Previously in Chapter 3: Hyde flashbacked to Thanksgiving 1983 when he and Jackie squabbled and wreaked havoc (in the form of Mrs. Forman's kitchen). Back in the present, Hyde was informed by Donna that Jackie's "wonderful" boyfriend plans to propose during Jackie's visit to Point Place. Donna also convinces Hyde to go with the rest of the gang to the airport to greet Jackie, where they await her arrival…

Disclaimer: My rights to That '70s Show are non-existent. I own nothing.

Chapter 4- Snowstorms in Hell

Monday, December 24th, 1984

Point Place, Wisconsin

Forman's Basement

It was so quiet, you could hear one of Fez's candy wrappers drop.

"C'mon, guys, don't you think you two are being a bit ridiculous?" Eric questioned. "How long do you plan on keeping up the awkward silent routine?"

The pissed-off look both Jackie and Hyde shot him told him that they did not think they were being ridiculous and they had no immediate plans to end their awkward silent routine.

"Eric's right," Donna added. "You guys haven't spoken in two days. Don't you think you're taking things a bit far?"

Kelso nodded in agreement as he bit off the top of his cherry Popsicle. "Yeah, you two are totally bringing down the group." He pointed his partially eaten Popsicle at them. "What you guys need is a stress release." Kelso's eyes racked Jackie up and down. "You know, Jackie, I could help you with that. Why don't we go out back to my van and I'll provide you with my services?" he suggestively offered.

Jackie made a face. "No thanks, Michael," she rejected before smirking, "but feel free to service Steven."

Kelso immediately cried in protest, his voice level elevating to girlish proportions, "No way! I am strictly serviceable to women only! There's no service if there's no boobs." He took another bite of his Popsicle. "If Hyde needs a stress release, Fez can help him…"

Fez bristled, glaring at Kelso. "I most certainly cannot, you sonofabitch. I am far too busy with my lady to provide our lonely, bitter friend, Hyde, with any services—"

"Hey! Who said I'm lonely?" Hyde barked. "I get more chicks than I know what to do with!" He paused. "Actually, I do know what to do with them. I simply don't have time."

"Besides, my tall, gangly friend," Fez continued addressing Kelso, "I seem to recall that one time you didn't mind providing your services to a guy—"

"FEZ!" Kelso yelled. Then, in low tones, "You promised not to talk about that," he hissed.

"Kelso, you serviced a guy?" Donna prodded, amused.

"NO! Well…NO!" came the immediate rebuttal.

Eric raised both eyebrows. "You don't sound very sure…"

"I never serviced a guy!" Kelso persisted. "I may have made out with a guy…accidentally."

Jackie, lacking tact (as usual), asked, "How do you accidentally make out with a guy?"

"HE HAD BOOBS!" Kelso hollered in his own defense. "I mean, seriously…guys are not supposed to have boobs! How was I to know it was a dude?"

"He did look remarkably like a woman," Fez conceded.

"And anyway," Kelso carried on, "I was drunk at the time."

"But then what are we going to do about Hyde's little problem?" Fez questioned. "Who will provide service to help him relax? Eric and Donna are two sticks in the mud—"

"Fez! We're married!" Donna broke in.

"And we're totally not sticks in the mud!" Eric objected (only to have Jackie and Hyde scoff loudly at him).

"—and Jackie is more likely to hurt him than help him," Fez ran on as if Eric and Donna were not highly insulted, "and while I feel for my friend Hyde's little problem, I have my lady to consider."

Hyde folded his arms in frustration. "Look, you foul-minded freaks. First of all, I don't have a problem. Second, if I did have a problem, it wouldn't be little." From beneath his sunglasses, he gave Kelso and Fez a stern look. "And I don't care what you guys do with each other or with anyone else, but if either of you touch me, I'll kick your ass," he threatened.

Kelso waved his Popsicle in the air dramatically. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying. Allow me to assure you that the whole making out with a guy thing was just a huge misunderstanding. Believe me, I would never dream of coming anywhere near your man-parts…Oh, Crap!"

The gang watched as Kelso lost his grip on his cherry Popsicle, causing it to sail through the air and land directly…

…on Hyde's crotch.

Needless to say, Hyde was not happy about this development. He glared at Kelso through his sunglasses, who foolishly appeared as if he wanted to speak. "Kelso, I suggest you keep your mouth shut and stay away from me," he warned.

But, as always, Kelso proved slow on the uptake…

"Dude! I totally didn't mean it!" He scanned the room with a panicked expression. "Jackie made me do it!"

"Michael!" Jackie admonished.

"Look, Hyde! Let me fix it!" Kelso made to move towards Hyde's crotch, hand reaching out…

"Kelso, if that hand comes any closer, I'll break it off."

Kelso immediately snatched his hand back.

Without thinking, Jackie ran to get a paper towel from by the refrigerator. "Here, Steven. Use this," she said, handing him the paper towel.

Hyde accepted it. "Thanks, Jackie," he absentmindedly responded.

"No problem. You know, you should go change and throw those pants in the washer right away," she told him. "This one time, some clumsy bitch spilled red wine all over one of my super expensive designer gowns and I waited. It was ruined!" She shrugged. "But it's not like I could have worn it again anyway. In New York, it's so tacky to wear the same thing twice. I gave the gown away to some poor girl, and she was thrilled." She nodded. "Yeah, I'm really nice like that."

Hyde gave her a strange look. "Jackie, I'm a guy. I don't care about stains." He looked down at himself. "Though I'm not sure I want a red blotch on my crotch…"

"Yeah, you look like you just got your period," she stated bluntly.

"Hey! You two are talking!" Eric cried with delight. "This is great! The awkward silent routine is at an end!"

Having forgotten their awkward silent routine, Jackie and Hyde both immediately opened their mouths in shock…

Then they looked towards Eric…

Then they looked toward each other…

Then they glared at each other….

Then they snapped their mouths shut…

Then they turned away from each other.

Jackie was horrified at her own behavior. What was she thinking, offering help? That was so unlike her! Besides, Steven was a jackass and she was supposed to be mad at him. She should have let him deal with his Popsicle problem on his own!

Hyde was horrified by Jackie's behavior as well. What was she thinking, offering him assistance? That wasn't like Jackie at all. And what was he thinking? He wasn't supposed to be talking to the spoiled, self-centered brunette after that scene she made.

To the rest of the gang, it was clear Jackie and Hyde had reached a silent agreement whereby they remain silent by keeping up their awkward silent routine.

Eric shook his head in defeat. "You guys are going to persist with the awkward silence routine, aren't you?"

***FLASHBACK***

Saturday, December 22nd, 1984

Kenosha, Wisconsin

Kenosha Regional Airport

"FLIGHT 278 FROM JFK AIRPORT IS NOW DEBOARDING…"

Jackie was back…

…with a broken shoe.

