Eva XLR
Shinji Ikari, fourteen year old game nerd, junk food fanatic and overall awesome mechanic sighed in annoyance and lowered the unresponsive phone.
Why the heck did he have to leave the states? Japan hardly had any greasy fast food joints at all and they had seemingly never heard of a super-large tri-flavor squishy. This place was boring!
A military jet suddenly crashed to the ground not fifty feet away followed moments later by a car rapidly turning the corner. A couple of houses down the street detonated and a massive monster came into view. The blue car, an Alpine A310 if his eyes didn't deceive him, weaved between the flying concrete debris and came to a screeching halt at the bottom of the staircase.
He shrugged, took a sip off his cola, threw the empty can into the trash, grabbed his backpack and calmly walked over to the waiting car.
"Get in now!" The woman driving the car said and flung the passenger door open.
Completely ignoring the woman he calmly put the backpack down and began to rummage around for the photo he had been sent.
"What the hell are you doing? Get in now."
He looked at the photo, then at the woman in the car and then at the photo again.
"Katsuragi?" He asked and compared the photo to the driver again.
"YES, get inside the car, NOW!"
He shrugged, grabbed his pack and when he moved closer he was violently pulled inside.
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Wild car ride?
Check.
Giant Monster?
Check.
Mass destruction?
The shockwave hit the car and it tumbled over to the side. He found himself lying on the cars ceiling with a face full of perky bosom. Misato quickly pulled away when she realized how they were positioned.
Check.
It was almost as if he was back home. But only almost, the crater was much smaller then he was used to, and the giant monster was still in one piece.
It took the duo a couple of minutes to push the car back on its wheels, but unfortunately the car didn't start.
With another shrug he grabbed his backpack and popped the hood open, Misato disappeared down the street in search of either a working car or some spare parts for hers.
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Misato grunted as she walked back towards the car, her hands were filled with stuff she had nicked from the nearby gas-station
She spotted the car in the distance with Shinji rummaging around under the hood. She could hear the sound of a hammer against metal, followed a few seconds later by the sound of power-tools.
A few moments later the sound stopped only to be replaced a buzzing sound; she could see sparks flying from the engine.
Shinji stopped what he was doing, lowered the hood and removed the black tinted wielding glasses.
A copious amount of duct-tape had been used to keep the frame of the car together; the boy had been busy since she left him ten minutes ago.
He whistled a happy tune as he sat down in the driver's seat and turned the ignition. The car literally roared with power much louder then even a large truck.
She dropped what she was carrying and quickly jumped into the car, the thing had begun to roll. She had barely closed the door before she was slammed into the seat as the car took of at insane speeds.
He took a curve in a hundred and thirty… mph, then zigzagged between abandoned cars and fallen threes. The speed counter was steadily pointing at a hundred and eighty, it was as far as it could go.
"SLOW DOWN!" She screeched in panic, she had never managed to get the car to go faster then a hundred and thirty.
His response was to shift to the highest gear and slam the pedal to the floor. The surroundings turned into a green blur. People had called her a reckless driver, but this boy was fucking insane!
The worst part was by far the calm and relaxed look the boy was wearing, and the upbeat tune he was whistling.
He jerked the steering wheel to the side and the car leaned to the side and balanced on two wheels. They managed to get past two cars with only inches to spare, and Misato turned even paler. The fact that Shinji was whistling a funky funeral march didn't help matters at all.
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Ritsuko helped a shaking Misato into the control room, she was pale and her eyes were widened in fear. The rest of the bridge bunnies were finishing up the pre combat checks while the pilot was making his way towards the entry plug.
It had been ridiculously easy to get the Ikari boy to pilot, the moment the boy had seen the Eva his eyes and widened a turned sparkly with happiness.
"You'll control the Eva unit by… are you listening to me?" Shinji's looked around the entry plug with awe and pressed different buttons at random.
"Nope." He said without missing a beat.
"This is very important…"
"Hey, don't worry. I'm Japanese, driving giant robots of mass destruction is in my blood. I'm also a teenager, so there is absolutely no way I could lose."
"Were doomed." Misato said and shivered even more.
