Title: Buzzed
Author: GatorGrrrl
Fandom: Drake & Josh
Pairing: Drake/Josh
Rating: R
Word Count: 6,186
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. No profit being made, no offense intended.
Spoilers: None.
Notes/Warnings: humor, banter, bad words, slash, fun with a sex toy

Summary: Maybe he'd be the first documented case of death-by-embarrassment. He'd live for posterity in all the medical journals.

A/N: Another sleepless night + a plot bunny that wouldn't die = this fic. (And I never write about sex toys, but see previous about evil plot bunny.) Also, I tried to Schneiderize everything, but the Beach Boys slipped through. And the Supersex Pleasure Wand really does exist.

Buzzed

By the end of the Civil War, the South was completely defeated—if not in spirit, then in resources. The industrial superiority of the North as well as General Grant's willingness (with President Lincoln's tacit approval) to sacrifice as many men as it took to defeat the Rebels finally proved too much for the South to resist. However, if victory was measured in willingness to fight, then the South would have—

"Hey, Josh."

Josh suppressed an inner groan at the interruption. It was the tenth one in thirty-eight minutes—not that he was keeping track. He'd been trying to ignore them by focusing his mind on his history term paper (that was due Monday, thank you very much), but trying to ignore Drake was like trying to ignore a tornado. As a result of all this not-quite-ignoring, he'd been working on the same paragraph for the last half hour.

"Josh." A soft buzzing sounded from the room behind him, but Josh refused to look. Not until he finished this paragraph. Which he was going to do even if it killed him.

—then the South would have won in a—

"Josh, man. I wanna show you something." Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

—would have won in a landslide long before—

"Jo-osh." Zzzz. Pause. Zzzz. Pause. Zzzz.

—long before the momentum shifted to the North at the Battle of Gettysburg.

There. Finally finished. Josh hit CTRL+S to save the document, then hit it again just to be sure. Then he slowly closed his laptop and slid it onto the coffee table before turning in his seat to look at Drake over the back of the sofa. "Wha—"

Oh. My. God. Josh felt his face immediately flame as he nearly swallowed his tongue.

Drake, of course, was grinning. And his face was annoyingly normal.

"Hiya, Josh." His voice was annoyingly normal, too.

Josh was still trying not to swallow his tongue.

Drake stood up from where he'd been perched on the foot of Josh's bed and plopped down onto the sofa next to Josh. Josh felt the cushions shift beside him, but didn't turn his head, choosing instead to stare at the spot where Drake used to be while wondering if excessive blushing could cause spontaneous human combustion. He really, really hoped so.

Zzzz. Pause. Zzzz. Pause. Zzzz.

"Purple," Drake said beside him. "That's an interesting color choice. Me? I would've gone with blue. Or black." A beat passed. "Do they make black? They'd have to. Right? I mean, if they have purple, they have black. Ooh, what about red? Now red would be awesome."

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Josh closed his eyes and imagined himself getting smaller. Little by little, he was shrinking until he could slip between the sofa cushions and hide from the sound of Drake's voice. Was it possible to choke yourself to death with your own hands? Maybe…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

He raised one tremulous hand to his throat and gave it a little test squeeze. Nah. It wouldn't work. He was pretty sure he'd make it to the point of losing consciousness, but then what? No; manual strangulation was a two person job.

"The Supersex Pleasure Wand, huh? My, my, my, Josh. What other things are you hiding?"

Maybe he'd be the first documented case of death-by-embarrassment. He'd live for posterity in all the medical journals. "Patient X presented with severe acute embarrassment. Physicians treated the patient with all the standard methods—soothing music, videos of other people's most humiliating moments, IV medication, even electroshock—but nothing seemed to have an effect. After several hours of painful embarrassment, Patient X finally succumbed to his illness. A tragic case, inasmuch as the cause of the initial embarrassment was the discovery by the patient's stepbrother of a purple Supersex Pleasure Wand hidden in a false panel behind the patient's bed."

