Promises
Burning_Tyger
Qui-Gon makes a promise to the woman he loves, but will he be able to keep it? Doesn't follow Jedi Apprentice series cannon; I've held on to this fic for awhile.
AN: Guess what? I DIDN'T fall off the planet! I know, cut off all the celebrations, cause I'm back. ;) I wrote a marathon Moulin Rouge story (Shameless self-promotion: It's called "Homeward Bound") and exhausted my muse. But she's back, I'm back, and chaos has ensued.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places, scenes, or ideas except Jessa, and I don't like her very much anyway, okay? (If you want to put her in a story, although I can't see who would, more power to you.) So leave the happy little teenager alone.
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Don't go making all these promises
You know you cannot keep
There's a time to play the king and a time to be a thief
Cause if you're making all these promises
You know you cannot keep
You know time will be the thief
And your fallen king will end up alone.
--"Promises," by Savage Garden (who apparently are no longer a group. *sniffle, sob*)
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"Anakin!" Shmi called from inside. "I'm not going to tell you again: it's bedtime!"
Qui-Gon said something to the boy, who scurried back obediently in response. Shmi tucked the boy in, kissing him lightly and wondering to herself why she felt so strange.
*It could be the last time you do this,* she thought. She stood up and left quickly so that he would not see the tears gathering in her eyes. She checked to make sure that the girl and that odd-looking creature (What had Qui-Gon called it? A Gun-gun?) didn't need anything, smiling through her held-back tears. She knew Anakin would win that race tomorrow, and that she could never go with him. His future was his own, and she could not follow him.
She found herself drawn to the balcony, to the soft starlit evening.
To the man she knew would be waiting there.
She stood next to him, leaning gently against the low balcony wall. "You will take care of him for me?"
He looked down from the velvet sky, found her looking anxiously up at him. "As far as I am able," he said, gazing back out at the stars.
"He looks up to you like the father he never had."
He paused, and his eyes looked distant and unfocused. "A father he'll not have for long."
She shivered, though the night was warm. *What was that supposed to mean?* It was the second time today he'd done that, seeming to be in another world rather than here in front of her, where she preferred him. "I wish I could join you."
"For Anakin?"
"Yes...but not only for him."
"I know."
"Will you come back?" She hadn't meant to ask it, but the words were already out of her mouth: too late.
"I couldn't simply leave you here."
But when? How long would it be before she saw him again?
She was suddenly aware of how close they were standing, and she backed away just slightly, trying to change the topic. "Do all Jedi lead such solitary lives?" *Bad idea!* her mind shouted at her. *You might find out things you don't want to know.*
"We may choose to; some of us do find partners, though."
"Which choice did you make?" she asked quietly.
"The chance for a real relationship has never presented itself. We have the freedom; we do not always have the opportunity. It is not as boring as it may seem."
"But there are times when you wish for more." It wasn't even a question.
"Yes," he agreed thoughtfully, "there are times." He turned to her and his eyes sparkled with a clarity that rivaled the stars. He did not have to tell her that this was one of those times; they both knew it.
He reached down and took her hand. He pulled her gently closer to him, and Shmi came willingly. This was what she had wanted, what she had hoped for, ever since the tall Knight had appeared in the doorway through the blowing Tatooine sands. She suddenly realized how much she had missed over the years, how many chances she had passed up...
But they wouldn't have been like this. No other man could be so strong and yet so gentle at the same time. He was everything she had ever needed, ever wanted, and she loved him.
He was leading her inside now, but she pulled up short. "Anakin...the others," she murmured.
"They'll hear nothing," he answered softly. "I made sure."
Had he known all along where this would end up? Had he expected this from the beginning? It was something to think about...later.
She stood inside the bedroom and reached fumblingly for the light switch on the wall. He caught her hand. "We don't need it," he whispered. "The stars will be enough." He kissed her, long and passionate, and they lay down together.
~~
They were leaving. The Gungan, Padmè, Anakin...and Qui-Gon. Until this morning, after waking up in Qui-Gon's arms, she never dreamed that her son would really *leave* her, and now she was thinking more of his master than of her own flesh and blood.
Qui-Gon laid a hand on her shoulder. "You will be all right here?"
She nodded. "I have survived this long as a slave; another few days shall not kill me."
"I am afraid it may be slightly longer than that."
He was doing it again, that calm tone hiding obscure feelings. He was shutting her out, and she knew it. She didn't want them to go; she didn't want to say good-bye to her son, or to her...lover... "Are you sure you won't stay any longer?"
"I'm sorry. My apprentice will have finished the repairs by now, and the Queen must get to Coruscant as soon as possible. The fate of Naboo and perhaps the galaxy depends on it."
"It's quite a burden to put on a child."
"No," Qui-Gon corrected, looking over at Anakin, who was talking animatedly with Jar-Jar Binks. "That burden rests on two such children." He suddenly felt that neither Amidala nor Anakin would be one of those two who would save the galaxy. That destiny would belong to others, and he would not live to see it come.
"I will come back," he promised.
"I'll be waiting," she said softly. "Stars protect you - all of you."
She watched as they made for the outskirts of the town, feeling a peculiar heaviness in her heart. She suddenly had quite a few doubts as to whether she would see this handsome and brave Jedi Master again. *Take care of him,* she thought desperately.
He never paused, never turned, but the words rang clear in her mind. *I promised,* he said silently, and she doubted him no more.
Shmi smiled at the figures, now invisible in the distance, and went back inside.
~~
"Shmi."
The whispered word was urgent, and she never considered ignoring it. She answered without realizing it was impossible; with some things, it was better not to question. "What is it?" she breathed.