Ritsuko's eyes twitched in annoyance.
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Everyone's eyes were glued to the screen that displayed a beat-down of epic proportions. It had started normal enough, with a couple of kicks and punches, but then Shinji had ripped a streetlight from the ground and proceeded to beat the angel over his head with it.
Shinji had then ripped a gigantic Eva-sized folding chair from the roof of a nearby furniture store then beat the angel to the ground with it. He had discarded the dented chair and then had climbed to the top of a nearby building and had jumped down and body-slammed the twitching prone angel.
"Alright you alien scumbag, you wrecked the city, made me miss lunch, AND YOU MADE ME SIT IN THIS UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR SUBMERGED IN SMELLY GOOP!"
"Is he..." Maya asked with wide eyes.
"Yepp." Hyuuga answered with his eyes still glued to the screen.
The Eva had grabbed the angel in a choke hold and had proceeded to give the angel a noogie of massive proportions. Where the hell had Hyuuga managed to get a bag of popcorn?
"Finish it off already!" Ritsuko yelled over the radio.
The Eva shrugged its shoulder and raised the angel above its head, with a massive pull the angel was ripped in half and the remains thoughtlessly thrown away.
The Eva turned around to look at the destruction wrecked in the city and then clapped its hands to brush away imaginary dust.
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"Well, don't worry Misato. I know it has been a stressful day but now you can go home and get a good night sleep." Ritsuko said as the duo stepped out of the elevator, Misato was still shaking wildly. They began to make their way through the corridors towards the garage.
"Really? But I don't think I can drive home like this."
"Don't worry, Shinji has a driving license and I managed to convince him to drive you home." The blonde said as they stepped into the underground garage.
Ritsuko waived at someone and when she looked that way she saw Shinji sitting in her car calmly drinking a soda. She whimpered in fear and if it hadn't been for Ritsuko holding her she would have curled up in a ball and cried.
Before she knew it she had been pushed into the car and her seatbelt fastened.
The car slowly made its way through the complex and up the car elevator. She opened one of her eyes; perhaps it wouldn't be as bad without the angel hunting them.
"I managed to do some more modification to the fuel-pump and engine while you were in the doctor's office; I've managed to squeeze a couple of more miles per hour out of her."
Misato only curled up in her seat and cried.
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"Hey, Coop!" Shinji said and leaned in closer to the phone.
*So how is Japan?*
"It's kinda cool, but I miss home. It gets kinda boring here after awhile." Shinji anwered.
There were some voices in the background.
*Yeah, yeah, I'll ask him… Shinji, Kiva wants to now if you have anything to do with the massive energy bursts she detected or the destruction of large parts of Tokyo-3 covered on the news on multiple occasions.*
"This place is crawling with alien monsters! And I got my own Megas!" He answered giddily.
*You hear that Kiva! Tokyo-3 is crawling with huge monsters, I guess Me, Jamie and Shinji were right to trust all of those monster movies! And you said they were a waste of time!* Coop gloated to someone, obviously Kiva.
"Hey Coop, could you ask Kiva, Goat or Tiny to send some things over for me. My Megas isn't as good as it should be."
*Is that the reason why you've done things half way? Only parts of Tokyo-3? You better get it all next time.*
"Sure thing… about that list?"
*No problem, just send it later. And you better get me a tape of you wrecking Tokyo, it's always been my dream to do that, but Kiva won't let me…*
"I promise."
*Good, now the fun parts over we have to get serious. Has anything important happened?*
"Oh phooey… Well…Yeah, I won the schools hot-dog eating contest."
*That's my cousin!*
"Thanks, say hi to everybody!"
*I will… oh, and Jamie wants you to send some more pictures of that babe you are staying with.*
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Misato stepped out of the car inside the Tokyo-3 City Dump and looked around for her missing ward. The boy seemingly lived here nowadays, and she only saw him when she put food on the table.
She spotted movement at a large pile of scrap metal and walked over. The sound of power-tools assaulted her ears.
"Shinji, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?"
The boy lowered the metal saw and goggles before he answered.
"I'm looking for some upgrades to Megas. I need more and better guns."
