CLANNAD - Kimi Dake Wo

Spoilers for ~After Story~ 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio; there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV.


Chapter 1 - The End of the Dream

Chaos ensued throughout the room, the cries of the newborn baby, wailing endlessly. Afraid of the new world, uncertain of what was happening or where she was, who these people were crowded around her. It had been hours, an eternity passed since it had began. I had been certain that neither the girl lying before me nor the babe continuing the wail would pull through, after hours had passed; I had become unsure if even I could stay conscious for the entire process. I had been reminding her of the promise we made; the life ahead for the three of us, but even that alone hadn't been enough to ease her soul. And to see her so pained, it made me want to cover my eyes, sit blindly until the end had come and the decision had been made. In the end, I had been sitting in that darkness, unaware of the real world happening around me; all I could see was her; the babe's cries had brought about life in the blank world of nothing. Returning to reality took a moment, those around us moved like stills, without any real movement; that was when my eyes met the sight of the life we had created; she was crying just as a healthy newborn would, she had really pulled through.

She came closer, presented in Sanae-san's soft grip before me, it was unreal, we had been stressing for weeks that there was a chance she wouldn't make it. I took her in my arms, I had become her castle; this was my - our - Ushio. My waist twisted, I had to show her that our offspring was alive, but when my eyes spotted her through the endless sea of tears, she wasn't looking back.

"Nagisa?" I sounded; fighting back the urge to let more tears fall in the stray chance she really hadn't shared Ushio's fate. There was no way Nagisa would give up; I couldn't allow my mind to stray down that path, to that fate. And even after a brief silence between us, nothing came, she hadn't responded. My hand fell to hers, gripping tightly, I refused to let her go; I wouldn't lose her now, not after everything, not after she had made it through the birth. "Nagisa? Nagisa!"

Her golden eyes opened, fixed upon me tiredly. She still looked in terrible pain; perhaps not physically, but within her, something was hurting greatly, the tears that had clung to my eyes slipped down my cheeks, meeting at my chin and falling down onto the futon laid upon the floor. The brief tickling of their meeting on my skin faded as quickly as their descent, my focus had to remain on Nagisa, she was exhausted and if her body had been rendered powerless to fight on, letting her sleep was not an option. Within my chest, I could feel my heart torn, even though Ushio continued to cry incessantly in my arms, Nagisa was still the world to me, just the sounds of her fatigued pants hurt more than any punch thrown at my physically.

"Tomoya…kun" she eventually managed.

I leaned forward, anything just so she could see me, see us. I didn't care what state I was in; drenched in layers upon layers of sweat, my hair fallen from exhaustion, tears streaming down my face that would make memories of her past lachrymose moments seem like nothing more than simply a few tears trickling down her cheeks and ceasing without anything more. The grip of my hand over hers tightened, just slightly, I couldn't bring any harm to her; I hadn't been that person for months, since the beginning of our acquaintance.

"She here! Nagisa, she's right here!" I cried breathlessly, my heart pounded against my chest in the ways I'm sure Sunohara felt after the vicious attacks from Tomoyo. Those days, I missed them so, just to be together with everyone, maybe if Nagisa and I had been able to meet during her time attending the school in my second year, we could have shared more fond memories; I could have grown to accept the school for longer. I witnessed Nagisa taking a moment to blink gradually, breathing a tired sigh, knowing her; it had been one of relief for Ushio. "You can hear her, right? Our baby's crying" I announced in the same feverish tone, the fact that this city had given us a break was unbelievable, I had been certain that the world had been against us, even before we had met at the base of that hill.

Nagisa gave a moment to gather the strength to answer, a simple "Yes…" was all she could manage, but that was more than enough for me, we had our dream lying ahead of us; the dream of being a family with Ushio, to live happily together and pay back both Sanae-san and Pops for everything they had done for us. I pushed myself back, presenting Ushio before her, just so she could see the miracle she had pulled off, I had never been so proud to have known her, though memories may have protested otherwise, she had completely turned my life around in merely a year; I would have never pictured myself finding a true life in this city, let alone find someone I loved so much that I would join hands with them in marriage and even father a child. Life without Nagisa would have been unbearable, the same dull cycle for the months until I graduated, moving on without a path ahead of me, wandering aimlessly until I would fall to the same levels as my father, maybe even lower.

Nagisa's eyes met Ushio, I knew at that moment, that my life would always feel complete with those two around, even if anything bad happened to us as Ushio would grow up, just knowing that they were there with me would be enough for me to remember the true value of my life.

"Look! I'm the first to hold her!" I exclaimed with pride.