Qui-Gon's voice spoke as if he was standing in the room; but Shmi owned no comlink.
"I don't know if I can keep my promise."
It was as though he'd slapped her in the face. "What do you mean? You told me you'd be back."
"I will; but when I come, I cannot take you with me."
"Why? Qui-Gon, would you please just *tell* me!"
"I can't do that to you, Shmi. I'm not fully sure myself. You'll know eventually, but I can't tell you now. All I can say is...goodbye."
"For how long?"
"It is not for me to decide."
"But you will return?" she asked frantically.
"I promise."
~~
"So who was he?"
Jessa grinned knowingly at Shmi, who was bent low over Watto's near-indecipherable bookkeeping. The slightly elder woman looked up momentarily then went back to her work. "A guest," she replied lightly.
"Must've been a pretty special guest, the two o' you standin' up on the balcony like that."
Shmi paused without looking up. "Don't you have anything better to do than sit around spying on people?" Her calm and precise tone was the complete counterpoint to Jessa's rough peasant's accent. "He was a friend...and that's all."
"What kind o' friend?" Jessa insinuated. When that brought no reply, she switched tactics. "He's not from 'round here, that much I could tell. Will you see him again?"
"He promised." She shivered slightly as she said it, wondering if he would indeed be able to keep that promise.
The other woman grinned wolfishly. *In other words, you satisfied him,* she thought. She went back to cleaning up the cluttered office for a few moments before asking lightly, "Was he Anakin's father?"
Shmi started at the unexpected question. Her hand hit the old holoplayer on the corner of the desk, and it fell with a dull thud on the sandy floor. She cursed softly as she picked it up, examining it for damage. It was repairable, she supposed, looking it over slowly. All this was giving her time to prepare her answer to Jessa.
"No," she said, struggling to keep her voice even. "But Ani looks up to him as one."
"Where is he, anyway?"
Shmi looked up, placing the broken holoplayer to the side. "Who, Qui-Gon?"
*Ah, we have a name.* "I meant Anakin."
There was no mistaking the mixture of joy and sorrow that danced on her face. "He's been freed. I couldn't go with him, so Qui-Gon is taking him to Coruscant. He's going to be a J-" she froze, wondering how much she could trust Jessa.
But she hadn't even heard her break off. "He's been *freed?*" she asked in awe. "Your friend must have been a Jedi to con Watto into that."
Shmi hid a smile. "Mind tricks don't work on Toydarians, Jessa. Watto gambled and lost. He might be a crooked businessman, but he knows enough to make good on his bets."
The other woman sighed. "I wish someone like that would stop by to sleep with *me.*"
"What have I said to give you the impression that I slept with him?"
"He's a man, you're a woman, and you spent the night in the same house. Technically, you slept with him."
Shmi shook her head, closed the updated ledger, and left the office. Jessa's suppositions were getting dangerously close to the truth.
~~
Shmi awoke in a panic. Her heart was pounding, and despite the chill of the desert night, her light blanket clung about her. For an instant it was nothing, just a strange dream. Then through her mind she heard their conversation from only a few nights ago in an entirely new light.
--You will take care of him for me?
--As far as I am able.
--He looks up to you like the father he never had.
--A father he'll not have for long.
The words, which had sounded so innocent and simple a few nights ago, crashed against her like a tidal wave...but of course there were no tidal waves on this desolate planet. A silent, painful cry ripped and echoed through the Force, and she knew.
*He was gone.*
She pressed her knuckles to her lip to keep from crying out. The walls were painfully thin, and if Anakin were to hear her...but he was no longer there.
Anakin. Who would take care of him now? Qui-Gon's apprentice? But was he ready? Was Ani?
Why him? Why Qui-Gon? Why not her, or Watto, or anyone who hadn't led such an honorable life? *Why him?*
Thoughts blew through her mind like dust in a sandstorm. She couldn't hold one to any one idea at a time; they sifted through her fingers as though they were immaterial.
She stood up shakily and made her way slowly to the kitchen. She felt as though she'd aged ten years in the past ten seconds. She could see the stars out the small window. That they could keep burning, that their planets could continue revolving, seemed impossible. He was *dead;* didn't they know? Her world had suddenly frozen in its place, her heart a cold and heavy lump in her chest. It wasn't fair! He had told her - no, *promised* her - that he would come back. He had broken his word to her, betrayed her trust.
But she couldn't think about that now. She fixed a cup of tea and sat down; there was no question of getting any more sleep that night. She sipped the warm drink slowly, and she did not cry.
~~
Jessa had to pick that day to mention it. "Your gentleman friend hasn't shown up again, has he? You two have a little lovers' spat?"
Shmi sucked in a breath as she tried to control herself. Her ears rang and she heard Jessa's voice becoming distant. Then her mind suddenly cleared, and she left as soon as possible, not bothering to be polite.
The rest of the day passed in a mechanical haze. Not even Watto's harsh cynicism could not pull her out of this endless misery. He struck her once for not paying attention; in her stupor it sent her sprawling. She wished more than ever that Qui-Gon had never gone, that he was still here to protect her. She clung to the thought of Anakin, of her hopes for him: only this kept her from plunging into despair.
That night, the carefully built dam finally broke. The ice that surrounded her emotions thawed, leaving a swirling flood of pain and anger in its wake. "You said you'd take care of Anakin!" she sobbed furiously. "You told me you'd come back - damn you, Qui-Gon, you *promised*!"
"I had every intention of keeping that promise."
Startled out of her tears, she looked up. It wasn't possible! But there he was, standing before her and surrounded by an odd sort of bluish mist. Bold in her surprise, she reached up tentatively. Her fingers lightly brushed his cheek. He was *there,* but insubstantial, somehow, as though he was wreathed in mist. "Are - are you..."