Misato sighed in annoyance; her ward could be so stupid some...most of the time. It wasn't exactly as he could build anything from that junk. And his insistence to call unit-01 "megas" was slowly getting on her nerves.
"How do you think you'll be able to make it without a proper education? Asuka has already a collage degree and she's still at school."
"My cousin finally sent me the parts I needed. With the matter/anti-matter reactor I will be able to power megas as well as have an total energy output of 40 gigatones per second for my weapons."
"We'll talk about this later; just make sure you're home for dinner."
"Wouldn't miss it for the world…"
Misato sighed again, she knew she wasn't a particularly skilled cook, but the kid had even eaten her fried-curry-chicken-noodle-stew-surprise and then asked for seconds!
But if her cooking was bad his cooking was in an entirely different league. The general theme seemed to be absurd amounts of cheese, grease, meat and the occasional galleon or five of ice-cream mixed together.
No way in hell was that kid touching her kitchen again.
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Misato rubbed her forehead as she stepped out of the elevator and NERV HQ; it was from the sheer stupidity of her ward and not a hangover as many of her co-workers thought.
She stopped at the EVA-cages and her jaw dropped. Someone had added bulky blue armor to the Eva, removed the head and replaced it with a red convertible and added painted flames on the wrists and ankles. The outline of a posing woman had also been added, the paint job was rather crude, but the artistic skill was excellent.
Someone had also converted Eva-Cage 4 to a massive Eva-sized locker. The locker was open and on the doors inside someone had stuck pictures of cars and bikini babes.
"Where the hell do you find a three story tall "bikini babe calendar?"
The locker itself was filled to the brim with weapons of different kinds. There was a massive "mini"-gun, rifles of different kinds, what looked like a bazooka...
She spotted two particularly large rifles and read the text on their sides.
"Hellbore?....REFLEX CANNON!"
"WHO THE HELL DID THIS!" Misato turned around and saw a furious Ritsuko storm down from the control room.
"Hey!" The cheery voice made the two women turn around and look at Shinji wearing oil stained coveralls.
"Like my custom work?"
"YOU DID THIS!" Ritsuko was madder then Misato had ever seen her before.
"Come on, let me show you!" The youngest Ikari grabbed the two women's wrists and dragged them up the stairs.
Before they knew what had happened they had been pushed inside the car that was acting as the Eva's head (Oh, leather seats!)
"I even decided to add a personal touch, do you like the fuzzy dice?" Shinji said and removed the coverall; he was wearing jeans, a white tee-shirt and an old worn and faded red vest underneath.
He turned the ignition and the car, as well as the Eva, rumbled to life. The interior of the car had been heavily modified; hundreds of buttons, as well as the occasional game pad took up most of the available space. The only thing that still had its original place was the stereo.
A shout of "sempai!" and Maya jumped through the open car window. She was carrying two shopping bags.
He turned the steering wheel and gave some gas, and the Eva smoothly walked towards the launch bay.
"What are you doing, the launch tubes are closed!"
The young Ikari dug around under his seat and then pulled out a massive remote control.
"Let's see.... garage door opener..."
A distant explosion shook the geo-front.
"Opps... Then it's this one."
One after another the blast doors opened.
"Where are we going?" Misato yelled as they traveled through the launch tube at high speeds.
"Jersey City, it's in the states." Ikari said and began to walk through Tokyo-3.
He followed the street and even stopped at the traffic lights.
"Why and how?"
"Well, I wanted to see my cousin. And there is the motor show I want to go to. And since last year they even added a "giant-mecha" genre, and I signed up. And if we are really lucky there might even be a Glorft attack!" He said and handed Misato a magazine with a series of mechs on the front. She could see one that looked similar to the one they were currently sitting in.
"And how do you expect to get hallway around the world?"
"I haven't decided between sub-orbital or orbital yet."
Shinji flipped a coin.
"Orbital it is."
The three women screeched in fear as the Eva took off from the ground and quickly left the Earth atmosphere. To tune out the infernal noise he turned on the stereo and Cash's "Ring of Fire" blared from the speakers.
