A/N: Sorry about the long delay in getting this chapter out. Real Life is making it nearly impossible to find time to work on this. (I love the story too much to not put the effort into making it the best I can-so thanks for sticking with me through this). Hopefully- I haven't lost everyone who was reading. It really makes my life happier knowing that you guys are out there reading this- and that you like it. I've made you wait too long already- so on with the story…
Disclaimer: owns all the great ideas and wonder that is Twilight. I only wish that someday I could achieve her level of writing.
Chapter 17
Recap of last chapter:
Around midnight my phone beeped letting me know I had a new text message.
I'm scared.
-E
I wanted to hold him close to me and tell him that he was safe. My arms ached to hold him.
You are wrapped up safe in my arms. I won't let anyone hurt you again.
-B
I wrapped my arms tightly around my waist and thought of Edward. I was hoping that somehow, he could feel my love for him and feel my arms around him holding him tight.
****
EPOV:
I don't know how she did it, but Bella always managed to calm me. She always seemed to know exactly how I was feeling and what to say to make me feel like I could be worthy of her love. She believed in me. She saw something in me, and made me want to be the person that she saw. Her love gave me the strength and courage I needed to face any challenge. When we were parted, my fears and doubts would creep back in.
Now that I was back in Chicago I could feel the fear starting to creep back in. I didn't let it incapacitate me like it did before. Now when I closed my eyes it was Bella's face that I saw instead of the face of the monster. I was still scared about how things would go at the hearing and my nerves made it nearly impossible to sleep. I finally sent Bella a quick and simple text letting her know how I was. Her response, as usual, was exactly what I needed. Once I let myself picture her arms around me, holding me, I drifted off to sleep.
Morning came too quickly, and I had to prepare for seeing my father. We met with some lawyers and went over what would be asked of me and Alice at the hearing. I was glad when they told me that Alice wouldn't be asked to speak, unless she had something that she wanted to say to the board. They were much more interested in hearing from me. They wanted me to recount some of the horrors that he had inflicted on me- his own flesh and blood. They also wanted me to give a statement about whether or not I felt he deserved to be paroled and why. It was all what I had expected. We were suppose to meet with the board that afternoon. Then we would be able to leave that evening and head back home. I was more than anxious to get this over with. I wanted nothing more than to be back home and feel Bella's arms wrapped around me.
We had returned to the hotel after the morning meeting since we still had over 3 hours before the hearing would start. We had no sooner walked in the door before someone was knocking at it. Carlisle opened the door and I saw 2 men that identified themselves as Detectives. I couldn't hear what they were saying to Carlisle but it looked serious. After a few moments he glanced over at me and Alice then turned back to the Detectives and said "Please give me a few minutes?"
There was a look of what? Sympathy? That crossed their faces before they nodded. The taller one with dark hair glanced over at us and the then told him they would be waiting outside.
Carlisle crossed the room running his hands through his hair. He was struggling with what he was about to tell us. The look on his face said that it was something serious, and something he wasn't comfortable having to tell us like this.
"Edward, Alice, come sit down. There are some new developments that I need to tell you about." We walked over and sat down across from him. I wrapped my arm around Ali because I had a feeling that this would affect her more deeply than me. Carlisle kept glancing up at her.
"The Detectives believe that they have found your Mothers remains. They believe that your father killed her to keep her from reporting what he was doing to you. He won't say anything to them. He says he will only talk to the two of you. Apparently his main demand- if you will- has been that he will only talk to you." He spat out the rest, clearly disturbed by even having to mention it.
Alice started sobbing as Carlisle finished. "The Detectives are hoping that he will come out and confess. If he does, then he will end up on death row, and won't be eligible for parole. They are hoping that you will agree to meet with him. They have postponed the hearing until tomorrow, just in case you agree." Carlisle paused and shook his head.
"Just let me say that I don't like this one bit. I don't want either of you to feel like you have to do any of this. This is not what we were expecting when we agreed to come here. Nobody expects you to do this." With that said, Carlisle just sat there looking at us, waiting for some kind of response.
I rocked Alice as the sobs continued to wrack through her body. She was just shaking her head crying "No" over and over. She eventually broke free of my arms seeking the comfort of the only father she had ever really known. Carlisle spoke softly to her and gently rubbed her back. He kept looking at me. I know he was waiting for a reaction- but I was numb.
I couldn't think clearly at all. I felt like my mind was on overload. I kept seeing flashes of my former existence with that bastard! Between the flashes of my Mothers face and the years of feeling abandoned by her, I felt guilt for not letting myself even believe that this could be a possibility. I had betrayed my Mother by not even considering that he had hurt her too. I couldn't stay her- I needed to get out. I was too confined. I felt like a caged animal just waiting to attack.
