Sam woke up as the first rays of the sun brightened the room. She stretched a little, then snuggled her face back into the chair cushion. If she could stay asleep, she could dream that she was lying in his arms, breathing in his scent and being cuddled. You wouldn't think an Air Force Major would want to be cuddled, but she did.

"God, I love you, Samantha." She didn't imagine that whispered phrase. It wasn't 'Jack the little boy' who kissed her yesterday; it was 'Jack the man'. At one point, right after Daniel left, she actually started to go to his room. The derisive voice of her conscience stopped her. So, you're going to go down there and jump his bones. While that would, undoubtedly, be quite fun, what about tomorrow? How are you going to explain to him what happened? That you molested a six-year-old boy. Because, despite physical evidence, that's what he is. You're the adult, Sam, act like it.

Now the voice of duty was prodding her. Get up. You're going to stay asleep all day? You've got a day's worth of chores to get done before noon.

Sam grumbled and pushed herself out of her little nest. Friday was cleaning day. The day the outgoing person made sure the laundry was done and the house was clean for the incoming person. She staggered down to the bathroom and flipped on the light. As she walked by the sink, something hard poked the bottom of her bare foot.

"What the heck," the woman muttered, running her hand across the rug. She got a chill when she realized what the object in her fingers was. One of Jack's sleeping pills. Flinging open the medicine cabinet, she ripped open the bottle. Six pills. There were thirty to start with, and they'd only given Jack five or six in the months since he came home. Don't panic. Find Jack. Call Daniel. Call 911.

She ran into the bedroom and snatched up the phone. Daniel was #2 on speed dial.

It rang four times before he answered. "Dan'l J'ck's'n," was his muffled greeting.

"Wake up, Daniel. It's me, Sam," she yelled, running to the other end of the house.

"What?" Daniel was a slow starter without his coffee.

"Daniel! It's Jack. He's got sleeping pills and I can't find him. Get over here."

Her answer was the sound of a phone bouncing from the nightstand to the floor and the thud of running feet.

"Colonel," she pounded on his door. No answer. Hurling it open, she did a quick sweep. Not here.

Bathroom – no. Den – no. Living room, kitchen, guest bedrooms, garage. All no. Now she was starting to get frantic. "Where the hell are you, Jack?"

Outside. Not on the deck, not in the yard. Did he wander off? Is he lying on the street somewhere? She looked up to heaven, "Please don't let this be happening."

Heaven. Up. The roof. The stargazing deck. Sam galloped across the wet grass to the side of the garage and launched herself up the ladder. She froze at the sight that greeted her on the shadowed platform.

There he was, reclining in his usual stargazing pose.

"Jack?" Sam's voice broke. She cleared her throat and tried again, "Jack!"

He didn't move.

The woman stepped onto the roof deck and stood, trembling. One more time. "Colonel, wake up!"

Not even a twitch in response.

Walking the four steps to his side, Sam squatted down to pick up the fallen bottle. The police aren't going to be happy if you contaminate their crime scene. Instead, she touched the almost dry residue of liquid still on the wood floor. It was full of the dissolved sleeping pills.

She reached out, brushing her fingers across his hand. So cold. Looking at the man laying peacefully in the chair, she noticed how the soft dawn light glinted off the silver in his hair and flowed over his face. It left his closed eyes in shadow but highlighted the gentle smile that curved his lips. He really does look like he's sleeping. The sun filtering through the dancing leaves even gave the illusion of breathing.

"I love you too, Jack." Sam pushed the unruly hair back from his forehead and laid the back of her hand lightly against his cheek, feeling the rough stubble of beard but none of the warmth she was praying for. He shouldn't be that cold. Fingers that still showed teeth marks hovered over his neck. She closed her eyes and pressed down on the pulse point, knowing there was nothing to find.

A chilled steel band wrapped around her wrist and pulled. Carter's nerves were wound so tight that she shrieked like a fire siren at the contact. Blue eyes met brown for a second. "Jaa…aaahhhh."

There was a confused flurry of motion and the Major ended up being hugged tight against the Colonel's chest. With his arms wrapped around her neck in a choke hold. She couldn't breathe, never mind talk. The world was starting to gray out at the edges as she reacted. Slamming her head back into his face, she jammed an elbow into his side and stomped her heel down on his bare foot.

The combined assault loosened his hold enough that Sam could pull free. She stumbled forward, falling over the chair and crashing into the base of the deck rails.

"Sam. Sam, wake up." Daniel's voice finally penetrated to her dazed brain.

She sat up, blinking her eyes in an attempt to focus on her friend's face. "Dan'l? Wha happen?"

"I don't know. That's what I was going to ask you." He was rummaging in the storage chest and pulled out a roll of paper towels. Tearing a few off, he folded them into a pad and held it to the gash on her forehead. "I heard your scream from the other end of the block. I think I drove through some yards on the way here."

Sam reached up to hold the makeshift bandage to her head and motioned for another towel for her bleeding mouth. "Help me. Shee 'bout Jack," she slurred, nodding toward the opposite side of the deck.

Jack was sprawled in the corner with his shoulders leaning back against the vertical posts. They were a few steps away when he suddenly jerked upright. His head was tilted, eyes squeezed shut and blood streaming unnoticed from his nose.

"Jack." Daniel knelt down next to him.

"Shhh!" The other man held up a hand in a 'stop' gesture.

"Are you …?"

"Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh." This time both hands were raised.

Sam and Daniel looked at each other helplessly.

"Almost … almost." He was silent for a few seconds more then he began to smile. "I got it. I got it."

Jack opened his eyes and stared past the others. "I got it," he repeated, triumphantly.

"Got what, shir?" Sam was finding it hard to talk.

The Colonel turned his head her way. "Carter? I got it, Carter."

Daniel grabbed his friend's shoulder and shook him. "Jack," he shouted. "Look at me."

"Daniel," he laughed. Then his eyes closed and he groaned, "Ahhgg, God." Both hands came up to his face and cradled his bloody nose. He, too, began to slur his words as his mouth started to swell. "Dan'l? What happened?"