Not exactly the envy-inspiring entrance she had envisioned making, but she did her best to carry herself like the super hot, super successful woman she was…

Which was not an easy task when the 4-inch heel of one of her shoes was broken, causing her height to fluctuate with each step.

Step by uneven step, Jackie made her way to the gate, anticipating the overwhelming reaction everyone would have at her arrival. And why wouldn't they? She was rich, successful, and ridiculously attractive. They should be thrilled at her mere presence!

Arriving at the gate, she plastered a megawatt smile on her face in preparation of her glowing welcome…

…only to have the smile slide right off her face at her actual welcome.

Fez and Donna were currently making quite a spectacle of themselves, brawling over what appeared to be a candy bag. Using her abnormal man-like abilities, the redheaded lumberjack soon maneuvered the smaller foreign man into a headlock…

"C'mon, candy boy! Just hand the bag over and no one has to get hurt!" Donna threatened.

Fez clutched the bag in his hands closer to his chest. "You know, in my country, you would be tortured and killed for this," Fez seethed despite Donna's hold.

And things went downhill from there. As Donna made a desperate lunge for Fez's candy bag, a loud booming voiced heckled…

"DUDE, THAT WAS SO HOT! I TOTALLY GOT A PEEK DOWN DONNA'S SHIRT!"

Jackie immediately recognized the voice of her ex-boyfriend, Michael Kelso. Had she actually dated him? What was she thinking?

"Man, I always wanted to be tackled by a hot chick!" Kelso exclaimed. He then bellowed, "HEY, BIG RED! IT'S MY TURN NEXT!"

"Guys, I think I may be dying," the feeble voice of Eric whined. "Not that anyone cares…"

Eric, who had separated himself from the Donna-Fez skirmish, was currently bleeding profusely out of his nose (and the tissue he was using did very little to curtail said bleeding). Of course, everyone seemed far more interested in the current candy bag battle than Eric's announcement of his impending death.

God, Jackie had forgotten how lame her friends were.

And their worst offense—they hadn't even noticed her!

Seriously, how could their heads not automatically turn at her presence? Jackie scoffed and turned her head from her friends' disgusting ignorance.

It was only when she changed her view that she realized one person's head had turned at her presence.

And that curly head belonged to…

Steven Hyde.

There he stood—sunglasses, rock T-shirt and all—staring directly at her from about twenty feet away. Jackie's breathe caught in her throat as she stared back.

It was as if time had stopped. For several seconds, they held each other's gaze. Despite his sunglasses, Jackie knew his eyes were piercing right into hers. In that gaze there was there was a sense of recognition, of remembrance, and of…of something she couldn't quite place…

Slowly, without breaking eye contact, Hyde began to make his way towards her. Jackie involuntarily shivered as he made his approach. Stopping only a few feet from her, he remained silent. He did not need words to speak, however, because his eyes spoke volumes. When he broke eye contact, his eyes began a slow, deliberate perusal of her body. Jackie fought not to react as he leisurely scanned her silhouette as if he was studying every part of her. She could almost feel the burning path of his gaze imprinting on her skin…

It was torturous.

It was wondrous.

It was unnerving.

After what seemed like an eternity, his gaze returned to her eyes, his expression unchanged.

Uncharacteristically, Jackie found herself unable to speak. She watched as Hyde opened his mouth and waited with bated breath to hear his words…

The air around them felt heavy, as if the slightest misstep could shatter their fragile, unspoken bond…

"What the hell happened to your shoe?" Hyde bluntly asked, his voice rough. "You were waddling like a lopsided duck."

The air around them fell like a ton of bricks. Hyde's words shattered their fragile, unspoken bond with the delicacy of an atomic bomb.

Jackie immediately scowled at her insensitive ex-boyfriend.

He was calm.

He was cool.

He was an ass.

Crap.

Hyde knew that look.

Jackie was pissed off and was preparing to spew her wrath with that screechy voice of hers. And she would most likely spew it in his direction.

He had seen her from afar and as much as he was loathe to admit it—she looked good. Damn good. Not that he would tell her that. So he didn't. Instead, he compared her to a lopsided duck.

Now she was looking at him as if she wanted to roast him like a duck.

"I look NOTHING like a duck, Steven!" Jackie screeched, commencing foretold wrath spewing.

Wincing at her shrill tones, "Hey, I didn't say you looked like a duck. I said you waddled like a duck," Hyde defended. Then, looking down, "Not a big surprise when you wear crappy shoes like that."

Jackie's jaw dropped in indignation. "Excuse me? Crappy?" She waved a finger at him. "I'll have you know these shoes are designer. Designer shoes are not crappy. Do you have any idea how much these shoes cost?"

"Clearly it was a good investment," Hyde remarked with flippant sarcasm, motioning towards her broken heel.

Jackie's venomous eyes racked him over. "Yeah, well, at least my wardrobe has changed over the past decade" came the scathing reply. "I mean, seriously Steven, the seventies have been over for a while now."

Hyde, to Jackie's chagrin, was not remotely bothered by that comment. Instead, he went on some conspiracy-charged rant she failed to understand.

"Thank you. I pride myself on not succumbing to the frivolous, over-excessive trends of the eighties that cater to mind-numbing followers such as yourself in what I suspect is a secret plot designed by the government to test mind-control techniques," Hyde heatedly ranted, "They use the media to send subliminal messages, making people think that crap like Duran Duran qualifies as music and making women think they look good in shoulder pads." To further his point, "Think about it. I mean, why else would women wear something as unattractive as shoulder pads if they weren't being mind-controlled?"

Following Hyde's rant, Jackie was frozen with what can only be described as complete and total confusion. Brow furrowed, mouth perched slightly open, his latest conspiracy theory had proved too much for a mind-numbing trend-follower like her to compute.

In other words, it was apparent she had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Steven, what the hell are you talking about?" Jackie demanded. She shook her head. "Never mind, it doesn't matter. I like Duran Duran," she arrogantly stated. "I agree with you about shoulder pads, though. They're way too manly! Seriously, what self-respecting woman would want to look like a football player?" A thought struck her. "Oh my god! I bet Donna loves shoulder pads!"

Hyde sighed. She just didn't get it.

He looked away from the frustrating brunette…

…only to notice a large candy bag catapulting in their direction.

"WHOA! INCOMING!" came Kelso's belated cry.

And at the same time…

"NOOO! MY CANDY!" came Fez's anguished cry.

But Hyde had already leapt into action, grabbing Jackie around the waist and pulling her out of the candy bag's treacherous path in the nick of time.

It was a close save.

Not a second after Hyde pulled Jackie to safety, the candy bag whizzed through the exact spot Jackie's head had been before proceeding to land unceremoniously on the floor, candy scattering in disarray.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS THINK YOU WERE DOING?" Hyde barked at his foolish friends. "You could have taken Jackie's head off!"

"Yeah," Jackie acknowledged, flipping her hair back. "Do you have ANY IDEA how long it took me to fix my hair? It could have been RUINED!"

