Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters or books therein. (Although this isn't completely in line with current canon revelations.)

I was browsing through my collection of antique one-shots I have saved on my computer and noticed this one. I still find it amusing, so I decided to share it and see if it makes anyone else smile.

The SOI update has been postponed to next week due to me having too much fun over Spring break and not getting anything done. I hope my readers will enjoy this in the interim.

Paradise Patrol

R. Winters

It was Pakkun who started it, really. They'd had patrol duty for the day in the forest that sheltered Konoha, and the young dog was the one who noticed a foreign scent.

"I don't know," Pakkun had replied when Kakashi asked for more details. His small face was scrunched up in thought, creating even more wrinkles than usual. "Something... maybe a little spicy, but earthy, too... not like that dry earth smell, you know, the living stuff, I mean."

It hadn't sounded like a Rock-nin, but it didn't sound like anyone from Konoha, either, and Kakashi was duty-bound to check it out.

The twelve-year-old scowled when he saw the man crouched in the bushes, and approached him in a foul mood because he'd just wasted seven minutes tracking the strange scent to the source and now he was way off from where he was supposed to be and would probably be late to meet up with his team.

"Jiraiya-sama," he acknowledged dryly, face set in a scowl under his mask and his eyes showing just enough of the negative emotion to let the wandering Sannin know how unhappy he was.

Said Sannin didn't even look at him, though, holding up one hand and peering avidly at something in the bushes, "Shh!"

Kakashi's scowl deepened at the casual way his annoyance was ignored, and he crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for the man to acknowledge him.

After several minutes he gave up to natural curiosity and quietly edged closer to the man, craning his neck to see what was so interesting in the bush that even one of the greatest ninja from Konoha would be so absorbed by it.

A few minutes later he found himself crouched right beside the man, because it was the only vantage point he could see into the bush from, and a flush immediately spread out from under his mask until his whole face was red. He couldn't look away.

For once it was Kakashi who was late. Obito had found some satisfaction in this before he realized that the only reason his obsessive teammate would be late was if he was bleeding to death, pinned to a tree somewhere, after fighting a dozen missing-nin all at once.

The young Uchiha allowed himself to indulge in vindictive satisfaction before heading down the path his teammate was supposed to come from, keeping a sharp eye out for any sign of trouble. As much as he hated Kakashi, he couldn't just let him bleed to death.

Obito was not stupid. He was thirteen years old and a Chuunin. Contrary to Kakashi's belief, he actually had a few skills. Granted, he wasn't the genius his teammate was, but he wasn't sure he wanted to be, either. Not if it meant he couldn't have any fun.

Tracking was one thing he was good at, and he was just able to spot where Kakashi's tracks veered off the set path he was supposed to be on. He looked around carefully, but didn't see any sign of enemy tracks, then moved to follow.

He found his teammate ten minutes later, crouched next to a man with even whiter hair than Kakashi's own. Neither of them looked up at his entrance and the boy scowled.

Here he'd come all this way, out of the good of his heart, and Kakashi didn't even have the decency to be bleeding or in mortal peril or anything! Why had he bothered coming all this way if it wasn't to save his teammate's life—and maybe earn a little gratitude while he was at it?

Kakashi probably wouldn't have shown any gratitude, he admitted, but blackmail would work just as well.

Obito put his hands on his hips and glared down at the pair, "A-hem!"

"Shh!" The white haired man abruptly shoved a hand in his face, still leaning forward to look into the bushes.

Obito frowned deeper and shoved the hand away. "What are you—" this time the hand was right on his face, covering his mouth and effectively muffling the rest of his question.

"Shh," the man hissed again.

Scowling more deeply than ever, Obito considered simply biting the man's hand. It drew back before he could act on the impulse, though, and Obito opened his mouth to demand what was going on again. He shut it when he realized he'd probably just be shushed again.

Annoyed, Obito stepped closer, stretching his neck to see over his teammate, but from that vantage point all he could see were green leaves.

Muttering under his breath, Obito crouched and elbowed his way between Kakashi and the strange, white-haired man. He cast a scowl at Kakashi, only to do a double-take as he noticed the glazed look in the other boy's eyes, and the slight blush just showing over his mask.

Curiosity hit him suddenly and he turned his eyes towards the bush again, wondering what could make his cool and collected teammate so disturbed. His mouth dropped open and his eyes widened behind his goggles.

The Yellow Flash looked around one last time, narrowing his eyes in a fruitless attempt to see through the trees as he peered around wide trunks. Just like all the other times, he was unable to identify anyone other than himself and Rin in the area.

Scratching the back of his head, he looked down at his watch—the boys should have been here five minutes ago.