"Yes…she's cute" Nagisa exhaled gently.

Another moment of silence between us passed, Ushio continued to wail without any clue what was happening. A path had been brought to us, a path we had prayed for in the past months; one filled with warmth, with hope, with a future. I continued to focus upon Nagisa and Ushio. My family, at last. "Our baby, Ushio".

"Shio-chan" Nagisa responded, the way she had chosen the name and even still thought of a nickname made me smile.

"She's a girl" I stated to her. "A healthy baby girl!"

"Yes…I'm glad she was born at home…" Nagisa continued on, her voice sounded so frail. Seeing her laying in a terrible condition was nothing new, but each and every time, it still hurt. "I thought it might have been dangerous for Shio-chan".

At that moment, I felt like snapping back at her; 'You fool, what about you? Care about yourself as well, you have such value in the world'. But Ushio had been her wish and birthing her at home had been what she had desired, she had been granted her wish just as I had in being with Nagisa forever. I sucked in the air around me; tears had built in my eyes enough for my sight to swim without any way to surface until they would part. "You really pulled through" I whispered while watching Ushio; my voice suffered from the overload of joy. In a way, I had directed the grateful declaration to both of the girls, but without a way for Ushio to reply, Nagisa was the one to answer, giving a sigh before she could continue on.

"But…I'm a little tired" her eyes fell shut again, reopening after a handful of seconds passed us by. Her words cut at me, I knew she was tired, but I couldn't bear to let her sleep when she was so weak. What if she wouldn't awaken once again? My bottom lip trembled watching her mouth open once again, my brow had creased in worry; maybe she was already slipping away from us. Maybe she really was going to die, but she had pulled through, it wasn't fair for us to lose her just after she had met the child she had given birth to. My mind trailed to her eyes, was I still there? Had I faded into nothing but darkness? I prayed she could hold on for longer, just long enough for us to get her to the hospital, why did the city have to fall under the snow at the same time Nagisa had gone into labour? Perhaps it was just another way at getting back at us. "Please let me rest…for a little bit".

No. I couldn't let that happen, once her eyes closed, the possibility that they wouldn't open again lingered. Around us, everything was white; I was beginning to wonder if perhaps we had sunken into our own world once again. One filled with brightness instead of the bleak plain I had been sitting within just moments before. I dared not peer over my shoulder, whether Sanae-san, Pops and the doctor were there or not was irrelevant, I didn't want to break the illusion that we were alone; the three of us, just as we wished for and promised. We couldn't lose our grip on that desire now, Ushio's cries began to echo; Nagisa and I were alone in this world. We had been together since meeting under the blossoming sakura trees, was this some sick way of us being alone when we finally parted? I shook my head internally, scolding myself without words, pessimism was the old Tomoya; I couldn't revert back to being that lost soul.

From behind, I heard Sanae-san's voice call out, they were still there, even if the distance had grown, they continued to watch over us as we sank into that world alone.

"Nagisa!"

"Damn it, the doctors still aren't here?"

"We still can't use the car?!"

I paid no attention to what they called, staying with Nagisa was what was important; it had been right from the beginning, when I realized how I felt for her. She wasn't some pitiful girl who had asked me to carry her up that hill, no, she was much more. She would support me upwards just as much as I would her; Ushio's cries filled the air in the times of silence, screaming from a distance.

"Nagisa, please wait, Nagisa!" I begged; this couldn't be the end. I would do whatever I could to cling onto her for as long as I could; minutes, hours, years. She had saved me in more ways than just one; this was my chance to make everything up to her, to return the favour, to prove I could really do something for her and save her just the same. "Let's talk a little more; you can just listen, okay?"

She didn't answer verbally, her eyes remained fixed upon us; Ushio and me. I couldn't think of anything to bring up other than Ushio, the fact that she had been born was like a miracle to me; a miracle I wasn't going to lose Nagisa by, she would pull through and we could live together.

"Look, it's our baby! She looks a bit like a monkey, doesn't she? She's so small, I'll try calling to her, okay?" I yammered, I knew Nagisa didn't have the strength left to keep answering whatever came out of my mouth, I was simply babbling just to keep her awake. Anything, everything, whatever I could do, I would. I turned my head to Ushio to follow through on what I had suggested, rocking my arms slightly to catch her attention, her arms were flailing aimlessly, like she was a young bird learning to fly or a fish that had swum out of its depth, Had I not been desperate for Nagisa to stay awake, I would have enjoyed the performance, maybe even laugh at the display she was putting on for us. "Ushio. I'm Daddy, Ushio" I began to her, the first thing I had really said in her direction. "Over there is Mummy, look".