Donna, Fez, Kelso, and a profusely bleeding Eric ceased their shenanigans to turn their attention to the pissed-off duo.

"JACKIE!" Kelso hollered in delight. "When did you get back?"

Jackie rolled her eyes and scoffed, "A while ago, but you morons have been too busy embarrassing yourselves to notice."

"Ah, Jackie," Fez spoke, "It is so good to have you back. Point Place has not been the same without your bitchy insults and superior attitude." His eyes flickered between Jackie and Hyde. "Judging from the way you two embrace like lovers, it seems you too have been busy. Don't tell me I missed the big make-out session while Donna was so rudely attacking me for my candy." He pouted, looking down. "Oh, my poor candy. Look at you, all over to floor as if no one wants to eat you…"

As Fez lamented over his fallen candy, Jackie and Hyde were frozen with shock.

Slowly, they turned to look at one another and realized (to their horror) that they were still in each other's embrace.

For a moment, they just stared at one another.

Then…

"What the hell…?"

"Ugh! Get off me!"

Following their cries of disgust, they sprang apart with such force one would have thought they'd caught fire.

They both immediately turned away, unable to look one another in the eye.

Damnit. Hyde hated awkward situations. And things had somehow turned awkward. "I…uh…there's nothing going on!" he insisted to the rest of the gang.

Jackie instantly began nodding. "Yeah, as if anything could ever happen between us!" she chided as if the idea was absurd…

…before remembering that the absurd previously occurred. Shifting on the shoe that still had a heel, "Well, at least not anymore," she amended.

Turning to Jackie, Hyde emphasized, "Absolutely! I only touched you because of the candy bag!"

Affronted at the notion of only being touched because of a candy bag, "Please! As if I would have let you anywhere near me if my hair hadn't been in dire jeopardy! You're lucky the candy bag afforded you the opportunity to touch me!" Jackie cried.

Now Hyde was affronted. "Lucky?" he echoed in disbelief. "Lucky is finding an extra twenty bucks in an old pair of pants. Lucky is not nearly being pelted with a candy bag and having your ex-girlfriend thrust herself at you."

Jackie's eyes flashed. "Thrust myself at you? I seem to recall you being the one grabbing me." Flipping her hair again, "Not that I blame you. It's not every day a person gets so close to perfection. If I were you, I would use a candy bag to get close to me too."

Hyde gaped at her. "You know, I think all that hairspray has made you delusional."

"I'm not delusional. I'm ridiculously attractive."

Jackie examined her nails as Hyde continued to gape at her.

Did they even recall anyone else was there?

Clearing her throat, Donna came forward. "Hey, Jackie," she greeted, hugging the petite woman. "I'm so glad you're back. I hadn't realized how aggravating hanging out with the guys can be until the past few days."

Jackie looked the large lumberjack-like woman over. "Yeah, I can tell. You dress worse than ever. But never fear, I'm here and I'm going to make you so much more attractive." Then, in a grave tone, "Donna, I have to ask you something. How do you feel about shoulder pads?"

Donna gave her a quizzical look. Shrugging, "I like them."

"Ugh! There's no hope for you!" Jackie cried, throwing up her hands.

Surprisingly, Donna smiled. "I really missed you, Jackie," she said sincerely.

"Yeah, even I missed you. The basement's been far too quiet without you," Eric teased, stepping forward.

Jackie immediately stepped back. "Eww! Don't you dare touch me!" she ordered, eyeing the blood on his shirt that resulted from his never-ending nosebleed. "I am far too pretty for you to contaminate. Why don't you go bleed over there?" Jackie rudely suggested, pointing somewhere off in the distance.

Eric stared at her for a second before replying, "Did I say I missed you? I must have misspoke."

"So, Jackie," Kelso started, draping his arm around her. "You like my sign?" he asked, holding it out for her to see with his other arm.

Jackie looked critically at the sign that said, "WELLCOME HOME JACKIE" and featured a green blob that appeared to be giving her the finger.

Looking back at her goofy ex-boyfriend, "You know there's supposed to be only one 'L' in welcome, right?"

Inexplicably, Kelso started laughing. "Donna tried that joke too!" he chuckled. "Only one 'L' in welcome!" he repeated as if it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. "You have to get up pretty late in the day to pull one over on me…" He paused, frowning. "Wait…pretty late in the day…that's how it goes, right?"

Everyone just shook their heads at their dull-witted friend.

"Pay no attention to the tall, empty-headed man," Fez suggested, bumping Kelso out of the way (effectively ignoring Kelso's squawk of protest). "Forget that sad little sign that gives you the finger. I went out of my way to buy you a box of candy," he announced, handing said box over.

"Oh, Fez. You shouldn't have," she gushed. Then, opening the box, "You didn't. Fez, there are only three pieces of candy in this box!"

"Yes, well, I got a tad hungry," Fez admitted. "Speaking of which, I hope you don't mind…" Fez helped himself to another piece of candy from the box, leaving only two left.

Jackie rolled her eyes.

Seemingly remembering something, Fez began scanning the area, "So, where is that wonderful boyfriend of yours? I wanted to see if he is as foxy as Richard Dawson…"

Hyde's gaze snapped to Jackie. "Yeah, where the hell is Mr. Wonderful? Wasn't he supposed to be here?"

Looking distinctly uncomfortable, "Rick had a business emergency, but he'll be here on Christmas Eve," Jackie reluctantly disclosed.

"Aww. That means I have to wait to see if he is as foxy as Richard Dawson," Fez pouted. "The anticipation is killing me."

"You know, I'm starting to think Mr. Wonderful isn't real," Hyde cynically reflected. "I mean, how long have you two been dating? Two years and none of us has seen the guy?"

"Two and a half years," Jackie corrected harshly. "And you'll see him in two days. He's chartering a private jet so he can be with me. Because he's wonderful like that." She looked around. With her hands on her hips, "Don't you think it's time you guys stopped standing around and went to pick up my luggage?"

Hyde folded his arms. "What do we look like? Your servants?"

Jackie raised an eyebrow that said that was exactly what she thought they looked like.

Bitch.

"C'mon, I'll point out my luggage," Jackie insisted as she began hobbling away.

"Jackie, what's up with your shoe?" Eric piped up. "You're walking like—"

Whirling around, "Don't even think about saying I walk like a duck!" Jackie warned.

Eric held his hands up in mock surrender. "I wasn't going to say that. But now that you mention it…"

Jackie treated him to a deadly glare. "My shoe broke when I was boarding the plan. God, this whole trip just has 'disaster' written all over it," she seethed.

"Poor Jackie." Fez patted her on the back sympathetically. In a somber tone, "Those shoes are designer. This is indeed a fashion travesty."

"Thank you!" Jackie cried. Then, glaring at Hyde, "I'm glad somebody understands my plight."

"I'd say now would be a good time to get the hell out of here," Hyde snapped. "Let's go get the damn baggage."