"Real? That would depend on your point of view."
She found herself unable to meet his eyes. "I felt it," she said, looking out at the glowing stars. "I knew when you - when you...but are you dead or alive?"
"I have moved from this plane of existence into the next."
So much for a straight, yes-or-no answer. "You mean you're dead," she thought out loud.
"As far as this life is concerned."
"What is it like?" she asked, too stunned to be devastated.
"That I cannot tell you. It is very different, but not unpleasant."
She hesitated. "But why me? Why did you choose to come here?"
"I am not accustomed to breaking promises. And I wanted you to understand something. I never meant for this to be a one-night-stand; it was so much more meaningful than that. I had every intention of coming back...alive, as you put it, but it was not to be. I had waited all my life for someone like you." He smiled faintly. "It seems that fate is not without a sense of irony."
"When - if you had come back," she asked, her voice faltering, "would you have asked me to - would you have...what we talked about on the balcony -"
"Yes."
She bit back the bitter tears of suddenly rampant emotions. "I - I don't know what else there is to say. Why - why did you come? Do you know how hard it is to look at you and to know that nothing we've dreamed of will happen?"
"I know," he said mournfully. "But as I said, I am not in the habit of betraying the trust of others."
"But you didn't come all this way just to chat."
"I wanted you to know what you meant to me; that I really did plan to return to you."
"Have you seen Anakin?"
"I have *seen* a great many people."
"Does he know that you're still - well, that you're still there, should he need you?"
"Anakin knows that I am gone and I am not coming back. For now it is best if he continues to believe that."
She nodded. "Who will take care of him now? Your Padawan?"
"Obi-Wan is no longer an apprentice. He was granted the rank of full Jedi Knight yesterday...I am sure he will take good care of Anakin."
Shmi noticed that he made no promises, and it disturbed her slightly. "Do you really believe that?"
"Of course."
She smiled. "And I know you wouldn't say anything you didn't really mean."
Suddenly a voice blared from outside. "Hey. Are you talking to someone in there?"
"Jessa." Shmi looked out and saw that the stars were already dimming with the suns-rise.
"I believe I'd better go, " he said, brushing her cheek with his fingertips. It was odd, how he was so real and yet unreal at the same time. "Till we meet again." Then he was gone.
And Shmi knew beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt, that she would see him again, very soon.
~~
The holo-recording arrived a few days later, only slightly worse for the wear and long trip. A tiny package was with it, but she was more curious to see the recording. She waited until Jessa had left, then she slid the chip into the newly repaired holoplayer and sat back. A young man - it could only be Qui-Gon's apprentice - introduced himself and painfully explained the circumstances that surrounded Qui-Gon's death.
Although his words were calm, he looked as though he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Shmi pitied him; to be so young and be faced with a loss like that...
He reported that Anakin was doing all right. *Probably better than *he* is,* Shmi thought. Her son was to be trained at the Jedi Temple until his thirteenth birthday, when the Masters would judge if the boy was ready to become a Padawan. He gave her a way to contact him and Anakin, should the need arise.
Then he mentioned the small box that now lay on the table. "Yoda found it in Qui-Gon's things," he explained, emotion half-choking him. "I - I'm sorry he couldn't give it to you himself, but...he'd want you to have it anyway."
She paused the recording and reached curiously for the object, unwrapping the layer of protective covering with suddenly trembling hands. Inside was a tiny velvet box containing a diamond ring. Exhilaration and regret mixed painfully within her, and she wept for him.
~~
She was washing the dishes when he came. There weren't all that many to do with Anakin gone; but she didn't turn. There was a moment of silence between them that she was somehow reluctant to break.
"Why haven't you spoken with Obi-Wan?"
If he was taken aback by her abrupt question, he did not show it. "He's twenty standard years old; I am sure he is perfectly capable of caring for Anakin once he is old enough to be trained as a -"
"That's not what I meant," she broke in gently, finally facing him. "Haven't you seen it, or are you pretending not to notice? The boy is *devastated,* Qui-Gon. He thought the galaxy of you; do you know that? Gods, he looks like he's about to lose his mind! Do you want me to trust my son's future to someone half-mad with grief?
"But this isn't just about Anakin," she continued, only half-hearing the words she herself was saying. "Obi-Wan has other responsibilities. If he is called upon to help, how much good will it to do have him lost in this melancholy? He's so afraid of doing something wrong. He couldn't possibly know what to do, how to help Anakin...You need to go back to him," she pleaded. "If - if Anakin really is this 'chosen one,' then his fate can hardly be thrust upon the shoulders of one Jedi Knight barely out of his teens, no matter how powerful he may be. A man very much like you once told me that power and wisdom should not be confused, and he was right. Please, help him...for Anakin's and his own sake."
It was quite possibly the largest stand she'd ever taken in her adult life. Qui-Gon gazed thoughtfully past her in a manner she found to be extremely unnerving. Then he glanced up at her, and his eyes held the spark that she had seen in him while he was alive. He nodded slowly. Then, without seeming to change at all, he was gone.
Shmi sank down in her chair, surprised to find her hands shaking. Had she offended him? Was he angry enough never to come back? Would Obi-Wan truly care for Anakin as well as Qui-Gon had said? She had so many, many unanswerable questions, and all she could do was wait.
~~
She left the junk shop the next day to find a young man leaning against the doorway of her dwelling. "If you're looking for Jessa, she lives two doors down," she commented dryly, knowing well of her hypocritical neighbor's male visitors.
