Chapter 1 - The Sea of Nothingness

I could never fix him. I tried but I could not. Instead, I ended up broken and tormented.

Friday 26 December 2008

It had been 9 years since they had met. The how and when, everybody knew. Hell, all of Japan knew. It had been passionate, stormy and unstable. And at the end, after 3 years, countless fights, incredible sex, a pair of rings for a vow that would never be exchanged, numerous attempts to a normal life, the relationship came to an end. Even now, Shuichi could smell his scent, a mix of cigarettes and expensive cologne. But, Yuki was not here. No, he was probably with his boyfriend of 5 years or whoever the mistress of the moment was. The singer could not blame his former partner though. After all, they had been apart for quite some time now, and he, himself had moved on. Well, maybe on a physical level, even though it always felt empty.

No, now Shuichi was sitting by his living room window, looking at the view without seeing anything really. Playing with his ring on the chain hanging around his neck, he was lost in his thoughts. Lately, they were his only companions at night. What a waste! To be so in love, to have so much to share, but to never be able to give anything. Empty... Everything was empty.

Yuki called earlier to wish him a Merry Christmas but Shuichi had not picked up. There was no point. Once upon a time, Christmas had been his favorite holiday, but right now it was his worst nightmare. The last time he spent it with Yuki, Riku had been there helping Shuichi put the ornaments on the tree. It was the picture perfect family, except for the fact that Eiri tortured himself for past mistakes that were out of his control; Shuichi blinded by unconditional love felt his bright outlook on life would conquer anything; and Riku craved for the family he really never had.

The writer grudgingly had stepped away from his laptop that night and joined the world of the living by sitting on the couch chain smoking and drinking beers. Shuichi did not mind. Sitting on the floor by Eiri's side with Riku sleeping on his lap, that's where he wanted to be... Surrounded by his family, he felt whole. At some point, he must have fallen asleep as well because he woke up to a subtle nudge on his shoulder, or was it a caress? Shuichi could never tell. In a rare moment of kindness, Yuki picked up Riku and put him to bed. The writer was still reluctant to adopt Riku, but Shuichi was confident he was warming up to the idea. That night, he came back to get the singer "allowing" him to enter the bedroom to celebrate a festive night. Shuichi could have sworn that these moments were becoming more frequent.

The phone jolted him out of his thoughts again. Damn, life! For once, he was having a pleasant flashback and it had to be ruined. Shuichi had made his decision, however. The once vibrant artist had broken. He had created a mirage of himself for the world to worship for many years but memory was a bitch and after years of trying to forget and pursue a normal life, he was too exhausted to deny what was ultimately his responsibility. He had destroyed everything and he could no longer live with the guilt. These restless nights tormented by the 'what ifs,' he could not deal with them anymore.

He yanked off his chain and placed it on the table. With a firm step, he headed towards his patio, down to the beach, straight into the deadly embrace of the sea. The last thing Shuichi remembered was the taste of the sea, the darkness, then nothing...

TBC