CLANNAD - Kimi Dake Wo

Spoilers for ~After Story~ 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio, there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV.

~ CLANNAD ~

I couldn't feel her pain, but she was suffering. The ache absent from my chest ached in despair. Why couldn't I finish what we had started? Was she going to die? This world was a place where there was no-one, a world that had ended… and we felt at our end. I would go on to rust and decay without her. But for her to suffer…

It wasn't right. All she did was embrace this place; she loved this world in the Spring and Summer, even Autumn. But this world had turned on her; this world did not love her like she loved it. It was going to claim her life… and there was nothing I could do to protect her. No matter how much I wished terribly. I was going to fail her. But… she and I were partners; the pain she bore, I was meant to carry with her.

Had she expected this to happen when she created my body and brought me into this despairing world? Her tiny body was trembling viciously; her body couldn't take much more. I laid a hand onto her shoulder. Her golden eyes met my disfigured face.

"What is it?" she asked.

I wished I could give her an answer, if only she had given me a voice. But I did not blame her for my silence, perhaps she simply did not want me to cry if she passed on. She was a goddess, a girl that had brought me into this world not just for her, but for me too. I wished I could reward her with life as she had me.

"Are you going back out there? It's so cold".

Yes. It's cold. But I must go. I cannot let her perish in this world because she was ill-equipped for the end of the world's year. I wouldn't allow the snow to claim her in the absence of the lights that had drifted around us in the previous months. I would do whatever I could, even if my body were to cease functioning and she would never be able to rescue me. If she were to die, there would be nothing for me in this world.

Only empty days filled with empty memories. I could not bear a life like that. The snow would melt and the lights would gather, but the girl wouldn't stand in the lush fields to accompany those lights. I wanted to cry. For her. To shed her tears.

Chapter 3 - Two Shadows

My legs were numb wandering through the snow-coated roads. Word had come to us that Ushio was fine, she was going to live; Nagisa's sacrifice had fulfilled her desire for her baby to live on. Our baby to live on. Snowflakes fell innocently over me, over the city. Who would have expected that such fragile and gentle drops of frozen water could cause a family so much grief? Sunohara insisted that I leave and get some rest after staying awake for the majority of 24 hours, threatening to drag me back if I refused. With that, I had to reluctantly accept and depart. My feet barely left the concrete road beneath the blanket of white, dragging my heavy heart away from the woman I loved, the baby whom I had conceived with her. I couldn't bring myself to admit it aloud, but I couldn't bear living anymore. Tears continued to stream down my face; Nagisa wouldn't want that. Such a cowardly death would only harm those that I cared about even more.

I couldn't do that to them, not after everything they had done for me. They had opened my eyes to a life worth living, all as a way to thank Nagisa and me for what doors we had helped them open. But now what? Where would I go from here? I could feel my body falter, the pain was too much. I couldn't envision a life without Nagisa, without the light that made me whole. There was nothing but white, houses closed off to the outside. Suddenly… there was a laugh. The laugh of a child. A naïve laugh that had yet to endure the tests of life.

My leg shifted forward, I couldn't bear to even look at the child, wherever he or she stood. The view of the street ahead slipped in and out of focus, exhaustion was overcoming my body, ready to claim me and let me freeze in the harsh nature of the season. I wouldn't mind if there were so many people to face after losing Nagisa. Standing either side of the aisle that we strolled down before I could call her mine forever, watching the coffin that held her petite body; eyes once filled with light and a thrill for life filled with tears of sadness, of their loss. Kyou, Ryou, Kotomi, Tomoyo. Those that had become a part of the drama club, the girls whom Nagisa and I swore to help throughout our year in education together; at that school, the place where we finally declared our love after months.

Each had suffered their loss. I could only imagine their faces when they heard of Ushio, only to drop in mourning at hearing of Nagisa's unjust fate.

Two trenches had been dug in the snow behind my path; the footsteps of our earlier rush had since been filled by the flakes of the wintry spirit laid over this city. This city… that had toyed with us. When would the sun shine through and erase this mistake that the clouds have given up? The curse bestowed upon us that sealed Nagisa's fate.