The younger man tipped his head back and spoke to the sky. "Why do THEY keep asking ME?"

"Who ya talk'n to," asked Jack, puzzled.

"Sam? Daniel?" Dr. Fraiser called from the front of the house, "Where are you?"

"Up here, Janet. On the roof deck."

Dr. Fraiser joined them on the, now very crowded, deck. "What happened?" The doctor looked at Daniel as the one who seemed to be the most coherent.

"I have NO idea. I got here to find them in opposite corners looking like … that." He waved his hands at the two warriors.

One could see Dr. Fraiser visibly change gears as she went from being prepared to treat an overdose victim to treating combat injuries. "Call an ambulance."

"NO! No amb'lance," Sam and Jack chorused.

"You have to go to the Emergency Room. You need x-rays."

Jack was insistent, "Inf'rm'ry. No amb'lance."

Janet replaced Sam's makeshift bandage with a real one and packed Jack's nose with gauze. That at least freed up their hands for the ladder.

Daniel acted as a crutch for the other man, who had to hop to Janet's car. They got the injured parties wrapped in blankets and situated in the back seat for the trip to the base. Daniel drove.

Janet leaned over the seat, still trying to assess her patients' conditions. "Colonel, how many pills did you take?"

"Didn't take any." He was getting accustomed to talking around the fat lip. "Drank two beers, though. I fell asleep waiting for the pills to melt."

"Why didn't you answer me when I called, Sir?" Sam was talking better, too. She continued, mystified, "And your body was COLD."

"I'm still cold, Carter." He pulled a hand from under the blanket and laid icy fingers on her face. "I was out there all night. I was listening to music. You know, with those little earplug thingies on."

Dr. Fraiser faced forward; convinced her friends were in no immediate danger.

"Why, Jack?" Daniel asked the question to which they all wanted an answer, "Why would you try to do something so … stupid?"

Embarrassed, he turned toward to the window. It was a few minutes before he answered, almost inaudibly, "I didn't want to need baby sitters for the rest of my life."

"What?" The other passengers yelled, incredulously.

Jack explained what he overheard in the doctor's office. "And that's why I figured it was better to do what I did. What I was gonna do."

Janet whipped around to kneel on the seat. Reaching back, she grasped his chin and forced him to look her in the eye. "Dr. Velkhir is WRONG, Jack. He's totally, completely wrong. You have to believe me," she exclaimed forcefully.

His hands enfolded her smaller one. "I do, Janet. I do … now. I finally got part of the picture."

He huddled back in the blanket before he continued, "What does every puzzle come with?"

"A box?" Sam guessed.

"Close." He confirmed.

Janet piped up. "A box. With a picture on the lid."

"Ex-act-ly!" Jack tapped the side of his head. "My puzzle didn't come with a picture. I didn't know how to put it together. I couldn't make pieces fit."

Daniel interrupted, "That's what you "got", isn't it?"

"Yes. I don't know how big a picture it is or where it belongs … on the box. But, I know what pieces to look for to fill it in." Jack leaned back in the seat with as big a smile as his split lips would allow. "Those pieces will lead to other pieces and … I'll get most of the puzzle together."

15 September

Janet wants them overnight for observation. Jack's got a broken nose, broken toes, four stitches in his mouth, and bruised ribs. Sam's got a slight concussion, twelve stitches in her forehead, six in her mouth, bruises on her throat and a scrape the full length of her shin. They're both going to have a spectacular set of black eyes.

(Note to self: NEVER surprise Jack when he's sleeping)

Teal'c's off world. Is he in for a surprise when he gets back in the morning.

I offered to replace four lawns, two flower beds, one lamppost, and a small apple tree. I also need a new fender and headlight on my car.

17 September

Yesterday, the 'almost walking wounded' insisted the cookout must go on. They griped that it would be the last one of the season. Janet and I went shopping. Cassie and Teal'c got the house ready. Jack and Sam took naps. Hammond's grand-daughters, Tessa and Kayla, insisted on being 'nurses', at least until the neighborhood kids came over. They all stampeded to the back yard. And went crazy … I think. Then parents started to wander over in search of their kids. We ended up with most of the block there. I'd love to hear the stories going around. Jack and Sam gave everybody a different explanation. All in all, it was quite a blast.

26 September (J O'N)

Daniel gave me this today. He says it's my book. Now that I can read and write I have to keep it up. Reading is easy. Writing is hard. I have to write down things that happen every day. My toes are purple and green and I can't put my shoes on. Sam had to go away for a while. I think I used to go away, too.

28 September

Doctor Day. Dr. Mac isn't so bad, I guess. We talked some more about the stupid thing I tried. I told him why. I don't have to see Dr. V again. Dr. Mac said we can find someone better.

Daniel was staring out the window, contemplating the few snowflakes floating down when he heard the 'thud' of Jack dropping into the kitchen chair. "Well, its about time," he said sarcastically. "I thought you were going to hibernate for the winter."

The other man snarled and growled, completing the image that his brown robe, shaggy hair and three weeks' growth of beard brought to mind. "I was reading till four o'clock this morning. Got any coffee?"

"Sure. You'll have to get it 'to go' though." Daniel put a large travel mug on the table next to his friend. "We've got a little over an hour to get to the Medical Center on base. You're supposed to meet with Dr. Velkhir's replacement this morning?"

"Oh, crap." Jack flopped forward to rest his forehead on his folded arms lying on the table. "I don't wanna. Do we have to?"

"Yes, we have to. No whining. Get cleaned up and let's go."

The older man lifted his head and glared at Daniel, who glared right back.

"Hey, I told you. You act like a kid, you get treated like a kid."

Jack pushed himself to his feet, picked up his coffee and started to shuffle out of the kitchen. As he passed his friend, he punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Snot," he declared affectionately.

Daniel laughed and called down the hall, 'You might want to think about shaving one of these days."

"Not until spring," came the reply.

Dr. 'Izzy' Isyani was as far away from Dr. Velkhir as was possible and still be in the same profession. Dr. Isyani was young, full of ideas, enthusiasm and optimism.

