Title: Take the Things I Cannot Give
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Jason/Peter
Warnings: cursing, fading to black, sap
Disclaimer: I do not own anything you see in this fic, so please do not sue!
Beta: The incredibly amazing, prosopopeya from livejournal

Other: This fic was done by request for novelized (from lj) under the prompt faith. It's also loosely based on the song "Wish I Were You" by Patty Smith. If you would like to see the awesome version with actual letters and envelopes, please visit .com/bare_#cutid1. Just change the "x" to "t".

Take the Things I Cannot Give

Jason hid inside his coat, hurrying home from the grocery. The autumn wind was biting, and the leaves were filtering down from the trees. He began to turn onto the street leading to his house, but paused with a shiver. The letter. Fuck, the letter!

He sat down on a nearby bench, and sorted through his pockets. The letter was there, thank God. Uneasiness crept into his stomach, but he tried to ignore it. He had said what he meant to, and Peter needed to read this. Peter needed to know. Jason didn't need to shy away from what he needed to say. That sort of thing is what got him into this mess in the first place.

And, God, what a mess it was. He was supposed to go to Notre Dame, play ball, and graduate number one in his class. As it were, he had two jobs, visited Ivy and the kid on the weekends, and attended a group therapy because Ivy and his bosses said so.

After Jason woke up from his coma, his parents just stared at him. His father started to yell, but his mother stopped him, and simply said with tears in her eyes, "We don't know you anymore, Jason." His father hasn't said a word to him since, but his mother called him every other week. She wanted him to go to college, but it wasn't possible with a kid and two jobs.

Jason sighed, and shook his head as he finished the walk up to the post office. He slid his letter to Peter into the blue box on the curb, and turned around, bags in hand, to walk home again.

Jason put his and Ivy's groceries on the table, and took a seat by the small room heater in the living room. He rubbed his hands together, and took a look at her. Ivy really was rather beautiful, but... well, he still didn't know what the "but" was. Something was wrong with him.

"Thanks for getting the groceries," Ivy says without even looking at him.

"Yeah," Jason answers. "It's fucking freezing out there."

Ivy finishes her quick search through the bags, and her head snaps up. "Jason! I can't believe it. You forgot to get the baby powder for Preston! I told you to get that!"

"What? Oh shit." God, so this was his lot in life.

***

Peter laughed good-naturedly with his friend as he fiddled with his keys in front of his post box. "Wow, we've got to do that again. Say, 'hi' to Natalie for me!"

"Definitely, Peter. See you soon," his friend replied, walking away with his hand raised.

Peter's smile stayed as he turned the key in the lock. He took his mail out and headed back into his dorm. He plopped on his bed and started sorting through the mail. Bill, bill, a post card from Nana, overdue bill, and... His eyes stared at the envelope.

The envelope said it was from Jason, but Peter knew he had to be reading it wrong. Why on earth would Jason try to talk to him now? Peter's mother had called him when Jason woke up from the coma, and at the time, the urge to round up enough money to catch a flight to New Jersey and run into Jason's room to see him had been overwhelming. However, the fact was Peter didn't have the money, he had no desire to go back to Pennsauken where he was the scandal of the decade, and Jason had his own life. Peter had to move on, and he was okay with that. He'd been doing it since Jason and he had first broken up.

After re-reading the name and address several times Peter concluded that it had to be from Jason; the envelope had a different address, but the handwriting was definitely Jason's. It had been awhile since he had seen the neat, minuscule script. A long time ago, his heart used to race every time he saw it. Peter refused to admit to himself that his heart was racing now. Maybe Jason had found something of Peter's, and decided to ask if Peter wanted it back or if Jason could sell/burn it. That had to be it. Or maybe the note was to let Peter know he was to be sued for psychological damage. Actually, that was much more likely. Shit. Peter slowly opened the envelope praying that he must have forgotten something.