She didn't comply with my wish, she turned her head away from me but not to gaze at Nagisa, she continued to panic and flail too much to bother listening to words we spoke. My head fell; it was amusing even now to see that she didn't care for what I had to say. Her defiance made me think of myself, my eyelids slid shut, allowing the tears I had held onto for so long to slide away from my eyes, allowing fresh ones to build the instant they opened again when I turned my head back to Nagisa, chuckling tiredly.

"She ignored me…"

Nagisa's eyes opened again in my field of vision, I know she would have loved to have joined in the atmosphere had she the strength, if only… Nonetheless, I continued on.

"She probably doesn't know, does she? I'm sure she'll grown really fast. Enter elementary school…" I didn't watch Nagisa's eyes, but they had fallen shut once again, my voice trailed on with whatever I could think of; the future with Ushio, the times that lied ahead for us. Thoughts of what things would be like in five years time, ten years time; each time Nagisa stood with us. My neck stretched at the prospect, holding my head high, the same power pouring into my voice, I could speak normally again. "Maybe Parents' Day or an athletic meet or something. It'll be our family! Even though I'm absolutely stupid when it comes to this".

At that moment my incessant babbling ceased, my smile of the future ahead faded. Nagisa looked more fatigued than before, her eyes were dulling, I gripped her hand tightly, she had to stay with us; she had to. Her eyes shut again, I assumed it was just another moment for her to pull together what she had to stay with us, but this wasn't the same. "Nagisa?" Her hand slipped from mine, someone had driven a dagger through my heart, my entire soul as it fell, she wasn't just sleeping and she would never pull a stunt, this was real. And I had tried to deny that, I had sunken into my own world obsessing over the years to come, yet Nagisa's will still hadn't been enough for her to fight on to survival. Her hand hit the sheet covering her body; I sucked in the air around me, staring at her still face, just waiting for her to open her eyes, I was begging for her to wake up. Clutching Ushio defensively, I shuffled closer, taking her hand and raising it from the futon. "Nagisa…Look, here's Ushio's cheek". I tugged on her arm, the same voice that had wanted to call at her to care about herself as much as she had Ushio arose again 'Come on, take it. Please don't die on me! Don't die on us!' She wouldn't touch Ushio by herself, I pleaded for her to do so. "Come on!"

But she didn't. She couldn't. I refused to believe that it had come to this, our lives together were supposed to be long and joyful. Ushio was the third part in our family, we couldn't lose Nagisa and that dream now. Her hand didn't lift to brush Ushio's cheek with her fingers; my eyes remained fixed upon her face; wishing for her eyes to open, just to show that she was still fighting. The only thing that came were memories, pouring into my mind, seeing the past happening again through my inner eye: Nagisa standing on the balcony clutching a basket of washing - Nagisa… - She stood beside the sink, cutting one of the ingredients for dinner, turning to me with a smile upon her face - You said you'd always be with me, didn't you? - Her expression staring at me was sceptic, dinner was boiling in the pot behind her; I had been messing with her over the quality of the food. She giggled when I confessed. We held hands strolling down the streets outside while the sun was setting, our shadows laid before us on the ground - You promised me many, many times, didn't you? - Standing outside of one of the many shops we visited together, she pulled a lolly upon two sticks apart, handing me the one in her left hand, blue as the sky or sea. Inside the house; she pet the green Dango atop the television resting beneath another pink one sitting on top of it. When she had been trimming my hair, sitting on her knees by my side - That was my dream - At night, we laid chest-to-chest in the dark, I would awaken many times in the night to see her face before mine, it made everything seem worthwhile, this was our reality - There was nothing good about living - She clutched the green Dango in her arms, gazing up at me with that perfect smile. The lazy summer day when I felt like doing nothing but lying on the floor and waiting for the heat to pass, she hadn't agreed. Instead, she began to clean the house, vacuuming the floor; eventually she nudged me without the intention, bringing her hand level with her mouth. It was like the fun revenge she had played that day - Someone like me, who went through such a crappy lifestyle - She stood in the doorway to the bathroom, handing me a towel, the instant my hand gripped it, she turned her head away, closing her eyes. Sunset eventually came each day, we would normally be together at that time, marvelling at the wonder of the sight, the way it painted to sky; we stood in the kitchen together with our backs to it. I wrapped my arm around her, resting it on her left shoulder away from me, bringing my face to her hair, the truth about our relationship would slip from my understanding, it had been one of those moments when the world was perfect and we could just stand together and praise the fact that we were together - …had finally found a dream! - She turned to me, closing her eyes happily as our faces aligned. Hey, Nagisa!