"Dude, that secret panel behind your bed isn't so secret, you know. You forget that I had this room all to myself before you moved in. I know all the hiding places." Drake was laughing at him. Not outright; but on the inside. Josh could hear it inside his head—that insidious little laugh that spiked through his brain like a sizzling hot knitting needle.

Knitting needle. Mom kept hers in a basket by the downstairs sofa. Maybe if he shoved it through his eye with enough force…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The sound was right next to his ear.

Maybe he could chew through his own tongue and bleed to death like that chick in the movie Thousand Dollar Lady.

"I thought only girls bought these things. I mean, I couldn't imagine going up to the counter and asking the sales girl, 'I would like to see the Supersex Pleasure Wand, please. In purple." Zzzz. Pause. Zzzz. Pause. Zzzz. "Dude. This thing rocks."

Since death, unfortunately, wasn't imminent, and there was, of course, no way Drake was going to let it go, Josh decided that his only course of action was to have this conversation and pray for a coma.

"I didn't," he said. They were the only two words he could manage at the moment.

Zzzz. "Didn't what?" Zz. Zz. Zz. Zzzz. Zzzz. Zzzz. Zz. Zz. Zz.

Three short. Three long. Three short. That was S.O.S. in Morse Code. Drake was a definite bastard.

Very carefully, Josh turned around front and settled onto the cushion—as far away from Drake as possible. He pressed his palms flat against his thighs and stared straight ahead. Maybe he could shove his head through the TV. It may not cause death, but he could at least hope for brain damage.

He took a breath. Let it out slowly and said, "I didn't buy it. Mindy did."

Josh felt Drake's body jerk next to him, then felt the vibrator bounce off his left forearm as Drake tossed it suddenly in his direction like they were playing some kinky game of Hot Potato. Not anticipating it, of course, it fell to the floor, where it rolled under the coffee table and lay there buzzing like a cicada. Okay, so it wasn't as loud as a cicada, but inside Josh's head, it may as well have been.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God," Drake said, hopping up off the sofa. Josh finally tore his eyes away from the buzzing purple Pleasure Wand to look at his brother, who was holding his hands out away from him and staring at them in horror.

Drake met Josh's eyes through his splayed fingers, his lips working around soundless words. He reminded Josh of a guppy. "Dude, I'm contaminated," he finally said. He waved his hands frantically in front of his face, like a girl drying her nail polish. "I think my skin is melting. Like, seriously. I can feel it."

Josh smiled. Drake's discomfort was, apparently, the antidote to his embarrassment. He was beginning to feel a little better. "Drake, I think you're overreacting."

"Overreacting? Overreacting? That thing—" Drake pointed to the thing in question, still buzzing its little battery-powered heart out under the coffee table "—was…Mindy…in Mindy…" He puffed out his cheeks like he was going to throw up. "I'm not overreacting, Josh. I'm underreacting."

"That's not really a word," Josh said.

But Drake wasn't listening. He was staring at his hands again, his brown eyes widening until Josh was certain that one more millimeter and they would actually fall out. "Oh, my God. Josh," Drake whispered, looking once again at Josh. "What if…" He swallowed. "What if I can never play guitar again?"

Josh laughed. Yup, Drake's discomfort was definitely the cure for his own embarrassment. He scooted to the edge of the sofa and bent to retrieve the Pleasure Wand, flicking the switch on the end to shut it off. "Jesus, Drake," he said, standing. "You'd think you'd dipped your hands in a vat of flesh-eating bacteria."

"This is worse." Drake still held his hands out in front of him. "Much, much worse. This is Mindy, dude. Her…youknowwhat." He said that last bit in a whisper while wrinkling his nose. "Nothing could survive that."

Josh rolled his eyes. "Well, I've been there. It's not a bad place, really. And I've lived to tell about it."

Drake covered his ears with distaste, then realized he just touched another part of his anatomy with his contaminated hands and pulled them quickly away. "Thanks a lot, man. Now my ears are gonna fall off, too."

Josh stepped onto the platform and walked around to the side of his bed. Sitting along the edge, he pushed back his pillows and pried open the false panel. "Besides," he said, placing the Pleasure Wand back into its hiding place, "she didn't buy it for her. She bought it for me."

Oh, fuck.