Jack and Daniel arrived at the office with only moments to spare. They were still brushing the snow from their hair when the doctor came out to meet them.

"Colonel O'Neill, sir," he said, rendering a snappy salute. "Captain Isyani. I'm very pleased to meet you, sir."

Reflexively, Jack returned the salute. "Thank you, Captain … Doctor?" He shook the hand outstretched to him.

"Dr. Jackson. I'm pleased to meet you, as well." The doctor pointed to the comfortable chairs in his waiting room. "If you'd like to hang up your coats? Dr. Jackson, would you wait out here? I need to speak to the Colonel first."

Before Jack could protest, he was in the doctor's office and the door was closed.

"Colonel O'Neill, please, have a seat."

"I'm not 'Colonel' any more, I'm just Jack."

"No, sir. With all due respect, sir. That's where you're wrong," said Dr. Isyani, "You are still Colonel Jonathan J. 'Jack' O'Neill. You just don't know exactly who he is right now. That's where I come in."

O'Neill looked at the young man skeptically and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't understand but, if you say so."

The doctor leaned back in his seat. "You say so, too. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. You would be in an institution somewhere, playing with blocks and toy airplanes." He leaned forward to tap a folder on his desk. "You've made excellent progress in the last five months."

"I'm still doing dumb kid stuff. And I don't remember hardly nothing … anything about ME before."

"Let me ask you this." He pointed to Jack. "Did it make you feel like a kid when I called you 'Sir' and saluted?"

"No." Jack thought for a moment before answering, "That was … normal? Something I expected."

"Right. Something 'Colonel O'Neill' expected from a junior officer." Isyani tapped the folder again. "Over half your life has been spent in the Air Force. That's what's most recent and familiar. We're going to work with that and go backward down the chain from now."

"But, Dr. Fraiser and Dr. MacKenzie told me I had to put the puzzle back together," Jack complained, a little confused.

"Why a puzzle?"

"With a puzzle, I can get a picture. Then I find more pieces that fit on the edges."

The doctor nodded in understanding, then proposed, "OK, let's try this. We're going to have different parts of the picture. That way, when you find a piece that doesn't fit one place, it might fit somewhere else."

Jack started to smile. "Yeah. When the parts get big enough, it'll be easier to know where the pieces fit."

Dr. Isyani smiled too. "Exactly right." He bent over the desk and said quietly, "Will you do something for me when you come back on Thursday?"

12 October

I surprised Daniel so good this morning. He spilled some of his coffee on the floor. I wore my uniform today. Not the really cool looking one with all the ribbons and stuff, but the every day one. Dr. Izzy asked me to. I even knew how to put the pins on. I had to shave and get my hair cut. It's a lot longer than before so I can hide the scars. People stare too much.

The guard at the gate let us in right away. He knows us but today he saluted and said, "Colonel, sir." Daniel let me out at the door. He said he would wait in the lobby for me to get done. People still stared, mostly ladies. Dr. Fraiser just kept smiling the whole time I was there. She says I'll always limp a little bit because my toes are funny now. My black eyes are almost gone, just 'greeny'. Gloria showed me the way to Dr. Izzy's office. She says the ladies stared because I was 'dashing'. I have to ask Daniel about that. I wonder if Sam likes 'dashing'?

Dr. Izzy and Dr. Mac want me to go to school. I don't think I'll like it. Teal'c can come with me for the first day, then I have to go alone.

16 October

I started school today. T had to talk to the teachers. I had to do that before, for the boy in the picture. Why can't I remember him? I think I'm afraid to remember him.

20 October

Happy Birthday to me. Teal'c called it my double birthday. He said it was a year ago today that I got hurt. Sam and Daniel are coming over tonight. I get to pick where we go for dinner and the movies we get for after.

I didn't think school would be this hard. I did it once already. I feel sorry for some of the people. They'll never get better. I just have to put together my puzzle. They don't even have the pieces anymore.

26 October

I don't think Sam likes 'dashing'. She started crying and went to her bedroom when I came to the kitchen this morning. On the way to the doctor, I asked Daniel why. He said it was really complicated and I should ask Sam. Dr. Izzy taught me 'hip-no-sis' today. It's a way to help me remember.

There were no cars in the drive when Jack arrived home after school. Andy, one of the teachers who lived a few blocks away, gave him a ride home at night. Now that they didn't have to be with him constantly, Sam, Daniel or Teal'c went into the SGC to work every day.

"Daniel still doesn't have his car back, I see," observed Andy, noticing that the truck was missing.

Jack leaned over the seat to get the small duffel bag that held his uniform. He always changed into a civilian shirt and jacket before arriving at school. "No, not yet," he answered, "When they took it apart to fix the fender, they found something else wrong. Now they're arguing about it."

"Is somebody going to be home soon?" The teacher asked; concerned that one of his charges would be left alone.

The other man leaned back in the open car door. "Sure. Sam should be here in a little bit. She gets real busy and forgets the time sometimes." He pulled a key out of his pocket. "I'll be fine. Thanks, Andy."

Jack made 'shooing' motions at the teacher who continued to sit in the drive even after the front door was unlocked and he was in the house.

A timed light in the living room clicked on as he walked through to the kitchen. A note on the counter told him, "Put the blue dish in the oven and turn it on to 350. I'll be home about 7:00." Jack checked the clock, 5:10. He had time to practice Dr. Izzy's lesson.

Since the doctor told him to be as comfortable as possible, Jack changed into an old plaid flannel shirt, sweatpants and moccasins. Taking three pictures off his 'memory board', he went to sit at the desk in his den. The photographs were laid out carefully, the figures on each getting a feathery fingertip caress. Me, Sara, and … and … the boy. He's the key; I know it. If I can just get this memory loose. The others are trapped behind it.

Awkwardly at first, Jack started the breathing exercises and soon arrived at a smooth rhythm that relaxed his tense muscles. Even though his eyes were closed he could still see the images. Slowly he felt himself slip beneath the skin of the man in the picture.