I bolted out of the door and ran to the stairs. I didn't have a clue where I was going, but running was helping to drown out all of the emotions, and memories. I concentrated on the burning in my legs, and the pain in my lungs as I sucked in each breath. I didn't notice how cold it was out, nor did I care.
When I finally collapsed from exhaustion I realized I was at the one place I had been running from all of these years. I couldn't move. All of the memories flooded into my mind holding me captive.
I don't know how long I sat there on the lawn in front of the house that was my own personal hell for so long. I was starting to realize that my body was aching from being in the same position for so long. I don't remember grabbing my cell phone, or calling her. All I remember was suddenly hearing her voice.
"Edward?"
Silence.
"Edward? Are you okay? Are you there?"
Darkness.
"Please Edward. Say something. You're scaring me- please let me know you are okay. Please Edward? Just say something…" I could hear her crying. No. Bella shouldn't be crying. She deserves happiness. She doesn't need a monster like me in her life. She was so perfect. She was everything that was good. But I was a selfish monster, and I needed her.
"Bella…. I… I'm so sorry Bella. I don't know what to do." I didn't even recognize my own voice.
"Oh Edward. Baby, what happened?" Her voice was full of love and concern that I didn't deserve. Why couldn't she see that everyone that came in contact with me ended up destroyed?
"I…I… I can't. It hurts so fucking much, Bella. I don't think I can do this now. Th…they think he killed my M..m..mom." I wasn't sure if she heard or even understood what I was saying. I was crying so hard it felt like I was being ripped apart with each new sob.
She tried to console me, as I fought to control my body's violently tearful reaction. She cooed words of love and affection, and finally just hummed until my breathing was a bit more controlled.
"Bella, I'm sorry. This isn't fair to you. I shouldn't have called. I just don't know how I can face him now. I don't know how to do this."
"Edward" Bella snapped. "This isn't fair to anyone. You didn't deserve any of this to happen to you. I know you are scared- you wouldn't be human if you weren't! But you are strong enough to face this. You won't ever be able to move on, if you don't face him. You know that. If he did do something to your Mother- don't you want to know? Don't you want to make him pay for his crimes?" All of the emotion flowing from her was giving me the strength I needed to get through this. It made me feel like even more of a burden to her.
"I know you're right Bella. I just don't know how to face him. How do I do this without having the flashbacks, and end up like a fucking zombie again?"
"You have the strength in you Edward. You are everything that is good and wonderful with this fucked up world. He is a pathetic excuse for a human. Despite everything that he did- you still have so much love and compassion. You have shown me what it feels like to be loved. I don't know how you get through this- but I know that you won't be able to face yourself unless you try. You don't have to face this alone either. Don't you know that I am here for you? I will always be here for you."
I didn't know what to say. I was in awe that this amazing angelic creature felt this way about me. She had enough faith for both of us.
"Edward, you are strong enough to do this. Don't ever doubt how much I love you and believe in you. I am always here for you. No matter what!"
"Thank you Bella. I love you. I don't know how I am going to do this- but you always seem to give me the strength I need to face my demons. I would be completely lost without you."
We continued to talk, but the mood had lightened considerably as I worked my way back through the crowded streets towards the hotel. Once my initial panic was gone, I was able to talk more openly about everything. Bella continued to listen and offer encouragement. She understood that this might throw our return trip back a few more days. We wouldn't know until later today how things played out.
As I walked through the door to our hotel room, I saw relief wash across Carlisle's face. Alice was sleeping on the couch.
"How is she doing?"
"She will be okay. How about you? How are doing?"
"Better now." He arched an eyebrow at my comment, urging more, but not pushing. "I ended up at our old house. I'm not exactly sure how I even found it."
Carlisle just sat there waiting. He knew this was hard for me, and I was glad that he wasn't pushing for me to say anything before I was ready.
"I need to do this. I need to find out what happened to our Mother, and to make sure he pays for everything he did- to all of us. I am done with letting him rule my life." I was surprised at how determined I sounded.
"Very well then. The detectives that were here earlier would like to talk to you, if you think you are up for it. The hearing has been postponed until tomorrow. If you think you are ready, I will call them to set up a time for all of this." His worry was clearly evident on his face as he spoke. I nodded my head so he would know I was ready to do this.
*****
The meeting with the Detectives was fairly brief. They informed me that recently the remains of my Mother had been uncovered near our old house. The coroner's statement showed that she had suffered a great deal of injuries. Practically every bone in her body had been broken. I don't know how I held myself together as they continued to drone on. I managed to separate myself from the emotions- and just learn as much as I could about what they thought happened.