Dear Peter,
Hi. It's been awhile hasn't it? There's a lot I need to say, but at the same time I have no idea what to say to you.

Let's start with I'm sorry for how I acted. I know that I was a total jerk, and I know that you deserve a lot more than I what I gave to you. I'm also sorry about how I must've hurt you in the last few days of school. I am aware that you will probably never speak to me again. I deserve that.

I want to let you know that I am okay. You would call it a miracle, had you been there. I just woke up one day, and after some physical therapy I was perfectly normal. One of the nurses told me when I woke up that God must have a plan for me because I should've died, or at least come out of this much worse. If that's true, I knew that I needed to talk to you, to let you know.

Look, Peter, I have always loved you. That wasn't a lie. I STILL love you. I knew when I saw you that you would make my life better, that you would make me better. Unfortunately, I forgot it somewhere along the way. Please, if nothing else, forgive me for that. I should never have let you go. Ever. Even if it's wrong and even if it wasn't in my plan. There's a country song that says, "She's not what I was looking for, she's more." or something similar. I totally agree.

Dear God, look at me. I'm quoting a COUNTRY song. See what you do to me? Country songs and sap. I swear, Peter. But it's all true. You're more than I ever deserved. I miss you.

Everyday I think about you, and I wish I could talk to you. So, please let me at least know that you got this. I would've just e-mailed this, but I know how you love "real" correspondence. I'll be waiting for you letter.

Wishing you the best,
Love you,

Jason

When Peter finished reading he was astonished. This sort of letter was the thing of fairy tales. Since everything happened Peter's feelings has been all over the place. Grief, anger, confusion... A whole town blamed him for Jason's OD, his mother was still pushing for him to join a Catholic Counseling program, for a while they thought Jason was pretty much dead or worse – a vegetable – and then Jason was okay but Peter was still alone and all to blame but he loved Jason... What an insane situation. And now Jason was saying sorry and that he loved Peter? How was he supposed to react to this? That, certainly, wasn't in any of the self-help books in Oprah's Book Club. Peter didn't know anyone he could to turn to that would know the answer, or want to help. It looked like he was on his own again.

All he was sure of was that the enthusiastic letter forming in his mind was not the answer.

***

Jason wiped at the mushed squash that had been flung onto his shirt. Thank God he had finally learned to wear crappy shirts when he visited his son. Preston crookedly grinned at his father, pointing at the mess he was doubtlessly proud of.

"Watch it, kid," Jason told Preston, smiling affectionately.

"You messy! Uh oh!" Preston whispered, then sang out, "Baaaath time!"

"For you!" Jason replied, trying to sneak some food into Preston.

Ivy walked into the room and rolled her eyes. "I can't trust either of you for a minute." The two boys pointed to each other, and she let out a sigh. "Whatever. Jason, clean this up after his bath. I'm going out."

Jason looked Ivy up and down. Oh, she was dressed up. "Where are you going?"

"I have a date," Ivy stated, as she played with her hair and looked at her reflection. "Someone out there actually likes me."

"I love you, Mommy!" Preston shouts, dodging Jason's attempt at feeding him.

Ivy sent him a quick grin. "Mommy loves you, too." Her eyes went back to the mirror. "Jason?"

"Yes?"

"How are you?"

Jason stared at her for a moment, unsure of where this was going. "Okay?"

"Okay? That's all?"

He hesitated. "Um, yeah."

"Not jealous?" she asked, looking back into his face that was just registering that it was this conversation again.

"Ivy, you know that if I could—"

"It doesn't matter," she interrupted, going over to give Preston a small kiss on the top of his head. "Bye, baby. Mommy's going to go see a friend."

"I wanna go!" Preston said, struggling to get out of his high chair.

"No, this is an adult friend."

Jason prepared for a second before the fit hit, and he jumped into action or, in this case, inaction. He looked out the window watching Ivy walk to the car to go off with her 'adult friend' that in the right world wouldn't have to exist because he would love her.

