Romeo and Juliet
(Rehearsal)
Written by William Shakespeare
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Act I: Scene 1:
Shakespeare: All right people, let's get started, we've only got two days until opening night. Now, in this scene, Romeo is telling Benvolio about how he's in love with Rosaline. Where is everybody?
Enter Benvolio, eating a burrito.
Benvolio: Shaky, dude! What's happenin'?
Shakespeare: The name's Shakespeare, not Shaky. Now get rid of that burrito.
Benvolio fits burrito into his mouth.
Benvolio (mumbling): Tah-dah!
Shakespeare (Sarcastic): Well, this is off to a great start.
Enter Romeo with arm around Juliet.
Romeo: Shaky, I'm here. Let's get this done quick; I got, like, five hours of autograph signing to get back to.
Juliet: Yeah, and I gotta split before those lawyers find out I'm here. Man, you sing one song copyrighted by Elton John in a music video and make a million dollars off of it, and, suddenly, you're in the middle of a lawsuit.
Shakespeare: I don't know if you've read the script, but Romeo and Juliet haven't even met yet. Romeo's still pining after Rosaline. What's Juliet doing here?
Romeo: Why should I be pining after Rosie, I got three mill out of the divorce.
Shakespeare (Exasperated): Juliet, could you please leave, you're not in this scene.
Juliet: Why not, I gotta be interviewed by Entertainment Tonight, anyway.
Juliet Exits.
Shakespeare: All right, Benvolio, Romeo, let's start this scene.
Benvolio: Tut, man, one fire burns out another's burning,
one pain is lessen'd by another's anguish;
turn giddy...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Shakespeare: Cut! What was that?
Benvolio: Shaky, come on, nobody's listening to this anyway. Everyone will zone out by about "anguish".
Shakespeare: My name's not Shaky! Just follow the script.
Benvolio: Whatever you say, man.
Romeo: You know, Shaky, we could probably mix this scene up with, like, a car chase, or maybe me and Benny running from an explosion. You know, put a little action into this.
Shakespeare: Enough! Just do what the script says. No making up lines, no action scenes. Just do what the script says.
Benvolio: Tut, man, one fire burns out...
Suddenly, a truck of terrorists drives by, shooting machine guns.
Romeo and Benvolio duck, taking out two pistols, and the truck blows up with the shots.
Shakespeare (Furious): What was that!?
Spielberg: I put that in. So far, the scene was really sagging.
Shakespeare: Who are you?
Spielberg: Steven Spielberg, the director.
Romeo: Hey man, thanks for the terrorists. It was taking forever to get some guns into this play.
Shakespeare: This play takes place in the Middle Ages! There aren't any guns!
Spielberg: You know, Shaky, a play without guns or explosions, and, let me guess, no natural disasters? well, that just ain't smart theater.
Shakespeare: I've had enough! Let's move on to a different scene.
Act I: Scene 5:
Shakespeare: Okay, hopefully this scene will go better. This is where Romeo and Juliet first meet at the Capulets' party. Romeo, Juliet, get out here.
Enter Romeo and Juliet.
Juliet: Um, Shaky, what kind of party is this? There can't be more than ten people there.
Shakespeare: Don't call me Shaky. This is a play; we can't fit an entire party on stage.
Romeo: Well that stinks.
Shakespeare: Can we just get started?
Romeo: Whatever you say, Shaky. (Turns to Juliet)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my
lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion
shows in this; for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to
palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Romeo: Have not saints' lips, and holy palmers, too?
Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray, grant thou, lest faith
turn to despair.
Juliet: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
Romeo: Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Romeo and Juliet kiss.
Shakespeare: That's perfect!
Romeo and Juliet still kissing.
Shakespeare: Um, I said that's perfect.
Romeo and Juliet still kissing.
Shakespeare: You can stop now.
Romeo and Juliet still kissing.
Shakespeare: Stop!
Romeo: What?
Juliet: What?
Shakespeare: The kissing part is over, we have to move on.
Romeo: You know, Shaky, I think that part didn't go over too good. Maybe we should
rehearse it again?