A shot! Sara and I are outside when we hear the report echo from our bedroom window. We run upstairs and yank open the door. Oh God! Charlie? Charlie! There's so much blood. How can all that come from one little boy? Sara's on the phone calling 911. I kneel down and carefully turn my son over. "A gunshot wound to the right chest," I shout. Sara repeats it to the operator. I'm trying to stop the bleeding but I can't.

There are sirens outside and other people coming upstairs. The medics take Charlie away from me. They look very grim. Sara goes with them in the ambulance. The police won't let me leave yet. They have some questions. Questions about the gun; my gun. My gun that is usually locked up. Except today. Today, because I was in a hurry to give Charlie a new baseball mitt. Today, when I just put it on the very back of the top shelf of the closet, where only I can reach. Unless you're a determined ten year old standing on a wobbly chair.

I get to the hospital in time to have the doctor tell us, "We did everything we could. I'm sorry, your son is dead."

A month later and I still can't believe it. The police ruled it an accidental shooting, but I know better. I can't bear to go into that room. I sit on Charlie's bed all day. I've got the gun back and I'm wondering if he'll be mad at me. If they even let me into heaven, will Charlie want to see me? My finger is tightening on the trigger. A fraction of an inch more, then everything will go away. Just a little more. The flash of the discharge blinds me…

"Jack? Dinner's ready." Sam flipped on the light switch by the door. "Why are you sitting here in the dark?"

Jack jumped up out of the chair, tipping it over. He reeled into the corner with his hands over his face; almost able to feel the powder burns from the gun. Screaming from the psychic pain, the man huddled on the floor, rocking back and forth.

Sam darted across the room and skidded to stop by him. Dropping to her knees, she took his wrists and dragged his hands down. "Jack! Jack! What is it?"

She took his face between her palms, turning him toward the light to see if he was injured. "C'mon, Jack. Talk to me. Are you hurt?"

He started to keen as he rocked faster and faster. "Charlie! He's gone. He's dead and it's my fault," he choked out raggedly. "Charlie. God, he's just a baby. Don't take our baby. Please. Don't … don't."

Sam pulled Jack to her side and let the freshly grief-stricken parent cry out his desolation in the circle of her arms.

It was hours later before she could get O'Neill to respond to anything. Once the tears stopped, he was almost catatonic. He sat with his arms wrapped tightly around his legs; head bowed on his knees, shivering like he was freezing.

Sam tucked a blanket around the forlorn figure of her friend and waited. She was about to call Janet for help when he lifted his head to stare blankly across the room.

"Jack?" The woman tilted his chin up to make him look at her and asked, "Do you hear me, Jack? Can you stand up for me?" She could see his eyes focus as he sluggishly blinked and nodded.

They made their stumbling way across the hall to the bedroom. Leaving him in the bathroom, slowly moving the wet washcloth over his face, Sam found some dry clothes and laid them on the bed.

Jack wandered into the room and stood in the middle of the floor, shivering in clothes more soaked than before. He fumbled at the shirt's buttons for a moment then let his hands drop to hang loosely by his sides.

"Do you want me to help?" Sam spoke soothingly, as though to a scared child. An insolent little sprite piped up in her head, "You finally get to undress him." The rest of her mind squashed it flat.

Jack was cooperative at least and it didn't take long before he was wearing a dry sweat suit and his warm brown robe. He followed Sam into the kitchen and sat at the table, pushing the plate away and leaning his elbows in its place.

She kept up a steady stream of chatter, trying to get some response from the dazed man. "You need to get something hot in you. I don't think coffee is such a good idea. How about one of Teal'c's teas? Do you like this kind?"

A shrug was his only answer before he went back to staring at the tabletop. Five minutes later the sweet scent of the honey-laced mint tea was filling the kitchen. Jack curled his fingers around the heavy mug and tipped his head to take a few deep breaths of the fragrant steam before he began to drink with quick little sips. When it was gone, he pushed the mug toward Sam and barely whispered, "Please."

The second serving was taken into the living room. Jack settled on the couch, leaning back and putting his feet on the coffee table. He rested the warm mug on his chest, keeping it cradled in still trembling fingers.

"Jack," Sam said.

Without moving, he rolled his eyes her way.

"I'm going to clean up the kitchen. Will you be OK here for a while?" she asked, concerned about leaving him with the hot tea precariously balanced.

"Uh-huh," he murmured, sitting up enough to drink some more of the relaxing liquid.

When she came back fifteen minutes later, the mug was almost empty and the man was making wheezing noises as he tried to sleep with his head tipped too far back. Sam winced at the sight of the kink in his neck and gingerly slid a pillow between him and the wall. She took the mug from his slack grip, placing it on the shelf separating the rooms before she sat down. I can't believe it's two in the morning.

Sam barely heard the alarm clocks sounding off and the drumming of rain on the roof lulled her back to sleep without much trouble.

I love this chair. I wonder if I can trade him a new one for this. Sam turned her face and tried to burrow into the cushion. It smells right, but it doesn't feel right. Only then did she realize the cushion was slowly moving and she could hear its heartbeat. Flustered, the woman tried to sit up, disturbing the blanket that had been pulled over her sometime in the night.

A gentle barrier tightened across her shoulders and she could feel the vibrations more than hear the words, "Don't go, Sam."

She opened one eye to see the clock on the wall. Ten o'clock. To hell with it. Hitching herself a little higher on the couch, she snuggled back down.

"You twisted my arm," the woman muttered, draping that appendage over the warm body next to her and floating back to sleep on the smooth rise and fall of her pillow.

"I have no idea what could be wrong, Teal'c," Daniel said as he unlocked Jack's front door. "Sam's cell must have a dead battery. But, they should have answered the house phone by now, we've been leaving messages for the last two hours."

He opened the door about a foot and stuck his head in. "Hello? Sam? Jack? Anybody?"

Teal'c swung the door wide and pushed Daniel in the house. "We will investigate."

They were three steps into the living room before the two men realized that the blanket tossed on the end of the couch had feet. Two sets of feet propped up on the coffee table. It also had two heads. Jack's was resting on top of Sam's, which was lying against his collarbone.

The intruders looked at each other in surprise.