"Edward, I know this is going to be difficult for you, but it would really help our case if we could find out more about what happened to your Mother. Your father says he is only willing to talk to you and your sister. Do you think you could handle speaking with him?"
"I want to try. I want him to pay for all of the pain he has caused." My voice was monotone, and void of all emotion.
They simply nodded and told me that they would be back in a few minutes. Memories of my Mother's face haunted me as I waited. I couldn't remember her clearly anymore, but the way she would smile or the way I felt when she would hug me were still strong.
Soon the Detectives were back and asked me to follow them to the visitor's area. They told me that they had set up an interrogation room for our meeting. They would be standing outside watching, and there would also be camera's recording everything. Again, all I could do was nod.
The room was empty except for a table and three chairs. My heart was pounding so hard it was a wonder that nobody else could hear it. The door finally opened. The detectives led in a man wearing one of those orange jumpsuits you see prisoners in movies. His hands and legs were shackled. This was my father. No. He was never my father- this was the Monster. This was the monster? He didn't look anything at all like I remembered. My fear gave way to the anger that was boiling inside of me just waiting to explode.
He was sitting across from me but didn't look up. While I was waiting for him to talk, I looked him over. He looked almost frail. I could tell that his time in prison hadn't treated him well, and for that I was glad. He had a deep scar across the right side of his face, just barely missing his eye. His skin was pasty white and almost translucent. I was disgusted by the sight of him. Just being this close to him made me want to throw up. I didn't feel afraid of him anymore. Now I can see that he is nothing. When he finally looked in my eyes, he flinched slightly. Then that sneer that I remembered from my youth. I watched as he licked his lips greedily while looking at me. Everything about him was vile and repulsive. I fought to keep my composure. I couldn't afford to lose control, at least, not until I found out the truth about my mother.
"What did you do to my Mother you sick bastard?" I growled at him and slammed my hand down on the table separating us.
"Now, now Edward. Is that any way to greet to your father?"
"You were never my father."
"That hurts Edward. You are my son. You are the cause of all of this. I only did what I had to do to banish the evil. I'm only sorry that I didn't get to finish the job." He paused while searching my face. "I can still see the demons inside of you. They are begging to be set free. They will eventually break through- and then the world will know that I was right. They will see you for what you really are. They don't see it now. All they see is what you show them. You have them all fooled don't you? Does anyone know your true nature besides me? You will lure them in with your charms, and your looks- they won't even know how monstrous you will become. They will be at ease and trust you. But you will slaughter them all. You will destroy their souls. You are an abomination- I was trying to save the world from your evil. In the end, they will beg me to banish you to the farthest depths of hell. When that time comes, I will rejoice in all that is holy. I will finally get to finish what I started. I am stronger now. I have learned how to resist, and how to fight. They will beg for my mercy- as I destroy those that would protect your evil powers. Just like I did with your Mother. She tried to stop me- but in the end good always triumphs!"
I did my best to hold back the flood of memories as the words flew out of his mouth. My body wanted to jump across the table and rip him limb from limb. Instead I focused on calming my breathing back down. I briefly thought of Bella, and then felt as though I had the strength to get through anything.
"I'm going to ask you once more- What did you do to my Mother?"
"You always were the impatient one. Fine, if you want to hear it so badly, I will tell you. I think you will probably enjoy hearing this… almost as much as I will." With that he started laughing almost maniacally. I could feel my temper flaring even more, threatening to break through. My fists were clenching, and aching for me to jump across the table and inflict every bit as much harm on him, as he had on me. I couldn't let myself turn into him. I had to fight it. Eventually his laughter died down and he started to speak again.
"Your Mother wanted to protect you. She didn't understand. She couldn't see the evil inside of you. She couldn't see the monster that you are. She thought you were just another innocent child that needed to be protected. What she didn't understand was that you are all that is evil. Everything about you was created by the devil himself. You were created to draw people to you so you could bend them to your will. I was trying to save the world from having to endure your existence. They are all such fools… they don't see what you are. I'm the only one who saw what you are." He paused for several minutes. He seemed to be somewhere completely different.
I was fighting back the onslaught of memories of what he had done to me in the past. I couldn't let him have any power over me now. He was mumbling something under his breath, then seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was in. He shifted in his seat. His face was cold and heartless. "You were supposed to die that day. It should have been your blood spilled. She didn't understand. She didn't believe me when I told her this was God's will. Somehow, you had already turned her to do your evil bidding."