"But how can we leave when my candy is all over the floor?" Fez lamented.

Donna shrugged. "What does it matter? There's plenty in the van for me to eat…"

Fez's looked ready to spit fire. "Oh, no you don't, Missy! You'll stay the hell away from my candy!"

"Who's gonna stop me?" Donna taunted, walking away.

"Come back here, you candy wench! You are NOT touching my candy!" Fez hollered after her, trailing from behind.

"Dude, I gotta see this! Donna is HOT when she pummels Fez," Kelso whooped, following after them.

Eric shook his head. "Why do I have the feeling I'll be the one who ends up getting pummeled?" He paused. "Oh, wait. Maybe because I already did," he sarcastically referred to his blood-gushing nose before resignedly following after his wife and friends.

As if to himself, "I knew I was too cool to go to the airport with those morons," Hyde commented.

"Tell me about it," Jackie remarked, surprising him. "I should have just hired a limo."

Hyde found himself watching Jackie with interest.

She was short.

She was a pain-in-the-ass.

She was freakin' hot.

He continued to watch as she began to walk away with as much grace as she could muster with a broken shoe. She did have a nice back view, even if she hobbled like a…

"Quack, quack," he imitated, unable to help himself.

As expected, she immediately turned to glare at him. "Steven! I do not waddle like a duck!"

Shrugging, "Hey, if the designer shoe fits…"

She turned away from him with a huff.

"Do you have a lot of luggage?" Hyde asked as they made their way to the baggage claim so he could get the hell away from this damn airport.

Flipping her hair back, "Nah, I just brought a few things…"

30 minutes later…

Somewhere Between Kenosha and Point Place

Inside Kelso's New Van

"Jackie, I'd love for you to explain to me how six suitcases constitute a few things," Hyde snidely requested.

"Yeah, and what the hell did you have in those suitcases?" Eric asked. "I think I may have thrown out my shoulder," he complained, rubbing his left shoulder as if to emphasis his point.

Donna rolled her eyes. "C'mon, you carried the lightest one. Mine was twice as heavy as yours," she told her husband.

"Thanks, Donna," Eric dryly responded.

"I do not know why you guys are making such a fuss," Fez pragmatically commented. "I am sure Jackie has a good reason for her excessive luggage. Like she has brought me lots of Christmas presents."

"Actually, Rick is bringing everyone's presents," Jackie revealed. "I didn't have enough room in my suitcases."

Fez looked aghast. "You mean you brought no presents for Fez?" he asked, making a fuss.

"You guys are overreacting. Really, I was traveling light," Jackie told them all with a straight face.

Hyde raised an eyebrow. Laying heavy on the sarcasm, "You call six suitcases traveling light?"

Jackie sighed. He just didn't get it.

"Hey, I usually bring ten suitcases. But this time, I only brought the essentials. I mean, I only brought two sets of hot rollers with me. Do you realize how much I'm sacrificing?" Jackie shook her head. "I should have packed another suitcase of hair care products. Now, I'm going to have go shopping!" Looking around at their stunned faces, "I don't get what you guys are complaining about," she said with complete seriousness.

After recovering from the absurdity of Jackie's statements, Eric wryly remarked, "Well, I'm glad to know I've thrown out my shoulder for such a noble cause. I would hate for your beauty regimen to suffer."

Jackie gave him a pointed look. "That reminds me, Eric. You didn't bleed all over my luggage, did you?" she tactlessly asked, referring to his nosebleed.

Eric blinked before saying, "Exactly how long did you say you were staying for?"

Once the topic of Jackie's excessive luggage fell through, Donna started up with, "Kelso, your new van is pretty nice. I didn't really notice on the way to the airport."

"That is because you were too busy trying to steal my candy, you evil redheaded candy vixen," Fez spitefully snapped, protectively clutching his horde of candy.

Ignoring Fez, Kelso chuckled from behind the wheel. "Thanks, Donna. I bought this baby because of the great interior."

"Yeah right, Michael. You bought it because it's large," Jackie interjected.

"You know, I think Jackie may be on to something," Eric added thoughtfully. "I never noticed before, but Kelso always goes for large vehicles."

"Clearly, he's trying to compensate for something," Hyde joked.

It took Kelso several moments before he caught on to the underlying meaning of that statement, but when he did…

"That's ridiculous!" he exclaimed, gaping in outrage. "Jackie, tell them I'm not compensating for anything!"

"Oh, he's compensating," Jackie assured.

"JACKIE!" Kelso cried. Sputtering, "D-Don't listen to her! What would she know?"

"I did date you, Michael," Jackie pointed out in a bored tone.

"Well…uh…that doesn't mean you saw anything!"

"Probably because there was nothing to see," Hyde goaded, grinning.

Despite Kelso's further protestations, everyone easily ignored him.

Donna then began eyeing Fez's candy. "Guys, maybe we should stop somewhere to eat. I'm hungry."

"You've been hungry a lot," Eric noted. Then, frowning, "In fact, you ate my pancakes this morning!"

"Hey, it's not my fault you were late for breakfast."

"Yes, but did you have to eat my pancakes? My mom made those for me!"

"Eric, stop being a whiny baby. It is not manly," Fez informed him. Then, noticing Donna's greedy fingers in one of his candy bags, "Donna, give me back my candy," he whined like a baby.

"Fez, you have like seven bags!" Donna observed, motioning towards the large pile of candy Fez was trying to protect from her.

"Yes, but they are my bags of candy, so keep those large, manly hands of yours away from them," he insisted, swatting her hands away. "Besides, I am saving this candy for me and my lady," he said stiffly.

"Who is this mysteriously lady you keep mentioning?" Eric curiously inquired.

"Knowing Fez, it's probably code for his right hand," Hyde responded before Fez could answer. Not paying any mind to Fez's glare, "In fact, I'm beginning to think that Fez's lady is just as made up as Jackie's boyfriend."

Jackie was immediately on guard. "My boyfriend is so not made up!" she shrieked. "Steven, you take that back!"

Folding his arms, "I see no evidence that proves Mr. Wonderful's existence—"

"He does so exist! And stop calling him Mr. Wonderful!"

"For the record, my lady does exist as well," Fez piped up, though Jackie and Hyde failed to register that he even spoke.

"Why? Isn't he wonderful?" Hyde taunted Jackie.

"Of course he's wonderful, but that's not the point—"

"Then what is the point? Because I think you're full of—"

"The point is you're jealous! You can't stand that I have such a wonderful boyfriend—"

"I thought the point was that your wonderful boyfriend exists," Fez interjected, frowning. "Just like my lady exists—"

"Jealous? You have to be kidding me," Hyde scoffed. "Why the hell would I be jealous of Mr. Wonderful, who may or may not exist—"

"Because Mr. Wonderful…I mean, Rick, is everything you're not. He's super wonderful, super rich, super supportive—"

"So Mr. Wonderful is super as well," Hyde mocked.