Before I could even think about suppressing the pain that made my chest feel hollow, tears were sliding down my freezing cheeks. I cursed myself inwardly, why couldn't I be strong? I was a father now; I couldn't break down as easily as Nagisa would. But the tears wouldn't stop… No matter how many times the back or the palm of my hand would brush against my eyelids, they continued to regenerate; an endless suffering. I would never see Nagisa in this life again; I would spend years alone in mourning and meet her when my body lay amongst the earth of this forsaken world. This world that I despised and cursed.

My legs wobbled gracelessly in the bitter winter scene, screaming in agony throughout the losing battle against nature. My heart felt as heavy, like I could simply collapse in the snow and wait for my body to give up, to meet Nagisa once again before my life would feel empty. But then… the others would suffer more. The burdens upon their hearts would grow; the pain that would tear them apart. Suicide was a coward's way out and I still had Ushio; Nagisa's wish.

The sight of the apartment that had been my home for close to a year was a blissful sight, I stumbled weakly towards it. It was like an oasis in a desert, a delusion of my mind to give me hope and force my body forward. I surrendered regardless of the true scene ahead of me. The trip had never felt so drawn out; like I had crossed the entire city just to find the one place I could call mine.

Mine… no longer ours. My heart trembled, tears swelling in my reddened eyes. How long before the pain would become too much? Would I be able to cope for Ushio's sake? The smiles that had been upon the faces of the Furukawa clan throughout our peaceful carefree days passed through my mind. So many wonderful memories; times that Ushio would never experience. She had lost more than just a mother; she had lost a part of herself. Just as I felt I had. Standing outside of the door to the apartment, my eyes drifted to the writing by the door, displaying more than just my name - they were our names. My fist rose and pounded my chest lightly, unable to tear through the skin and muscle of my heart to massage my damaged heart. Everything was staring at me, pointing out the life we had planned, reminding me of the horrid reality. Why couldn't I be taken to satisfy this city's hatred for me? It had yet to finish toying with me; who would this place sacrifice next?

My hand dove blindly into my pocket, fishing out the key that had locked us out of the place we could call a home in the twilight hours, slipping into the hole forged for it. Twisting, clicking, opening; it was something that happened each and every day. My legs dragged me forward, into the warm room and shutting out the accursed snow. The temperature kept the dwelling warm, but the welcoming aura had vanished; my home was just as it had been when I worked alone. But even then, there had been hope. Light. Promise. Now there was nothing; nothing for me, nothing for Ushio. This place was just a few rooms placed together under a roof, it meant nothing anymore. The memories that we shared would be buried within the walls, never to rise again. That was the end of our future.

I strolled along the short hallway, hand falling against the wooden barrier. My body fell against it, forcing the door to swing open. My eyes truly opened at the sight I uncovered; I had entered the nursery Nagisa had put together for Ushio. The crib for our baby to sleep, the toys she would play with, the rocking chair that Nagisa would sit upon to feed and sing her to sleep. There was such charm in the room, four walls decorated so innocently that brought such pain. Even Dango plushies seated upon the chest of drawers, it tore at my heart.

Those round mounds of plush were Nagisa staring at me so gently. She was going to force the Dango culture upon Ushio, something I loved to tease her about after hearing how she sang the childish song to our unborn babe. But I couldn't speak nor think ill of her; that was a crime against her memory; an act I was not willing to commit. After all… she was my one and only love. She was the person who opened up their arms to me when I was nothing but a delinquent, when I planned to do nothing but lay under the sky until the day came when my pointless life would end. But she was the one who appeared and opened her hand to me, to guide me along a new path, she stood there so innocently talking to herself, unaware of how much her standing alone at the foot of that hill would mean. To us both. She was the one that pushed me forward, to climb that hill alongside her, to walk into the world a new man, to work and give my life a purpose. She was my motivation. She was my inspiration.

And now there was nothing… Where would I go from here? Back to the person I had been? Do I go anywhere? My life had fallen apart, I was nothing again. I was nothing without Nagisa. My foot passed through the threshold, my heart had given up. There was nothing for me in this world without my wife. My Nagisa. The apartment remained silent as I passed through the room Nagisa and I had put together to welcome our bundle from Heaven into the world. The melody of the Dango Daikazoku song Nagisa would sing so gently played through my head; each note, each gentle second.