"Do you have the time, Rin?" He asked bemusedly, still staring at his watch.

The girl lifted up her own watch and frowned at it for a moment before looking up. "It's five minutes past," she said.

The blonde nodded and looked around the forest again, just for good measure. He scratched his hair again.

Recognizing his nervous habit a little sheepishly, he let his hand fall to his side and sighed, "We better go look for them. Obito might be late, but Kakashi should have at least checked in by now."

He checked his radio, just to make sure it hadn't died on him, but the small red light was steady and bright, just like the last time he'd looked.

"I'll go ahead first, in case there's trouble," the Jounin decided, glancing down at Rin, "Stay ten meters behind me. You'll be my surprise backup if anything happens, alright?"

Rin nodded, face grim. She wouldn't have been worried if it was just Obito, but Kakashi was late, too. It was possible the pair of them had run into the enemy.

The first signs of life the Yellow Flash found were at the rendezvous point Kakashi and Obito should have met up at before joining him and Rin. There was only one set of footprints, and from the uneven gait, the man guessed they were Obito's.

His frown grew a little deeper. Obito must have arrived here before Kakashi, then went looking for the other boy, which made things all the more alarming. If it had been Kakashi's prints, he could have excused it as a momentary lack of thought on Kakashi's part—he could have simply forgotten to call in and went to gather his tardy teammate. Kakashi being the one late, though, that was real cause for concern.

Following the prints down Kakashi's arc of the patrol, the Yellow Flash moved as fast as he was able, knowing his students may be in danger. Rin would fall a little farther behind, but that would give him extra time to assess the situation, and take care of it before the girl became involved, too.

A few minutes later he came across the point where the two prints crossed, Obito's covering up most of Kakashi's as they veered off the path.

The Yellow Flash frowned in bemusement. It was possible one of Kakashi's ninken had detected an enemy farther off the path—he could make out dog prints among the human's—and, knowing Kakashi, he probably would have left to investigate on his own.

The Jounin scowled—he'd have to have another talk with the boy. Never mind that Kakashi was a likely candidate for Jounin this year, he was still his commanding officer. If there was trouble, he had the right to be informed.

Of course, depending on what the trouble was, it may have been wise to maintain radio silence.

With an annoyed huff, the Yellow Flash quickly headed off down the side trail.

Five minutes later he came upon a scene entirely different from that he'd been expecting. Three backs were to him, crouched in front of some high bushes, and apparently looking very intently at something inside them.

Kakashi's shoulders were tense around his tantō, and Obito's were shaking slightly. The third pair was moving slightly as well, and the Jounin's face darkened as he recognized the long white hair cascading down them. Forget having a word with his students—although he'd do that, too—it looked like a more pressing conversation was needed with his teacher!

Still feeling annoyed, the young man couldn't help but bend down behind his students—just to make sure his facts were right before he yelled at his old mentor, of course.

Rin walked down the small side path nervously, looking around constantly for signs of fighting. The further she got away from the main path, the more nervous she became. Just how far had the others gone? And why hadn't she heard from any of them, yet? It was like there was something out there picking off her team one-by-one.

Nervously checking her radio again—the steady red light assured her it was on and fully functional—Rin rounded a corner only to stop short and blink.

The image was still there.

A large man was crouched in the bushes, long white hair spiking out in different directions all down his back. Next to him was Obito, pushed a little lower by their teacher, who was leaning over him. On Obito's other side, Kakashi was crouched. All of them seemed to be studying something very intently.

Frowning in confusion, Rin stepped up behind them, craning her head to see around first Kakashi, then her teacher. When neither position offered a view of anything interesting, she hesitantly tapped her teacher's arm, hoping she wasn't interrupting anything.

"Sensei," she started softly, because except for a strange wheezing sound from one of the men—she thought it might be the large man—they were all completely silent, "What are you all looking at?"

The blond glanced at her over his shoulder for the briefest of seconds, then looked again, head snapping around and eyes wide with alarm. First his face drained of color, then his cheeks abruptly heated up to a rosy red. Immediately, his hand lodged itself behind his head and he straightened, laughing nervously and making sure to position himself between Rin and the bush.

"Ah. Ha ha, you finally made it, Rin," he gave Kakashi's foot a light kick, causing the boy's shoulders to tense up further. Kakashi jerked around, jumping away from the bush as though it had sprouted flames. He blushed again at the sight of Rin and his teacher, and quickly averted his eyes to glower at Obito's back.

Rin frowned at their strange behavior and attempted to side-step her teacher, who laughed and moved in her way again. "Sensei, what's going on?"