He closed his eyes, the edge of the panel digging into his fingers. His earlier embarrassment had been bad enough, but the relapse? So much worse.

He wondered just how much force it would take to shove his nose cartilage into his brain.

"Boys! Dinner!"

*

So of course, Drake tortured him all through dinner.

"Dinner is family time," he made a show of saying as they sat down to a smorgasbord of Scandinavian delicacies. Mom was taking an International Cooking class on Tuesday nights. This week was Norway. Drake pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open. "So I'm gonna put my phone on vibrate." He pressed and held the star key with an exaggerated movement.

Josh could hear the twin pulses of sound as the phone switched to vibrate and busied himself reaching for the platter of herring rolls. Seafood tended to make him break out in hives and he was kinda sad-mad that his mom, in her quest for culinary glory, seemed to forget that, but then he looked on the bright side: Maybe if he ate enough, he'd actually swell up enough that his ears would close up completely and he wouldn't have to hear Drake's voice anymore.

Mom and Dad were talking in the background about something boring and blessedly non-Pleasure Wand related as Josh munched on his herring roll with gusto. He almost grinned when he felt a tingle on the back of his neck, but then realized Drake had just smacked him.

"Um?" he asked, glaring at Drake over a forkful of herring.

Drake smiled and Josh temporarily lost the ability to swallow. He knew that smile and it was never good. "Sorry, dude," Drake said. "But there was a fly. It was just buzzing around your head. Buzz. Buzz."

Josh shoved more herring roll into his mouth and nearly bit through the fork's tines.

"So, Josh honey," Mom asked him. "I see you like my herring rolls." He looked up at her and saw her frown a little. "You seem to be the only one."

"I love 'em," he said around a mouthful. He speared another one off the platter and plopped it on his plate. "You should make 'em more often." Two more rolls and he'd be puffed up like a blowfish.

Mom beamed at him, but her attention was drawn away by Drake, master manipulator and all-around expert on making Josh suffer. "So Scotty's been on a Beach Boys kick lately. Today at practice, he suggested doing a cover of Good Vibrations. But I'm not so sure."

Josh felt more than saw Drake look at him, felt Drake's Dark Stare of Doom on the side of his face. "What do you think, Josh? Do you like Good Vibrations?"

Fine. Two could play at this game. "I think," he said, "you should tell Scotty to buzz off."

Drake snorted. "Buzz off," he said. "That's a good one."

"Buzz off," Dad said. "That reminds me of a good joke I heard the other day. Three bees walk into a bar..."

Josh tuned him out. He just kept eating, praying for anaphylactic shock. Bite, chew, swallow. Bite, chew, swallow. Why wasn't his throat closing, damn it?

"By the way, Josh," Mom said, as if on cue. "I talked to Dr. Lewis today and he said you're only allergic to certain warm water fish. Herring is a cold water fish, so eat all you want. It's good for you, you know. Full of omega-3's."

Omega-3's. Terrific. Maybe he'd overdose. Die from a healthy heart.

"…'Man, I'm buzzed!' " Dad finished and laughed.

So did Drake. The rat bastard.

*

"Josh, you awake?"

It was after 2AM and Josh was decidedly not asleep, having been plagued with visions of winged Pleasure Wands every time he closed his eyes.

Drake sucked.

"Dude, I'm sorry."

Still sucked.

"Come on, man."

Was 'sucktastic' a real word?

"Josh, I said I was sorry, alright? Come on. Say something."

"You suck."

The sheets rustled from across the room, followed by the familiar thud of Drake's bare feet hitting the floor. Josh pulled his blanket up over his face two seconds before he felt the edge of his mattress dip beside him.

"Josh."

"Go away."

"Josh, listen to me."

Josh gritted his teeth. "No, Drake. I will not listen to you. I don't listen to people who can't respect other people's personal bubbles."

"Personal bubbles?" Josh could hear the faint edge of laughter in Drake's voice.

Josh pulled his blankets down. "That's right," he said. "Personal bubbles. They're the regions around each person that are not to be encroached upon by others without an invitation. This also applies to said person's personal belongings and private sleeping quarters." He pulled the blankets back over his face.

