Disclaimer: You know the drill. ^_^ Invader Zim is the brain child of Jhonen Vasquez and his tribe of winged monkeys at Nickelodeon Studios. And no matter how much I might wish otherwise, I own nothing more than this story idea.

Author's Note: Teehee! Skoodge ficcy! I know that on the Nick.com cards, it is said that Skoodge manages to conquer Blorch (Woohoo!), only to be shot out into space or something by the Tallests when he returns. (Shame on them!) But for this story, let's all just assume that Skoodge doesn't succeed. Okee dokee? Okee dokee!

Anyway, I'm going to try to make each chapter a self-contained story, so that when I either run out of ideas or get bored with this, I won't leave any cliff-hanger endings.

Chapter 1: The Taming of The Rat

Redness... The whole of Planet Blorch was painted in redness - dusty red deserts, mottled red mountains, glaring red sunlight. Invader Skoodge would have loved to take to to admire the monotonous scenery, but he was too busy running for his life, his stubby legs kicking up a cloud behind him. On his heels dashed a pack of Rat People, gray-furred bodies galloping easily over the terrain. Only once had Skoodge hazarded a glance behind him, and he had been treated to the sight of hungry crimson eyes and huge fangs dripping with saliva.

Inside his disguise, Skoodge sweated, gasping for each breath. He'd thought his disguise was perfect, never realizing that the Rat People told each other apart by smell and not sight. The nearest Rat lunged, snagging Skoodge's "tail" between its teeth and jerking it off. Free from the encumbrance, Skoodge managed to speed up, the Rats still in hot pursuit. "Just a little further," Skoodge panted. "Almost there."

"There" was a mound of rocks which jutted up from the red sand. "SIR!" Skoodge shouted as he approached. Red robotic eyes peered up over the rocks. "Stop the Rats, SIR!" The small machine saluted and dropped down, bounding easily from rock to rock until at last his feet touched sand. Almost at the same moment that the SIR made it to the ground, Skoodge began scrabbling up the rocks.

A vast arsenal popped out of the SIR unit's head. "Halt!" it ordered. The Rats fell upon the robot, gnawing until it was rendered useless. Leaving the unappetizing metal scattered in the sand, the Rats circled Skoodge's rock pile. The pack knew that the Invader would make a better meal than the robot, and began climbing to reach him.

Desperately, Skoodge shouted at one of the rocks. "Disable hologram! Open hatch! Authorization - Invader Skoodge!" The rock wavered and vanished to reveal a Voot Cruiser opening its hatch. Skoodge all but threw himself inside. The moment he made contact with the seat, he began tapping at the controls, closing the hatch just as a Rat threw itself at the ship. The Rat slammed into the transparent bubble and clawed fruitlessly, slobber dribbling from its teeth onto the bubble.

Skoodge laced two of his fingers together and wiggled them in an obscene Irken gesture. He wouldn't be Rat food today! Then he turned on the ship's engines and lifted off. The Rat clung to the ship as it rose, shrieking in terror. Skoodge stopped the Voot Cruiser out of reach of the other Rats and studied his accidental passenger. It was about Skoodge's size, which meant that it was young.

"Get off!" Skoodge shouted, knocking on the bubble. The Rat pressed its ears back, its keening creeping up an octave. "Your maternal unit isn't going to sprout wings and fly up here to get you, you slarking Rat! Now, jump!" Skoodge made the ship shake in an attempt to dislodge the Rat, but it refused to let go. Skoodge slapped his forehead in disbelief. Here he was, hovering twenty-five feet over a pack of Rats that wanted him for dinner, and one of their filth-infested young had a death grip on his Voot Cruiser.

Skoodge flopped back in his chair and tried to figure out his next move. He couldn't go back to Irk - not without conquering Blorch. The Tallests would skin him alive for sure! But he certainly wasn't sticking around on this red dirtball of a planet either! Well, maybe he could find a nice quiet little planet to settle down on where no one would find him. Now that sounded like an idea! First, though, he had to get rid of the Rat.

Not expecting any success, Skoodge tried to reason with the beast. "Listen. I'm leaving this planet." He pointed upwards, trying to make the Rat understand. The Rat's gaze followed in the direction of Skoodge's finger, but still it continued to whimper and hold onto the ship for dear life. "Leaving," Skoodge repeated. "Flying out of here. Not ever coming back. Mother of Irk! You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?"

As he stared at the Rat, Skoodge began to realize that without his SIR, he was in for a long and lonely trip. Perhaps the Rat was young enough to be tamed... "Abso-slarking-lutely not!" Skoodge swore, his sudden volume making the Rat squeal. "I am not traveling with something that wants to make a meal out of me! The thing probably can't even be house-broken." Skoodge broke off his tirade quickly, when he realized he was trying to talk himself out of the idea. "Slark it all," he muttered. "Computer, lock down cargo-hold two so that absolutely nothing can get out, and then open the hold's outer hatch. As soon as the Rat's inside, restrain it."

"Complying!" the computer shouted. The Rat nearly lost its grip when the cargo-hold entrance opened. Something must have clicked in its primitive brain, though, which equated going through the opening with no longer hanging in mid-air. Soon the filthy hair-beast was crawling inside. With another series of button taps, Skoodge brought up a visual on the cargo-hold, and smiled to see the Rat trussed up in mechanical tentacles. Satisfied that the Rat wasn't going anywhere, Skoodge set the ship on a course that would take it away from the Armada and the planets marked for Irken conquest.

