Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama, Death Note, or any anime. I am simply writing a fanfiction.

Title: Wonderwall

Summary: In order to prevent more damage from occurring as a result of Hijikata and Okita's fights, Kondo handcuffs his two subordinates together. During this punishment, Hijikata's perception of Sougo is significantly altered.

Note: If you have read "Torture Days," this is the same story, but it's narrated by Hijikata.

Rating: T

Pairing: Hijikata x Okita Yes, this is a shounen-ai story.

Chapter 1

The thoughts of BL fan-girls are contagious.

There are innumerable characteristics that I loathe about my personal assassin, Okita Sougo, but these are the traits that I despise about him the most:

1. He's my personal assassin. No, that doesn't mean he assassinates anyone for me. It means that he usually plans to assassinate me. To murder me is his routine, his goal, his most important mission in life.

2. He's a sadist. Even if his victims are already battered and almost unconscious, he will continue to mercilessly play ping-pong with their poor bodies. Isn't he so playful? Also, let's not forget that he tortures everyone, whether through taunts or complex schemes.

3. He's an idiot. How can he not find the taste of mayonnaise immensely succulent?

4. He's treacherous. DO I NEED TO REPEAT THE ITOU ARC FOR YOU? Oh wait, I should have considered the readers who have not seen this arc yet. Well, Sougo had the audacity to aid Kamotarou Itou, the Shinsengumi's advisor who wanted to get rid of me, because as usual, the sadist wanted to get the position of vice commander. However, Sougo did not expect that Itou was planning to kill Kondo and take over the Shinsengumi, so he eventually killed everyone who sided with Itou. So maybe Sougo is not so treacherous when it comes to saving Kondo and the Shinsengumi, but he's definitely willing to betray me. What kind of cold-hearted bastard would want to murder his own friend anyway? Only a sadist, only a Sougo.

5. He has the ability to seem so innocent when he wants to dissuade people from suspecting him. That's why he almost never receives the blame for anything, including the countless damages he has inflicted upon everywhere in Edo after failing to assassinate me with his bazooka. I blame those huge oh-look-I'm-so-moe eyes. Those eyes mislead everyone.

I would like to expand more about Sougo's aggravating personality, but I've just heard a rocket launcher's beeps, which means that Sougo's attribute #1 has been activated again.

"Oi, Sougo, just what are you up to now? It's too early in the morning for a ruckus and I needed that vending machine to get a granola bar for my mayonnaise." I'm attempting to maintain an unruffled composure, although my head is already pounding with irritation.

"I only wanted to open the vending machine for Hijikata-san since it seemed that he could not find any yen," Sougo replies, calmly scratching his head as if launching his bazooka at me everyday is just like eating cereal for breakfast every morning.

Yeah right. So tell me, Sougo, is it really true that Santa Claus' elves stole my mayonnaise-dabbled breakfast because I "was naughty this year" when I clearly heard you whisper, "I hope Hijikata-san dies from starvation"?

Of course, I can no longer hold my temper, so I explode like a volcano. "You brat! We both know that's a lie! I was about to grab my money out of my pocket before you launched that thing!" I immediately fist my hands and aim for Sougo.

Left. He slides to the right. Right. He slides to the left, and I hit nothing but air. His shoulder. He walks a step backwards and ducks. I attempt to trip him by swiftly forming a half circle under his feet. He skips and crisscrosses over my foot. Damn it, is he performing the Cha Cha Slide?

"Toushi! Sougo! What happened to this vending machine?!" Kondo's here. Great, maybe he'll actually punish Sougo this time.

"Kondo-san! Hijikata-san was bullying me. He even tried to slash me into pieces with his katana, but he slashed the vending machine instead when I dodged his blows."

Sougo, I was not bullying you! In fact, no one would be insane enough to bully a freaking sadist like you! And how the hell can a short katana make those giant dents on the vending machine?!

"Toushi! How could you?! Do you know how much that vending machine was?! Forty-five thousand yen!" Looks like Sougo's deception skills have prevailed again. Great, damn it. Those damn eyes and that feminine face are a problem.

"But it wasn't me!! It was the King from Planet Sadist and his bazooka! I was only trying to get a snack to eat with my mayo!" I will not lose to your charade, Sougo.