"—And he's always there for me, Steven. Unlike you were."

"This is important," Fez concurred. "My lady is always there for me. In fact, she has agreed to fulfill my ultimate fantasy—"

"Mr. Wonderful sounds like a prick," Hyde voiced condescendingly. "And if he's always there for you, how come he's not here now?"

Jackie was thrown off guard but quickly recovered. "He's not here because he has important business in New York, but I guarantee he will be here Christmas Eve. He will do everything in his power to be with me. He knows what I'm worth!"

"What you're worth?" Hyde repeated. Looking down, "Let me guess, you're worth a pair of crappy designer shoes…?"

Huffing, "Don't be ridiculous, Steven. I'm worth so much more than that. And for your information, I bought these shoes and for the last time, they are not crappy—"

"I have to agree. Those shoes are not crappy. Designer shoes are never crappy," Fez clinically injected his fashion expertise. "And just in case you are wondering, my ultimate fantasy is to have hot, sweaty sex while covered in candy and glitter—"

They weren't wondering and they weren't listening. "See, this is what's wrong with you," Hyde lectured Jackie. "Your quality of life is centered around materialistic objects—like shoes—whose only real value is suckering mindless consumers into funding vacations for corporate figureheads who do nothing besides play golf all day."

"—though perhaps I should add designer shoes to my fantasy," Fez continued, seemingly having a conversation with himself, "You see, that is why I purchased so much candy—"

"Excuse me. There's nothing wrong with me, Steven! I'm perfect!" Jackie yelled at Hyde, not paying the least bit of attention to Fez's disturbing sex fantasy. "You need to stop making things up just because you're jealous—"

"Trust me. I am not jealous of that prick Mr. Wonderful—"

"Actually, Hyde, you sound a bit jealous," Fez chimed in. "But that is not what I am concerned about. I have not yet purchased any glitter—"

"Let me tell you something, Steven," Jackie commanded, pointing her finger. "I'll have you know that these are more than just designer shoes. These shoes hold special meaning!"

"Special meaning? Like what? You got them on sale? They cost you two-hundred dollars instead of four-hundred dollars?"

"For your information, they cost six-hundred dollars and they weren't on sale," Jackie corrected. "But that's not why they're special. They're special because—"

"Jackie, they're not special. They're shoes. And one of them is broken. Which makes it crap. Congratulations, you bought six-hundred dollar crap."

Fez looked between Jackie and Hyde. "You know, you people are very rude. I have been trying to explain about my sexual fantasy involving candy and glitter but all you people want to talk about is shoes."

"How many times do I have to tell you they're not crap, Steven? You need to cut out this jealously stuff—"

"I'm not jealous," Hyde ground out. "You want to know why I'm not jealous, Jackie? Alright, I'll tell you why I'm not jealous," he continued dangerously, "I'm not jealous because I have nothing to be jealous of. As far as I can tell, your life in New York is a meaningless, superficial façade. The fact that you think a pair of designer shoes merit some sort of special meaning just goes to show how sad your life truly is. And as for your Mr. Wonderful, I wouldn't trade places with him for a second. In fact, I feel sorry for him because he has to deal with you. Jackie, you wouldn't know what real life is about if you could buy it with a credit card. Do you have any idea how selfish and pathetic you are?"

The silence following Hyde's ruthless tirade of Jackie was deafening.

Jackie stilled, trying to steady the emotional pain that stabbed at her chest.

"Hyde, that was too far," Donna spoke out in Jackie's defense.

"Yeah, man. That was harsh," Eric agreed in a low tone.

Jackie closed her eyes. Is that what he really thought of her? But what did she care? He was her ex-boyfriend. He deserved the "ex" for a reason.

She opened her eyes and defiantly held his shielded gaze. She should prove him wrong. She should say something super mature and super sophisticated to throw him off balance…

Ah, forget that…

"I'm not speaking to you anymore!" she childishly threw at him.

Hyde examined her through his shades for a moment before responding, "Yeah, as if you could manage to keep your mouth shut for more than two seconds."

But she did manage to keep her mouth shut.

And the van grew eerily silent.

"I, for one, am glad we had that discussion," Fez spoke matter-of-factly. He looked around the van. "Now, does anybody know where I can pick up some glitter?"

No one responded.

Hyde shifted uncomfortably in his seat, resisting the urge to check on Jackie. He felt…guilty. He was harsh. Too harsh. He should apologize…

Clearing his throat, "Jackie…?"

Silence.

"I…uh…may have been a bit…you know…"

Silence.

Crap. Apologies weren't his forte. "Jackie, you know what I'm trying to say. So…why don't you say something?"

Silence.

He should just say it. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he managed with minor grimace results.

Silence.

"Jackie, didn't you hear what I said? You're supposed to speak now…"

Silence.

Whatever. It was better if she didn't speak. Her shrill tones gave him a headache. Her silence was a good thing.

But it didn't feel like a good thing when Jackie refused to speak for the rest of the ride back.

Of course, that didn't stop the rest of the gang from misbehaving and getting on Hyde's nerves.

"Hey! Give me back my candy!" an upset Fez cried out after Donna grabbed one of his candy bags.

"C'mon, Fez, I'm hungry and you have enough candy for like twenty people," she reasoned.

"Lady, that candy does not belong to you," Fez vehemently charged as he snatched the bag back.

It was then that Donna transformed into Scary Donna—the redheaded candy beast who snarled at Fez and then pounced on him to fight over possession of the candy bag.

"Alright! Donna's wrestling Fez!" Kelso hollered in excitement, looking into the rearview mirror. "Donna! You should totally take off your shirt!"

"Man, this is turning out just like the ride to the airport," Hyde grunted.

"I think my nose finally stopped bleeding!" Eric triumphantly announced amidst the candy chaos.

Which proved a premature assessment because…

"Oh! My nose!"

Eric cried out when a large candy bag flew into his nose, which promptly restarted the blood-gushing.

"Dude, that's what happened on the ride to the airport!" Kelso yelled gleefully, voicing Hyde's thoughts—though Hyde's thoughts were leaning more towards murderous than gleeful.

"Man, I'm feeling kind of woozy," Eric whimpered.

"Settle down, Marcia," Hyde grumbled.

Hyde's gaze involuntarily drifted to Jackie. She was staring resolutely out of the window as if all the candy and nosebleed madness wasn't occurring. She looked so…tragically beautiful. Something funky twisted in Hyde's gut at the sight of her.

Before he could examine the feeling further…

"Aye! You bitch! I will never forgive you for this!" Fez vented into the seat cushion of Kelso's new van—which was where Scary Donna had his head restrained as she took possession of his candy bag.

"Great. All we need is for Kelso to almost kill us all over a hot chick and this will be exactly like the ride to the airport," Hyde mused dryly.

"WHOA! CHECK OUT THE HOT BLONDE ACROSS THE STREET!" Kelso cried, preparing to make a highly dangerous illegal U-Turn…

Hyde groaned. "I spoke too soon."