Grabbing a nutrient bar, Skoodge went down to the cargo hold to meet his captive. Even through the closed door of the cargo-hold, he could hear the Rat snarling. Skoodge entered his access code and the door slid open. Entering, Skoodge grimaced at the pungent smell of urine. 'Definitely not house-broken,' he sighed. The Rat thrashed in its restraints, trying desperately to get loose. "Hey!" Skoodge shouted, startling the Rat enough that it went still. "That's a good hair-thing. You don't want to hurt yourself now, do you?" Lifting himself up on his backpod's mechanical leg extensions, Skoodge waved the nutrient bar under the Rat's nose, grinning as its whiskers twitched. Suddenly the Rat lunged and snapped up the bar. "Mother of Irk!" Skoodge swore. "You almost took off my fingers!"

Nutrient bars, though small, were designed to be filling - one nutrient bar being equal to one good-sized meal. The Rat chittered in surprise as it found its appetite sated. Skoodge circled his prisoner, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Not exactly an ideal arrangement, huh? Personally, I'd rather have my SIR, but since your pack destroyed it..." Skoodge shrugged as he made his way back to where the Rat could watch him again. The Rat began whimpering, jewel-like tears creeping down its furry cheeks. Obviously without its pack around, the hair-beast was helpless and frightened.

Skoodge rose again, and risked reaching out to stroke the Rat, running his fingers through the baby-soft fur. To his surprise, the Rat leaned into the petting. "Starting to think of me as pack already?" Skoodge asked with a grin. "I bet that'll last until you get hungry again. I'll try to find something to use as a collar so you won't have to stay trussed up like this, and then we'll stick with a collar and leash arrangement until I'm sure that you're not going to try to eat me again. Sound fair enough?" Skoodge paused, surprised at his own chattiness. He decided that a year on a planet full of murderous, slavering hair-beasts with only his SIR for company left him ready to talk with anything at all.

Seeing as how the Rat was incapable of civilized conversation, Skoodge decided to leave it alone and let it get acquainted with its new home. As soon as he was out the cargo-hold, Skoodge ordered the computer to undo the restraints. Almost immediately he heard the Rat scrabbling at the door. "Slarking Rat," Skoodge muttered to himself. "Probably wants to try and use me for a chew toy." Instead of feral growling, though, a faint mewling came through the door.

Skoodge groaned, slapping his forehead. Why had he not tried harder to lose the hair-beast? Perhaps he should just jettison the over-sized rodent out into space. "Computer," Skoodge sighed. "Clean up the Rat and the mess it made in the cargo-hold. If the slarking thing is going to be staying, then it's not going to smell like filth." While the computer followed orders, Skoodge went back up to the ship's cabin and brought up the matter creation program on the main screen. "Fashion a collar," he told the program. "Large enough for a young Rat Person, and tough enough that it can't be chewed through."

"Processing!" the program said. A slot opened on the main panel, and a platform rose. Lasers swirled around and when they deactivated, the requested collar was on the platform. Skoodge grabbed the collar and went back down to the cargo-hold, once again ordering the computer to restrain the Rat.

Crimson eyes followed Skoodge's approach, the occasional unhappy chitter erupting from the furry prisoner. "Don't look at me like that, fuzzball," Skoodge murmured as he snapped the collar in place. Suddenly, he started giggling. "Now there's a fitting name. How would you like to be called 'Fuzzball'?" The Rat, not understanding, could neither protest to or agree with the name.

Pulling an unused mechanical tentacle from a wall-port, Skoodge clipped it onto the collar, then backed away from the Rat. "Computer, retract all tentacles except for 5-22-D, which is to be kept in position and at a six foot length." Finding itself suddenly able to move again as the tentacle units slid back into position, Fuzzball stretched. Then it lunged for Skoodge, its leash jerking it to a halt only inches away from the Invader. Fuzzball whirled and attacked the leash, teeth bouncing harmlessly off the tentacle.

"Feisty," was Skoodge's only response as he leaned back against the wall to watch his companion. As if realizing that it wasn't accomplishing anything, Fuzzball stopped and glared at Skoodge, tail lashing back and forth angrily. Skoodge merely stared up at the ceiling, humming an Irken marching tune. He figured that if he could get the Rat accustomed to his scent, then it would start to think of him as pack.

Skoodge yawned as exhaustion suddenly weighed down upon him. The stresses of the past year on Blorch seemed to decide to take their toll all at once. Going to cargo-hold one for blankets, Skoodge brought back two for Fuzzball, who immediately began making a nest out of them. Then Skoodge wrapped himself up in yet another blanket and was soon snoring softly.

'So warm...' Skoodge thought upon first awakening. Cracking open an eye, he found himself staring at a furry snout. Fuzzball was lying right on top of Skoodge! Had the hair-beast managed to get loose? Skoodge froze, wondering why he wasn't dead yet. His eyes tracked the length of the leash, which was still in place. Apparently Fuzzball had managed to snag a corner of Skoodge's blanket and had dragged him over.

Seeing that Skoodge was awake, Fuzzball began whuffling up and down the Invader's small body, searching for food. Relaxing, Skoodge permitted himself a grin. "Mother of Irk! That was certainly a quick turn-around." Skoodge pushed the Rat off, and stood, stretching his arms toward the ceiling. "I'll be right back with some breakfast, Fuzzball." The Rat strained at the leash as Skoodge left it alone.

When Skoodge returned with the nutrient bars, Fuzzball relaxed, sitting back on its haunches. The first nutrient bar Skoodge tossed to the Rat. The second he polished off himself. Fuzzball ate slowly, as if remembering how quickly a nutrient bar ended hunger. When it was finished, it burped and rolled over onto its back, staring up at Skoodge. "Something tells me I won't be keeping you on that leash for long," Skoodge chuckled as he began rubbing the Rat's belly. Fuzzball watched Skoodge through half-lidded eyes, purring at the attention it was getting. "And you know what else? I don't think I'm going to regret leaving Blorch at all. Slark Operation Impending Doom Two!"