Author's Note: This was kinda a quick update, eh? I think more of the usual humor can be found in this chapter. I hope you all enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I wish I had my own animated series, but sadly I do not.

Cartman Was Right

Chapter 8

The Girl Code: Shopping

"Stop giving me that look."

"And what look would that be?"

"You know… the one where you look like you're going to eat me," Kyle answered as he and Wendy made their way to her car after school let out. He was uneasy about being alone with her in the parking lot, for it looked like the only thing stopping her from devouring his limbs right then and there was the risk of getting blood on her skirt.

"I'm doing no such thing," she replied curtly, slightly miffed, though she ran her tongue over her lips as if itching to chew something.

"That's good. If you eat too much, it really will go straight to your thighs."

"Kyle!" she exclaimed in outrage. "That is not something a guy should be saying to a girl!" He saw her adjust the back of her skirt out of the corner of his eye, and he couldn't help but laugh to himself.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is my chest not prominent enough for you?" He used two hands underneath both of Bebe's ample breasts to cup them and make the cleavage more noticeable.

"Oh, stop it!" For the second time that day, Wendy used her hands to force Kyle to put his arms back to his sides. "You just like touching those!"

"Yeah… you're probably right."

The two of them piled into the old, blue Honda civic and, Wendy started the ignition with a rattle, turning on the heater as the engine sprung to life, but she didn't drive it out of the parking lot. She didn't even put it out of park. "Bebe looked happy in sixth period today," she commented, straightening her beret in the mirror.

Kyle, who was expecting some sort of beating, remained puzzled. "Why shouldn't she be?"

Wendy seemed to be chewing nervously on her tongue. "It's just… with that stupid article and everything, I expected her to be sobbing all day."

"She's a tough girl in a boy's body. I think she can handle it. Besides, I'd be called a pussy for the rest of my life if she did cry."

"You want to know what I think?" Wendy asked, and though Kyle gave her a look that said he didn't really care that much, she told him anyway. "I think something happened between you two sometime between your fight in the cafeteria and sixth period."

"Nothing escapes you, does it?" Kyle raised his hand to giver her a sarcastic high five, but she didn't seem to notice. "And, for the record, that wasn't really a fight."

"Your eye is purple. I think that qualifies as a fight. But either way, I do want to know what happened." The statement sounded more like a threat than anything.

Kyle paused to consider. He was in her car… alone… meaning that no one would be able to hear him scream. Oh, come on. Grow a pair, he told himself. "Have you noticed how I always end up retelling every single story about Bebe and me to either you or your boyfriend?"

"So?"

"Well, I'd just rather that some of this stuff stay between me and Bebe, and not me and you."

"Oh…" Wendy seemed to deflate a little. "Whatever happened… that's usually something Bebe and I would talk about with each other."

There were those Goddamn rules again! "I don't know your stupid 'Girl Code,' okay?!" Kyle blurted out suddenly.

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"Er… nothing. Never mind. We, uh…" He had to pause to cough away his nerves. "We just kissed, is all."

The effect of those small words was incredible. Wendy let out a small scream and jumped in her seat, which nearly sent her rickety car off-balance. "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" she shouted in his ear.

"If I knew you were gonna react that way, I wouldn't've told you!" Kyle had stuck a finger in either ear and was yelling at her just as loudly.

"I'm sorry!" she squeaked. The sudden difference in the decibel levels was truly astounding.

"It's… fine. Can we just go?" Kyle asked in exasperation, wanting desperately to just pick a dress and get it over with.

"Yeah, okay," Wendy agreed. She put her car in reverse, pulled out of the parking space, and headed off toward the mall. Every time her car sputtered, Kyle felt the need to brace himself for a sudden gas explosion. "I'm really… wow, Kyle. I don't know what to say. I'm happy for you!" She grinned at him.

"Watch the road, will ya?!" he exclaimed fearfully.

"Lo siento!" she exclaimed as she corrected her lane position while simultaneously avoiding a squirrel.

"'Lo siento'?" Kyle repeated incredulously.

"Give me a break. My last class was Spanish, okay?"