Juliet: Yeah, in fact, just to make sure it goes well in the play, let's go over it six or seven times.
Spielberg: They're right, you know.
Shakespeare: Not you again, Spielberg.
Spielberg: In fact, let's try for a little nudity.
Romeo: He's got a good idea there, Shaky.
Shakespeare: First, it's Shakespeare. Second, I'm not going to have nude actors on the stage.
Juliet: Spoilsport.
Spielberg: You know, it probably wouldn't hurt to have Romeo and Juliet more attractive.
Romeo: You can do that?
Spielberg: Sure, I just got to write something a little extra in the margin of the script.
Juliet: Do it! I want to be a blonde!
Juliet becomes a tall, leggy blonde with a great figure.
Juliet: Wow, you do great work, man! I mean, this is Swiss plastic surgery good!
Romeo: Hey, how about a little of that rewrite magic over here, Spielberg?
Spielberg: You got it.
Romeo becomes a tall, buff, macho looking guy with wavy hair.
Romeo: This is nice! I wonder if I could charge to let people see you?
Shakespeare: That's enough! Spielberg, you're turning this play into an orgy of pointless violence and blatant sex appeal!
Spielberg: So, what's your point?
Shakespeare: Get out of here! I'm erasing all your little rewrites.
Romeo and Juliet change back to normal, two plain looking teenagers with pimples.
Juliet: Hey! Change us back!
Romeo: You want me to call my lawyer in, Shaky? I've got a contract, I will sue!
Shakespeare: You know, Spielberg's not the only one who can rewrite the script. Maybe I'll just write in "Romeo falls down"?
Romeo falls down.
Romeo: Ouch! Hey, man, take it easy.
Juliet laughs at Romeo.
Shakespeare: Oh, you think that's funny? Well, I'll write something in for you to do.
Juliet stands on her head and topples over.
Juliet: Okay, okay. Maybe we should get back to rehearsing.
Shakespeare: You read my mind. Let's move on.
Act II: Scene 2:
Juliet enters on a balcony, Romeo enters below balcony.
Shakespeare: Okay, this is the balcony scene. You know the one. Just don't mess this scene up like you did the others.
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is
sun. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with
grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she: Be not her maid, since she is
envious; her vestal livery is but sick and green and none but fools do wear it; cast
it off. It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were! She speaks yet
she says nothing: what of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too
bold, tis not to me she speaks: Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having
some business, do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres till they return. The
brightness of her cheek would shame those stars, as daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright that birds would sing and
think it were not night. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand, that I might touch that cheek!
Juliet: Ay, me!
Romeo: She speaks: O, speak again, bright angel!
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Romeo: Juliet, baby, I'm right here!
Juliet: Yo! Romie! I'm comin' down.
Juliet jumps off balcony and hugs Romeo.
Shakespeare: Cut! What's going on here?
Juliet: Just following the script, Shaky.
Shakespeare: My name's Shakespeare, not Shaky, and what are you talking about?
Juliet pulls out a script and points to a certain line.
Juliet: See, it says right there that I jump off the balcony and hug Romeo.
Shakespeare: It looks like you wrote that on the back of a Hardee's wrapper.
Juliet: What's your point?
Shakespeare: Let's just start over from "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?".
Juliet climbs up the terrace, falls down.
Juliet: I could use a little help here.
Shakespeare (Sighing): Fine, I'll write "Juliet reappears on the balcony".
Juliet reappears on the balcony.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy
name; or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
Romeo (Aside): Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
Juliet: Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? that which we
call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not
Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo
doff thy name, and for that name which is no part of thee take all myself.
Romeo: I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; henceforth I
never will be Romeo.
Juliet (Screaming): Ah! What are you doing here, you pervert! I'm only in a nightgown. Do you want me to call the cops!
Shakespeare: What are you doing?
Juliet: Well, you have to admit, this guy is practically a peeping tom. For all he knows I could be changing right here, so I think my character should scream a little.
Romeo: I have to admit, Shaky, whenever I look through a woman's window in the middle of the night, I get pretty much the same reaction.