"I'm not looking for Jessa," he said, stepping away from the wall. She caught a familiar glimmer in his blue eyes; hidden by the dazzling sunlight, there was the slightest corona of indigo about him.
"*Qui-Gon?*" She caught herself quickly, casting a furtive glance at the semi-deserted street, lowering her voice to a whisper. "Can everyone see you, or is it just me?"
He just smiled; a cocky, roguish grin that rather befitted this young Jedi more than the man he would (had?) become.
She rolled her eyes, but couldn't help smiling. "So to any casual passerby, I'm holding a spirited conversation with the doorway?"
"Exactly."
She sighed, reached past him to unlock the door, and he walked with her inside - not that he couldn't have just waited for her there, to save time.
"So why are you like this? Does time run backwards in wherever-it-is?"
"It doesn't always run backwards. Time is fluid: we can move any direction in it. I can reach a distant galaxy in an instant, and then be back the next. In a way, it's a fairly daunting prospect."
She smiled wryly. "Well, since I do not have the much-wished-for privilege of making myself younger, I would suggest you grow up, Qui-Gon Jinn."
He grinned again, and his form faded and grew slightly taller before solidifying again. "Satisfied?" he asked, more solemnly.
Shmi caught the change from carefree to serious immediately. She wanted to ask him about it, but it wasn't her business. Perhaps later she would ask what had changed him, but now didn't seem to be the time.
"Did you talk to -"
"Yes."
"And?"
"I think he'll be all right. He doesn't know I've appeared to anyone else - and it is rather tiring - so if you must contact him, don't tell him."
She nodded. "You don't have to do this so - so often," she offered painfully, "if it's too much effort."
"What better reason could I possibly have?"
She smiled, but her eyes were wistful. "I just wish we could - that you were - "
"Wishing won't change anything, and you know that," he replied gently.
"Oh...but I want so much to *see* you again!"
"Are you not seeing me now?"
She looked away. "You know that's not what I meant."
All she wanted for herself was to lie there with him like she had - could it only have been ten days ago? - indulging in the utter joy of life. Life that only one of them still had. She wanted it more than her freedom, very nearly as much as she hoped for Anakin's safety.
She brushed a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. He noticed with a small start that she was wearing the ring he'd planned to give her on her right hand, in the manner of a widow.
"You can't change the past," he told her.
"If - if we could, would you have stayed the next night?"
"Shmi, this won't help either one of us. Dwelling on my death is one of the last things you should be doing right now. You have to move on."
Tears came involuntarily to her eyes, but she pushed them back in a burst of will. "You're right," she conceded quietly. "It won't do me any good to remember, but you can hardly expect me to forget."
"I certainly hope not," he said with a tired little smile.
She flinched inwardly. "I'm sorry; it must take incredible effort to come back like this, and here I am living in the past. I just...wish things had been different."
"As do I," he said softly. "As do I." And then he was gone, so quickly that she barely realized it at first. She slept untroubled that night: Anakin was in good hands, and Qui-Gon was sure to come back.
Even the life of a slave could be all right sometimes.
~~
Having not heard about the mysterious visitor for over a week, Jessa had given up on asking Shmi about him. However, that did not prevent her from planting herself "inconspicuously" across the street, should he ever show up. She hoped that her friend would say something, but she never spoke another word about the handsome stranger. The idea of a tall, dark rescuer was so romantic! No matter what Shmi said (or didn't say), Jessa entertained her own ideas about their relationship.
Once Shmi had appeared to be speaking to a barely visible heat shimmer in front of the wall: was she going crazy? It worried Jessa. If Watto found out, he would sell her as fast as possible, probably to some horrid mining colony on a forgotten little Rim outpost. She didn't want that to happen, for the stranger as well as for Shmi.
Jessa made up her mind to keep her friend's odd behavior to herself, and settled in to watch and wait.
~~
The next time he showed up, things seemed different, wrong somehow. He appeared in the kitchen doorway, but he didn't sit down. The sparkle of mischief/defiance in his eyes had dimmed.
Shmi knew something wasn't right. "What is it?" she asked, concerned.
He sighed heavily, as though he had made a nearly impossible decision. "I spoke with Master Windu this morning."
She nodded, not entirely understanding the relevance to his moodiness. "What did he say?"
"It was more of what he didn't say than what he said." He stopped, hesitated uncharacteristically. "Shmi, we have to stop doing this."
She groped for a chair and sat down slowly. It was like a bad fall; she was so startled that she couldn't quite take it all in.
"I'm sorry. But like it or not, I'm *dead*. Coming back to you like this, on a regular basis...It's blurring the line between life and death. Mace disapproves, which on its own makes me apt to keep doing it. But I think, for once, he's right."
Her shocked mind was just beginning to come to terms with this information. "Why? What's so wrong with it?"
"If I was still alive, it would be different, but I'm not, and sooner or later you'll have to accept that fact. You belong in this world, I belong in another, and there is no way to change it. It's Romeo and Juliet all over again, but I can't help it."
"Who?"
"Oh...a love story by a poet from a tiny planet in another galaxy. It won't be written for decades yet. Basically, two people get into a forbidden romance, and they both end up dead. I don't want that to happen to you."
*Time travel,* she remembered. He could spend years in another galaxy, a thousand years into the future, and return five minutes before he left. The very thought made her head spin. So there was another point for his side. It would never work, at least not while she was stuck here in this life.
"You're right," she said, her heart aching.
He moved to kiss her, with the odd touch of his almost-being. "I'll be waiting," he whispered.
She pulled back, uncertain. "I - I will see you again someday, won't I?"
Only his eyes gave away the smile he hid. "Of course," he said, stroking her cheek one last time. "I promise."