"Hellooooo," Daniel shouted tentatively, not about to approach within arm's reach. "Uh, guys?"

"Go away," answered the sleepy chorus from the couch. A few seconds later both sets of eyes popped open. "Daniel?" "Teal'c?" Their voices overlapped.

"Yes," he confirmed. Gesturing over his shoulder toward the door, he asked, "Do you want us to … uh … go out? And … come back in?"

"That won't be necessary," Sam said, flinging the blanket off to show that they were both fully dressed. "We fell asleep, that's all."

She slid away from Jack, pulling her arm out from behind him and dropping her feet to the floor. After quickly folding the blanket, she laid it on the back of the couch and went toward the kitchen. "Do you guys want some coffee?"

"Sure," Jack answered, standing up. He collapsed back to his seat and hastily pulled his head between his knees. "Oh, crap," he groaned.

Teal'c knelt down next to him. "What is wrong, O'Neill?"

"No food, no pills," was the indistinct reply.

"Damn," exclaimed Carter, checking the clock. "It's one o'clock, Sir. You've missed three sets."

"Daniel," she ordered, pouring a glass of orange juice and handing it to him, "Give him any of the morning and noon ones he can take on an empty stomach."

She continued in a low tone, "And call Janet. See if we have to double the seizure meds, it's been over twenty-four hours since he's had any."

Daniel came back from the bedroom to find them both eating peanut butter toast and drinking coffee. At Sam's questioning look, he shook his head 'no'.

"So," Jack said as he saw this exchange, "Fraiser doesn't think I'm going to start foaming at the mouth, curl up and blow away, does she?"

"No, but she is going to stop by later and check you over just to be safe."

"Wonderful," he observed ruefully. He stood slowly, as if checking his balance before starting to walk. "Carter, tell 'em what happened, would you?"

"O'Neill, what is it you require?" Teal'c also rose and stepped in front of the other man to stop him.

"T, what I need right now, no one can get for me." He sidestepped the Jaffa and made his wavering way down the hall, one hand against the wall for safekeeping. "I'm fine."

"We'll listen for the thud," Daniel called encouragingly.

27 October

Sam and I made a special visit to Dr. Mac and Dr. Izzy today. Dr. Mac talked to me about Charlie and what happened to him. It still hurts like hell, but I lived through it before and I can do it again. Dr. Izzy showed me how to not remember quite so hard. He made me practice with him. This way works better.

2 November

I was right. Fighting to not remember Charlie was keeping other stuff locked up. I have some of the good things about 'before' back. Things about Sara and Charlie, fun things. I saw Sara outside the store today. I told her I remembered. She hugged me and we talked about Charlie and cried a little. I think that's why she doesn't come over.

3 November

This is very confusing. I remember things from before Charlie … died … and from after. Baseball games, hockey games, fishing, him being born. Then I know what happened after. How I didn't care if I came home from Abydos. Daniel and another boy made me care. I can see the other boy, but I don't know him. Something bad happened to him, too. Why do bad things happen to people I care about?

5 November

Skaara – his name is Skaara. He's Sha're's brother. Daniel's brother-in-law. I know why I know Daniel, and Sam and Teal'c. We work together. We used to, at least. I don't have all of it. Where are Sha're and Skaara? I'll get it sometime, I know.

24 November

School starts its Thanksgiving break tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be coming here much longer. I end up helping the teachers more and more. They seem to appreciate it and it makes me feel good. My friend, Jim, started talking today. I saw Dr. Izzy this morning and, since I always wear my uniform when I come to the base, I was still wearing it when I got to school. I wanted to get there early because we were having a party and I was helping. Jim saw me changing my shirt. He stood up, saluted and called me 'Colonel'. That's the first thing he's said in a year. Jim was a fighter pilot until his plane was shot down. He only wants to talk to me right now, but he's finally talking. Did S, D & T feel like this when I started talking again?

(I knew I was making a mistake learning to read again. I keep getting stuck with grocery shopping.)

22 December

I won't be going back to the 'special' school in January. Well, I will. But only to say goodbye. Izzy wants me to start … High School … again. I don't think I liked it much the first time. At least this trip, I won't be distracted by going out for sports or chasing girls. We had to laugh when I brought up the fact that I'm older than the teachers. Izzy says this is more to refresh my memory than teach me this stuff. I'm picking up my 'puzzle pieces' faster and faster. This will give me a place to put them.

4 January

Alone at last, almost. Daniel is the last 'baby sitter' I'm going to have. When we're done at the doctor today, he's going home. I have to catch the bus to High School on Monday. I'm going to get arrested as a child stalker if I wait at the damn bus stop. As it was Daniel and I had to go to school Wednesday so I could introduce myself to the staff and bus drivers. How embarrassing. I really want my driver's license back.

10 January

I'm finding I miss the company of my 'baby sitters'. It's almost too quiet here. I have to start setting two alarm clocks again. Have you ever tried to be nonchalant walking up to a school bus that's waiting for you? I'm glad these are kids I knew before. They only razzed me a little.

9 February

I've got my license back!!! I skipped school (old habits die hard), and got Jeanette, Billy's mother, to take me to the Testing station. Passed it on the first try. The damn thing expired the year before last, otherwise I wouldn't have needed to re-test. That was probably on my 'things to do' list the day we came back.

Halfway up the mountain road to the SGC, Jack pulled off into an emergency stopping area. Not because he had car trouble, but because he knew that there was a path leading to an overlook with the most breathtaking view. He tucked the truck as far out of the way as possible and left a note on the window just in case the police came by. It was a sparkling clear night, so cold he could hear the snow creak as he walked the trail. At the end, he leaned against the rock that, in warmer weather, was used as a bench. The mountain towns, with their spill of lights, flowed down into the valleys to make a glowing pool of humanity. But, Jack's eyes were on the sky. The wash of the Milky Way, the faint gleam of the Orion Nebula, and the thousands of other stars to which he would never travel.

How many of those have I visited? I'll have to ask Carter. I only remember about thirty. There has to be a lot more in all these years. I wonder if Hammond will let me read my mission reports. Do I still have clearance to read my own reports? Damn, do I have clearance to get in the Mountain without an escort? I've had a baby sitter for so long.