"Been watching Judge Trudy again, I see."

Josh pulled the blankets down again. "There was a marathon on last night. Channel 122. Fights, Spites, and Bites: The Best of Judge Trudy. It was—" Wait, he wasn't talking to Drake. He pulled the blankets up again. "I'm not talking to you."

"Josh." Josh felt a hand on his shoulder through the blankets and tried to jerk away, but the hand remained. "Look, I'm sorry about going through your stuff."

"No, you're not."

He heard Drake sigh. "Okay, I'm not, but—"

"There is not 'but', Drake," Josh said and heard Drake snort. Ignoring it, he pushed on. "You had no right. I don't care if this used to be your room once. It's our room now. Yours and mine. And that means we need to respect each other's boundaries. I don't go through your stuff. You shouldn't—"

"I want to try it."

Um, what? "Um, what?"

Drake's fingers convulsed on Josh's shoulder. "Yeah, well, um…" Drake began. The bed shifted and Josh felt Drake's knee press against his hip. "I've been thinking about it and, well…I can't stop thinking about it."

Would it be possible to shove his blankets all the way into his lungs? "Drake—" Josh's mouth was suddenly dry.

"Shut up, Josh," Drake said with an edge of harshness. "Just stop talking and listen, alright?" Josh could hear Drake's breathing quicken and started to push the blankets down. But a push against his shoulder stopped him. "No. Um…just…stay under there, would you? Okay?"

"Okay." Josh barely whispered the word.

"When I found, you know…it, I thought it was funny. And then when I thought it was for Mindy, I thought it was gross. I mean, it's not like I don't know what they're used for, but…Mindy? My brain short-circuited thinking about it. And then when you said…" Drake cleared his throat and shifted on the bed again. "…when you said it was for you…well…"

Josh waited beneath the covers. It was starting to get hot under here—a combination of his own breath and the fierce blush warming his skin. "Well, what?" he asked softly.

"Um…well…like I said…I couldn't stop thinking about it," Drake said softly. "About what it would feel like, you know?"

When Drake paused again, Josh pulled the blankets down. The cool air of the room felt good against his face and when he looked up towards Drake, he found his brother staring back at him. "Then why were you torturing me all through dinner?"

Drake blinked at him for a moment, then said, "Because…because teasing you took my mind off my hard-on."

Josh pushed himself up on his elbows. "You're kidding."

"Dude," Drake said, trying to smile. "Do you think I asked for seconds of dessert because I like Fatman?"

Josh smirked. "It's called fattigmann, Drake. It's a—"

"Dude, whatever." Drake's fingers plucked at Josh's t-shirt. "Besides," he continued after another moment, "if you like it, then so will I."

Josh held Drake's eyes. His blush was receding, but he could still feel it just below the surface. "Drake, I like Chemistry. And magic. And Algebra. And Mindy."

"So?"

"So," Josh explained, "I like a lot of things you don't like."

"Yeah, but this is different," Drake said. "This is sex."

Damn blush. It was back in full force. It was that word. S-E-X. See? He couldn't even say it out loud inside his head.

"Not if it only involves one person. Technically, the definition of you know what is…" His words were lost in the warmth of Drake's t-shirt and the skin underneath as Drake leaned over him, his chest squashed up against Josh's face. Josh felt his pillows getting pushed back, then heard the scratch of nails against the false panel. After a couple seconds, Drake sat back and held the purple Supersex Pleasure Wand out to him in the moonlight.

"Okay," Drake said.

Mouth. Dry. And yup, that was his tongue again. In his throat.

"Um…" Josh said, looking down at the Pleasure Wand then back up at Drake. "Okay, what?"

Drake wiggled the Pleasure Wand in the air between them. "What you said. How you need two people. You can be the girl."

Josh smirked. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah," Drake said, warming to the subject. Which made Josh twelve different kinds of nervous. "You can be the girl. Do to me what Mindy does to you."

"Did." That was all Josh could manage.

"What?"

"She broke up with me."

"Again?"

"Thank you. Yes. Again."

"When?"

"Last week."