Another 30 minutes later…

Point Place, Wisconsin

Forman's Living Room

Jackie was composed.

Jackie was quiet.

Jackie was livid.

"At least we all made it back in one piece," Eric (whose nose had finally stopped bleeding) tried optimistically as they entered the Forman's living room.

"Speak for yourself, you sonofabitch," Fez griped bitterly. "Because of that evil wife of yours, I am down to only two candy bags," he solemnly declared, cradling the candy bags in question to his chest.

Scary Donna had turned back into regular Donna after she'd gotten her sugar fix. "I'm sorry, Fez," she apologized. "I was just so hungry. But you still have a lot of candy left."

"Yes, but will it be enough to live out my hot, sweaty sex fantasy with my lady?" Fez countered tartly. He then indignantly added, "I still have no glitter, and now I may not have enough candy. What kind of country is this where a man cannot have hot, sweaty sex with candy and glitter?"

No one had an answer for that. Except for…

"Dude, I once had sex while covered in honey!" Kelso loudly informed them. He turned to Fez and confided, "But I gotta tell ya, little buddy. Having sex while covering in honey is not all it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, it was AWESOME! But, dude, it was seriously messy. Especially when the honey got all up in my man-parts. It really inhibited my mobility if you know what I mean—"

"Kelso!" Eric interjected in alarm. "I think I speak for all of us when I say we can do without the details of your man-parts."

"Speak for yourself," Fez asserted. Turning to Kelso with a look of interest, "Tell me more about the effects of honey on your man-parts…"

As Fez and Kelso conferred in a detailed discussion regarding their man-parts and sticky substances, a grossed-out Eric and Donna turned to a quietly livid Jackie and a broodingly somber Hyde.

Leaning towards his wife, Eric audibly whispered in a confidential manner, "Donna, have you noticed that Jackie hasn't spoken for at least a half hour? It's spooky."

Donna whispered back to her husband, "I know. And look at Hyde, he's gotten all sulky."

"You don't think that has to do with Jackie, do you? You'd think he'd treat her silence as a cause for celebration."

"I know it has to do with Jackie. He may act like he's cooler than the rest of us, but deep down he's really sensitive. Especially where Jackie is concerned."

"You know we can hear you," Hyde told them, annoyed, "and I am cooler than the rest of you. Don't delude yourselves into thinking I have any emotional depth."

The previously silent Jackie humphed something that sounded an awful lot like "jackass."

Eric and Donna focused their attention on the petite brunette, who was looking around airily as if she couldn't possibly have coughed up an insult directed at her ex-boyfriend.

"Excuse me? Did you say something…?" Eric questioned, holding a hand up to his ear. When Jackie obstinately refused to respond, "Donna? Did you hear something?"

"Hear something?" Donna reiterated, pretending to mull over the question. She then answered with obvious exaggeration, "Now that you mention it, I thought I heard someone choke out 'jackass.' But, hey, I could be imagining things."

Eric feigned surprise. "Jackass? Now why would someone utter such a crude phrase? I can't imagine one of us would be so foul-mouthed."

"It might have something to do with Hyde behaving like a jackass all day." Donna shrugged. "Just a guess."

"Ahhh…well, that would make sense."

Hyde was none-too-amused at the banter between husband and wife. "Are you two done?" he asked them.

"I don't know. Are you done pouting like a two-year-old?" Donna shot back.

Hyde didn't answer, choosing to instead cross his arms and maintain his sour expression.

"Looks like he's not done pouting like a two-year-old," Eric observed.

Uncrossing his arms, "It's a good thing you two are married to each other. I can't imagine anyone else being bowled over by all the smug obnoxiousness," Hyde told them.

Another humphed exclamation of "jackass" was once again heard coming from Jackie's direction.

Jaw set, Hyde surveyed Jackie with a cool expression. "I'm still wondering why we didn't drop her off at the hotel."

"Hyde, you know Jackie can't check-in until noon. She'd have been sitting in the lobby for at least two hours," Donna replied.

"And that's a problem because…?"

Yet another humphed "jackass" followed Hyde's inquiry.

"Hyde," Donna pronounced his name in a tone of warning.

Hyde chose not to heed the warning. "Look, Jackie. If you've got something to say, just say it," he implored in a clipped tone.

Silence.

"What? No insults lodged in your throat you'd like to cough up?" he needled resentfully. "Good. It's better for everyone if we don't have to listen to that shrill voice of yours."

Keeping that shrill voice of hers in check, Jackie's non-verbal response was to turn her back on her invidious ex-boyfriend. The act was easier said than done, however, as the shift in weight caused her to wobble on her broken heel.

Which left her wide open to callous burns like…

…"Careful, Jackie. Apparently six-hundred dollar shoes have been known to make people waddle like a lopsided duck" from Hyde.

Despite her broken heel, Jackie managed to whip around with startling speed and balance to screech in that shrill voice of hers, "THAT'S IT, STEVEN! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND ALL YOUR…YOUR…WORDS!"

With a slight wince from the all the shrillness, "You've had it with me and my words? Ouch, Jackie. You really know how to hit me where it hurts," Hyde ruthlessly mocked.

"SHUT UP, STEVEN!" she commanded, her voice elevating to new heights on the shrill scale. "God, you're such a jackass! Not to mention deluded. First of all, I do NOT waddle. A person does not waddle in designer shoes—even if the heel is defective. Second, I in NO WAY bare resemblance to a lopsided duck!"

"Jackie, you're overreacting," Hyde responded with obvious impatience. "You're always overreacting over ridiculous crap. I mean, seriously, you get this riled up because a broken shoe happens to be 'designer.' Give me a break." He looked at her and smirked. "Oh, and designer shoes or not, you do waddle like a lopsided duck."

Jackie sucked in her breath. She had been livid before, but now…

She was hurt.

She was upset.

She was ready to kill Steven Hyde with her high-heels.

An almost-deranged expression came over the petite brunette's face as she shrieked in unconcealed fury, "I DO NOT WADDLE LIKE A LOPSIDED DUCK!"

She then waddled slightly, shifting to stand on her right foot as she continued to scream…

"I HAVE NEVER, EVER—"

Lifting her left foot, she pulled the shiny red broken-heeled designer shoe off with her right hand…

"—WADDLED LIKE A LOPSIDED DUCK—"

As she yelled, she waved her defective shoe at him in a threatening manner…

"—IN MY LIFE—"

Emphasizing her outrage, she wound her arm back before forcefully bringing it forward and releasing the much fought over shoe, causing Hyde to duck and catch the shoe to avoid injury…

"—BUT YOU—"

Unsatisfied that she'd failed to hit her intended target, she quickly removed the non-broken-heeled shoe from her right foot…

"—WILL ALWAYS BE—"

She then wound back her arm with renewed vigor…

"—A JACKASS!"