Burning_Tyger
Qui-Gon makes a promise to the woman he loves, but will he be able to keep it? Doesn't follow Jedi Apprentice series cannon; I've held on to this fic for awhile.
AN: Guess what? I DIDN'T fall off the planet! I know, cut off all the celebrations, cause I'm back. ;) I wrote a marathon Moulin Rouge story (Shameless self-promotion: It's called "Homeward Bound") and exhausted my muse. But she's back, I'm back, and chaos has ensued.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places, scenes, or ideas except Jessa, and I don't like her very much anyway, okay? (If you want to put her in a story, although I can't see who would, more power to you.) So leave the happy little teenager alone.
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Don't go making all these promises
You know you cannot keep
There's a time to play the king and a time to be a thief
Cause if you're making all these promises
You know you cannot keep
You know time will be the thief
And your fallen king will end up alone.
--"Promises," by Savage Garden (who apparently are no longer a group. *sniffle, sob*)
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"Anakin!" Shmi called from inside. "I'm not going to tell you again: it's bedtime!"
Qui-Gon said something to the boy, who scurried back obediently in response. Shmi tucked the boy in, kissing him lightly and wondering to herself why she felt so strange.
*It could be the last time you do this,* she thought. She stood up and left quickly so that he would not see the tears gathering in her eyes. She checked to make sure that the girl and that odd-looking creature (What had Qui-Gon called it? A Gun-gun?) didn't need anything, smiling through her held-back tears. She knew Anakin would win that race tomorrow, and that she could never go with him. His future was his own, and she could not follow him.
She found herself drawn to the balcony, to the soft starlit evening.
To the man she knew would be waiting there.
She stood next to him, leaning gently against the low balcony wall. "You will take care of him for me?"
He looked down from the velvet sky, found her looking anxiously up at him. "As far as I am able," he said, gazing back out at the stars.
"He looks up to you like the father he never had."
He paused, and his eyes looked distant and unfocused. "A father he'll not have for long."
She shivered, though the night was warm. *What was that supposed to mean?* It was the second time today he'd done that, seeming to be in another world rather than here in front of her, where she preferred him. "I wish I could join you."
"For Anakin?"
"Yes...but not only for him."
"I know."
"Will you come back?" She hadn't meant to ask it, but the words were already out of her mouth: too late.
"I couldn't simply leave you here."
But when? How long would it be before she saw him again?
She was suddenly aware of how close they were standing, and she backed away just slightly, trying to change the topic. "Do all Jedi lead such solitary lives?" *Bad idea!* her mind shouted at her. *You might find out things you don't want to know.*
"We may choose to; some of us do find partners, though."
"Which choice did you make?" she asked quietly.
"The chance for a real relationship has never presented itself. We have the freedom; we do not always have the opportunity. It is not as boring as it may seem."
"But there are times when you wish for more." It wasn't even a question.
"Yes," he agreed thoughtfully, "there are times." He turned to her and his eyes sparkled with a clarity that rivaled the stars. He did not have to tell her that this was one of those times; they both knew it.
He reached down and took her hand. He pulled her gently closer to him, and Shmi came willingly. This was what she had wanted, what she had hoped for, ever since the tall Knight had appeared in the doorway through the blowing Tatooine sands. She suddenly realized how much she had missed over the years, how many chances she had passed up...
But they wouldn't have been like this. No other man could be so strong and yet so gentle at the same time. He was everything she had ever needed, ever wanted, and she loved him.
He was leading her inside now, but she pulled up short. "Anakin...the others," she murmured.
"They'll hear nothing," he answered softly. "I made sure."
Had he known all along where this would end up? Had he expected this from the beginning? It was something to think about...later.
She stood inside the bedroom and reached fumblingly for the light switch on the wall. He caught her hand. "We don't need it," he whispered. "The stars will be enough." He kissed her, long and passionate, and they lay down together.
~~
They were leaving. The Gungan, Padmè, Anakin...and Qui-Gon. Until this morning, after waking up in Qui-Gon's arms, she never dreamed that her son would really *leave* her, and now she was thinking more of his master than of her own flesh and blood.
Qui-Gon laid a hand on her shoulder. "You will be all right here?"
She nodded. "I have survived this long as a slave; another few days shall not kill me."
"I am afraid it may be slightly longer than that."
He was doing it again, that calm tone hiding obscure feelings. He was shutting her out, and she knew it. She didn't want them to go; she didn't want to say good-bye to her son, or to her...lover... "Are you sure you won't stay any longer?"
"I'm sorry. My apprentice will have finished the repairs by now, and the Queen must get to Coruscant as soon as possible. The fate of Naboo and perhaps the galaxy depends on it."
"It's quite a burden to put on a child."
"No," Qui-Gon corrected, looking over at Anakin, who was talking animatedly with Jar-Jar Binks. "That burden rests on two such children." He suddenly felt that neither Amidala nor Anakin would be one of those two who would save the galaxy. That destiny would belong to others, and he would not live to see it come.
"I will come back," he promised.
"I'll be waiting," she said softly. "Stars protect you - all of you."
She watched as they made for the outskirts of the town, feeling a peculiar heaviness in her heart. She suddenly had quite a few doubts as to whether she would see this handsome and brave Jedi Master again. *Take care of him,* she thought desperately.
He never paused, never turned, but the words rang clear in her mind. *I promised,* he said silently, and she doubted him no more.
Shmi smiled at the figures, now invisible in the distance, and went back inside.
~~
"Shmi."
The whispered word was urgent, and she never considered ignoring it. She answered without realizing it was impossible; with some things, it was better not to question. "What is it?" she breathed.