"Right…" Kyle answered. The car shook slightly as Wendy drove gingerly over a speed bump in the mall parking lot. With her tongue between her teeth in great concentration, she pulled into a space and parked her car triumphantly. "Is there a reason we're so far away from the building?" It was a legitimate question, considering that there were a least three empty rows of snow-filled spaces in front of them.

"I'm still very uncomfortable with parking!" Wendy insisted indignantly.

Kyle opened his door and peered out to find that her car wasn't even cleanly between the white lines. "Is that why you get to school an hour early every day?" She didn't answer. "You've already been driving for over a year…" he mentioned disbelievingly.

"Yeah, well, you know that stereotype about girls not being able to park?" Wendy pulled her key out of the ignition and stood up outside.

"I thought that was just for parallel parking," Kyle said, following suit and exiting the vehicle.

"No… it's all parking."

"Why don't you ask Stan for help?"

The car locked with a beep. "Because that would mean he's better than me at something."

Kyle rolled his eyes and sarcastically slapped a hand to his forehead. "Oh, silly me. How could I forget? God forbid he knows how to park a car better than the great Wendy Testaburger!"

She clearly wasn't very keen on picking up on verbal irony either. "I know, right? C'mon. I think we should start at Macy's."

"Wow… you shop here so much that you know the owner by her first name? Will I like her?"

"Kyle… that's the name of the store."

"Shoot me down, why don't you?" he scoffed. "Let's just do this already." The two of them walked in through the automatic sliding doors, and immediately the harsh smell of alcohol and floral fragrances wafted over to them in a malodorous designer cloud. "What is that?" Kyle inquired nasally, having pinched his nose shut.

"Perfume," Wendy answered matter-of-factly, spritzing some on her wrist and rubbing her hands together. "Speaking of which, we should probably buy you some… You know, this could actually be really fun!" Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed the sleeve of his red cardigan and dragged through the rows of glass casing and angular bottles.

It was strange, really. Within several minutes, Kyle already smelled like "Tropical Travesty," "Diamond Dream," and others he couldn't remember but that undoubtedly used hideous alliteration in their titles as well. "How much longer do we have to do this?" he whined impatiently as Wendy sprayed his kneecap with perfume, as it was one of the few places on his body that was fragrance-free.

"We're going to do this until you find one you like!" she growled, snapping at a saleswoman who was offering her assistance.

With a roll of his eyes, Kyle pulled his knee up to his face and inhaled deeply. It smelled like a mixture of lavender and cherry ice cream. It made his head spin, but in a nice way. "I like this one," he stated.

"Are you sure you're not just saying that so we can get out of here?" Wendy raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"No… I really like it. What's it called?"

Wendy held up the pink bottle. "'Pearl,'" she read off the label. Kyle had difficulty in seeing the logic of naming something that smelled like fruit after a solid deposit of calcium carbonate. "And you know what? This is the perfume that Bebe usually wears anyway. That's… very curious." She smirked at him.

"Okay… not gonna lie; what you said sounded a little bit creepy." All the same, Bebe's face suddenly swam before him, and he vaguely remembered the scent of her scarf from several days back. "So that's what that was…" he mused to himself.

"Here." Wendy tossed him the box. "Now let's go look at dresses." The way she spoke told Kyle that she was positively itching to get him into something frilly. "This part of the store is always huge. How about you start on that end," she said, pointing to her right, "and I'll start on this end." She was gesturing in the completely opposite direction. "Then we'll meet in the middle with a bunch of dresses for you to try on."

Whatever gets me out of here more quickly, Kyle told himself. With a shrug, he made his way over to the far corner of the store. He reached into the first clearance basket beside him and yanked out a long, black dress with puffballs that were several different disgusting shades of yellow. He was wondering if women actually wore clothing like that when a sudden exclamation caused him to drop the hanger to the floor with a clatter.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!"

That voice was unpleasantly familiar, and, peering around the back of a size two clothing rack, Kyle was able to see the unsightly leather straps of Mr. Slave's usual attire and began to wonder why on Earth he would be in the junior's section scanning through a clothing rack full of endless floral prints. Kyle tried to duck out of sight before he could be recognized, but –

"Hello, Bebe! Fancy seeing you here!" the Southern accent told Kyle that Herbert Garrison was right behind him, and he spun around as rigid as a board to be met with a faded lime green windbreaker.