Reaching the climax of her declaration, she hurled the perfectly-heeled shoe in the direction of Steven Hyde's sunglass-shaded face…

…which resulted in Hyde letting loose a string of expletives (the politest being "HOLY CRAP!") as he was forced to narrowly side-step and catch the incoming high-heel.

The result of Jackie's impromptu designer shoe attack:

A concerned Donna. "Guys, I think being compared to a lopsided duck was too much for Jackie."

A relieved Eric. "Hey, I'm just glad I didn't get hit in the nose again."

An aroused Kelso. "Man, is it just me or does Jackie get even HOTTER when she's angry?"

An impressed Fez. "Wow, designer shoes are not only sexy but deadly as well."

And finally…a stunned Hyde, who was left standing open-mouthed holding both of Jackie's shoes in his hands. Collecting himself, "So, Jackie," he said, attempting to sound casual, "I hope you're satisfied now that you've tried to off me with your crappy six-hundred dollar shoes."

Which was the wrong thing to say.

Because Jackie, barefoot and caught in a blind rage, was not satisfied. Not yet appeased regarding the slight on her designer footwear, she turned to find the next available object…

Fez's candy.

Single-handedly grabbing one of the candy bags from the protesting foreign man's arms ("Hey! That's my candy, you irate shoe-throwing midget!" Fez unsuccessfully complained), Jackie reached into the candy bag and began viciously catapulting clumps of candy in Hyde's direction.

"MY SHOES…ARE NOT…CRAPPY…AND DON'T…YOU EVER…COMPARE ME…TO A LOPSIDED DUCK…AGAIN!" shouted a shoeless Jackie in-between chucking handfuls of candy as Hyde ducked, holding up the shoes she'd thrown at him in protection.

Finally, after a seemingly endless parade of candy-pelting…

"Damn, I'm out of candy," Jackie angrily pouted looking into the empty bag. Shrugging, she threw the bag at her stupefied ex-boyfriend and cried, "Take that, you jackass!" before abruptly turning away and storming out of the front door barefoot.

Everyone stared open-mouthed at Jackie's exit.

Who knew such a tiny person could be so frightening?

Hyde, still holding Jackie's shoes in his hands, stood still. Astounded that any chick had the guts to throw anything at him, he gawked after the place his throw-happy ex-girlfriend had disappeared with reluctant admiration.

"Jackie must be really pissed at you," Fez perceived, "She left without her designer shoes." He then looked down at the candy-strewn floor, a pitiful expression on his face. "And now I am down to only one bag of candy. Things are not looking good for my hot, sweaty sex fantasy…"

Kelso, at least, appeared highly amused by all the mayhem. "Dude, I've never seen Jackie that mad! I mean, she's thrown stuff at me but she always made sure to steer clear of hurling accessories. Hyde, you are so screwed."

"I don't often agree with Kelso," Eric joined in, looking at Hyde. "But he's right, man. You are screwed."

"Yeah, well, he deserves it for being a jackass," Donna added on Jackie's behalf.

A still shell-shocked Hyde stared back in confusion. "Who knew she would get so upset about being compared to a lopsided duck?"

Everyone eyed him as if he'd had a brain transplant and Kelso was the donor. Donna looked liked like she was about to hurl another insult at him when Mrs. Forman came bursting into the living room from the kitchen…

"Hello, everyone!" Mrs. Forman cheerfully greeted, clashing horribly with the heavy tension of the room.

Mrs. Forman was greeted back by five blank stares.

Frowning, "I thought I heard a loud screeching noise. Is Jackie back?" Mrs. Forman inquired. Taking notice of Hyde, Mrs. Forman's gaze shifted to his hands. "Oh my! What a lovely pair of high-heels! Too bad one of the heels is broken," she tutted. "After all, they look like they're designer."

***END FLASHBACK***

"C'mon, guys. It's Christmas Eve!" Eric began in yet another attempt to get Hyde and Jackie to drop their awkward silent routine. "Enough with the brooding and pouting. Let's see some holiday cheer. You know, peace on earth and good will…"

Both Jackie and Hyde answered Eric by sending him looks that told him where he could throw his peace on earth and where they'd love to shove his good will.

Donna, who was eating out of a bag of Ho Hos while Fez looked grumpily on, commented between bites, "Eric, I think they want you to mind your own business," correctly interpreting Jackie and Hyde's I'll-kill-anyone-who-speaks expressions.

"No, no, we've gotta get this silent nonsense sorted out," Eric insisted. Gesturing towards Jackie and Hyde, "These two are messing up the group balance with their creepy and unnatural vibes! They've knocked everything off-kilter. Take Star Wars, for example. Can you imagine what it would have been like for Luke if C3PO and R2D2 never communicated—"

The rest of the gang groaned.

"—If they couldn't communicate, they might never have been able to rescue Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt. And considering what happened on Endor—"

The rest of the gang continued to groan. Loudly.

"Forman, is there nothing you can't turn into a Star Wars analogy?" Hyde droned sarcastically.

Refusing to directly reply, Eric said, "Listen guys, extremely valid Star Wars analogies aside, we all have our place in the group." He looked around the room. "Donna's the voice of reason, Fez is the crazy foreign guy, Kelso is…Kelso is…" He trailed off, seemingly unable to find something complementary regarding Kelso's contribution to the group.

"C'mon, Eric. What am I?" Kelso prodded eagerly, scooting forward in excitement.

"Well, uh…you're…you're…"

"I think the problem is there's just too many answers to that question," Hyde interjected, grinning evilly. "Right, Forman?"

"Right," Eric swallowed, still searching for an answer. "Kelso…you're…you're the King," he finally answered.

Which pleased Kelso to no end.

"Gee, thanks man," a-clearly-touched Kelso said, getting up and awkwardly mulling Eric with a hug. Choking up, "That means so much to me…"

After ungracefully extracting himself from an emotional Kelso, "Uh…right. Where was I? Oh yeah, like I was saying, everyone has their place in the group—"

"I vote we kick you out of the group," Jackie rudely interrupted.

Aghast, Eric's jaw dropped. "Me? You can't vote me out of the group! This is my basement! If anything, I can kick you out!"

"You can't kick me out. You don't even live here anymore."

Eric twitched slightly. "I may not live here, but my parents do. Therefore, I can kick you out by default."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Please. They don't even like you. Your parents would probably kick you out of the basement."

Eric, highly annoyed, responded, "I'm just remembering your role in the group. You're the over-opinionated loudmouth." He sighed. "Which is why it's weird that you and Hyde aren't speaking. Granted, Hyde's the sarcastic loner of the group, but it's still weird…"

"Eric, you have not yet shared your role in the group," Fez politely observed.