Shakespeare: But you're supposed to have fallen in love after the Capulets' ball!
Juliet: Fallen in love? We met for like three minutes, five minutes if you add in all the blah blah blah. What sane person falls in love after five minutes?
Romeo: Yeah. I need, like, fifteen minutes before I think it's all right to try to catch a peak of her changing.
Juliet: And what's with Juliet talking about changing either her name or Romeo's? What's the point of that?
Shakespeare: You two are from feuding families, your parents would forbid you getting together.
Romeo: They also forbid the dragon tattoo on my back, but I've got it anyway.
Juliet: By the way, Shaky, I've been looking ahead in the script, and Romeo's supposed to propose in the balcony scene. I mean, that's sort of sudden. I don't feel up for that kind of commitment. I'd have to play the field a little bit first.
Romeo: What? I'm supposed to propose? As in marriage?
Juliet: That's what the script says.
Romeo: Julie, baby, I think we're moving a little too fast here.
Juliet: You're telling me. I've already got two ex-husbands and another boyfriend on the side, I do not need to be married again.
Romeo: Besides, I was supposed to be madly in love with some chick named Rosaline in the first act, I'm just on the rebound. Maybe if we went to a bar, had a couple of drinks, we might get somewhere, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
Enter Mercutio
Mercutio: Romeo, dude!
Romeo: Marc, what you doing here?
Mercutio: Came to talk to this Shaky guy you go on and on about. You know, the cranky bald guy who, if rumor holds true, drinks a little too much.
Romeo: Um, Shaky's right there, Marc.
Mercutio: Oh, Shaky, glad to get the chance to meet you. You know, I don't know what all those tabloids were talking about.
Shakespeare: My name isn't Shaky! My name is SHAKESPEARE!
Mercutio: Anyway, I came hear to talk about getting my scene in.
Shakespeare: What scene? It's not time for you to fight with Tybalt, yet.
Mercutio: No, no, not that. Romeo said you could get me a comedy bit, something about the "Queen Mab" speech.
Shakespeare: Romeo! I was saving that speech for "A Midsummer Night's Dream".
Romeo: Come on Shaky, look at him, Mark would be great for that scene.
Shakespeare: But we already passed that point in the rehearsal, we can't go back to it. We're on a very strict time schedule.
Mercutio: Well, I guess I can't change your mind.
Mercutio bends down and picks up something.
Mercutio: Hello, I do believe it's my old friend, Mr. Washington, maybe he can make you understand.
Shakespeare: Is this a bribe?
Mercutio: Don't be ridiculous. (He pockets the bill.) But maybe if Mr. Lincoln showed up, you might consider putting my scene in the rehearsal.
Shakespeare: I'm afraid Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Washington are not going to persuade me. Now, if you happen to know Mr. Franklin . . .
Mercutio: Well, I don't think Mr. Franklin is here right now. But perhaps you might listen to Mr. Picture-Of-You-Cheating-On-Your-Wife-In-A-Seedy- Bar.
Shakespeare: Okay, we're giving Mercutio the Queen Mab speech.
Act I: Scene 4:
Shakespeare: Okay, let's get this Queen Mab speech over with.
Enter Romeo and Mercutio.
Romeo: I dreamed a dream tonight.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: Well, what was yours?
Mercutio: That dreamers often lie.
Romeo: In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.
Mercutio: O, then, Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, and she
comes in shape no bigger than an agate stone on the forefinger of an alderman,
drawn with a team of atomies athwart men's noses as they lie asleep; her wagon-
spokes made of . . .
Tybalt Enters and stabs Mercutio with a sword.
Shakespeare: What the @#!*!
Mercutio: Ow, that hurt. I'm not supposed to die for a couple more acts. Shaky, what's going on around here? Who is this guy?
Shakespeare: Tybalt, you're not supposed to kill Mercutio yet. We haven't gotten through enough scenes for that to happen.
Tybalt: Hey, I'm just doing what the man says.
Mercutio: Hey, I'm dying here. Isn't anybody going to get some help?