Jack pulled out his newly issued driver's license and read the statistics. Height: 6'2", weight: 190 lbs, eyes: brown, hair: gray.

He sighed. "A sure sign you're getting old, fella. The DMV lists your hair as 'gray'. At least you still have hair," he said, running a hand through it and feeling the narrow tracks of the scars on his scalp.

Hell, you old bastard, you should be grateful you're able to complain about gray hair. If it weren't for your friends not giving up, you'd be stringing beads on shoelaces and eating Froot Loops with your fingers. How many people can say they have "parents" younger than they are?

Jack could feel his eyelashes start to ice up. "Oh, for crying out loud. Stop it," he ordered. "Grown men don't cry. Get your ass in gear before you're late and end up chasing Daniel back down the mountain." He started back to the truck.

Grown men don't cry. I've come a long way since I looked in the mirror that night and tried to convince myself. Close to a third of my life is back. I'll get the rest, sooner or later. Some pieces are probably better off left face down. If they turn over, I'll deal with them. Somehow I think I'll sleep better at night, not knowing the details. What's on the edges of those 'pictures' is bad enough.

2 March

George pulled some strings and got my clearances back. It ruined my surprise when I had to get an escort into the SGC. The gate guard reported to the General that I was on the way down. SOP. I wanted to stroll in and see how long it took for folks to realize I was there without having to get a ride. I never realized I knew that many people here. I couldn't put names to all of them. Nothing new, I couldn't do that before. Just being there, in the SGC, flipped over quite a few pieces of the puzzle. I'm staying in VIP quarters this weekend, reading reports. SG-1 is supposed to be back later today. I'm going to meet them in the Gateroom.

5 March

I got promoted today. I'm a Junior in High school. Woo-hoo. This is so odd. Some of these kids were on Charlie's little league team. Now we're classmates. I was asked to the Spring Fling … as a chaperone. They did tell me I could bring a date from 'outside' though. I can't imagine Sam at a high school dance.

24 March

My foot is killing me, but last night was worth every twinge. I wish I had that much fun at a dance when I was in high school. Although what passes for dancing now ... wow. They didn't have a live band, so I took some CD's from home. By the end of the night, we were giving dance lessons to the kids.

18 May

I was looking forward today to going to the Medical Center on base and rubbing Dr. Velkhir's nose in his mistaken prognosis. I couldn't help it; I wore my Dress Blues with all the fruit salad. I gave him a copy of my 'new' High School Diploma and I thought the crabby old bastard was going to cry as he put two and two together. He actually got up and hugged me. We spent the whole hour talking. As it turns out, he's getting ready to retire. He told me that my case was the last straw. That's when he decided that he couldn't take dealing with some of the Air Force's best officers coming to him with their minds 'melted down'. When Mac told him what happened that afternoon, he quit taking new patients. Izzy ended up with quite a few including Jim, my friend from school. Al wants me to let him know when I get my college degree.

"Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong." The front doorbell went crazy.

"Oh for crying out loud, I'm coming, I'm coming already," Jack shouted as he dropped the handful of papers on the kitchen table. His portable safe was sitting on a chair and its contents were arranged in small piles around the room.

"Ding-do…grk." The bell died a painful death as he flung open the door to find Teal'c holding the ripped out push button.

"It seems to have malfunctioned, O'Neill," he said, handing it delicately to Jack by the single wire.

"Ya think?" He looked in the hole to see half the wiring intact.

"Sorry, Jack. It stuck when I held it down." Daniel admitted sheepishly.

"You do know, most people push these things … once?" They all stepped in the house.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew we were here. After all, the last time we walked in unannounced…"

Jack swung around and threw his hands in the air. "You're never going to let us forget that, are you?"

Daniel looked to be in deep thought for a moment before answering brightly, "Um …nope. Not at all. Got any coffee?"

"Blackmailer. Over there." Jack began to hastily rearrange the stacks of papers. He wasn't fast enough.

The black leather presentation books caught Teal'c's eye. He picked one up and flipped it open. "What are these, O'Neill?"

"Don't read … that." He made a futile grab for the book.

"You are a Master of Astronomy? How can one master the stars?"

"A Masters?" Daniel swept the other folders out from under his friend's hands. "A Bachelors in Astronomy; to go with the Masters of course. What else have you been hiding?"

After a cursory knock, Sam breezed in the door. "Sir, do you know that your doorbell…?"

She stopped in astonishment to see Jack and Daniel dodging from side to side around the kitchen table. "What the heck?"

"Jack's got college degrees he doesn't want us to see." His foot slipped on a loose paper and his opponent caught him by the collar and wound an arm around his neck. "Gagh, gagh. He's killing me," Daniel wheezed.

Sam and Teal'c looked on in amusement as the other two carried on.

Daniel, still clutching the presentation folders to his chest, gave one last theatrical gasp and let his knees buckle.

Jack unconcernedly dropped the other man to the floor. "You want some coffee, Carter?"

"Sure," she answered, stepping over the body to get a coffee cup.

"I'll take one, too." Daniel sat up and started reading the certificates, laying them on the floor when he was done. "Bachelors in History. Bachelors in Aeronautical Engineering. Oh, a Masters in History, too. Bachelors in Anthropology? Really?"

He hefted the last one, bigger than the rest. "And did I hit the jackpot with this one? Yes. It's a Ph.D. in … Military History and Tactics. From the War College, no less."

Standing up, he clicked his heels and executed a textbook salute. "Colonel Doctor O'Neill, sir. Permission to drink your coffee, sir?"

Jack ignored him and poured Sam a cup. "I have some donuts here someplace, if you want one."

Walking around the statue in his kitchen, Jack told him, "You don't have to salute unless we're in uniform."

'Oh. Well, in that case." Daniel strolled to the counter for his coffee and donut.

"So, why the act? Oops, sorry." The blob of jelly was quickly wiped from the floor.

"Oh come on, Daniel. You had to have guessed something. I didn't get this far because I look good in the uniform. Carter knew," he paused, "that I had a degree or two. It's a matter of record. Or didn't you check, Carter?"