Qui-Gon's voice spoke as if he was standing in the room; but Shmi owned no comlink.
"I don't know if I can keep my promise."
It was as though he'd slapped her in the face. "What do you mean? You told me you'd be back."
"I will; but when I come, I cannot take you with me."
"Why? Qui-Gon, would you please just *tell* me!"
"I can't do that to you, Shmi. I'm not fully sure myself. You'll know eventually, but I can't tell you now. All I can say is...goodbye."
"For how long?"
"It is not for me to decide."
"But you will return?" she asked frantically.
"I promise."
~~
"So who was he?"
Jessa grinned knowingly at Shmi, who was bent low over Watto's near-indecipherable bookkeeping. The slightly elder woman looked up momentarily then went back to her work. "A guest," she replied lightly.
"Must've been a pretty special guest, the two o' you standin' up on the balcony like that."
Shmi paused without looking up. "Don't you have anything better to do than sit around spying on people?" Her calm and precise tone was the complete counterpoint to Jessa's rough peasant's accent. "He was a friend...and that's all."
"What kind o' friend?" Jessa insinuated. When that brought no reply, she switched tactics. "He's not from 'round here, that much I could tell. Will you see him again?"
"He promised." She shivered slightly as she said it, wondering if he would indeed be able to keep that promise.
The other woman grinned wolfishly. *In other words, you satisfied him,* she thought. She went back to cleaning up the cluttered office for a few moments before asking lightly, "Was he Anakin's father?"
Shmi started at the unexpected question. Her hand hit the old holoplayer on the corner of the desk, and it fell with a dull thud on the sandy floor. She cursed softly as she picked it up, examining it for damage. It was repairable, she supposed, looking it over slowly. All this was giving her time to prepare her answer to Jessa.
"No," she said, struggling to keep her voice even. "But Ani looks up to him as one."
"Where is he, anyway?"
Shmi looked up, placing the broken holoplayer to the side. "Who, Qui-Gon?"
*Ah, we have a name.* "I meant Anakin."
There was no mistaking the mixture of joy and sorrow that danced on her face. "He's been freed. I couldn't go with him, so Qui-Gon is taking him to Coruscant. He's going to be a J-" she froze, wondering how much she could trust Jessa.
But she hadn't even heard her break off. "He's been *freed?*" she asked in awe. "Your friend must have been a Jedi to con Watto into that."
Shmi hid a smile. "Mind tricks don't work on Toydarians, Jessa. Watto gambled and lost. He might be a crooked businessman, but he knows enough to make good on his bets."
The other woman sighed. "I wish someone like that would stop by to sleep with *me.*"
"What have I said to give you the impression that I slept with him?"
"He's a man, you're a woman, and you spent the night in the same house. Technically, you slept with him."
Shmi shook her head, closed the updated ledger, and left the office. Jessa's suppositions were getting dangerously close to the truth.
~~
Shmi awoke in a panic. Her heart was pounding, and despite the chill of the desert night, her light blanket clung about her. For an instant it was nothing, just a strange dream. Then through her mind she heard their conversation from only a few nights ago in an entirely new light.
--You will take care of him for me?
--As far as I am able.
--He looks up to you like the father he never had.
--A father he'll not have for long.
The words, which had sounded so innocent and simple a few nights ago, crashed against her like a tidal wave...but of course there were no tidal waves on this desolate planet. A silent, painful cry ripped and echoed through the Force, and she knew.
*He was gone.*
She pressed her knuckles to her lip to keep from crying out. The walls were painfully thin, and if Anakin were to hear her...but he was no longer there.
Anakin. Who would take care of him now? Qui-Gon's apprentice? But was he ready? Was Ani?
Why him? Why Qui-Gon? Why not her, or Watto, or anyone who hadn't led such an honorable life? *Why him?*
Thoughts blew through her mind like dust in a sandstorm. She couldn't hold one to any one idea at a time; they sifted through her fingers as though they were immaterial.
She stood up shakily and made her way slowly to the kitchen. She felt as though she'd aged ten years in the past ten seconds. She could see the stars out the small window. That they could keep burning, that their planets could continue revolving, seemed impossible. He was *dead;* didn't they know? Her world had suddenly frozen in its place, her heart a cold and heavy lump in her chest. It wasn't fair! He had told her - no, *promised* her - that he would come back. He had broken his word to her, betrayed her trust.
But she couldn't think about that now. She fixed a cup of tea and sat down; there was no question of getting any more sleep that night. She sipped the warm drink slowly, and she did not cry.
~~
Jessa had to pick that day to mention it. "Your gentleman friend hasn't shown up again, has he? You two have a little lovers' spat?"
Shmi sucked in a breath as she tried to control herself. Her ears rang and she heard Jessa's voice becoming distant. Then her mind suddenly cleared, and she left as soon as possible, not bothering to be polite.
The rest of the day passed in a mechanical haze. Not even Watto's harsh cynicism could not pull her out of this endless misery. He struck her once for not paying attention; in her stupor it sent her sprawling. She wished more than ever that Qui-Gon had never gone, that he was still here to protect her. She clung to the thought of Anakin, of her hopes for him: only this kept her from plunging into despair.
That night, the carefully built dam finally broke. The ice that surrounded her emotions thawed, leaving a swirling flood of pain and anger in its wake. "You said you'd take care of Anakin!" she sobbed furiously. "You told me you'd come back - damn you, Qui-Gon, you *promised*!"
"I had every intention of keeping that promise."
Startled out of her tears, she looked up. It wasn't possible! But there he was, standing before her and surrounded by an odd sort of bluish mist. Bold in her surprise, she reached up tentatively. Her fingers lightly brushed his cheek. He was *there,* but insubstantial, somehow, as though he was wreathed in mist. "Are - are you..."