"Hello, Mr. Garrison…" he began uneasily, noticing with a slight churn of his stomach that his teacher appeared to be wearing purple eye shadow and the slightest hint of rouge over his cheekbones.

"Look, Mr. Slave. Look who I found cavorting in the clearance racks." He beckoned over the hopeless homosexual, who lovingly brushed a stray lock of golden hair from Kyle's face; it was probably one of the most awkward situations he'd ever been in.

"Oh, you silly goose, what's a cute girl like you doing all the way over here in the clearance aisle?" he said through his lisp, batting his eyes enticingly. "Come one, hun, you're coming with us." He used a manicured hand to grab Kyle's forearm and all but dragged him to a more expensive section of the store, Mr. Garrison following closely behind and whistling "I Feel Pretty" through the gap in his teeth.

Mr. Slave stood on one tiptoed foot to bring down a yellow dress from one of the upper wall hangers. He held it to Bebe's front. "Hm…" he said skeptically, tilting his head to one side and rubbing his chin. "No…" he concluded definitively, eyeing the blond mop of hair on top of Kyle's head. "This won't do at all. Much too flashy." With that, he threw the dress onto Mr. Garrison, who promptly put in into an empty shopping cart.

"What about this one, Mr. Slave?" Kyle's teacher had selected a hot pink, knee-high dress that made Kyle feel like reliving his lunch all over the floor of the department store.

"No! Heavens no, Mr. Garrison! It needs to highlight her facial features!" He gave his lover a gentle tap on the wrist and took the dress away from him. With a twirl, he placed it lovingly in the reject pile.

"Excuse me… but, why are you two even here?" Kyle asked, trying his best to be polite. What was one supposed to say in that situation?

"Jesus, Bebe, are you retarded? Mr. Slave and I are chaperoning your dance on Saturday night."

Kyle had to grit his teeth to force the image of Mr. Slave and Mr. Garrison slow-dancing to "Lady in Red" out of his head. "Er… right."

"Here!" Mr. Slave suddenly exclaimed, emerging from a curtain of multi-colored ballroom wear. "This is just gorgeous, Mr. Garrison!" He brandished a light blue, knee-length dress with spaghetti straps and a small bow just under the bust.

Mr. Garrison let out a low whistle. "Hot damn, boys'll definitely be popping boners over you." He made his sex slave hold the dress to his front and twirl as a means to model it.

Kyle, however, couldn't help but feel extremely uncomfortable. It was already weird enough to think about wearing something other than swimming trunks that revealed his shoulders, but to picture himself catching the eye of other males was just degrading.

"What's that look for, hun?" Mr. Slave asked with a giggle that made his Adam's apple bobble. "I am not taking 'no' for an answer. This dress is so perfect for you that… Mr. Garrison and I are going to purchase it."

Kyle gestured helplessly to the other end of the store where Wendy was undoubtedly waiting impatiently for him. "Wait, I need to – "

" – try this on first? You're right. How could I have forgotten that?" Mr. Slave gave himself a light slap on the cheek, and Mr. Garrison gave him a love tap on his leather-clad thigh. "Oh, Jesus Christ!" The teacher's assistant blushed. "Save it for tonight, Mr. Garrison!"

Kyle frowned uncomfortably. It hadn't even occurred to him that his teacher and Mr. Slave were still intimate with each other. "Yeah…" he began awkwardly. "I think I've got it under control." He gave a little wave with the hand that was carrying the dress hanger. "Someone's meeting me so… thanks for all your help." He tried to turn around, but a manicured hand grabbed his shoulders.

"We still need to find you something sexy to wear under that dress, sweetie. For the good lovin' afterwards."

Kyle froze. "You know what? I think I'm good," he said, but despite all his protests, he was dragged to the lingerie section of the store, which seemed to be conveniently located right next to the wall with all the dresses. "No, no, no!" Kyle protested, trying and failing to dig his feet into the floor. "I… don't… need… this!" He felt like his arms were going to be pulled out of their sockets as he attempted to run backwards. Maybe he'd get Wendy to help him file a police report later.