She continued to lie without movement; she hadn't been able to hear a word my soul had wept, the memories that had passed between us. Nagisa… I threw myself forward, wrapping my arm around her just the same as that time, but not with the joy of being together, able to hold and kiss and love each other. But with desperate intent of clinging onto her, to drag her back to us. I screamed her name one more time, just once more. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I had screamed her name, she just wouldn't open her eyes and look up at me. Our world faded into white, the memories flowing continued on, tormenting me with happy days we had shared together: I pulled her from the bench where Mei had set us up in order to make us seem like a real couple, she blushed standing beside me. Our names on the blackboard when we admitted our feelings for each other and began to date. She tilted her head in that cute manner, staring as if she had no clue. The other side of her that was lifting her fists in her determined fashion, almost like she was ready to fight; fight for what she believed and who she wanted to help. Giggling in that same way. Standing before me with Mei and Fujibayashi twins, while they celebrated, she simply watched on, an inspired look in her eyes. Pointing at Sunohara in one of those moments where he had done something stupid, she was trying to yell at him in a way only she could. Together we stood in the sunset, she was laughing in that same way, dressed for athletic training. The days outside of school that everyone would spend together, she stood between Kyou and Fujibayashi. The drama club's room where we began to spend every lunch together, meeting as often as we could, she and Fujibayashi staring like they were in trouble, smiling sheepishly. She and Fujibayashi had been close, even when we were all focusing on everyone else's problems, she stood with Kotomi who clutched that accursed violin, it was just like her to help out everyone that she could. It was something I truly loved about her despite that sometimes, it would lead into something we had only days to complete or solve, almost giving up our performance at the Founders' Festival. A memory of her talking to Kotomi followed. The night we had celebrated with Fuuko, awaking to find that she had vanished and we were left sleeping together in the empty classroom. The night she had found all the momentums of her parents' acting careers and began to blame herself, the breakdown she suffered. The way she blushed, the way she cried, the way she would rush forward for the reasons she had set out to do. Sitting in the courtyard in the first days after we met, I would pity her and sit with her when she was always alone. Then she came to me, sitting the opposite end of my desk occasionally when we met. She moved forward again, making her way towards the hill's summit, even passing me by.

Together we had met at the foot of that hill and together we stood there once again. No sun, no sky, just sakura petals gradually falling in the non-existent wind, Nagisa's back to me. It was that day all over again.

"Do you like this school?" she asked, her voice was so angelic, there was a hint of an echo. This was nothing more than a memory; it was just the day I wish I could set right and let her move onto a better life. One where I wouldn't have dragged her down. "I really, really like it. But nothing can remain the same forever…Even fun and happy things, nothing stays that way forever. Even then, can you still bring yourself to this place?"

Nagisa…You were the real reason I dragged myself there after that day, how could I return there without you by my side. All of those joyful memories we shared on that school campus, in this city. None of them meant anything without you here to prove they existed. 'Fun and happy memories', eh? They had all just come to an end. I can't be happy without you; a life on my own is nothing but the same dull existence I endured before you came into my life, to bring light and hope into my life, a purpose. I could never bring up Ushio like you would, I would only mess her up in the same way that my father and I fought. Ushio would have the same life I had, especially when she had five extra years without her mother, an existence where she couldn't turn to the one that had brought her into the world. Nagisa…

She turned to me, strolling down the path away from the hill, her climb was over. I tried to call out; holding myself back when I realized this was my chance to let her live a real life in that dream world. Her eyes didn't meet me; I couldn't bring her down again. So she passed, we were nameless strangers. She carried on, fading into the white, the sakura trees overhead sinking into a blue aura, the petals shrivelling up. We should have never met, neither to go out with her nor propose. Ushio wouldn't have been born and Nagisa would still live on. I was prepared to give up Ushio's life in exchange for Nagisa's. Selfish maybe, but Nagisa deserved more in life, she had faced Death once before and lived. Pops had brought up that story, that site was being constructed into a hospital. Maybe that had been a burden upon Nagisa's soul; she had been linked with that site. Was that the reason I was powerless to save her? What about the orbs of light we had spoken of recently? The orbs that one would gain when they had found true happiness in every inch of their soul? I had felt like that every day with Nagisa and yet I hadn't been able to fulfil the promise we had made, my wish had been left forsaken. I would never attain one without Nagisa in my life. Hope had died, happiness had died, Nagisa… Nagisa had passed on and I had been powerless to save her. I was worthless, just as I had been the days before we met.