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Ritsuko ignored Misato who had pressed her face against the windshield to observe the Earth below them with a silly grin and turned towards Maya.
"So why are you here? And why are you wearing...that" The faux blonde said and pointed at her getup, jeans and a leather jacket.
"Well, Shinji-kun asked me if I wanted to go to a car-show with him, and when he told me that you and Misato would go to I said yes. He asked me to pick up some appropriate clothes for you two as well.... I didn't know he would use the Megas to get there or that it was in US..."
Ritsuko took the shopping bag Maya offered and peeked inside.
"A too tight leather motorcycle suit? What did Misato get?"
"Cut off jeans, tube top and a tight leather vest." Maya answered with a blush. Seeing the two babes in those clothes had been a large factor in deciding to go.
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Ritsuko's eyebrow twitched as Unit-01 did some weird handshake/greeting ritual with another giant robot.
She couldn't believe what was happening. They had landed outside the city-limits and then taken the normal road to the motor-show.
No one seemed to give the ten story giant robot even a second glance; people seemed to treat it as if it was a car.
She was even more disturbed when a police-officer had stopped them and given Ikari a speeding ticket. There were even traffic signs that dealt with giant robots specifically. What the hell was this place?
Then they had arrived at the car show and a functionary had led them to the mecha section. There were at least another fifteen or twenty robots, and people seemed to mill around and talk about them as if it was a normal car show.
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"So this big-boned guy is my cousin Coop. He is the owner of Megas XLR, and also running Champion of Galactic Combat Federations Ultimate Robot Bash. If you don't mind some collateral damage he is the guy to call if you want to destroy some large monster of giant robot. More importantly he is also the five times winner of the World Championship of hot dog eating."
"Stop insulting me! I'm fat, not big-boned!"
"The rude fellow is Jamie, a friend of the family."
"Hey, where did you get all those babes from?"
"And the redhead in leather pants and jacket is Kiva. She's from the future where aliens conquered Earth."
The fat fellow spotted someone in the distance and yelled.
"Tiny! Goat! Get over here."
"Heya Coop, Shinji, Kiva, hot babes." One of the men said, he was tin with a large moustache, long hair and a baseball cap.
"What about me?" Jamie said exasperatingly.
"Oh, sorry. didn't see ya."
Shinji pointed at the mustached man.
"This is Goat, he is the owner of the Jersey City Dump. After all the Glorft attacks he is also the main supplier of spare parts for giant mecha, as well as the co-owner and mechanic of "Tiny and Goat Custom Giant Robot Shop. The Silver Robot on far end that looks like a girl is his robot Darleen."
Shinji pointed at the large black man next to Goat.
"This is Tiny, he is the main designer and also mechanic for the "Custom Robot Shop. He is the owner of that green custom low-rider mech with large speakers."
"Shinji, the S-force is here. Duchess has been looking for you... Where did Shinji go?"
Ritsuko's eyebrows twitched again.
"Who or what is the S-force?"
"A bunch of aliens. The large animal mechs you see there are theirs."
"And who is Duchess?"
"Pretty alien babe with a thing for Shinji."
Tiny turned towards Coop.
"So when are the Glorft gonna attack?"
"Can't be too long now."
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"Second place, neat!"
"You aren't mad you didn't get first place?"
"Nah, I know I had no chance of beating Coop. But I will defiantly need to do some additional work on Megas. Increase power output, get a better weapon, and perhaps increase reaction time as well…"
"More power, better weapon? You freaking blew up a hundred and fifty enemy mecha with one round… AND YOU STILL HAD ENOUGH ENERGY TO CARVE YOUR NAME INTO THE MOON!"
"I think it was kinda cute, "Shinji-heart-Duchess". You don't find romantic men like that anymore, Kaji wouldn't do that for me."
"Of course he wouldn't! Shinji carved it into the fucking MOON with a giant robot!"
"See, you get it! Kaji is only after sex!"
"ARRG!"
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Author's notes.
This is an older oneshot I had on my hard-drive and was never meant to be anything but short and funny. For those that don't recognize the crossover it's Megas XLR, a mecha-series that heavily parodies other mecha-series.