Kondo stares at Sougo, who responds with his fallacious, naïve-seeming eyes. Kondo switches his eyes toward me. Two can play that game, Sougo. I firmly fix my eyes on Kondo's, without a blink or a squint.

Obnoxious birds are chirping. Don't let them distract you, Hijikata. Imagine those birds are Pidgeys or Pidgeottos. They can each use gust and a quick attack to send Sougo to the hospital for a month. Yes, that's right! Go, little Pokémon birdies, go!

A minute passes; Kondo is still vacillating on whether to penalize me or Sougo. Of course, the Pidgeys and Pidgeottos refuse to even fly past the sadist. This silence is really uncomfortable.

"So how are we going to come up with forty-five thousand yen?" I ask to break the tormenting silence.

"We could sell Hijikata-san, and we would only have to earn forty-four thousand, nine-hundred ninety-nine yen," the robotic Sougo offers. He has insulted me again with his taunts, which makes me hate attribute #2 even more.

"Why you—" Prepare yourself Sougo, here comes another knuckle-sandwich.

"Hijikata-san, I'm complimenting you." He raises his hand to halt my plan to tackle him.

"How?" How the hell is that a compliment?

"Unlike other products of low quality, Hijikata-san has the possibility of being purchased for one yen, albeit that chance is only twenty percent," he answers. Those percentages remind me too much of an anime. No, I'm not an anime zealot. How did Sougo even calculate those percentages? Better yet, that's not even a compliment!

"Sadistic idiot! You can't even tell the difference between a compliment and an insult!" I attempt to grab his head in order to scramble it. But he cha-chas backward, continuing his previous dance number. Is he even aware that he's dancing? Obviously not since he doesn't even glance at his feet once.

"I've got it! We will have Yamazaki win this week's Badminton Tournament! I think the prize is over fifty-thousand yen!" Kondo has finally formulated a solution to the dilemma caused by Sougo. This time, I didn't even receive any blame. This must be a good omen.

Shinsengumi Headquarters 11:31 A.M.

Sougo is sleeping with his eyes hidden by that creepy mask. Compared to the fake eyes sewn on that mask, I must admit that I prefer the sadist's deceiving, less eerie gaze. At least, his eyes appeal to the moe-lovers of the Gintama fans.

Why is he sleeping anyway? He's supposed to be training with his squad!

I attempt to lightly slap his head, but those disturbing eyes imprinted on his mask cause me to put more strength in my light slap. A second later, Sougo peels off his strange mask and sleepily opens his eyes. Damn it, those seemingly naive, dazed eyes completely contradicts his sadism.

He narrows his eyes and furiously kicks me, and I, caught by surprise, am not able to avoid the sudden assault. I land on something very rough with a loud, heavy thud, causing the object beneath me to crack. I quickly stand up to see a broken badminton racket with its strings jutting out in every direction and its handle snapped into two halves.

"Shit! Yamazaki's racket! What are we going to do?! The tournament is at twelve!" I scan the room for something that might solve the situation. Time machine, there must be a time machine around here somewhere. A time machine can reverse any problem.

"Hijikata-san, whatever happens…" Sougo places his hand on my shoulder. What is this? Why is he acting so dramatic? He's not going to shed tears, is he? He looks at me with a smug stare. "It's your fault."

He removes his hand and scurries away as I shriek a resounding "WHAT?!!"

That bastard, he tricked me again. I race against Sougo toward Kondo's room, but the damn trickster reaches the room first.

"I am sorry to interrupt you Kondo-san, but Hijikata-san has damaged Yamazaki's racket." He calmly informs Kondo as if he was only a guiltless bystander and not the brat who just kicked me earlier.

I attempt to emit beams of energy from my eyes to burn Sougo, but no, the sadist remains unharmed.

"That's alright," Kondo assures, putting down his wooden cup of tea. The tea leaves form a single clump near the center. A bad omen. "Yamazaki suggested that I get an extra racket just in case something like this happens. Gin, Shinpachi, and Kagura have offered to buy me a racket in exchange for a few yen. Here they come."

A few seconds later, a few chatters and shouts become audible. The trio enters Kondo's room.