"Uh, I missed the Aeronautical Engineering and Anthropology. I only searched for advanced degrees."

"Back to my original question," Daniel persisted, "Why the act?"

Jack collected the folders and put them on the counter. "It was your jobs to take care of the science. It was my job to concentrate on getting our asses back home in one piece. If I was doing," he did the finger moves that signified quotation marks, "science stuff … I wasn't fulfilling my primary responsibility. Carter understands."

"Oh. Yes, sir." She smiled ruefully and patted her own shoulder. "It's a whole different ball game when the buck stops here."

"Indeed. A commander cannot pursue his own interests at the expense of his subordinates well being."

All the while, Jack was gathering his documents and replacing most of them in the safe.

Still curious, Daniel asked, "Why are you going through your strongbox at 8:00am on a Friday morning? I thought we were leaving for Minnesota?"

"You got here on time. I didn't expect to still be doing this when you did get here." He bundled up the certificates and some other papers and put them on top of every thing else. The safe's door clanked shut and Jack spun the dial to lock it.

"The Academy needs some of my records," he explained.

"Don't they have your records already? You must have graduated," Daniel asked, confused.

"I never attended the Air Force Academy. Lowly enlisted men can qualify for OTS, you know. Officer Training School. The degrees are from civilian colleges." He picked up the safe and carried it to the den.

"Why do they need your records, sir?" They all followed him.

"I can't very well go to the administration of the University of Colorado and explain any of this, can I? I'm trying to work out a deal with the Commandant to let me take the classes I need to re-qualify for my degrees. It'll keep me busy after I retire." Jack stepped into his bedroom and slung his already packed duffel bag over his shoulder. "We ready to go?"

10 August

I met with the Commandant today. I'm set to start classes on Monday. He did insist on one condition; I have to wear a cadet uniform. The cadets and some of the instructors would be too distracted by a senior Colonel in their classes. Since it's QUITE obvious I'm the wrong age for a cadet, they're going to be distracted for a while anyway.

13 August

I've been there one day and got gigged. I didn't salute a Captain out on the Commons. I'll give him credit, he didn't back down when I turned around and he realized I wasn't one of the run-of-the-mill cadets. The expression on his face, priceless. But, since he had an audience by then, he had to put me on report. It's been a while since I had to stand at 'Attention' for that long.

31 August

It's official. Tomorrow I'll be a retired Colonel. And this time they CANNOT re-activate me. It's a medical retirement. I'll be subject to seizures for the rest of my life, thanks to that damn outlaw Jaffa and his zat. What really pisses me off; I'll never be able to fly again. I'm going to work on the Flight Surgeon to give me clearance to fly second seat once in a while.

They're planning a retirement ceremony at the SGC tonight. I would have preferred a barbecue but, Hammond let me in on a secret the other day. Carter's getting promoted. I can't miss that.

Major Carter paced around her quarters, nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. She was waiting until the very last minute to go to the Gateroom where the Colonel's retirement ceremony was being held. Only General Hammond and her knew what was going to happen tonight. She was petrified that if she saw SG-1 or worse, Jack, she would spill the beans. Already Daniel, Janet, Teal'c and Jack had knocked on her door, only to leave disappointed because she didn't answer.

Sam looked at her watch, took a deep breath and blew it out in one long exhale, trying to lose some of the tension. She eyed her shaking hands. "Well, that didn't work. It'll all be over soon. You can do it, Major."

Briskly walking to the Gateroom, she arrived with a minute to spare.

Daniel gave her a sidelong glance as she slipped into her place next to Colonel O'Neill, but didn't have time for a comment.

General Hammond stepped behind the podium and began speaking. "We are gathered here this evening to honor one of our own. Colonel Jack O'Neill has had a long and exemplary career in the service of the United States Air Force and, more importantly, the service of his country. He has seen action in most of the major terrestrial conflicts of our time and in this, the most critical conflict in which the human race has ever been engaged. He was involved in the Stargate project from the beginning and in the creation of the Stargate Command. He and the rest of SG-1 have played vital roles in many of our greatest victories. It is with great professional, and heartfelt personal, respect and regret that I wish him," he turned to face Jack and held out his hand, "Happy Retirement."

O'Neill, looking a little overwhelmed, shook the General's hand. Muttering, "Screw protocol," he pulled George into a warm embrace.

The General stayed behind the podium as Jack started over to give his speech. "Not yet, Colonel. There's one more thing,"

"Attention!" He reached down and picked up the small box sitting on the shelf. "Major, if you please?"

Carter took the box as Hammond began to speak again. "By order of the President of the United States, from the Chief-of-Staff of the United States Air Force, in recognition of Colonel O'Neill's outstanding career, I hereby authorize his immediate promotion to the rank of Brigadier General."

Jack looked totally dumbfounded as he stepped forward. General Hammond on one side and Major Carter on the other removed the eagles from his shoulders and replaced them with a star.

Hammond continued as they were working, "The United States Air Force has recognized that you have fulfilled the tasks and duties well beyond the responsibilities of the rank of Colonel. It is with very great pleasure that I bestow upon you the responsibilities, respect and the rank of Brigadier General."

The whole room erupted in applause and cheers.

"Congratulations, Jack. General." Hammond shook his hand again and they saluted each other.

Carter was grinning so widely you'd think her face would split. "Gotcha … General," she shook his hand and saluted.

Daniel gave him a hug and even Teal'c unbent enough to embrace his friend.

The room quieted down as, now, General O'Neill stepped up to the podium. "I'm going to get you," he promised, looking at the beaming members of SG-1.

"I'm normally a man of few words, and … those few words have flown the coop." His audience tried to stifle their laughter as he kept going. "I don't recall a single bit of the speech I was going to make. I will tell you that it has been a high honor and privilege to serve with each and every one of you. Thank you."

"I do have one last, very pleasant, duty to perform." The eagles from his uniform were on the podium. Picking them up, he bounced them lightly in his hand. "Attention! From the Vice Chief-of-Staff of the United States Air Force, in recognition of Major Carter's outstanding service, I hereby authorize her immediate promotion to the rank of Colonel."

