Chapter 3

No, it just can not be that her brother is the same man who killed your sweet Caitlin, can it?

Your mind is racing, heart pounding in your chest. She is looking so guilty, as if everything that happened is her fault.

"You don't have to feel guilty. You are not the one who shot her. He is. There was nothing you could have done."

It's hard to say these words. Even though you forgive her already. Sure, Kate's death was the hardest thing in your life, but she is not to blame.

"But I should have known. If only I had known what he was planning. If I hadn't been this blind to the truth, maybe, I could have stopped him before he did it. Not after, when he already was in Gibbs' basement..."

"Wait, give me a second." You ask confused. "But Gibbs killed him, didn't he? That was what he told all of us. And Gibbs never lies, at least not to me."

Ziva seems to be thinking for a second. Then she blurts out the truth.

"He lied to protect me from my father's punishment. I would be dead by now if Gibbs hadn't told all of you that he was the one who killed Ari."

"But why..." You interrupt.

"My father is the Director of the Mossad. He would have ordered me to be killed had he known I killed my own brother, his son. You cannot tell anyone ever, Abby."

It shocks you to realise how much her admission could cost her, and it surprises you how much she must trust you to be telling you this.

"Is that why you..." She interrupts before you can finish your question.

"Yes, that's why I needed to stay here." She whispers voiceless. "Although it is not the only reason." She admits even softer.

You decide to let that second comment slide, at least for now.
You feel sorry for her. But you still have to ask.

"How did it happen? I mean, you wouldn't have killed your brother just because someone told you so, at least I wouldn't."

"No, you're right."

And so she begins.

"Gibbs knew I had the necessary facilities to contact Ari. He wanted to proof to me that he was right about him and his betrayal.

He believed me to do what was right when the moment would come. I didn't think any second that Ari would really tap into the trap Gibbs and I had set. I guess I didn't really know him anymore, even before the moment he got into Gibbs basement."

She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes when tears start to come. You suddenly feel like an invader. You have never seen her cry before. You thought she didn't do it. This was why you hadn't believed the rumour about her crying in the bathroom once.

She concentrates once again and then continues talking.

"He started talking like he was mad. About the bastard our father was, how he would kill Gibbs because he reminded him of our father. When he finally raised the weapon in his hands I couldn't wait any longer. If I hadn't done it, Gibbs would be dead."

"So he owed me, but now I owe him too. I saved his life and he saved mine in return. Knowing what would happen to me otherwise."

She takes on deep breath.

"I killed him, my brother, the only one who ever stood up for me. I killed him with one single bullet between the eyes. Just like he shot your beloved Caitlin."

One for another significant other, your crazy mind adds.

"But it hurts so deep inside." She's whispering again. Seemingly all the strength has left her body.

"Oh my god, why didn't you ever tell?" You ask her.

"I..." Ziva seems to struggle with the right words. Instead she starts sobbing once more. You ask yourself how she could have kept all of this back for so long. You have the sudden urge to hold her.

"I didn't think you would understand." Even more tears followed.

"I do now." You reassure her. (Even though you can't help asking yourself what changed. Why she was able to tell you now.)

And with these words you pull her closer, caress her cheeks. Wipe away the tears with your thumbs. She is shivering, but her erratic breath is hot on your neck. You take one of the blankets lying on the armrest of the couch, spread it out over your intertwined bodies. Use it to cover the two of you.

You sit there for a long time, entwined, she still shuddering, you keeping her close. The shirt you're wearing soaked from her tears.

You try a light smile when she opens her eyes, unusually red, but still beautiful and warm in their darkness.

"Just give it some time, everything will fall into its place. We'll talk later if there is anything else you feel the need to tell. Everything is gonna be alright." You promise her and yourself too.

"Now that you're here." She replies. "Now that you know, right?"

"Yeah, but seriously, I'm starving, we should eat something." You earn a smile and know that it will be all right. For once it was all right to show your weakness. Not only for you, but for her too.