"And you didn't tell me because…"

"Because you'd say 'I told you so.'"

"I would not."

"Drake."

"Okay, maybe I would. But that would only be because I was right about her all along."

Josh rolled his eyes. "She is not the exiled queen of the planet Bitchtopia."

"No, Josh." Drake's voice softened. "She's not good enough for you. Never was."

Josh opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. How? How did Drake always manage to throw him off-balance? After four years, you'd think he'd know the warning signs.

"Look, Josh. If you don't want to do this, just tell me. I mean…" Drake sighed and looked down at his hand, which had fallen on the bed between them. "I know it's a crazy idea and that you're probably really freaking out inside that oversized head of yours, but…" He looked back up at Josh, his eyes dark pools in the moonlight. "It's just…I trust you more than anyone else in the world and God, I know how girly that sounds, but I want you to know—"

"Alright," Josh whispered, laying a hand on Drake's wrist.

Drake's eyes widened. "Really?"

Josh huffed a breath through his nose and squeezed Drake's wrist. "This is probably the craziest thing we've ever done."

"Crazier than tandem jumping out of a helicopter?" Drake asked, smiling.

Josh returned the gesture. "That wasn't crazy, Drake. That was desperate."

"Josh—"

"Be right back." Josh got up and padded to the door, turning the small lock on the knob, then jamming his desk chair against it for added security. By the time he sat back down on his bed, his heart was thudding against his ribs so urgently, he could barely hear his own voice above it.

He plucked the vibrator out of Drake's hand. It was warm where Drake's fingers had been wrapped around it and holy crap, if that little fact didn't go straight to his groin. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and looked at his brother, who was staring back at him unblinkingly. "Lie down," he said.

Drake nodded and settled back against Josh's pillows with his arms at his sides and his legs stretched out in front of him. "Should I take off my shirt or something?"

Josh swallowed again. "Um…no," he said, gripping the Pleasure Wand and shaking his head. "Not yet."

"Okay."

Josh just stared at him. It wasn't too late. He, they, could still go back. They could stop right now and pretend this was all just a big joke and tomorrow—well, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within three days—they would laugh about it. About how close they'd come to doing something so incredibly weird and universe-shifting that Josh was afraid it would change things between them forever.

"Are you sure about this?" he felt more than heard himself ask.

Drake responded by reaching his hand up and gripping Josh's right wrist, tugging Josh towards him. Josh obeyed, scooting across the mattress until his thigh pressed against Drake's hip. Then Drake moved his hand and suddenly the Pleasure Wand came to life against Josh's palm. He could feel the vibration all the way to his elbow. "Show me, Josh," Drake said to him. "Show me what you like."

Josh ran his dry tongue over his lips and ended the motion by drawing his bottom lip between his teeth. He was hard; he could feel his dick pressing against the soft cotton of his boxers and the layer of flannel over them. He wondered if Drake could see it in the darkness, then decided he didn't care. Because when he flicked his eyes to Drake's crotch, he saw the feeling was mutual.

He looked back up at Drake's face and knew Drake had seen him looking. Drake's lips were parted around slightly shallow breaths and his eyes held Josh's unwaveringly. He pressed his hand to Josh's leg. "Come on, Josh."

Josh nodded, more to psych himself up than as an affirmation. "Close your eyes."

Drake waited a couple seconds before he complied, then pushed his head back into the pillows and shut his eyes. Josh inched closer, Drake's hip hot against his leg, and lifted his hand. He was trembling and he readjusted his grip before touching it to the spot right below Drake's left ear. Drake's fingers dug into Josh's leg and his breath hitched. He tilted his head back, exposing more of his neck, his jaw in sharp relief in the watery light.

Josh drew the tip along Drake's jaw then up, pulling it slowly along Drake's bottom lip. Drake's mouth opened wider and Josh could just make out the tip of his tongue as it darted past his lips, touching the tip of the Pleasure Wand.

A small sound escaped Josh's throat and he felt his face flame. Drake's eyes opened and he smiled a little as he looked at Josh. "I like it," he said. "It kinda tickles."

