placed him on the bike. In a flash Hagrid was on and was already revving his bike.

Seconds later, the pair were soaring through the sky in an easterly direction, to the city of London.

Note: This 'epic' tale is NOT insulting Harry Potter, so no whingy Harry Potter fans submit reviews saying this insults it. It is merely taking the piss of chavs (Chavs for those who don't know are annoying people who commit minor crime and are a general annoyance in Britain) and our hero Brappy is not Harry Potter, so there!

I hope you enjoyed it.

Be prepared for part two in the future… sometime…

Proton Squirrel (Gertyflea)