Then my body froze. My eyes widened. Before me... was Nagisa. She was sitting just in front of me, holding Ushio in her arms, when had she returned? Her voice carried the words that accompanied the melody drifting through my mind. Her beautiful, tender voice was pouring into my ears, into the ears of our child. I shuffled towards her, reaching out. Her eyes lifted to see me, smiling so attractively, those glorious golden eyes that I though I would never seen were just in front of my eyes. The corners of my mouth rose into a meek smile; this was my family, the future we had dreamt of. From beside my leg, my hand rose, lifted into the air and reaching forward to the girl - the woman - whom I loved. Whom I cherished. The girl who had appeared liked a goddess in my life to deliver hope to me, I was no longer a useless, voiceless human walking unknown in the streets; I had a purpose, I had a future. Had. No longer could I praise fate for bringing me an angel in the years of darkness I had lived through. Fate had recalled that angel; they had delivered a child into my arms and parted, tearing Nagisa from me as though she were nothing more than a tool to raise my hopes before shattering my life once again.

My hand reached her, about to touch the fabric that covered her tiny body when I experienced nothing. I blinked, gazing up at her face in disbelief. Her smile fell, watching me curiously.

"Tomoya-kun?"

She vanished before me in the blink of an eye, during the blink of my eyes. She had never been there; Ushio had never been in her arms. My legs buckled, leaving me on my knees before the chair that sat uselessly in the nursery. My lips parted, whispering in a hoarse voice the only thing I could.

"Nagisa… Nagisa… Nagisa…"

Fists slammed against the seat of the chair, tears hit the cushion that had been placed for comfort. This world was nothing without Nagisa, I couldn't live on alone. My heart had already surrendered to what I had endured, ready to stop beating and simply ache forever. I remained hunched over the chair, sobbing like a child, just waiting for a hand to fall upon my head and stroke me with comforting words. Just waiting to gaze up and see Nagisa truly there through the tears, telling me that I had been experiencing a terrible dream. Nothing happened.

My body was drained; I couldn't keep up the charade any longer. Slipping in and out of consciousness, my body slipped from the chair without my brain registering the descent, falling against the ground where sleep overcame me. Everything was black. There was no light.

"Okazaki. Okazaki!"

The world began to tremble suddenly, a voice I knew was calling from a distant place. My body was being forced from the unconsciousness that was rest. I gave a groan to prove I was alive before my eyes slid open gradually, the sudden light from the bright room almost blinding. Giving a moment for my eyes to adjust, I realized the voice had ceased. There was silence; had I been hallucinating again?

"Thank God… You were really starting to scare me".

I knew that voice. The numb arm beneath my body pushed against the ground to lift me like a jack, despite how difficult the throbbing made it. A hand slipped beneath the pit, assisting in the task of dragging me from the floor. I looked around to the other where sapphire eyes caught my attention.

"When I said you should get some rest, I meant go to bed, not wear yourself out and collapse" Sunohara sighed, shaking his head like a disappointed parent.

"I got lost in a moment where I didn't concentrate. I thought I was heading for the bathroom and turned the wrong way" I protested quietly, looking away as if we were arguing in school. An easier time to think about. "What time is it?"

"I'd say about midday, I didn't look at a clock on my way out from the hospital" he answered serenely. "Sanae-san and Nagisa's father are over there now, they asked I come check up on you. When you didn't answer the door, I assumed you'd gone to sleep and used the key they gave me. But I couldn't find you anywhere; you scared the crap out of me. Even more so when I found you in here and then you wouldn't wake up. Are you trying to worry me to death?"

"Heh, I'm sorry, I never meant for you to feel like that" I sighed with a hollow smile. Typical Sunohara… but I loved that about him, he could turn even the worst of situations into a lighter mood. This time, he really had his work cut out for him; even I couldn't believe that it was possible for him to succeed.

"You really should sleep for real, you're not going to do yourself any good by sleeping on the floor" he muttered, unsatisfied by the scene he had discovered. Perhaps I wasn't the only one who felt that I had nothing ahead of me without Nagisa to guide the way.

"I don't even remember sleeping. I just remembering being in front of the chair" I mumbled, averting my eyes to the empty seat.

What I saw in the corner of my eye surprised me, Sunohara's face had dropped; he gazed at the seat solemnly. There was no feeling in his expression; he watched through the shadows that hung over the usually clueless face. Nagisa's death had shaken him just like it had me; I kept forgetting that. I was not the only one to suffer. Ushio was not the only one, nor her family. She had friends and people who had watched her performance that had fallen in love with her. Only I could step forward and take the hand she extended to me, but that did not mean that we were the only ones in that world. We just climbed the hill, joined by our friends, seeing the faces of those we had helped.