"Nagisa!"

I felt myself pulled back, I didn't understand. Then the real world came into focus, the sight of Nagisa laying in her peaceful eternal sleep returned in my eyes. The hands that had pulled my body up twisted my torso around, my weary and damp eyes met the sight of Pops who stared at me; not in the usual furious manner that would be same test, but a sombre look.

"What were you trying to do? Suffocate her?" he choked. Normally those words had been filled with hollow rage or some determination in setting a challenge. But they were hollow without any emotion.

"Why…" I breathed. "Why would I want to harm Nagisa?" My voice had broken down again, baring even less emotion than his.

"Screw the snow, we've got to get her to the hospital" he called, looking over his shoulder.

Why? They continued to fight on even though Nagisa couldn't understand anymore. I softened my grip on Ushio; she was still wailing and screaming without a clue of what had happened. Or did she know? I stared at her, not with the thrill of the future ahead, but rather with a bitter sadness. The loss we had suffered, I didn't want to blame her, but injustice had been dealt upon her arrival into the world. The door she had passed through to life had closed behind Nagisa on the other side. I distanced her from my torso, presenting her to Pops. His eyes met the sight when he turned back to us, I wasn't looking at her; I wasn't looking at him. I was just staring without any target.

"Huh?" he sounded. I didn't reply, but Ushio was lifted from my hands, my eyes rose to follow her path upwards, finding Sanae-san clutching Ushio to her chest, smiling gently at me through the streams of tears that flowed from her eyes to her chin, her neck had dampened from the endless sea of tears.

"It's alright. I understand. You want to stay by Nagisa's side. I'll take care of Ushio-chan until we get to the hospital, they'll probably want to look over her when we get there" she muttered, her voice strained. Nagisa's death had strained them without a doubt, they were her parents; people would say that parents should never have to bury their children. But they had faced losing her once before, that was why they had taken to opening a bakery instead of continuing their acting careers. I turned from them, gazing at Nagisa, my hand met hers. She was still so warm, all the effort she had put into giving birth to Ushio; it had yet to fade. I gazed at the clock close to the Dango trio atop the television; it was almost two in the morning. Nagisa had gone into labour some time ago, I couldn't even remember if it had been the morning or the afternoon. It was no surprise she had been so exhausted, we all were. I tightened my grip on her hand, our finger slipping between the opening between each other's, my nails met her knuckles, but hers didn't touch mine, not this time. My eyes fell shut; tears sliding down again, just as Sanae-san, my neck had become damp from the tears that hadn't travelled just to my chin but further down.

My back began to bend, my forehead meeting our hands. I just wanted to fall asleep with her there, follow her to wherever she had gone and leave reality behind. The pain it would cause those we cared about would be unbearable, but no-one else mattered to me at that time. It was just Nagisa and myself. My eyes fell shut, the voices of the others beginning to echo just as they had when Nagisa and I had been in our own world of white. There was no white in this world; there was no light, no warmth, and no hope. It was an empty world of darkness. Thee one Nagisa had brought me from and the one I had sunk back into without her to guide me up the hill to the place she stood. I didn't care about anything anymore; that had been my flaw, just like those days with Sunohara after we had both left our sporting potentials in the past, there was nothing for us. That was what we had believed when we blinded ourselves from the world. But this time, there really was nothing for me, without Nagisa…

Sunohara, Kyou, Kotomi, Fujibayashi, Tomoyo, Mei, Sanae-san, Pops, Ushio. They had all been elements in bringing Nagisa and I together, to bring our hands to join as one; to love and kiss and give life. What was there for me without her? Even if I had to give up the love we shared, if I could have gone back, I would have never called out to her, just so that she could live beyond this day, just so that she could live a full existence, not to sacrifice herself.

We should have never met…for Nagisa's sake.


Next time

"Why? Why had this happened? And to us. Fate had been paying with us since the days we were born, this city, everything about it. I hate this place more than before the days we met".

Chapter Two - Illusions without Light


Originally, I thought of this after ~After Story~ 16 when the preview for Episode 17 moved so far ahead. There were hints about Tomoya's lifestyle, but how he felt wasn't really explored, only what people had to say. Plus I love Tomoya and Nagisa, I wanted to explore them more deeply, but this was the first idea for a Clannad fic I coud come up with. Plus I wanted to see the end of the series before I posted, hoping that the anime would deliever the happy ending that Tomoya so badly deserved. It's been a number of years since I tried writing in first-person, so I'm still rusty. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed enough to review. *bows*

- CuteYami, 13th March 2009