Jack gestured to the place by his side, "Major, please step forward."

Daniel had to poke her in the ribs before she moved. "Go on, they're waiting."

When she did, the two Generals began to remove the oak leaves on her shoulders as Jack finished the announcement. "The United States Air Force has recognized that you have fulfilled the tasks and duties beyond the responsibilities of the rank of Major. It is with very great pleasure that I bestow upon you the responsibilities, respect and the rank of Colonel." They pinned Jack's old eagles onto her uniform.

She shook Hammond's hand, then saluted. "Thank you, sir."

Jack chuckled, "Gotcha … Colonel." They shook hands and saluted. Before she could leave, he said," Screw protocol. I'm retired," and swept her into a bear hug.

As the rest of the SGC applauded and cheered, Daniel and Teal'c joined them in the hug.

5 September

Carter had to go to her brother's this weekend. They took advantage of the long weekend to have a family get together to celebrate her niece's thirteenth birthday. I was hoping to talk to her before she left but, she had a crack-of-dawn flight and I missed her. We're all supposed to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate. Her promotion; my retirement. I asked Daniel and Teal'c to be here about 6:00. Sam's coming over around 4:00.

Jack's classes were done for the day at noon. Singing along to the music on the radio, he changed clothes and started repairing his ripped out doorbell.

Two hours later, after having to fish new wiring down from the attic, he put the finishing touch on his project. As he was bending over to pick up his tools, he felt the warning twinge of a headache coming on.

"Damn, not again. I don't need this today." This was the sixth headache he'd had in the last two weeks. Stress. It's got to be stress. The pain faded as he continued to clean up, putting the tools in the garage and sweeping the porch. Going back into the house, he checked his watch. 3:15 - more than enough time to get cleaned up.

As Jack pulled off his filthy tee shirt, the ache at the back of his neck started again. It only got worse when he leaned over to take off his boots. Shirtless and barefoot, he went into the bathroom. Pouring three tablets in his hand, he popped them in his mouth and swallowed them dry.

The phone started ringing and it took him a minute to remember that the handset was in the kitchen. He caught his shoulder on the door jam on his way to the hall and grumbled, "Why is it so dark in here?"

Jack was three steps along the hallway when the dizziness struck. Slapping his hands against the opposite walls, he tried to hold himself steady. His palms slowly slid down the plaster as his suddenly wobbly legs refused to support him. Balanced on his hands and knees on the floor, the man fought to stay conscious as the tremors of a seizure began to shake his body. Oh crap! I haven't had one of these in a year. Please, don't do this. Not today.

A white-hot burst of pain exploded at the base of his skull and enveloped him in agony. His arms buckled and he fell; half on his side with his face pressed against the rough carpet. The fire in his head began to fade but he couldn't move. Jack could taste the blood in his mouth and feel the scratchy texture of the rug against his face and chest, but even those small discomforts soon surrendered to the encroaching darkness.

It was almost five o'clock when Colonel Carter paid off the taxi in O'Neill's driveway. She'd tried calling Jack to tell him her flight out of Edwards AFB was delayed by an hour, but got no answer. When the plane landed, she was forty-five minutes late to meet him already and went straight to his house. He could give her a ride home after dinner. Or not. She shivered in anticipation of that option.

She paused a moment to rub the cuffs of her rumpled jacket over the silver eagles on her shoulders. I wouldn't want him to think I wasn't taking care of them. Picking up her bag, the woman went to ring the doorbell. Laughing, she read the small placard out loud, "Push button ONCE, release. Do not repeat."

She rang the bell, once, as ordered. There was no answer. She knocked. Still no answer. Finally she tried the door and, finding it open, Sam came into the entry and dropped her bag to the floor. "Jack? You here? It's Sam," she called loudly. Only silence answered.

Walking through the kitchen, she checked the back deck then walked over to the ladder leading to the stargazing platform. The woman climbed far enough to see that it was unoccupied as well. Where the hell can he be? The truck is still here.

Sam re-entered the house, closing the front door behind her. This time, as she went toward the kitchen, she glanced down the hall. The ghostly splotch in the dim hallway captured her gaze. Horrified, the woman picked out the gleam of Jack's silver hair and pale form silhouetted against the dark carpet.

Collapsing to her knees next to him, she reached out and touched his shoulder, lightly shaking him. "Jack?" Her voice quivered apprehensively.

"Jack," she shouted, pulling at his arm. The woman started shuddering with dread as she gingerly rolled him over to lie motionless against her legs. "Jaaackk!" she wailed, "No. God, don't do this."

She lovingly touched his face, her fingers tracing the blood that had run from his ears and nose to trail along his jaw and across his mouth. Futilely she tried to wipe it away, but it was already dry. She whispered, "Don't do this, please. Not now."

Still too numb to cry, Sam tugged Jack's body onto her lap, staring into his half open eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes. Eyes that could be hard as coal or as soft and sweet as warm melted chocolate. They would never make her melt again.

Grabbing a fistful of his hair, she pulled her face down to rest against his. It was the taste of his blood on her mouth when she kissed his cold lips that burst the dam holding back her grief.

Sam sat in the dark hallway, hugging Jack's silent form tightly, trying vainly to keep him warm and with her. Her tears washed the blood from his face as she sobbed and cursed a god who could deliver such a cruel blow.

When Daniel and Teal'c arrived, Sam was still sitting there, nothing left to cry, her pale blue uniform shirt stained rusty red, her cheek resting against the top of Jack's head.

Teal'c's Jaffa reserve finally cracked. His face glistened with his soundless sorrow as he knelt and tenderly cupped Jack's head in his strong hand.

Daniel sat on the floor in front of the others. Leaning over, he put his arms around them and added his tears to the cleansing. He fought so hard. They came so close. It's not fair.

SG-1 sat into the night mourning their loss. Their comrade, their friend, their brother.

Finis

Created on 1/25/2006 16:48:00 a1/p1

© 2004 Jynjyr (Kay E. Kucharik)