A/N-I do not own these characters only Stephenie Meyer does. Just passing the time to see what might have been.

So what if Breaking Dawn didn't wrap everything up in such a pretty bow? What if Bella couldn't stop thinking about that fiery kiss with Jacob in Eclipse? What if living forever meant living as a person who you never wanted to be and giving up more than you realized? In this story, a little more logical Bella gets caught up in her head rather than her heart...but not forever. This story answered my questions, maybe some of yours as well.

Bella sat on a bench waiting for Edward to come out of a music store. She spun her wedding band on her left ring finger. She glanced down and smiled at the sparkling band against her perfect marble hand. Her eyes then fixed across the street into the yard of a preschool, tall trees shed their fall colors onto the floor. Red, orange and gold leaves drifted down onto a grassy playground. A small girl reached into the air over and over again trying, despite the wind, to capture a leaf between her tiny hands. She danced in circles always clasping at the air just a moment too late and the leaves sailed away from her breeze. The girl's deep ebony curls catching the wind as she spun, her chocolate eyes hinting towards a honey center caught the thin sunlight that broke through the trees and warmed the apples of her cheeks tinting them a lovely shade of pink. Her cherub face rivaled that of any painting of any angel Bella had ever seen. She was more than beautiful. She danced on her tip toes and eventually came down onto her bottom, smiling triumphantly at the tattered leaf in her hand. She held it up to the light and then caught Bella's watchful stare. She flashed a tiny smile and waved with the leaf still firm in her grasp. Bella waved too before she could stop herself and shook out of her trance. She looked down at her watch, trying to distract her thoughts and shook off that gesture as well.

"What does time mean anymore? She thought to herself. Who cares how long she had sat there and when Edward would tear himself away from the vintage record store. Time away from each other was not as bad these days. They had eternity together. Who misses anyone when you don't even sleep?

Sleep. The word seemed so unfamiliar to her. She wondered for a moment if there would come a time when she couldn't recall its meaning. She missed sleep. She missed her dreams, her time alone to digest, to decide, to address things that only your subconscious knew you longed for. She missed the shaky images that would fade and break and dim before her eyelids. Her secret desires that made her blush and cry out no matter how deep she slumbered. Her dreams gave her an escape from her overworked mind and now she had walking nightmares. She saw her fears realized and thoughts she could not pry herself away from in darkness uttering…it was just a dream…just a dream.

Bella lived now with the constant streaming reality that her choices as an 18 year old girl had frozen her here forever. Unchanged, living high school over and over again in new cities with a different name each time. A new life every few years, a new lie to tell herself, pretending they moved forward pretending things changed. Nothing changed…except the rest of the world. Everyone spare her new family grew and lived around her. She just existed, having no effect on the world around her playing make believe with her fairy tale prince. Unprepared and understanding little of how much she truly knew about herself, what she was feeling or what she really wanted, what she might need in the future, Bella had made the decision and frozen herself forever 18.

The sun began to break from the clouds and she adjusted her sunglasses from the crown of her head to her nose. She pulled her hood over her head and straightened herself slowly, remembering to use deliberate gestures as she stood up. Bella again caught the little girl in her eye shot, the miniature beauty waving once again and smiling. Bella face twisted with pain and she felt her long quiet heart sink into her stomach. If she could still cry, she knew she would be now as her own thoughts tortured her,

"I want her. I want to be a mother."

Bella imagined herself running across the street and scooping the little angel in her arms. She could hear the child's giggle ring in her ears. She breathed in the heavy scent that is so unique to babies and little ones and her heart sank lower. She watched in her mind as this projected self image hung there at the child's throat, lingering too long. Her eyes changed from gold, to flecks of orange and then swirling into a fiery red. She felt panic spread over her entire body; her muscles twisted and then went rigid, her hands balling into fists and her mouth opening wide as if to cry out in warning.

And then he was there. Edward shaking her back and forth, he stared deep into her pain filled eyes repeating over and over again,

"Bella dear, please! What's wrong, what is it my love?"

Bella heard him but couldn't break free from the trance, fear holding her. Her head was filling now with the words she wanted to scream at Edward but knew she would not let escape.

"I chose this." Her thoughts were beating against her closed lips trying desperately to get through. "I chose this hell! I'm stuck here forever knowing what could have been, watching strangers live the life I should have wanted for myself. I let you change me into this thing! I will only ever be a vampire. I was a daughter, a friend, a lover and even a sister before this. Now I am nothing more than instincts and acting. I have denied myself the one thing a women is given as a birth right, a choice so uniquely female, so naturally right, a normal change, the deepest reflection of love and a role I should have wanted. I will never ever be someone's mother and you, me, this endless love we share, will never be enough to make up for that!"

Bella's head swam with a million emotions at once, fear, loss, guilt. She fought with everything she had to not speak the words.

Edward's grasp tightened around Bella's stone shoulders and he begged on and on,

"Please Bella come back to me!"

Her voice came out weak and strained with effort but of course he heard her. She mumbled in an unwavering line,

"Never enough, never enough."

Bella's eyes stared still across the street and burned into the yard now crowded with a dozen children.

Edward turned to follow her gaze and as he turned back to face his eternal bride, Bella closed her eyes tight to avoid the truth he must have realized.

Bella's breath caught in her throat and she sat up gasping and coughing, tasting the tears that streamed down her face. She felt around frantically, pulling at the sheets of her bed and suddenly she stopped. She felt her racing heart slam against her chest, her hands flew up to her temples and she felt the blood rush into them. She dropped her hands clawing at her warm cheeks.

"Warm", she thought to herself. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness around her and she let her eyes take in all the familiar items. The purple bed sheets, the old computer, the open window. She shivered and said to herself,

"I'm home". Bella sat in her own bed in Charlie's house, she spread both hands out in front of her. She ran her right hand over her left and saw no ring, no change.

"I'm still alive." Bella uttered just a few words before falling back into her pillow. "Just a dream."