Romeo: I would, but my lawyer told me that if I help anybody, I might get sued.
Shakespeare: Tybalt, who told you to do that?
Tybalt: Some Spielberg guy.
Spielberg: That's right. Mercutio was going to go on forever. I mean, is this even English he's speaking?
Romeo: Shaky, who's this Tybalt guy.
Shakespeare: He's Juliet's cousin and has sworn to destroy all Montagues and their friends. That includes Mercutio and Romeo.
Romeo (Nervous): Hey, Tybalt, might I say, excellent use of the sword on Mercutio, I mean, man, you nailed him good.
Mercutio: Hey, he's the guy who stabbed me! What are you complimenting him for?
Shakespeare: See what you've done, Spielberg.
Spielberg: Hey, I don't blame me if you're characters can't take a little violence.
Tybalt: All this talk is really wonderful, but the script says I'm supposed to fight Romeo now. So let's get down to it.
Tybalt knocks Romeo down and prepares to stab him.
Shakespeare: Romeo, you're supposed to kill Tybalt, not the other way around!
Romeo: Tell this guy with the sword that. Say, Mercutio, does it hurt bad?
Mercutio: Well, after the first few minutes of searing pain, the pain goes away as you start to die.
Romeo: Could use some help here.
Shakespeare: I'm not sure what to do.
Spielberg: I know what to do, though. Let's see here, I'll write in the script "Juliet enters . . ."
Juliet enters and shoots Tybalt.
Romeo: Well, that cleared up that mess.
Tybalt: Hey, Juliet, I'm your cousin, why'd you pull a gun on me?
Juliet: Well, you were always a little annoying. Besides, I'm in your will.
Mercutio: Doesn't feel that good, does it, Tybalt.
Romeo: Is it just me, or are these two taking a long time to die?
Shakespeare: Oh, I forgot to write it in.
Mercutio and Tybalt die.
Romeo: Well, that's out of the way. How about the big romantic kiss at the end?
Shakespeare: Go ahead. Just one thing, Romeo is supposed to be dead when Juliet kisses him, you know, committing suicide and all.
Romeo: Well, um, the two of us don't have to kiss, Shaky.
Shakespeare: Well, I was going to let you off the hook, but since you called me "Shaky" one too many times, here goes nothing.
Romeo dies.
Juliet: Man, you really didn't like him. So, what happens next?
Shakespeare: Well, you kiss Romeo now.
Juliet: That I can do.
Juliet kisses Romeo's body.
Juliet: Eck, I hate kissing a guy with corpse breath.
Shakespeare: Okay, now you have to stab yourself.
Juliet: What?
Shakespeare: Well, the love of your life just died.
Juliet: I'm a big actress in Hollywood, I can get another love of my life.
Shakespeare: But if you don't kill yourself, how do we end the play?
Spielberg: I've got an idea.
Shakespeare: Let me guess, terrorists, or maybe nudity?
Spielberg: Fine, don't take the advice of a director who makes millions a year.
Juliet: Do I have to die?
Spielberg: Nope.
Juliet: I vote for Spielberg's plan.
Shakespeare: Fine, you've ruined the rehearsal already.
Spielberg: Okay, let me see the script. Now, all I have to do is write . . .
Juliet's finger starts to glow and she puts it on Romeo's heart.
Juliet: Remember, I'll always be here.
A spaceship comes into view, Juliet steps inside, the door closes, and it takes off.
Shakespeare (Sarcastic): Well, that wasn't too out of place. Didn't you already use that ending to some movie?
Spielberg: Yeah, folks eat this stuff up.
Shakespeare: Well, I'm just glad this rehearsal is over. I just hope "Romeo and Juliet" does well.
Spielberg: "Romeo and Juliet"? I thought this was the rehearsal for "Blair Witch Project IV".
Shakespeare: No! It's the play, "Romeo and Juliet".
Spielberg: Oh my God! I've got to get to L.A., quick.
Spielberg leaves.
Shakespeare: And this guy is the finest director in Hollywood. Oh, boy.