"Real? That would depend on your point of view."
She found herself unable to meet his eyes. "I felt it," she said, looking out at the glowing stars. "I knew when you - when you...but are you dead or alive?"
"I have moved from this plane of existence into the next."
So much for a straight, yes-or-no answer. "You mean you're dead," she thought out loud.
"As far as this life is concerned."
"What is it like?" she asked, too stunned to be devastated.
"That I cannot tell you. It is very different, but not unpleasant."
She hesitated. "But why me? Why did you choose to come here?"
"I am not accustomed to breaking promises. And I wanted you to understand something. I never meant for this to be a one-night-stand; it was so much more meaningful than that. I had every intention of coming back...alive, as you put it, but it was not to be. I had waited all my life for someone like you." He smiled faintly. "It seems that fate is not without a sense of irony."
"When - if you had come back," she asked, her voice faltering, "would you have asked me to - would you have...what we talked about on the balcony -"
"Yes."
She bit back the bitter tears of suddenly rampant emotions. "I - I don't know what else there is to say. Why - why did you come? Do you know how hard it is to look at you and to know that nothing we've dreamed of will happen?"
"I know," he said mournfully. "But as I said, I am not in the habit of betraying the trust of others."
"But you didn't come all this way just to chat."
"I wanted you to know what you meant to me; that I really did plan to return to you."
"Have you seen Anakin?"
"I have *seen* a great many people."
"Does he know that you're still - well, that you're still there, should he need you?"
"Anakin knows that I am gone and I am not coming back. For now it is best if he continues to believe that."
She nodded. "Who will take care of him now? Your Padawan?"
"Obi-Wan is no longer an apprentice. He was granted the rank of full Jedi Knight yesterday...I am sure he will take good care of Anakin."
Shmi noticed that he made no promises, and it disturbed her slightly. "Do you really believe that?"
"Of course."
She smiled. "And I know you wouldn't say anything you didn't really mean."
Suddenly a voice blared from outside. "Hey. Are you talking to someone in there?"
"Jessa." Shmi looked out and saw that the stars were already dimming with the suns-rise.
"I believe I'd better go, " he said, brushing her cheek with his fingertips. It was odd, how he was so real and yet unreal at the same time. "Till we meet again." Then he was gone.
And Shmi knew beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt, that she would see him again, very soon.
~~
The holo-recording arrived a few days later, only slightly worse for the wear and long trip. A tiny package was with it, but she was more curious to see the recording. She waited until Jessa had left, then she slid the chip into the newly repaired holoplayer and sat back. A young man - it could only be Qui-Gon's apprentice - introduced himself and painfully explained the circumstances that surrounded Qui-Gon's death.
Although his words were calm, he looked as though he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Shmi pitied him; to be so young and be faced with a loss like that...
He reported that Anakin was doing all right. *Probably better than *he* is,* Shmi thought. Her son was to be trained at the Jedi Temple until his thirteenth birthday, when the Masters would judge if the boy was ready to become a Padawan. He gave her a way to contact him and Anakin, should the need arise.
Then he mentioned the small box that now lay on the table. "Yoda found it in Qui-Gon's things," he explained, emotion half-choking him. "I - I'm sorry he couldn't give it to you himself, but...he'd want you to have it anyway."
She paused the recording and reached curiously for the object, unwrapping the layer of protective covering with suddenly trembling hands. Inside was a tiny velvet box containing a diamond ring. Exhilaration and regret mixed painfully within her, and she wept for him.
~~
She was washing the dishes when he came. There weren't all that many to do with Anakin gone; but she didn't turn. There was a moment of silence between them that she was somehow reluctant to break.
"Why haven't you spoken with Obi-Wan?"
If he was taken aback by her abrupt question, he did not show it. "He's twenty standard years old; I am sure he is perfectly capable of caring for Anakin once he is old enough to be trained as a -"
"That's not what I meant," she broke in gently, finally facing him. "Haven't you seen it, or are you pretending not to notice? The boy is *devastated,* Qui-Gon. He thought the galaxy of you; do you know that? Gods, he looks like he's about to lose his mind! Do you want me to trust my son's future to someone half-mad with grief?
"But this isn't just about Anakin," she continued, only half-hearing the words she herself was saying. "Obi-Wan has other responsibilities. If he is called upon to help, how much good will it to do have him lost in this melancholy? He's so afraid of doing something wrong. He couldn't possibly know what to do, how to help Anakin...You need to go back to him," she pleaded. "If - if Anakin really is this 'chosen one,' then his fate can hardly be thrust upon the shoulders of one Jedi Knight barely out of his teens, no matter how powerful he may be. A man very much like you once told me that power and wisdom should not be confused, and he was right. Please, help him...for Anakin's and his own sake."
It was quite possibly the largest stand she'd ever taken in her adult life. Qui-Gon gazed thoughtfully past her in a manner she found to be extremely unnerving. Then he glanced up at her, and his eyes held the spark that she had seen in him while he was alive. He nodded slowly. Then, without seeming to change at all, he was gone.
Shmi sank down in her chair, surprised to find her hands shaking. Had she offended him? Was he angry enough never to come back? Would Obi-Wan truly care for Anakin as well as Qui-Gon had said? She had so many, many unanswerable questions, and all she could do was wait.
~~
She left the junk shop the next day to find a young man leaning against the doorway of her dwelling. "If you're looking for Jessa, she lives two doors down," she commented dryly, knowing well of her hypocritical neighbor's male visitors.