Josh's hand stopped, the vibrator buzzing against Drake's right cheek. "Yeah."

Drake pushed his cheek against the vibrator. "Keep going," he said.

"Yeah. O-Okay."

Josh saw Drake's other hand grip a handful of blankets on Drake's left side. The hand on his thigh hadn't moved, though, and Josh could feel every movement of Drake's fingers through his pajama pants. He pulled the Pleasure Wand down Drake's cheek and over his jaw, sliding it across his Adam's apple to the little hollow at the base of his throat. Drake slid his hand farther up Josh's leg and Josh gritted his teeth, pressing his left hand against Drake's to keep it from going any farther.

Drake was still looking at him with a look so intense, Josh felt dizzy. "Um," he said, pulling the vibrator away. "I think we should stop." He flipped the switch and the lack of buzzing made their breathing seem louder.

Pulling his hand from beneath Josh's, Drake propped himself up on his elbows. "What's the matter?"

"N-Nothing," Josh said quickly. "I'm just…it's late and…and I'm tired. That's all."

"Bullshit," Drake said, his voice clear and calm. He sat up and scooted closer to Josh, until Josh could feel Drake's breath against his face. It smelled like toothpaste.

"Drake—"

"You're scared," Drake said. "You're scared because it turns you on."

"No. I—"

Drake leaned in, his lips so close, they were almost touching Josh's. "It turns me on, too."

Josh swallowed and felt himself blush all the way to his feet. He closed his fingers around the Pleasure Wand, which was resting on his thigh between them.

"It's okay to want it, Josh," Drake whispered and oh, God was that the tip of his tongue that just brushed along Josh's bottom lip?

"Drake."

Drake kissed him then—very lightly, just a brush of his lips across Josh's and a quick swipe of his tongue. Then he pulled back and met Josh's eyes. "Is that better?"

Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. "Um."

Drake's lips curved into a smile. "Everything's better with kissing," he said and leaned in again. He took Josh's bottom lip between his own and tugged on it, grazing it with his teeth. Another sound bubbled from Josh's throat and he felt Drake press in for more, repositioning his mouth for more coverage. Josh felt the unfamiliar roughness of stubble against his bottom lip and opened his mouth wider, feeling the slide of Drake's tongue against his own.

This time, it was Drake who made the sound.

Josh felt fingers in his hair and the slight increase in pressure as Drake pushed against his mouth. Drake shifted on the bed, getting up on his knees and sliding one between Josh's. Josh could feel it barely pressing against his dick and he jerked his hips, instinctively searching for more friction.

Drake pressed his knee closer.

Toothpaste. Josh tasted toothpaste and cinnamon mouthwash and ohmygod. He brought his hand up and grabbed hold of Drake's t-shirt. Pushed him away and felt a string of saliva snap between them. He tried to catch his breath, felt Drake's chest heaving with effort beneath his fist, and met his brother's eyes.

"What…" he asked between breaths. "What are we doing?"

Drake drew his tongue over his lips, his eyes flicking to Josh's mouth and back. "Kissing," he said. "Duh."

"We can't."

"Um, I think we can, Josh. 'Cause we just were." He smiled. "And you're better at it than I imagined you'd be."

Josh smirked. "You know what I mean, Drake. We sh…wait, better than you imagined?"

"Picked up on that, did you?"

"Drake."

"Yeah, yeah. Imagined. So what?"

"So what? So everything!"

"Josh, relax. I'm a teenage boy. I dream about having sex with just about everyone. Don't you?"

Josh opened his mouth, sputtered something, then huffed a breath. Okay, so yeah. Maybe. But he wasn't going to admit it. "This isn't a dream, Drake. This is real. This is..was actually happening. And I'm not just anyone. I'm your brother. And this? This is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. For about…" He looked off into space as he counted in his head. "…seven reasons I can think of right now."

"Such as?" Drake leaned in again, his breath warm and wet against Josh's lips. Damn that Extra Minty Fresh toothpaste. He was switching to Orange Burst tomorrow.

Josh released his grip on Drake's shirt and started ticking points off with his fingers. "Such as you're my brother. You're a boy. We both like girls. Megan would blackmail us until we're eighty if she ever caught us. You're my brother—"

"You already said that one."