"What did you do?" I demanded- my whole body was wound tight and ready to spring across the table and force the answers from him if necessary.
"When she saw what you were doing- how you had twisted my mind to do your evil deeds- she accused me of being evil. She didn't understand that I was the only one strong enough to stop you from spreading your evil throughout the world. Too late now. All hope is gone. Nothing matters anymore…." He said as his voice trailed off. Once again, his eyes glazed over and he looked like he was having a conversation with someone who wasn't there.
"I followed her out of the room. Pleaded with her to hear me out, to listen. But she said she was going to go to the police. She was going to take you away from me, before I could finish cleansing you of evil. They told me it had to be done. You had already destroyed her soul. She was lost- so I did her a favor- she wouldn't have wanted to live anymore without her soul. She fought like she had been possessed. I took my time teaching her how she should behave. She kept fighting- even after I broke her bones."
Tears were streaming down my face and the anger continued to well inside of me. I was barely aware of the Detectives coming back in the room. The bastard kept talking, describing in detail everything he did to my mother. I heard him talking, but my brain was no longer processing what he was saying. I vaguely remember one of the officers leading me out of the room- I was only aware of the drone of his voice fading and dying out completely as we walked.
I must have blacked out again. When I came to I was back in the hotel. I could hear Carlisle talking on the phone. I tried to focus on his voice and block out the voice of my father replaying in my head. Describing all of the gruesome things he had done to my mother. Surely the police had enough evidence against him now to charge him with my mother's murder- and keep him locked away for the rest of his life. I felt the anger welling up inside of me again and fought to push it away. I wouldn't let him rule my life anymore.
I let my mind focus instead on Bella. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to feel her warmth, hear her voice. But I needed to pull myself together before I tried to talk to her. I was done with falling apart. I needed her like I needed air to breathe- but I needed to be strong for her.
Once I had calmed down enough, I got out of bed and walked into the main area of the suite. Carlisle was still on the phone and didn't notice me walk into the room. Alice was sleeping on the couch. I lightly nudged her to get her to move over enough for me to sit down. Her eyes fluttered open- and she launched herself at me. I managed to catch her and keep us both from falling to the floor.
"Easy there pixie" I told her as I sat us both down on the couch. She gave me a hug and then pulled back to look at me critically.
"So how are you doing Edward?" She asked after a moment.
"I'm fine Ali. It was just a lot to handle, you know?"
"Yeah." She said softly. "I was so afraid we were going to lose you again."
"Don't worry baby sis- someone showed me that I was stronger than I thought. I don't think I will be checking out on you again".
I was still pretty shaky and was trying not to think about what had happened earlier. I didn't want to let myself get overwhelmed by it all again. It was so much to process. I knew there were things that Alice needed to know- and I wasn't sure how well I would hold up relaying what I had learned. I decided to wait until Carlisle was with us before I told her what had happened. She seemed to be waiting for that as well. He would be able to provide more comfort to her than I would.
Knowing that my Mother had not just abandoned us was both a curse and a blessing. I had spent all of this time knowing with every fiber of my being that I was not worthy of anyone's love. Only to find out that my Mother had not been repulsed by me- that she had been trying to save me. That she loved me so much that she died for me…and I felt like I had betrayed her memory all of these years.
********************
I ended up staying up most of the night talking with Carlisle about what had happened. Carlisle seemed to read me pretty well earlier in the evening and didn't push me for answers while Alice was still awake. She was understandably upset, but handled things pretty well. After she went to bed I asked Carlisle if he would mind talking for a while longer. I wasn't ready to be left alone with my thoughts. He agreed that talking about it might help soften the blow somewhat. We both figured I would be having nightmares again, and he suggested giving me something to help me sleep. I wanted to wait, and see how well I could handle things first. I was surprised when he told me he was proud of the man I was turning into.
Carlisle told us that in light of the confession we were no longer needed to give statements as there would not be a parole hearing now. The Detectives or District Attorney would contact us when they had a new trial date for my Mother's murder. He said it was up to us if we wanted to attend the trial, they had enough evidence plus his confession to lock him away for good this time.
Sleep didn't come easy. When I would drift off I would become bombarded by memories, some were of my Mother, and I tried to cling onto those. The other dreams would were somehow less terrifying than they used to be- they had somehow changed giving me the strength I needed to defend myself. I was no longer the frightened and helpless little boy. What terrified me most about these dreams was the violence that I would unleash on that monster. Yes, I wanted him to die, and I wanted him to suffer for the things that he had done to me and my Mother. Seeing it played out in my dreams, I felt like the monster he said I was, as I tortured him mercilessly.
I was glad we would be heading back home in the morning.