The End
(Rehearsal)
Written by William Shakespeare
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Act I: Scene 1:
Shakespeare: All right people, let's get started, we've only got two days until opening night. Now, in this scene, Romeo is telling Benvolio about how he's in love with Rosaline. Where is everybody?
Enter Benvolio, eating a burrito.
Benvolio: Shaky, dude! What's happenin'?
Shakespeare: The name's Shakespeare, not Shaky. Now get rid of that burrito.
Benvolio fits burrito into his mouth.
Benvolio (mumbling): Tah-dah!
Shakespeare (Sarcastic): Well, this is off to a great start.
Enter Romeo with arm around Juliet.
Romeo: Shaky, I'm here. Let's get this done quick; I got, like, five hours of autograph signing to get back to.
Juliet: Yeah, and I gotta split before those lawyers find out I'm here. Man, you sing one song copyrighted by Elton John in a music video and make a million dollars off of it, and, suddenly, you're in the middle of a lawsuit.
Shakespeare: I don't know if you've read the script, but Romeo and Juliet haven't even met yet. Romeo's still pining after Rosaline. What's Juliet doing here?
Romeo: Why should I be pining after Rosie, I got three mill out of the divorce.
Shakespeare (Exasperated): Juliet, could you please leave, you're not in this scene.
Juliet: Why not, I gotta be interviewed by Entertainment Tonight, anyway.
Juliet Exits.
Shakespeare: All right, Benvolio, Romeo, let's start this scene.
Benvolio: Tut, man, one fire burns out another's burning,
one pain is lessen'd by another's anguish;
turn giddy...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Shakespeare: Cut! What was that?
Benvolio: Shaky, come on, nobody's listening to this anyway. Everyone will zone out by about "anguish".
Shakespeare: My name's not Shaky! Just follow the script.
Benvolio: Whatever you say, man.
Romeo: You know, Shaky, we could probably mix this scene up with, like, a car chase, or maybe me and Benny running from an explosion. You know, put a little action into this.
Shakespeare: Enough! Just do what the script says. No making up lines, no action scenes. Just do what the script says.
Benvolio: Tut, man, one fire burns out...
Suddenly, a truck of terrorists drives by, shooting machine guns.
Romeo and Benvolio duck, taking out two pistols, and the truck blows up with the shots.
Shakespeare (Furious): What was that!?
Spielberg: I put that in. So far, the scene was really sagging.
Shakespeare: Who are you?
Spielberg: Steven Spielberg, the director.
Romeo: Hey man, thanks for the terrorists. It was taking forever to get some guns into this play.
Shakespeare: This play takes place in the Middle Ages! There aren't any guns!
Spielberg: You know, Shaky, a play without guns or explosions, and, let me guess, no natural disasters? well, that just ain't smart theater.
Shakespeare: I've had enough! Let's move on to a different scene.
Act I: Scene 5:
Shakespeare: Okay, hopefully this scene will go better. This is where Romeo and Juliet first meet at the Capulets' party. Romeo, Juliet, get out here.
Enter Romeo and Juliet.
Juliet: Um, Shaky, what kind of party is this? There can't be more than ten people there.
Shakespeare: Don't call me Shaky. This is a play; we can't fit an entire party on stage.
Romeo: Well that stinks.
Shakespeare: Can we just get started?
Romeo: Whatever you say, Shaky. (Turns to Juliet)
If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my
lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion
shows in this; for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to
palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Romeo: Have not saints' lips, and holy palmers, too?
Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray, grant thou, lest faith
turn to despair.
Juliet: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
Romeo: Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Romeo and Juliet kiss.
Shakespeare: That's perfect!
Romeo and Juliet still kissing.
Shakespeare: Um, I said that's perfect.
Romeo and Juliet still kissing.
Shakespeare: You can stop now.
Romeo and Juliet still kissing.
Shakespeare: Stop!
Romeo: What?
Juliet: What?
Shakespeare: The kissing part is over, we have to move on.
Romeo: You know, Shaky, I think that part didn't go over too good. Maybe we should
rehearse it again?