"Here's the racket, Gorilla-san." Gintoki hands Kondo the racket and mutters something about tennis, princes, and badminton.

"Thank you, Yamazaki was right. We need this racket since the original one broke," Kondo explains to the Yorozuya. Not good, here comes the punishment.

I attempt to telepathically communicate with Sougo by giving him a "Beware: Danger Zone!" expression. Sougo, let's leave now before we learn whatever Kondo has stored as our punishment. He slightly nods. Good, I've accomplished telepathic communication.

He stands up to secretly leave the room.

"Sougo, Toushi, wait, don't leave yet," Kondo commands with a small frown as he encloses us in a suffocating embrace that was even more tight and hairy than a gorilla's squeeze.

"What is happening to you two?! Your daily fights are causing damage everywhere! Normally, I wouldn't mind, but your routine is burdening the Shinsengumi! We now not only have to earn forty-five thousand yen, but also, you've ruined Yamazaki's favorite racket!" Kondo is now making me feel queasy as he spins around in circles. I peer toward Kondo's other arm, which is gripping Sougo, who is having the most difficult time maintaining his usual expressionless demeanor.

"Gorilla-san, I have an idea." Thankfully, Kagura has spoken up and caused GorillaHugman13 to liberate us from his Constriction of Doom. All eyes are now fixed upon the young Yato, who is now crouching on the mat wearing a black messy wig, a baggy sweater, and loose blue jeans. And is that eye shadow on her face? Is he attempting to imitate that detective? Again, no, I'm not an otaku. These types of things are known to everyone.

"Kagura-san, why are you wearing those clothes? No…how the hell did you get those clothes?!" Shinpachi questions but he is immediately ignored.

"Why don't we chain Hijikata and Sougo together so they can learn about the lesson of teamwork and trust? Sure they would probably fight each other while they're enchained, but Hijikata can watch Sougo and Sougo can watch Hijikata, right?" Kagura proudly offers her very familiar idea. "Who knows? They might even be friends just like in that manga. Right Gin-san?"

I have a feeling that Kagura or the author is only attempting to attract more boy-love fans to Gintama. After all, this idea is too reminiscent of a certain anime/manga that attracts a large BL-fan base. Oh well, at least I know I'm definitely not Kira, which means that…I'm L? Light is often uke, then that means I'm the seme since I clearly do not possess any of Kira's characteristics, and just like L has an obsession with sweets, I have an obsession with mayonnaise. Therefore, is Sougo the uke? What the…how did that even enter my thought process?I don't care about ukes and semes! There's no way in hell! NO! Why am I associating a shounen-ai couple with me and Sougo? There is no way! NO WAY AT ALL! Damn it, the thoughts of BL fangirls are too infectious. Horrible thoughts, horrible thoughts, horrible thoughts…

"Yes. Here are the handcuffs." Gintoki hands the deadly yet familiar metallic object to Kondo and adds, "And here is a black notebook. Courtesy of Gintama and Death Note fans. They bought it from eBay."

That notebook doesn't work, does it? If Sougo gets a hold of that Death Note, who knows how many people he'll kill? Also, he'll probably kill me first and claim that he's "sanitizing the world from corrupt people like Hijikata-san." Not good, maybe I should get a name change or maybe I should just burn it.

"What a fantastic idea! But let's add a little rule. Toushi, Sougo, you are not allowed to use any sort of weapon against each other. Doing so will lengthen the time you are chained to each other." As Kondo chains me to the Prince of Planet Sadist for a lengthy period of irritation and torment, one question remains. It is the one question that will determine if I will at least survive or if I should compose my will right now.

"Will the notebook actually kill the people whose names are written on it?" Shinpachi asks the question.

"No."

Thank the gods. They must be on my side today.

Oi author, what are you planning to do to me?

Author's notes:

Hi, everyone, thanks for reading this chapter! Yay, I get to show Hijikata's point of view!

To Gin:

I'm very very very very sorry. This story is not based on episode 148. This story is an alternate version of my other story, Torture Days, which was written before I watched episode 148, so I had no idea that Hijikata and Okita would be chained together. Ah, I'm terribly sorry. I must have disappointed you. Sorry, sorry.