The trio stopped right in front of a wall covered completely in lacy things of various designs and colors. "What do you think?" Mr. Slave asked Kyle with a giggle.

Jesus, these guys are shameless…

"Mr. Garrison, should we get her something to match her dress? Or something a little sexier?" Mr. Slave brandished a baby blue set of lingerie in one hand and a black… something in the other.

Mr. Garrison seemed to be pondering his answer as Mr. Slave raised one and then the other in succession. "I kinda like the corset," he stated.

"I was thinking the same thing." With that, Mr. Slave flung the blue bra and underwear over his shoulder and thrusted the black pair at Kyle's chest. "That's going to look adorable!"

Kyle pulled it gingerly away from his body and observed it with a look of disgust. "How am I supposed to – "

"No need to thank us." Mr. Garrison waved his hand dismissively. "Now let's go buy this stuff for you." The three of them – only two of them willingly – walked to the cashier and made their purchase.

Fifteen minutes later, Kyle found himself standing alone outside of Macy's with a plastic bag containing a dress and something nightmarish-looking thing that he was somehow supposed to figure out how to wear.

"Kyle!" He whipped around to find Wendy nearly jogging toward him. "Where's your phone? I called you like ten times!"

"It's in your car! These pants are too tight for me to fit anything in the pockets," he explained once she caught up to him.

"That's why girls carry a – what's this?" she asked, pointing to the bag he was carrying. "Did… did you buy a dress without me?" She actually sounded quite hurt as she reached inside to pull it out. "Actually," she said breathlessly. "This is… it's perfect for you! I'm impressed!"

"Yeah, well – "

"Why do you have this?" To Kyle's horror, she was brandishing his underwear for everyone to see.

"Put it back!" he hissed, shaking the shopping bag impatiently.

"Why'd you buy this?" she asked again, turning it around by the hanger.

"It wasn't me!" Kyle finally said. "I ran into our teacher and his stupid… Anyway, I tried to get away, but they insisted on buying this crap for me!"

Wendy held up the lingerie to Kyle's front and nodding approvingly. "I gotta say… those guys have really good taste.

--

Stan only lived half a block away, so Kyle put on his coat and mittens and walked over carrying the Macy's bag from earlier that day.

"Dude!" Stan exclaimed once he opened the door. "Where were you after school today?"

"Your girlfriend ambushed me as soon as the bell rang."

"Yeah, she tends to do that." A dreamy look came over the football player's face. "Isn't she great?"

"Yeah…" Kyle reluctantly agreed, feeling a bit like a "Squidward." "Stan, I need to talk to you. You know, a little man to man conversation."

The other boy looked surprised to see him standing there in the dark. "'Man to man'? You're a girl, dude."

Kyle frowned. "Fine, man to girl then. I know this might be kinda annoying, but I need help with Bebe again." He invited himself inside and removed his jacket, shaking snow onto the wooden floor.

"Oh, wait," Stan answered with a snort of laughter, closing the door behind his friend. "I completely forgot to tell you about this, but speaking of Bebe… you know what she did today in PE?"

"Do I want to?"

"Dude, she shaved your legs last night!"

It took a moment for Kyle to realize exactly what Stan was talking about. "Wait… she what?!" he asked indignantly.

"You were totally hairless in the locker room! As smooth as a baby's butt! That's like your masculinity going right down the drain there, buddy!" For some reason, Stan seemed to be taking great pleasure in Kyle's discomfort.

The Jew rolled his green eyes in exasperation. "Perfect. Did anyone else notice?"

"Yeah, most people. And, Jesus Christ, when she bent over the bench in your underwear, I thought Cartman was gonna ass rape you right in front of everyone." Kyle groaned in dismay. "What is it?" Stan asked casually.

"Okay," he said, lowering his voice slightly so as not to attract the attention of the rest of the house. "I'm going to tell you something, but you have to swear you won't tell anyone."

"Ok, done."

Kyle remained a bit skeptical. Given that the gossip was juicy enough, Stan occasionally had a bad habit of letting it slip and gradually make its way along the gossip chain. "And I mean no one can know."

"Yeah, okay."