Juliet: Yeah, in fact, just to make sure it goes well in the play, let's go over it six or seven times.
Spielberg: They're right, you know.
Shakespeare: Not you again, Spielberg.
Spielberg: In fact, let's try for a little nudity.
Romeo: He's got a good idea there, Shaky.
Shakespeare: First, it's Shakespeare. Second, I'm not going to have nude actors on the stage.
Juliet: Spoilsport.
Spielberg: You know, it probably wouldn't hurt to have Romeo and Juliet more attractive.
Romeo: You can do that?
Spielberg: Sure, I just got to write something a little extra in the margin of the script.
Juliet: Do it! I want to be a blonde!
Juliet becomes a tall, leggy blonde with a great figure.
Juliet: Wow, you do great work, man! I mean, this is Swiss plastic surgery good!
Romeo: Hey, how about a little of that rewrite magic over here, Spielberg?
Spielberg: You got it.
Romeo becomes a tall, buff, macho looking guy with wavy hair.
Romeo: This is nice! I wonder if I could charge to let people see you?
Shakespeare: That's enough! Spielberg, you're turning this play into an orgy of pointless violence and blatant sex appeal!
Spielberg: So, what's your point?
Shakespeare: Get out of here! I'm erasing all your little rewrites.
Romeo and Juliet change back to normal, two plain looking teenagers with pimples.
Juliet: Hey! Change us back!
Romeo: You want me to call my lawyer in, Shaky? I've got a contract, I will sue!
Shakespeare: You know, Spielberg's not the only one who can rewrite the script. Maybe I'll just write in "Romeo falls down"?
Romeo falls down.
Romeo: Ouch! Hey, man, take it easy.
Juliet laughs at Romeo.
Shakespeare: Oh, you think that's funny? Well, I'll write something in for you to do.
Juliet stands on her head and topples over.
Juliet: Okay, okay. Maybe we should get back to rehearsing.
Shakespeare: You read my mind. Let's move on.
Act II: Scene 2:
Juliet enters on a balcony, Romeo enters below balcony.
Shakespeare: Okay, this is the balcony scene. You know the one. Just don't mess this scene up like you did the others.
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is
sun. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with
grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she: Be not her maid, since she is
envious; her vestal livery is but sick and green and none but fools do wear it; cast
it off. It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were! She speaks yet
she says nothing: what of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too
bold, tis not to me she speaks: Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having
some business, do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres till they return. The
brightness of her cheek would shame those stars, as daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright that birds would sing and
think it were not night. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand, that I might touch that cheek!
Juliet: Ay, me!
Romeo: She speaks: O, speak again, bright angel!
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Romeo: Juliet, baby, I'm right here!
Juliet: Yo! Romie! I'm comin' down.
Juliet jumps off balcony and hugs Romeo.
Shakespeare: Cut! What's going on here?
Juliet: Just following the script, Shaky.
Shakespeare: My name's Shakespeare, not Shaky, and what are you talking about?
Juliet pulls out a script and points to a certain line.
Juliet: See, it says right there that I jump off the balcony and hug Romeo.
Shakespeare: It looks like you wrote that on the back of a Hardee's wrapper.
Juliet: What's your point?
Shakespeare: Let's just start over from "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?".
Juliet climbs up the terrace, falls down.
Juliet: I could use a little help here.
Shakespeare (Sighing): Fine, I'll write "Juliet reappears on the balcony".
Juliet reappears on the balcony.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy
name; or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
Romeo (Aside): Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
Juliet: Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? that which we
call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not
Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo
doff thy name, and for that name which is no part of thee take all myself.
Romeo: I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; henceforth I
never will be Romeo.
Juliet (Screaming): Ah! What are you doing here, you pervert! I'm only in a nightgown. Do you want me to call the cops!
Shakespeare: What are you doing?
Juliet: Well, you have to admit, this guy is practically a peeping tom. For all he knows I could be changing right here, so I think my character should scream a little.
Romeo: I have to admit, Shaky, whenever I look through a woman's window in the middle of the night, I get pretty much the same reaction.