Or was this the right world? Peter sure seemed right. God, this was confusing, and now was not the time. Preston was having a tantrum. Jason sighed and resigned himself to another sleepless night.

***

Peter deliberated all night, trying to decide what to do. First off, Jason and him couldn't really date anyway. Jason was in New Jersey and he, Peter, was in Berkeley. The separation would kill him, if he knew that in another world Jason would have him in his arms. Not to mention that the scandal would just worsen, and possibly hinder Jason. Bad move. But then, Peter truly loved Jason, and there wasn't much he could do about it. He lived without Jason pretty well, but nothing would ever change his feelings, no matter how irrational they were. But then, Peter had sworn to Jason that he would never go back, that he would move on. Peter supposed he had, but faced with the question... he wanted to be Jason's. Jason would always be his hero, his knight in shining armor, and if he could get up to New Jersey for holidays, or if Jason could find a way to go to Berkeley, too... Peter's thoughts looped, and he finally decided to simply not decide. He would just tell Jason his concerns.

***

Jason sighed as he parked in front of his apartment building. Work had been hell, and all he wanted to do was get the mail, grab a bite to eat, and go to bed.

He browsed through his mail on the way up to his apartment. His eyes shot wide open and he stared when he saw Peter had actually responded to him.

He rushed into his apartment to read whatever it was Peter had to say to him. He wasn't going to speculate beforehand.

Dear Jason,

I was thrilled to see your letter. I wasn't sure you'd ever talk to me again. However, I don't know what I can tell you.

I'm in California. You're in New Jersey. You have a kid. We ended. I won't hide who I am (I'm even going to the Pride Parade this year!). I know you know all of this, but it's there, and I'm not sure if there's much we can do about it.

It is amazing how well you are. You should know that God has a plan for you. How could he not? I'm relieved that you are doing so well. I was very worried.

Also know that I have forgiven you. I just worry that you might try it again, and I know that would kill your kid and everyone else who has ever met you. Everyone needs you, you know.

Thank you for remembering how I love letters. Snail mail is a good thing. I miss you. Give me a call. My number is on the back.

Love,

Peter

Through all the "no this can't work" he heard from Peter, he was definitely hearing a maybe. Peter still cared, he was sure of it now. And of course he did. He was Peter, and Peter ialways/i cared. Why had he ever doubted that?

Give Peter a call. The thought was appealing. When was the last time he'd heard his Peter's voice? It'd been close to a year, he was sure.

Jason launched for the phone, and quickly dialed the number. He breathed an expletive when he hit the wrong number, cleared it, and finished it. His life depended on how quickly he could get this call in.

"Hello?" Peter's familiar voice inquired after the third ring.

"Hi, Peter," Jason said, smiling.

"Jason! Hi! I was wondering when you'd get my letter, and I was so hoping that you would call me immediately. You must've because I only sent the letter on Tuesday, and I'm so glad you called! I just got off work, and I'm driving home. Work sucked because people are too fucking picky, but, wow, how are you?" Peter said in one breath. Jason laughed at Peter's eagerness and enthusiasm. God, he was in love all over again.

"I'm good. I just got off work too. I'm exhausted. It's good to hear your voice. Where do you work?"

"Olive Garden, ugh. It sucks. But, like I said, I'm so glad you called, Jason," Peter was talking too fast again, but it wasn't annoying Jason like it used to, yet.

"Cool. You know, I really miss you, Peter."

Peter hesitated, "Yeah. It's been strange not being able to talk to you. Tell me about your kid." He abruptly changed the subject. Peter wasn't ready to discuss them already.

"Oh, he's a crazy one. His name is Preston. He lives for Toy Story and The Lion King. I can't even count how many times I've watched those movies."

"Aw, that's cute."

"He is pretty cute. You know, we'd make a beautiful family." Fuck. Jason wondered why the hell he just said that. Let's freak Peter out, shall we?