"Not Wendy, not Bebe, not even your mom and – "

"Kyle!"

"Okay…" Kyle took a deep breath to prepare himself for the worst. "Cartman's in love with me."

There was tense silence for about a minute until it was broken by a great guffaw of laughter.

Kyle threw his bag angrily onto the floor. "Stop laughing! It isn't funny!"

No dice. Stan continued to laugh so hard that he was forced to double over clutching his sides. "Dude, you're fucking with me. You are so fucking with me!"

Kyle used frantic hand gestures to try to make his friend lower his voice while still replying at the same volume. "I'm being completely serious!"

"The hell you are!"

"I am!"

"How would you even know that anyway? It's not like he would just – "

"Tell me? Dude… he did tell me," the Jew hissed angrily.

"He told you? Are you sure?" Stan's question revealed that he was still uncertain.

"Yes, dude! He said something along these lines." Kyle scrunched up his face to give himself the fake double chin that everyone gets after they smell sewage. "'Stay away from my fuckin' Jew, bitch! Get your own!'"

Stan was momentarily rendered speechless. "Holy shit, dude! He said that?"

"Oh, I don't know… something like that. I can't remember it word for word. I try not to think about it, but then I have all these damn dreams about – "

"Cartman? You have sex dreams about Cartman?!"

"They're not sex dreams!" Kyle snapped. "They're like… freaky dreams. Like… imagine The Ring, only ten times creepier!"

Stan gave a dramatic shudder and looked over his shoulder as if making sure that they were alone. "That movie still gives me nightmares sometimes."

"Exactly!"

"Wait… this means that that fucking… retarded poll thingy isn't just some bull put in there by the editors, right?"

"Unfortunately… And, you know what? Call it 'woman's intuition,' but I think he's planning something completely stupid for this dance thing… And that's another thing! Why the hell am I even going anyway?!" Kyle rambled, more to himself than to Stan, as he paced back and forth across the hallway.

"I thought it was because Bebe asked you to," Stan reasoned, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder to still his movements.

"Bebe… that's right…"

"Well, what about her now?" Stan asked once the excitement about the situation with Cartman had finally died down.

"I kissed her," Kyle stated simply, wondering why he was even making such a big deal about it in the first place. It was such a girly thing to dwell on. "Or maybe she kissed me… I don't know…"

Stan's mouth was in the shape of an "O," and he was blinking furiously. "So what do you make of it?"

"I don't know!" Kyle let out a groan and ran several fingers through the golden strands on his head. "I was gonna ask you about that. I have no idea how I'm supposed to interpret these things."

"Well… how'd she do it?"

He wanted a description now? "Oh, uh…" Kyle began awkwardly. "She sorta put her face close to mine, and – "

"No, no, no. I mean, what kind of kiss was it?"

"What kind?"

"Were you all over each other, like French kissing, or was it one those 'I'm not really interested in you right now, but the attention is appreciated' kisses?"

"Oh, God… they have names?!" he asked, horrified.

"You are one hopeless blond, little Jew. Of course they don't have names, dumb ass. It's just the way that guys are supposed to gauge a woman's reaction."

"What do you mean?"

"Jesus Christ… haven't you kissed a girl before?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't make a habit out of it."

"Just remember…" Stan explained, suddenly professorial, "in a relationship, the only opinion that seems to matter is the woman's. If a relationship is dominated by the man, it's doomed to fail."

"So… inversely, a relationship dominated by the woman is destined to succeed!"

"No," Stan countered firmly. "That's just how it always ends up. Think about it. Your dad is controlled by your mom, my dad is usually controlled by my mom… and so forth."

"Oh…"

"You remember that when you and Bebe are getting it on a year from now."

"Why do you sound so jealous? Didn't you and Wendy – "

"You mean after you guys left yesterday? Pfft, no. She put her figurative chastity pants back on and made me finish the rest of that stupid movie with her… Pride and Prejudice."

Kyle made a gagging motion by pointing down his throat. "Shit… I couldn't even make it through the first fifteen minutes when I tried to watch it…"

"I know! But every single girl I know seems to just love that Mr. Darcy guy, and I can't ever figure out why…" He trailed off, and Kyle got the sudden image of Stan dressed in a tailcoat and top hat. "All that aside, how would you describe your kiss with Bebe?"