Shakespeare: But you're supposed to have fallen in love after the Capulets' ball!
Juliet: Fallen in love? We met for like three minutes, five minutes if you add in all the blah blah blah. What sane person falls in love after five minutes?
Romeo: Yeah. I need, like, fifteen minutes before I think it's all right to try to catch a peak of her changing.
Juliet: And what's with Juliet talking about changing either her name or Romeo's? What's the point of that?
Shakespeare: You two are from feuding families, your parents would forbid you getting together.
Romeo: They also forbid the dragon tattoo on my back, but I've got it anyway.
Juliet: By the way, Shaky, I've been looking ahead in the script, and Romeo's supposed to propose in the balcony scene. I mean, that's sort of sudden. I don't feel up for that kind of commitment. I'd have to play the field a little bit first.
Romeo: What? I'm supposed to propose? As in marriage?
Juliet: That's what the script says.
Romeo: Julie, baby, I think we're moving a little too fast here.
Juliet: You're telling me. I've already got two ex-husbands and another boyfriend on the side, I do not need to be married again.
Romeo: Besides, I was supposed to be madly in love with some chick named Rosaline in the first act, I'm just on the rebound. Maybe if we went to a bar, had a couple of drinks, we might get somewhere, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
Enter Mercutio
Mercutio: Romeo, dude!
Romeo: Marc, what you doing here?
Mercutio: Came to talk to this Shaky guy you go on and on about. You know, the cranky bald guy who, if rumor holds true, drinks a little too much.
Romeo: Um, Shaky's right there, Marc.
Mercutio: Oh, Shaky, glad to get the chance to meet you. You know, I don't know what all those tabloids were talking about.
Shakespeare: My name isn't Shaky! My name is SHAKESPEARE!
Mercutio: Anyway, I came hear to talk about getting my scene in.
Shakespeare: What scene? It's not time for you to fight with Tybalt, yet.
Mercutio: No, no, not that. Romeo said you could get me a comedy bit, something about the "Queen Mab" speech.
Shakespeare: Romeo! I was saving that speech for "A Midsummer Night's Dream".
Romeo: Come on Shaky, look at him, Mark would be great for that scene.
Shakespeare: But we already passed that point in the rehearsal, we can't go back to it. We're on a very strict time schedule.
Mercutio: Well, I guess I can't change your mind.
Mercutio bends down and picks up something.
Mercutio: Hello, I do believe it's my old friend, Mr. Washington, maybe he can make you understand.
Shakespeare: Is this a bribe?
Mercutio: Don't be ridiculous. (He pockets the bill.) But maybe if Mr. Lincoln showed up, you might consider putting my scene in the rehearsal.
Shakespeare: I'm afraid Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Washington are not going to persuade me. Now, if you happen to know Mr. Franklin . . .
Mercutio: Well, I don't think Mr. Franklin is here right now. But perhaps you might listen to Mr. Picture-Of-You-Cheating-On-Your-Wife-In-A-Seedy- Bar.
Shakespeare: Okay, we're giving Mercutio the Queen Mab speech.
Act I: Scene 4:
Shakespeare: Okay, let's get this Queen Mab speech over with.
Enter Romeo and Mercutio.
Romeo: I dreamed a dream tonight.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: Well, what was yours?
Mercutio: That dreamers often lie.
Romeo: In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.
Mercutio: O, then, Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, and she
comes in shape no bigger than an agate stone on the forefinger of an alderman,
drawn with a team of atomies athwart men's noses as they lie asleep; her wagon-
spokes made of . . .
Tybalt Enters and stabs Mercutio with a sword.
Shakespeare: What the @#!*!
Mercutio: Ow, that hurt. I'm not supposed to die for a couple more acts. Shaky, what's going on around here? Who is this guy?
Shakespeare: Tybalt, you're not supposed to kill Mercutio yet. We haven't gotten through enough scenes for that to happen.
Tybalt: Hey, I'm just doing what the man says.
Mercutio: Hey, I'm dying here. Isn't anybody going to get some help?