"I'm not looking for Jessa," he said, stepping away from the wall. She caught a familiar glimmer in his blue eyes; hidden by the dazzling sunlight, there was the slightest corona of indigo about him.
"*Qui-Gon?*" She caught herself quickly, casting a furtive glance at the semi-deserted street, lowering her voice to a whisper. "Can everyone see you, or is it just me?"
He just smiled; a cocky, roguish grin that rather befitted this young Jedi more than the man he would (had?) become.
She rolled her eyes, but couldn't help smiling. "So to any casual passerby, I'm holding a spirited conversation with the doorway?"
"Exactly."
She sighed, reached past him to unlock the door, and he walked with her inside - not that he couldn't have just waited for her there, to save time.
"So why are you like this? Does time run backwards in wherever-it-is?"
"It doesn't always run backwards. Time is fluid: we can move any direction in it. I can reach a distant galaxy in an instant, and then be back the next. In a way, it's a fairly daunting prospect."
She smiled wryly. "Well, since I do not have the much-wished-for privilege of making myself younger, I would suggest you grow up, Qui-Gon Jinn."
He grinned again, and his form faded and grew slightly taller before solidifying again. "Satisfied?" he asked, more solemnly.
Shmi caught the change from carefree to serious immediately. She wanted to ask him about it, but it wasn't her business. Perhaps later she would ask what had changed him, but now didn't seem to be the time.
"Did you talk to -"
"Yes."
"And?"
"I think he'll be all right. He doesn't know I've appeared to anyone else - and it is rather tiring - so if you must contact him, don't tell him."
She nodded. "You don't have to do this so - so often," she offered painfully, "if it's too much effort."
"What better reason could I possibly have?"
She smiled, but her eyes were wistful. "I just wish we could - that you were - "
"Wishing won't change anything, and you know that," he replied gently.
"Oh...but I want so much to *see* you again!"
"Are you not seeing me now?"
She looked away. "You know that's not what I meant."
All she wanted for herself was to lie there with him like she had - could it only have been ten days ago? - indulging in the utter joy of life. Life that only one of them still had. She wanted it more than her freedom, very nearly as much as she hoped for Anakin's safety.
She brushed a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. He noticed with a small start that she was wearing the ring he'd planned to give her on her right hand, in the manner of a widow.
"You can't change the past," he told her.
"If - if we could, would you have stayed the next night?"
"Shmi, this won't help either one of us. Dwelling on my death is one of the last things you should be doing right now. You have to move on."
Tears came involuntarily to her eyes, but she pushed them back in a burst of will. "You're right," she conceded quietly. "It won't do me any good to remember, but you can hardly expect me to forget."
"I certainly hope not," he said with a tired little smile.
She flinched inwardly. "I'm sorry; it must take incredible effort to come back like this, and here I am living in the past. I just...wish things had been different."
"As do I," he said softly. "As do I." And then he was gone, so quickly that she barely realized it at first. She slept untroubled that night: Anakin was in good hands, and Qui-Gon was sure to come back.
Even the life of a slave could be all right sometimes.
~~
Having not heard about the mysterious visitor for over a week, Jessa had given up on asking Shmi about him. However, that did not prevent her from planting herself "inconspicuously" across the street, should he ever show up. She hoped that her friend would say something, but she never spoke another word about the handsome stranger. The idea of a tall, dark rescuer was so romantic! No matter what Shmi said (or didn't say), Jessa entertained her own ideas about their relationship.
Once Shmi had appeared to be speaking to a barely visible heat shimmer in front of the wall: was she going crazy? It worried Jessa. If Watto found out, he would sell her as fast as possible, probably to some horrid mining colony on a forgotten little Rim outpost. She didn't want that to happen, for the stranger as well as for Shmi.
Jessa made up her mind to keep her friend's odd behavior to herself, and settled in to watch and wait.
~~
The next time he showed up, things seemed different, wrong somehow. He appeared in the kitchen doorway, but he didn't sit down. The sparkle of mischief/defiance in his eyes had dimmed.
Shmi knew something wasn't right. "What is it?" she asked, concerned.
He sighed heavily, as though he had made a nearly impossible decision. "I spoke with Master Windu this morning."
She nodded, not entirely understanding the relevance to his moodiness. "What did he say?"
"It was more of what he didn't say than what he said." He stopped, hesitated uncharacteristically. "Shmi, we have to stop doing this."
She groped for a chair and sat down slowly. It was like a bad fall; she was so startled that she couldn't quite take it all in.
"I'm sorry. But like it or not, I'm *dead*. Coming back to you like this, on a regular basis...It's blurring the line between life and death. Mace disapproves, which on its own makes me apt to keep doing it. But I think, for once, he's right."
Her shocked mind was just beginning to come to terms with this information. "Why? What's so wrong with it?"
"If I was still alive, it would be different, but I'm not, and sooner or later you'll have to accept that fact. You belong in this world, I belong in another, and there is no way to change it. It's Romeo and Juliet all over again, but I can't help it."
"Who?"
"Oh...a love story by a poet from a tiny planet in another galaxy. It won't be written for decades yet. Basically, two people get into a forbidden romance, and they both end up dead. I don't want that to happen to you."
*Time travel,* she remembered. He could spend years in another galaxy, a thousand years into the future, and return five minutes before he left. The very thought made her head spin. So there was another point for his side. It would never work, at least not while she was stuck here in this life.
"You're right," she said, her heart aching.
He moved to kiss her, with the odd touch of his almost-being. "I'll be waiting," he whispered.
She pulled back, uncertain. "I - I will see you again someday, won't I?"
Only his eyes gave away the smile he hid. "Of course," he said, stroking her cheek one last time. "I promise."