"It bears repeating!" Josh started over with his index finger. "Also, we—"

Drake was giggling.

"What?"

Drake gestured to Josh's hands. "You're making your points with the Pleasure Wand."

Josh looked down at his hands. Sure enough, he was ticking of the points on his left hand with the vibrator he still held in his right. He dropped it to the bed like it was on fire.

Drake picked it up. "Dude, those would all be valid points if they weren't so ridiculously unvalid."

"Invalid."

"You say potato, I say spud. Just listen to me." Drake held up his own left hand and started ticking off his points. Or his counterpoints. With the Pleasure Wand. "First of all, we're stepbrothers. That means our kids wouldn't have tails or anything. Second, don't you ever watch late night cable? Boys kiss each other all the time. Third, yes I like girls. You like girls. But I'll let you in on a little secret: Girls like boys who like other boys. And here's another fun fact: My dick doesn't give a shit if you pee standing up. As long as it's getting attention, it's happy. And as for Megan, she won't blackmail us because she'll never know."

Josh wasn't so sure about that, but Drake seemed sure. Which, if he thought about it, shouldn't really be that reassuring considering their past history. "But—"

"Besides," Drake said, leaning in again. Josh felt a little dizzy. "You're, like, the third best kisser on my list."

Josh grinned despite himself. "Third? Really?" 'Cause that was a really long list, so third was like winning the lotto.

"Really." Then Drake was kissing him again before he could move out of the way. Warm lips, wet tongue. Pressure and heat twisting in his belly. With both hands free, Josh grabbed fistfuls of Drake's t-shirt and pulled him closer. Drake pressed his knee against Josh's dick and swallowed Josh's moan.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Josh felt the vibration against his belly, right below his navel. The sensation startled him and he jerked backwards. Drake was looking at him with heavy-lidded eyes and a salacious grin. He dragged it lower, sliding it along the length of Josh's cock through his pajamas and Josh's fingers convulsed in Drake's shirt. He could feel Drake's nipples, hard beneath his knuckles, and heard Drake's sharp intake of breath at the friction.

Drake drew the vibrator back up again slowly. Josh lowered his hands, curled his fingers beneath the hem of Drake's t-shirt, and tugged. Drake lifted his arms and Josh pulled it completely off, dropping it to the floor beside the bed. The static made Drake's hair halo around his head and Josh smiled.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked, touching Drake's face.

Drake smiled back and pressed his lips to Josh's. The Pleasure Wand buzzed between them and Josh felt Drake press it into his hand. "I thought you'd never ask," Drake whispered against his lips.

*

Josh pressed the Pleasure Wand to Drake's opening and felt Drake's fingers close in his hair. Pressing a little harder, Drake cried out against Josh's lips and drew his knee further up, pushing harder against the vibrator.

"Josh," Drake choked out between ragged breaths. "Come on. Please. Put it in."

Josh smiled and slid his lips to Drake's cheek. "You won't need that," he whispered, placing a kiss on Drake's cheekbone. "Trust me."

Drake squirmed beneath him and whined a little. "Josh." The name was barely a breath as Drake closed his fingers around Josh's dick.

Josh inhaled sharply and his grip on the Pleasure Wand faltered at the touch, nearly slipping from his hand. He turned his head to capture Drake's lips again as he readjusted his fingers around the vibrator. Sliding it slowly upwards, he guided it behind Drake's balls and pressed it to the sweet spot there.

Drake bucked against him and dug his teeth into Josh's bottom lip. The sharp-sweet pain of it drew a moan from Josh's lips. He pressed the vibrator harder against Drake. Drake, in turn, tightened his grip on Josh's dick and stroked him, running his thumb over the head and dipping the tip of it into the slit.

Josh jerked his hips and pulled the vibrator away, then pushed it back again, tasting Drake's huff of breath against his tongue. He could feel the length of Drake's cock against his belly, the heat of it, the heaviness of it, the wet slick against his skin, could feel the back of Drake's knuckles pressing below his navel as he stroked Josh's cock.

