5. Ted

Ted was wondering what on earth Barney was doing in Lily and Marshall's room (it didn't bear thinking about) and when he opened the door, he took one look at the Hieronymus-Bosch-esq scene in front of him, turned around and walked right out again.

He blinked slowly, once, twice, three times. He took a deep breath.

He went back inside the bedroom. He made a strangled noise. He walked right back out again.

Okay, so that was definitely not happening. He was definitely having some kind of mental breakdown. Yes, a mental breakdown. Because that made more sense. Because, seriously, he did not just see Lily and Robin with half their clothes off doing… things… to each other.

And he certainly didn't see Marshall… ngh!

Shaking a little, he walked back into the bedroom.

Luckily (in the loosest sense of the word) Marshall was no longer doing… that… to Barney and Lily was no longer doing whatever-it-is-girls-do with Robin. In fact, both Marshall and Lily were standing by the door.

"Uh… guys!" Ted protested. "Can you please put some more clothes on."

"Oh Ted…" Lily said, pulling him towards her in a loose embrace.

"Ted… Ted…" Marshall repeated, wrapping his arms around Ted from behind so that he was totally enveloped between the two of them.

"Hey!" Came a familiar voice from the bed. "Will you guys stop cuddling and start humping? And someone UNTIE ME!"

"I told you we should have gagged him…" Marshall laughed into Ted's shoulder. Meanwhile, Lily was doing very… bad things/good things… with her hands to the front of his pants. And that wasn't something he'd ever even-

Oh boy!

In a panic, Ted tried to pull away but then he was transfixed with horror as Robin crawled across the bed and straddled Barney.

"Marshall!" Ted squeaked. "I'm about to get married!"

Marshall squeezed his shoulder. "I know, buddy. That's great."

"But my point-" Ted's voice went up another register as Lily pulled down his zipper and he felt he knuckles brush over his shorts. "But my point is that my fiancé isn't doing… er… that… to your… penis! Oh my god!" His eyes rolled back in his head.

"Hey, call Stella up! All hot chicks get a free ride on Barnacle junior!" Barney shouted from the bed. "Limited offer only."

"Robin, honey, shut him up, will ya?" Lily said as she pulled Ted's jeans down over his hips.

"Lily… stop… please…" Ted begged her.

"Let it go, Ted," Marshall whispered in his ear. And this was horrible and wrong but Jesus Lily was good at that (all these years and he'd had no idea what made Marshall make those noises in the bottom bunk). "It's not like you haven't seen all of us naked before."

Ted opened his mouth to protest but quickly realised Marshall was right. Although, quite how he knew about him and Barney-

"So, I'm the woman you love?" Robin said, shifting forward on her knees until she was straddling Barney's chest.

Marshall, Lily and Ted turned to face them.

"Er, yeah, about that…" Barney said, laughing nervously.

"You wanna show me how much you love me, hot-stuff?" Robin said with an evil grin.

Barney stuck out his tongue and wriggled it.

Robin laughed out loud, moved higher and lowered herself over his face.

Marshall, Lily and Ted's jaws dropped simultaneously.

"Wow," Marshall said.

"You go, girl!" Lily said.

And as Robin began to moan, Ted suddenly had an inexplicable urge to join them, the tiniest spark of jealousy igniting in his belly.

Lily grabbed him by the dick and pulled him, inexorably, over to the bed so that the three of them came crashing down next to Barney and Robin, jolting the two of them to one side. "Hey!" Robin said, her thighs clamping down around Barney's head, practically suffocating him.

Ted flailed about beneath Marshall's large body, helpless as Lily went to work on his cock, her lips fastening hungrily around it. Ted laughed nervously, wondering just how long Lily had fantasised about this moment, given the enthusiasm she was showing.

Unreasonably small mouth opening girl?? FUCK no…

Ted cried out as Lily deep-throated him while Marshall meanwhile managed to get behind his wife, pushing her forward on to Ted's cock while he (presumably) was also trying to have sex with her.

Lily made a low groaning noise in her throat that reverberated up Ted's shaft, into his balls and right up his spinal column. He grabbed the sheets, twisting them as Lily's head bobbed up and down over his groin. This wasn't happening, he told himself. This wasn't happening.

If he closed his eyes, perhaps it wasn't-

Oh Jesus! Oh shit! Oh, something definitely was happening. Something was imminently going to happen right down his best friend's wifes' throat.

Something-

And then he was coming and Robin was coming and Lily was coming and Marshall was coming and he could feel something yank him to the side and his eyes flew open to see Marshall jerking Barney off and-

CRACK!

The entire bed shifted and dropped a few inches beneath them, causing Ted and Lily to scream in terror and Robin to scream in ecstasy before losing her grip and collapsing across Ted's chest.

Ted coughed and rubbed his eyes as a plume of dust rose up from beneath the broken bed.

There was a groan. Then:

"What the fuck just happened?"

"Ooo, I've got come on my new silk skirt!"

"Wow, that was great, baby."

"Will someone please untie me?"

Ted couldn't help but laugh. "This never happened, right?"

"Right," Lily confirmed.

"Sure thing," said Marshall.

"No problemo," Robin laughed.

"Barney?" Ted prompted him.

"That was awesome," Barney said. "So when are we doing it again?"

They all glared at him.

"What? I'll buy you a new bed! What?" He gulped as he saw Robin's grab Lily's bra, which she proceeded to stuff it in his mouth.

"Thanks Robin." Marshall said, chuckling.

"Someone had to do it." Robin yawned and snuggled up to Marshall. "You're comfy," she muttered.

"Yeah, Marshall's like a great bit bear." Ted said, closing his eyes. "Someone remember to untie Barney?"

"Yes, Ted," Lily said. "I love you guys."

Ted smiled and drifted off into sleep. There was probably going to be weirdness in the morning.

But future-Ted could deal with that.