Romeo: I would, but my lawyer told me that if I help anybody, I might get sued.
Shakespeare: Tybalt, who told you to do that?
Tybalt: Some Spielberg guy.
Spielberg: That's right. Mercutio was going to go on forever. I mean, is this even English he's speaking?
Romeo: Shaky, who's this Tybalt guy.
Shakespeare: He's Juliet's cousin and has sworn to destroy all Montagues and their friends. That includes Mercutio and Romeo.
Romeo (Nervous): Hey, Tybalt, might I say, excellent use of the sword on Mercutio, I mean, man, you nailed him good.
Mercutio: Hey, he's the guy who stabbed me! What are you complimenting him for?
Shakespeare: See what you've done, Spielberg.
Spielberg: Hey, I don't blame me if you're characters can't take a little violence.
Tybalt: All this talk is really wonderful, but the script says I'm supposed to fight Romeo now. So let's get down to it.
Tybalt knocks Romeo down and prepares to stab him.
Shakespeare: Romeo, you're supposed to kill Tybalt, not the other way around!
Romeo: Tell this guy with the sword that. Say, Mercutio, does it hurt bad?
Mercutio: Well, after the first few minutes of searing pain, the pain goes away as you start to die.
Romeo: Could use some help here.
Shakespeare: I'm not sure what to do.
Spielberg: I know what to do, though. Let's see here, I'll write in the script "Juliet enters . . ."
Juliet enters and shoots Tybalt.
Romeo: Well, that cleared up that mess.
Tybalt: Hey, Juliet, I'm your cousin, why'd you pull a gun on me?
Juliet: Well, you were always a little annoying. Besides, I'm in your will.
Mercutio: Doesn't feel that good, does it, Tybalt.
Romeo: Is it just me, or are these two taking a long time to die?
Shakespeare: Oh, I forgot to write it in.
Mercutio and Tybalt die.
Romeo: Well, that's out of the way. How about the big romantic kiss at the end?
Shakespeare: Go ahead. Just one thing, Romeo is supposed to be dead when Juliet kisses him, you know, committing suicide and all.
Romeo: Well, um, the two of us don't have to kiss, Shaky.
Shakespeare: Well, I was going to let you off the hook, but since you called me "Shaky" one too many times, here goes nothing.
Romeo dies.
Juliet: Man, you really didn't like him. So, what happens next?
Shakespeare: Well, you kiss Romeo now.
Juliet: That I can do.
Juliet kisses Romeo's body.
Juliet: Eck, I hate kissing a guy with corpse breath.
Shakespeare: Okay, now you have to stab yourself.
Juliet: What?
Shakespeare: Well, the love of your life just died.
Juliet: I'm a big actress in Hollywood, I can get another love of my life.
Shakespeare: But if you don't kill yourself, how do we end the play?
Spielberg: I've got an idea.
Shakespeare: Let me guess, terrorists, or maybe nudity?
Spielberg: Fine, don't take the advice of a director who makes millions a year.
Juliet: Do I have to die?
Spielberg: Nope.
Juliet: I vote for Spielberg's plan.
Shakespeare: Fine, you've ruined the rehearsal already.
Spielberg: Okay, let me see the script. Now, all I have to do is write . . .
Juliet's finger starts to glow and she puts it on Romeo's heart.
Juliet: Remember, I'll always be here.
A spaceship comes into view, Juliet steps inside, the door closes, and it takes off.
Shakespeare (Sarcastic): Well, that wasn't too out of place. Didn't you already use that ending to some movie?
Spielberg: Yeah, folks eat this stuff up.
Shakespeare: Well, I'm just glad this rehearsal is over. I just hope "Romeo and Juliet" does well.
Spielberg: "Romeo and Juliet"? I thought this was the rehearsal for "Blair Witch Project IV".
Shakespeare: No! It's the play, "Romeo and Juliet".
Spielberg: Oh my God! I've got to get to L.A., quick.
Spielberg leaves.
Shakespeare: And this guy is the finest director in Hollywood. Oh, boy.
The End