"Would we?" Peter asked seriously.

"I think we would," Jason whispered.

"I don't know, Jay..."

"Peter, look, I fucked up, okay? I'm sorry! Come back home."

Peter grimaced. "You know I can't just come back home. I'm at school. It'd cost my life to get a round trip ticket."

Jason put his face in his palm and then rubbed his temple. "I miss you. I need you back. Have faith in me."

Peter inhaled deeply. "Jason, I-I-I just don't know. I can move on."

"Maybe you should just move back," Jason muttered under his breath.

"But I miss you, and I love you – I've always loved you. I still do."

Jason took a breath. "When are you coming home to see your mother next?"

"Next Christmas," Peter answered.

"Okay. Okay," Jason said, pacing, thinking. "Well, we could keep in touch. Talk on the phone, e-mail, whatever. I can prove to you I'm trustworthy."

"Jason!" Peter started. "It isn't really that—"

"No, you need to know you can trust me. We can build this back up. We can still make it back together, I know it."

Peter felt like crying. After everything his hero was still willing to go to the ends of the earth for him? He was over-filled with joy, a little confused, and just... this was all happening so quickly. "Why? Why are you doing this?"

"I just want you. I don't even want to think about anyone else."

Peter whispered, "I love you."

"I love you, too, Peter."

***

Peter was laying on his mother's couch that next Christmas, cuddled into his big knit sweater, carefully enjoying the last little bit of hot cocoa. The TV was off, but the fire was going. Peter looked over at the Christmas tree and smiled. He adored Christmas, the traditional Christmas. There was a reason it was considered the best time of year.

But this Christmas was more than Christmas. He was going to be seeing Jason for the first time since May his senior year. Peter was about to explode with joy.

There was suddenly a knock at the door. Peter jumped off the couch and raced for the door, praying his mother hadn't heard. She knew Jason was coming, but Peter wanted to be left alone with him.

"Hi!" he said, swinging the door wide open. Jason looked tired and a bit skinnier, but Peter thought that Jason looked just as studly as always.

Jason's greeting got lost as he threw his arms around Peter. They hugged tightly, and Jason placed a kiss on top of Peter's head. Peter looked up, joy glinting in his eyes.

"I was wondering when you would get here."

"I could say the same," Jason said, arm around Peter's waist, walking into Peter's house. "Preston wants to meet you tomorrow. Are you willing to come to my parents' Christmas party? They said anyone could come."

"Sure, whatever. Just don't blame me if I start a riot," Peter told him, smiling. Jason knew that he was serious, though.

"You won't start a riot. It's not half as bad as you suspect."

"If you say so," Peter muttered happily, snuggling into Jason's side on the couch.

"Stay with me," Jason breathed after a moment, kissing whichever part of Peter's face was convenient.

"Mmm, I want to." Peter told him, quietly considering his options to be able to stay with Jason. "Don't talk, Jay," he added as an afterthought, leaning up to kiss the words away.

***

Jason wiped the sweat away, staring at Peter. It would be easier to look shocked if it wasn't the first week of August.

"What do you mean, 'I'm not going back to Berkeley'? Are you insane? You're supposed to leave today, and I will not be held accountable for you being late or – or – just not going –" Jason accused, bewildered and frustrated.

Peter interrupted, "I mean exactly what I said. I'm not going back."

Jason stared. "But your plane –"

"I'm transferring to Strayer University in Springfield. I'll be under an hour away. I'm yours to keep, Jason. I mean, I liked Berkeley, but I love –"

Jason pulled Peter close, and kissed him soundly on the mouth. Peter moaned into the kiss and deepened it. After a while, they pulled apart, resting their foreheads against each other.

"You're a fool," Jason said, kissing Peter's nose.

"But I love you."

"Good. Forever you and I."

"Forever you and I," Peter said, and he and his lover shared a sweet smile and went into Jason's room.