"Oh… I don't know…" Suddenly all the emotions that he'd felt when his lips were touching hers disappeared back into the little box in his chest cavity.

"Okay, let's start simpler then. Who initiated it?"

"She did." That was something he distinctly remembered… being cut-off in midsentence by her mouth.

"That's a start. It means she notices you at least."

"Shouldn't she? I mean, she's told me that she likes me in that way…" Stan's help was getting more useless by the minute.

"That's not the point. Girls aren't ever that easy to read. Sometimes they're all over you, and other times they're playing hard to get and waiting for you to make the first move. I mean, your case is probably special given your current… situation and all."

"She didn't seem… disgusted by it, even if she was technically kissing her own body… That has to mean something, right? I'm so confused… how am I supposed to be her and myself at the same time?"

"Yeah, I dunno, dude," Stan replied, beginning to sound exasperated. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just… try to go with the flow."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "That is such man advice, Stan! I've been trying! And look where it's gotten me! I'm a teenage girl whose soul has been consumed by the mediocrity of high school drama!"

"Wow… that wasn't gay at all," Stan gave him a sarcastic nod of approval.

"And that's another thing! Everyone thinks I'm some sorta queermo! What now?" he asked when he saw his best friend flinch a little bit.

"There were a few people who thought you were gay before you were a girl."

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Well, you're the only guy who doesn't talk about girls all the time."

"Oh, well, I'm sorry!" His voice cracked a little bit and he could have sworn that he felt his lip quiver ever so slightly. "Please forgive me for actually thinking with my brain one in a while! You know what? I'm leaving!" He left the Marsh residence in a huff, but before Stan could close the door, he forced his way back inside. "I'm staying."

"What now?" Stan asked impatiently. "I wanna go eat."

"I need your opinion on something… but I don't get 'gay' comments for this, all right?"

"That's fine."

"I…" Kyle coughed, nudging the shopping bag with his foot. "I wanted a guy's honest opinion on the dress I got." He purposely left the underwear at home to avoid any sort of homosexual quips.

Stan tried and failed to disguise a laugh as a cough. "Okay," he promised as Kyle pulled his gown out of the bag. Stan gave it a once-over with his eyes. "Alaka-dayum! You're gonna be hot!"

"Thanks." Kyle nodded with a grin and neatly put his dress away. "I'll see you tomorrow, then." The two exchanged waves, and Kyle was once again halfway through the door when he remembered something. "'Alaka-dayum'?" he asked incredulously.

Stan frowned. "No? You don't like it?"

"I can't say that I do."

"Oh… I just thought I'd try it out. No? I dunno, I thought it was kinda – No?"

"You keep working on that." Kyle finally bid his friend good night and walked home, feeling as though he'd actually succeeded in being a girl for once.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed that. I'm thinking that this story will only be another two or three chapters, depending on how I decide to organize everything… That's right, the end is in sight. I hope you all stay tuned until the end!

If you haven't read my profile, I'm leaving on a trip to Colorado on Sunday, and then I'll be in New York for most of July. I can guarantee that I'll be writing, but I really don't think I'll get a chance to update until I get back home. So… this might be the last chapter you get for a while.

dnny by Um, thank you for your unorthodox review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far, and I sincerely hope you continue to read until the end. I look forward to hearing your full rating once the story is done.

Tabbikatt I'm so glad it managed to engage you like that! It always makes me feel wonderful when people get so into reading it like that! Thanks so much for your review. Hopefully you liked this chapter too, and I hope you continue to follow this story!

Lillyfan123 I hope that you found the shopping trip to be funny. xD I tried to make it a little bit like… "wtf?" Anyway, I'm really glad you're continuing to like this. I still continue to look forward to your reviews after every update; they always manage to encourage me to keep writing!

ReadingReallyLate Thank you so much for reviewing! I think I remember getting a review from you for an earlier chapter, and I'm so glad that you came back to keep reading this! And about the high school thing… I'm so glad that you think it seems like high school, since that's the feel I was going for. I hope you continue to read this in the future!