"Sunohara…" I whispered.

He blinked as if my voice had snapped him out of his world of thoughts, eyes falling to me. I narrowed mine in regret, they were suffering and all I was going to do was make them feel worse. I would going to only increase the weight of the burden placed upon their hearts.

"I'm sorry".

"Huh? Where did this come from?"

"When you walked in and saw me on the floor… did you think…?" I couldn't bring myself to say it, what if he hadn't? What if asking would only lead him to believe that I felt that low? That I felt that far… I couldn't harm him anymore than he already was.

"What is it?" he asked cautiously.

"It's nothing… I guess I had a dumb moment" I sighed while forging a smile upon my face.

"I worry about you sometimes" he chuckled.

"That's because I've been hanging out with you for so long. You've affected what little portion of my brain I had left over the few years we've known each other" I joked. It seemed he had succeeded, at least for now. He had overcome the ambience and done the impossible so easily.

"Bastard" he scowled, glancing away.

Shuffling away, I attempted to push myself from the ground. However, the throbbing in my arm turned to screams and gave up, I would have hit the floor if it weren't for Sunohara catching me after the cry of recognizing me struggle. He shuffled around and began to help me rise, tugging on my other arm until we stood opposite each other.

"That'll teach me to sleep on my arm, I suppose" I chuckled uneasily, rubbing the back of my head in embarrassment.

"What am I going to do with you?" Sunohara sighed, shaking his head.

"I used to ask the same about you before graduation" I added with a smirk.

Perhaps Nagisa had brought him to me, but in that moment, it felt as though even without her, there was still a path for me to walk in the world. A path that would lead me to where I belonged, a place where everyone would be waiting. The peak of the hill we had been climbing.

If only I could reach it, aim to stand amongst those I loved and cherished. She would push me forward no matter how hard I protested that I would stay with her. I would follow a path I had seen and promised another we would travel together by myself. Alone. Emptily.

"I'll get the futon out to sleep" I muttered discreetly.

"Sure, I'll raid your fridge for something to eat" Sunohara called with a grin.

I shook my head at the child standing in front of me. That was what he always had been, what he always would be; a boy. Passing him, I laid a hand of gratitude on his shoulder without words, hearing a sound of bewilderment escape his mouth. The threshold passed over my head and my body turned to the corridor once again, strolling without any feeling, without any will to move forward. Why had I suddenly lost my will to live when parting from Sunohara? Did he really possess this charm that enabled one to feel truly alive and that existing was worth it? A heavy sigh left my mouth, strolling into the room in which Ushio had been born and Nagisa had passed on. Tears swelled in my eyes, this was the place where her life had ended, a place I saw everyday, a place I lived. I would never escape the fact that she was no more of this world, that we had been so close.

"Nagisa?" I called gently in the hopes her spirit would appear in front of me with that bright smile. Waiting for her to say that everything was going to be fine and she would watch over us. Nothing happened; no hand came before me; no voice filled my ears. I strolled towards the spot where the futon had laid, where she had breathed her last, where she had sacrificed herself in order to create a new life. And fell. Collapsed into a heap, arms wrapped around my heard as my nose hung inches from the ground, tears streaming across my face. How could I live on without her? And in the place where she perished?

"Nagisa… Nagisa…"

I begged and pleaded for her to appear, whether it be in reality or even just a dream; just so I could wrap my arms around her and hear that angelic voice. To apologize and hear her speak of Ushio and what she wanted me to do. She knew I was a useless parent.

"Okazaki! Looks like the snow's losing against the sun, maybe the city will resume its usual business tomorrow".

Sunohara must have gazed out of the window in Ushio's nursery at the disgusting city outside, watching the detestable place buried in snow, the place that had done nothing but torment me throughout my life. Would it continue to do so if I stayed here? Would it harm Ushio if I took care of her? I forced my body to rise from the ground, leaving the minute stains against the floor, the tears I had shed constantly before dragging myself to the edge of the room and grabbing the futon inside. As I pulled it out and set it against the floor, one thing stayed on my mind; Ushio. If living with me was going to cause her harm, then I couldn't care for her. If I was going to be a useless parent like I claimed told Nagisa I would be, feeling so clueless, then I couldn't care for her. I was going to be a danger to her on more than one level, the level I believed when I spoke to Nagisa to keep her with us. When I let both her and Ushio.

