Love, Lust and Draco Malfoy: Spoofed

By: Gothic Lust

Harry Potter

Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy

Romance/Humor

Rated M

Summary: He bit, she cringed (or did she shiver in ecstasy?), life as a werewolf could never compare, especially when Hermione is horny and Draco is chained to the bed. HGDM (LLDM Parody)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, also this plot line is not mine, but rather belongs to my dear friend, NeuroticMuse413. I am borrowing it, with her expressed permission, as a parody of the original (please do not take anything that goes on here seriously).

Author's Note: I must clarify some things here, and again it will seem repetitive; I do not own the plot line of this fanfiction, it belongs to a friend, NeuroticMuse413. I am borrowing the idea to create a spoof/parody, joke, and/or comedic moments between the characters, and should not be taken into consideration into her plotline. These ideas (related only towards actions and events that take place) are solely my own, and does not follow her future plans for the story.

On a lighter note, I hope that you enjoy this crazy idea that I've come up with. Also, if you have not read the original, then I suggest you do, and not just because she happens to be my good friend, but because the story is worth reading as a piece of creative literature.

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I would like to thank Gracie…aka…NeuroticMuse413, for allowing me to pursue this stupid idea of mine. If I happen to offend your story, bash, criticize or poke fun at it in any way, I am not at all sorry. XD

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Parody One: Blessed Virgins

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"Kiss the frog." Neville said while passing his toad, Trevor, to a beaten and bruised Malfoy.

Draco however, raised an eyebrow and proceeded to look like a child who really needed to poop by sitting on his hands and rocking where he was seated on the bed. "Why?"

"Why not?" Hermione chirped in from behind her large volume of Hogwarts: A History. "It says here that frogs grant a wish to any virgin who kisses it."

"…and what makes you believe that I'm a virgin." Draco scooted farther back and away from the boy and his pet toad. "I've had maids for Pete's sake, maids you hear!"

"So you've had help to pull up your trousers and wipe your ass." Hermione growled. "How does that make you not a virgin?"

"Woman, explain then how my trousers got on the floor." Draco sneered. "It was the maids!"

From the corner, Ron and Harry snickered, each holding a spare toad incase Trevor decided to make a daring last minute escape.

"Maybe he was lacking in some stuff below the belt." Ron laughed loudly.

"Yeah, I think the trousers were calling the skirts to come back." Harry added, red-faced.

"I'll have you both know that my manhood is more than sufficient in length, just ask the maids." Draco countered hotly.

"Galleons speak more than inches, Malfoy." Hermione pointed out. "And you're a few galleons short of a full sack."

Malfoy openly gapped at her, wondering when she decided to sneak a peak at his so called 'sack'.

"This is where you take the frog, Malfoy." Neville urged, pushing the toad into the face of a pale Draco. "It worked for me" He whispered low, motioning to his own crotch.

"Yeah, you can wish for a few more galleons." Harry cracked, the toad in his hands jumping to the floor and out the door quickly when he loosened his grip.

"I'm not kissing that pus-infested…"

"Pussy!" Ron exclaimed.

"Ron, I believe the term is coward." Hermione corrected him. "He's never had any too be called that."

"Oh, right." Ron reddened, his ears turning a deep beat color. Harry counted whatever freckles remained on his friends face before they disappeared into the maroon of his blush. Draco noticed the boy's sight directly aimed at Hermione's low cut shirt.

Ron shook his head when she turned around and quickly added another comment to the conversation. "Dick-less coward, then."

"Say whatever you will, I don't need to prove my virility to you!" Draco scoffed. "Even the help at Club Daemos can vouch…"

"Club what?" Hermione blinked. "Is that where they serve fizzing blue butterbeer in maid and Little Bo Peep outfits?"

"More like Little Bo Peak." Draco smiled at his own joke.

"Whatever, just kiss the damn toad, Malfoy." Neville shouted, all but shoving Trevor up Draco's nose.

Draco pulled back farther, sadly it didn't give him much distance from the frog in Neville's hands.

"Why am I going to do such a thing anyway?" He questioned again.

"You are going to wish for yourself to go back to wherever you came from." Harry bluntly stated.

"The reason why none of you are doing it is because," Draco blinked, unsure he wanted to know the answer.

"Because we're not virgins, Malfoy." Neville answered, pushing the toad yet again into his face.

"I find that impossible to believe." Draco swatted the frog from him, unable to sit on his hands any longer without loosing all feeling. He needed his right hand after all, and not just for sorcery or writing letters.

"Well," Harry sighed. "All except Ron and Hermione, and we don't trust Ron to make that wish."

"And what makes you think I'll wish for that." Draco countered quickly.

"You see, we know you're a werewolf, and we know that you bit Hermione." Both persons looked away from one another immediately, their eyes flushing gold. Harry continued. "And we also know that if we release her from her chains, she'll jump your bones. So, want to change that decision now."

"How do you know that I don't want her to 'jump my bones'?" Draco raised an eyebrow and winked rather provocatively towards the werewolf in question, chained rather heavily by blue steal to the bedpost.

"Because, you've got no bone to raise." Ron laughed out. He was turning red again.

Draco ignored the jab, again. "So, why can't Granger make the stupid wish then?"

"Doesn't work for women, if it did, there wouldn't be any more of them with a period to impregnate." Hermione spoke quickly, her eyes now fully bathed in gold.

Draco blinked, "Good point." He grabbed the toad from Neville's hands and kissed it before anyone could comprehend what he did.

The room flashed white, blinding all occupants. When everything cleared, and the discomforting spots faded from in front of their eyes, Harry, Ron and Neville opened their eyes, not expecting the sight they saw.

"Oh, gross!" Ron yelled, covering his virgin eyes.

"Well, now we know that it really was pointless." Harry said with eyes wide. "And the damn cocky bastard was right."

Both boys grabbed Neville before he could race to the bed before them, now crowded with multiple Hermione in several outfits from Club Daemos' secret closet. One particular outfit, clad upon a Hermione now straddling a grinning Draco, ironically resembled a maid's outfit.

"Damn bastard." All three muttered as they closed the door. "You win this round."

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Did I not tell you that things were not meant to be taken seriously!

Reviews are not better than Draco with a few extra galleons.

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