A/N- Hey chickies! Merry Xmas to you all! Thanks so much for all your reviews, they make my day xx
Edward the Beta in…
A Christmas Darryl
***
It was Xmas morning. Carlisle came to visit because he didn't want me to be alone. Well, all I have to say is his face looks like a turd.
"My face doesn't look like a turd" says he.
"Sorry" says me "how come you're the only one that ever visits?"
"Santa visits!" say he and he threw a package at my head. I opened it and it was pants.
"I heard you didn't like your pants"
"You've read my diary!!" I screamed
"No, you just take them off a lot, especially when you're near tree-"
"Okay! Thanks" I said
"But I've read your diary as well" he said
"Oh"
"You're going to get splinters, Edward…"
And then he went away.
.
This is the worst Xmas ever. I went for a ran and fell asleep when I got tried.
"Shit, my pants are missing" I said (I wasn't asleep when I said that, I woke up before)
Then I heard a Russel in from the trees.
"Oooooh" said voice
I ran away cos I'm bad at defending myself and I was afraid someone saw my buttocks and attractive bronze leg hair and wanted to take advantage of me. This chubby guy in a hat appeared anyway.
"Oooooh" he sad
"Yes, I know, they're very pert buttocks" I said
"No" replied Chubby "I am Harry Clearwater, Grade A dead guy and ghost of Xmas past"
"Hi"
"Aren't you wonder why I'm here?" he asked
"For sexing?"
"I'm here to bring back your Xmas spirit"
"Kays"
Then we went back in time as time-travelling ghosts and I saw my last year's Xmas.
"I was a cold one then!" I says
"Not really…"
"I WAS!"
Chubby Clearwater or w/e his name is looked confused.
"That was before Gaycob" I added "Bella gave me a bag of blood that year. She liked me back then, before I was a Beta"
"BETA IS BETTER!" yelled Harry Clearwater
I was shock, I'd never seen a time-travelling ghost so angry b4
"I HATE BILLY BLACK! I HATE HIM!" he yelled "he put the moves on my wife and his son is a douche!"
"Will you be my dad?" I said
"…no"
Harry told me as soon as he got dead, all his friends tried to hump his wife, Sue.
"I'll be your friend if you help me out Edward. You have to lay your moves on sue, it'll kill Billy and that other guy, Charlie."
"That seems pretty mean" I said
"I'm pretty sure Billy tried to poison me" he said "I believe in you Edward, I've been stalking you for some time now, your dance moves… they do something to me…boy, if only I wasn't dead! Ha…ha, ha…."
The whole thing seemed pretty gross but I wanted a friend, even if it was a deranged time-travelling ghost who wanted me to seduce his widow.
.
The next morning I went to Sue's house to woo her.
"Hello?" she said
"Stand back!" I ordered and went into a 13 minute dance routine to a melody of Phil Collins songs.
"Make sex to me!" she said and I did, on the doorstep.
"You can't tell Charlie or Billy about this" she said after our amazing 18 seconds together, "they both think I'm pretty hot"
I don't know how he got there, but then we saw Billy outside in the paddock watching us… awkward!
"HA!" I said "My big hair and dance routine ruined Billy Black!"
.
Then we went back home, "Nice going kid!" said Harry, then he promised to visit from time to time so we can destroy everyone's lives. Then Leah walked in with her shirt over her head "Check out my nips!" she said but ran away when she saw Harry standing there talking on his ghost phone. She's probably just upset because he's her dead father. She's so weird.
"Who was that on the phone, Harry?" I said
"Oh, that was just my friend, Christmas Darryl, he says hi"
It was the best Xmas ever.