I had failed again, tears continued to slip across my face as I slipped beneath the cover of the futon, bringing it up to my chin and gazing out at the city. I would be warm and safe while Ushio continued to fight to live on and Nagisa laid in a strange room without any life in her to utilize. Guilt washed over me, all I was doing was living and that was enough to make me feel remorseful. I had been the one this city had decided to toy with, I had been the one that had dragged them into a world that neither deserved. I should have died. My eyelids fell shut, allowing the final tears to escape before exhaustion slowly began to creep through my body and seize me again.

Light poured across my body when my eyelids flickered, the end of my rest had come. The lids over my eyes began to rise, only to shut again instantly when the blinding light shone over my face. I lifted my arm to shield them before rolling over and trying again. The lit room took a moment to come into focus. Low snores filled my ears, causing my body to shoot up in surprise, Nagisa didn't snore. My neck twisted to see Sunohara lying nearby without anything to keep him warm, his body shuddered. My hands tightened on the end of the blanket that had kept me warm and draped it over his trembling body. The fact that he had fallen asleep and it seemed for so long meant one thing; morning had come and the sun was rising.

The light pouring over me seized me attention, turning me from Sunohara and to the blinding light over the city, my arm hovering in front of my forehead in order to shield my eyes from the intense shining. I moved forward towards the large French-style doors, sliding one open and stepping out onto the narrow balcony. Gazing out at the city in the dawn of a new day, I felt as though I was looking into another world. A world without hope, a world destined to suffer. Was that how I appeared to everyone? There was something missing in this bright world; life. I took a moment to brush my eyes of any sand-like substance left before I took another gaze at the plain in front of me.

The dwellings were gone, the city had vanished. What stood before me was a lush field, plates of grass swaying delicately against the morning breeze. I blinked and widened my eyes in surprise, but when I looked out, everything was back how I remembered; the city lacking a true meaning. My heart sank, where was that field beneath the shimmering lights that swam in the air? What did that place mean? Why had I seen it? For a moment, between seeing the sleeping city and the empty field, I had convinced myself that losing Nagisa was a dream. But then I glanced back, hoping to see her standing behind me with a puzzled look on her face; all I saw was Sunohara unconsciously wrapping himself in the blanket I had given him. My eyes softened and narrowed, there was no escaping reality. Just as what stood before me was a city escaping the blanket that had been laid upon it; Nagisa had escaped this city that had brought us nothing but hardship and agony. We just suffered. I shook my head, I had promised that I would forget her and allow her to live free from the ties we shared. She would live on in another world as herself; she wouldn't have to suffer because she knew me. She hadn't died because I was there. And I could forget that she was the love that I embraced and lost. Partially because I was me.

The snow melted away, but no matter what I tried, Nagisa remained on my mind. Ushio would live with Sanae-san and Pops. I swore that I would forget Nagisa was a part of my life… just to avoid the fact that she was dead. I had lost my Nagisa… the light in my useless life. I had no light to shine as a person; I was a mere shadow without her.

"Those faces that had been so bright, the smiles that had spread in times of joy and carefree days. Each bore sympathy and vacant hope. Each had been harmed, just as I had. And I had no way to apologize to them. To my friends".

Chapter Four - Illusions

Short and not so good, I know. I'll make it up in the chapters ahead, but I couldn't think how far to take the time between Tomoya and Sunohara muc further. I promise I'll make it up. I'd like to say thank you so much to the reviewers, I hope I was able to fulfil the scene you asked for, Seto Takahashi. And the same to the meeting ahead, Vaarsuvius. As if it wasn't already painfully obvious, the CLANNAD OST greatly influences where this fic heads and the title chapters, just because the songs are magnificant and really help me capture what I'm aiming for in Tomoya. And regarding the comments in reviews; no, I am not a published writer, but that is where I'm aiming for and what you guys say really lifts my spirits in aiming for that goal, thanks so much~. Again, thank you immensely for reading so far and I promise I won't take forever to get chapters done.

- CuteYami, 2nd June 2009