"Now, now, Rin-chan," the Yellow Flash rose his voice, kicking Obito's leg next—Obito shifted slightly, but otherwise ignored him. "We were just... uh... checking on something, but we're done now." He kicked the large man in the shin—none-too-gently, either.

The large man growled and glared at the younger man over his shoulder. "Shut your trap, twerp," he grumbled, only to break off with wide eyes as he noticed Rin. He jumped to his feet in front of her eagerly, "Why, hello there, young lady! And what might your name be?"

Rin flushed a little, unused to the attention and looked away shyly. "I'm Rin—" was as far as she got before she broke off. Her teacher had just punched the large man firmly in the arm.

"Don't talk to her!" The Yellow Flash exploded, "She's only thirteen, you old lecher!"

The white haired man flushed red and grabbed the younger man in a headlock, digging the knuckles of his right hand into the spiky blond hair. Laughing nervously he addressed Rin, "Don't pay any attention to him, he's an idiot; has no idea what he's saying!" He leaned his head closer to his captive student. "And you," he growled, "Keep your voice down or you'll scare them away!"

Rin blinked, then frowned. "Scare who away?" She asked, having a strong feeling that it had something to do with the bush. She attempted to side-step again, but the large man abruptly dropped her teacher in favor of blocking her path—the Yellow Flash, put off balance by his sudden release, toppled over gracelessly.

The Sannin raised his hands in front of her, waving them back and forth as though to distract the young girl. He was grinning widely—Rin thought it looked a little creepy. "It's nothing interesting, really!"

Rin scowled, not appreciating being the only one left in the dark—Kakashi had shuffled over to help their teacher up, still with his eyes trained on the ground and that mysterious blush coloring his face, even above the mask. "Who's back there!"

"No one!" The man insisted, moving in front of her a second time, "Just... just the squirrels!"

"Squirrels?" The Yellow Flash asked in amusement, "You're 'researching' squirrels now?"

"Researching?" Rin wondered, looking at the large man in confusion.

The man nodded smartly and puffed his chest out proudly, "For the book I'm writing, of course."

"You're an author?" This time Rin really was distracted from whatever was in those bushes, "What are you writing?"

"I—" He cut himself off abruptly, smile freezing for a moment. Rin didn't notice the hand covertly pinching the back of his leg. The smile reasserted itself even stronger a moment later and he replied, "It's a dramatic novel called Squirrel Paradise!"

"Moron," Kakashi grumbled, having walked back around to Obito's side. He nudged the other boy with his foot, annoyed.

Obito, unable to hold it in any longer, broke into raucous laughter. "Squirrel Paradise?!" He repeated incredulously, "More like Make-Out Paradise!"

Kakashi, whose blush had been subsiding, turned red all over again and the Yellow Flash burst into hilarity with his black haired student.

The large man looked neither offended or amused, but his eyes widened and he abruptly jumped back to the bushes, looking through anxiously.

"No, no, no!" He moaned, practically dancing in anxiety.

Still chuckling, the Yellow Flash patted the man on his back. "I don't know, sensei, I think Icha Icha Paradise is right up your ally."

The big man shot him a tearful glare—one that promised retribution just as soon as he overcame his heart-break.

Rin frowned at the strange group and finally pushed her way through the males to look into the bushes.

On the other side was an abrupt drop-off, overlooking a clear pool of water with a small stream running out on one side and a waterfall splashing down on the far end. She didn't see any squirrels. Pulling back, Rin looked between the men in confusion again before rolling her eyes and starting back towards the path.

"Sensei, aren't we in the middle of patrol?" She asked over her shoulder, "And you guys are wasting time watching squirrels or whatever."

Obito started laughing even louder and Kakashi gave him another kick, face red and eyes furious. "It's not that funny, idiot," he growled.

"Yes, it is," Obito wheezed between laughs.

Kakashi rolled his eyes and followed Rin, muttering something about perverts as he passed the two adults.

"Obito, come on," the Yellow Flash said, rolling his eyes at his student's prolonged antics and hoisting him to his feet by the back of his jacket. He paused next to his teacher to add, "And sensei, we need to have a talk. Later." He'd have to tack flirting with minors—and his Rin of all girls!—onto the lecture about corrupting the minds of young boys.

His teacher, of course, didn't pay him any attention, but he appeared to be thinking very hard about something. Giving it up as a lost cause, the blond continued to drag his student away—Obito eventually got his feet under himself to walk.

Just before he'd herded his last student from the small clearing, the Yellow Flash heard something that made his heart skip a beat—he wasn't entirely sure if it was out of fear or anticipation.

"Icha Icha Paradise... Huh. That might actually work..."