And it was more and too much and not enough all in one and Josh jerked his hips again, into the circle of Drake's fist, pressed the Pleasure Wand against Drake's sweet spot and closed his eyes against the sudden explosion of light inside his skull.

Seconds slid by as Josh caught his breath and he felt Drake shift beneath him. "Let me up," he heard Drake say next to his ear with what he swore was a tinge of regret and felt hands push against his ribs.

Josh slid off and rolled onto his belly, burying his face halfway in the pillow. The bed dipped as Drake moved and when Josh looked at him, he saw Drake standing beside the bed, dragging a t-shirt down his chest and belly without looking at him.

It was only then that Josh heard it. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The Pleasure Wand. He was still holding it and he hadn't turned it off. He flicked the switch and dropped it on the bed beside him. Looked at Drake again and found him still not looking at him.

Fuck.

This. This was what he was afraid of—the awkward after when they stopped being DrakeandJosh and started being Drake and Josh. Josh had let Drake talk him into something he knew they shouldn't do. Again. And okay, so it was something that, if he were honest with himself, he'd been wanting for a while, but still; he knew it was wrong. He knew it would ruin everything.

But then there was all the touching and the kissing and the vibrating and the…ugh.

Damn Drake and his lack of personal boundaries. This was all his fault. If he had just kept his hands to himself, they wouldn't be in this mess. They wouldn't be Drake and Josh; they'd still be DrakeandJosh. They'd still be brothers and best friends, who mixed their sodas and played video games and finished each other's thoughts. Who maybe touched a little more than normal brothers and normal best friends, but did so with their clothes on, at least. And that, to anyone who may be listening, was, no matter how borderline inappropriate, still a far cry from Naked Touching.

Borderline inappropriate fully-clothed touching? DrakeandJosh. Naked Touching? Drake and Josh.

Josh pressed his face into the pillow and prayed for an aneurism.

"Dude, Moviemax After Hours is on. Wanna watch?" Drake's voice sounded far away and when Josh lifted his head, he found his brother looking at him over the back of the sofa, dressed in clean pajamas, silhouetted against the glow of the TV.

Josh blinked at him over his shoulder. "Uh…sure."

"Awesome," Drake said, sliding off the sofa. "I'll get the snacks."

Josh watched him walk over to the mini fridge, then stood up, wiping himself off with the corner of his sheet. He found his pajamas in a heap on the floor and bent to retrieve them. He had them pulled up and was tying the bow when he heard Drake say, "And bring Wanda."

Josh stopped and looked over at his brother. "Wanda?"

Drake grinned at him. "That's what I named it. It's easier than saying 'Pleasure Wand' all the time."

Josh just stared at him. "Shouldn't it have a boy's name?" he asked, finishing tying the bow. "I-I mean, don't they usually?"

Drake shrugged, nestling a bottle of Mountain Fizz in the crook of his right arm. "How should I know? You're the one with the vibrator."

"But you're the one who wants to name it."

"Well, what did you and Mindy call it?" Josh saw Drake shudder. "Wait, never mind. I don't want to know."

Josh shook his head. He retrieved his t-shirt from the floor and slipped it over his head, stretched across the bed and grabbed the Pleasure Wand. Padding to the sofa, he slipped it between the cushion and the sofa arm as he plopped down next to Drake, who was carefully arranging the snacks by category: salty and crunchy, sweet and chewy.

On the television, a blonde with ginormous fake boobs was in the process of dropping her thong for the meter reader with the permanent five o'clock shadow.

"I could totally do that," Drake said, settling against Josh in the sofa. He gestured to the TV with a bag of Cheezy Curlz, then offered it to Josh, his knee bumping against Josh's.

Josh felt himself smile. Okay, so the after? Not so awkward after all. "Buzz," he said.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Drake look at him. "Huh?"

"That's what we called it," Josh said. "Mindy and me. It was onomatopoetic."

Drake just stared at him as he chewed, then swallowed. "Is that, like, nerd for orgasm?" he asked on a burst of Cheezy Curl breath.

Josh laughed. Still DrakeandJosh, he thought.

The End