Making a rather vain attempt to look bashful, "Well, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything…well, why not?" Eric couldn't help but gesture smugly toward himself. "I think it's pretty apparent that I'm the leader. The Luke Skywalker of the group—"

Eric missed the looks of incredulity on everyone's faces as he persisted in tooting his own horn. "—I'm the one to come to for advice. The voice of wisdom, if you will. The glue that holds everything together. I'm pretty sure everyone would be lost without me." When Eric finished, he looked around at everyone…

Everyone stared blankly at him.

A second later…

Everyone burst out into fits of hysterical laughter.

"Oh, Eric, my friend. That was a good joke. I had no idea you were funny," Fez wheezed, still hunched over and shaking with laughter. "The voice of wisdom…" he mocked, chuckling away.

"Yeah, man. I haven't laughed this hard in ages," Hyde added, taking off his sunglasses to wipe his eyes before putting them back on again.

Kelso had literally fallen on the floor he was laughing so hard. "Dude, even I got how funny that was…and I hardly get anything!"

Eric, of course, did not get what was so amusing and glared as his friends continued to cackle with glee at his expense.

"God, my mascara is totally ruined," Jackie bitched between fits of laughter. "But that part about everyone being lost without you was hilarious!"

"Yeah, and what about the part about being 'The glue that holds everything together'?" Donna asked, giggling away.

"Donna!" Eric cried.

"Sorry, Eric…or should I call you 'the Luke Skywalker of the group'?"

Following Donna's comment, everyone laughed even harder.

Everyone except for Eric, that is. "Ha. Ha. Very funny. That's it, laugh it up. But just think about where you'd all be without me…"

"Probably in someone else's basement," Hyde cracked…

…and everyone began laughing all over again.

Once everyone managed to compose themselves (after an extended period of laughter), a none-too-amused Eric spoke in strained tones, "We seem to have gotten off track. This was supposed to be about Jackie and Hyde—"

Arms folded across his chest, Hyde decided he'd had enough of this foolishness. So he said, "Forman, enough of this foolishness." Peering at his twitchy friend through his shades, he stated, "Whatever is going on between me and Jackie is between me and Jackie. So butt out."

"But you're messing with the group. Remember how in Star Wars—"

"Forman, if you persist in making Star Wars analogies, I may very well quit speaking to you too."

"Personally, I'm still all for voting Eric out of the group," Jackie declared to the room.

Eric eyed her in indignation. "I'm not even sure when you became part of the group." Turning to his wife, he pleaded, "Donna…help me out here?"

"No thanks, you're doing a fine job of failing miserably all on your own," Donna replied dismissively. "Besides, I'm far too busy eating Ho Hos." Pulling a new package of Ho Hos out of the box, "Seriously, who knew Ho Hos were so tasty? I never really got what all the fuss was about…but they're awesome!" she decreed with incredulous delight as she proceeded to chow down on the tasty Ho Hos.

"Of course they are tasty, you foolish woman," Fez chided, eyeing Donna with unconcealed malice as she went to town on another Ho Ho. "How could miniature cream-filled chocolate cakes coated with yet more chocolate-y goodness be anything other than tasty?"

Noticing Fez's death glare, "Fez, these are community Ho Hos," Donna defended.

"Yes. Funny how the community seems to be made up entirely of pushy redheads named Donna."

"Fez, you could have had some Ho Hos if you wanted."

"Great!" Fez exclaimed, leaning toward the box. "So you won't mind if I partake in the cream-filled chocolate-y goodness…"

Donna quickly snatched the box away just as Fez was about to grab it. "Uh…tell you what, Fez. I'll give you the box as soon as I'm done with it."

Fez's eyes narrowed. "By the time you are done with it, there will be nothing left!"

"Donna, you are eating a lot lately," Eric noted. "If you're not careful, at the rate you're going you might find yourself in need of Jane Fonda's workout video."

"What are you trying to say Eric? Are you saying you think I'm fat?" Donna asked dangerously.

"Of course not!"

"Actually, Donna. That is exactly what he is saying," Fez interrupted. "So why don't you hand over the Ho Hos before you get as big as a house?"

"Donna, you are in no way fat," Eric told his wife. "Though now that you mention it…" He gave her an appraising look. "Have you gained weight? Maybe you should lay off the Ho Hos."

"Excuse me?" Donna asked in foreboding undertones.

"Uh, oh," Hyde chimed in. "Forman, you're totally screwed."

The rest of the gang nodded their heads in agreement.

"W-What…" Eric nervously sputtered. "I'm not saying you're fat. I'm just saying—"

"You're just saying you don't want a fat wife. That's what you're saying," Donna finished for him. Angered, Donna stood up and tossed the box of Ho Hos on the table. Hands on her hips, she faced her husband with an expression that very much resembled Scary Donna, the redheaded candy beast. "But you know what, Eric? I'll eat whatever I damn well please. In fact, I'm going to start eating everything in sight so that I'll become really, really fat! How do like that idea? Huh, Eric? Think you'll enjoy having a big, fat wife? You better, because THAT'S EXACTLY what you're going to have!" Following her heated rant, Donna looked around and said, "Now, if you excuse me…I'm hungry and I'm going to go upstairs and help myself to the new box of Twinkies Mrs. Forman bought so that I can get started on becoming REALLY, REALLY FAT!"

Donna then stormed upstairs muttering something that sounded like "Ass."

Eric stood up and rounded on Jackie and Hyde. "Now look what you two have done! Donna's mad at me!"

Uncrossing his arms, Hyde held up his hands. "Hey, man. I'm not the idiot who implied his wife was fat."

"At least I get the Ho Hos," Fez said brightly, picking up the discarded box—but victory proved fleeting. Looking into the box, he immediately frowned. "Sonofabitch!" he swore. He swiveled towards Eric, accusation written all over his pissed-off foreign face. "Your wife, the Ho Ho whore, has eaten the entire box!" Angrily tossing the box aside, he muttered, "Community Ho Hos, my ass."

Eric kept his focus on Hyde and Jackie. "See what happens when you throw the group balance off? Donna starts acting like a madwoman!" Pointing his bony finger at them, he sternly ordered, "You two need to apologize to each other and be done with it!"

Hyde raised an indignant brow and motioned toward Jackie. "She threw her shoes at me, man. What should I apologize for?"

Jackie couldn't help the humph of indignation that escaped her. "I'll tell you what you should apologize for," she interrupted. "You should apologize for being a jackass!"

"I should apologize? Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you the one who started throwing things at me?"

"Which I wouldn't have done if you weren't being a jackass!"

"'Jackass' is a relative term," Hyde argued, sidestepping the issue. "Let's deal with the cold, hard facts—which are that you went all psycho by attacking me with your shoes and Fez's candy." He gave an exaggerated sigh. Then, in a faux-weary voice, "You're lucky I don't sue you for physical and emotional trauma."

"Excuse me? Just who do you think you're calling a psycho? Pretty people aren't allowed to be called psychos! I have half a mind to start throwing things at you right now!"

"So, you would consider yourself completely sane when you took off your shoes and chucked them at my head?"

"Yes!"

Smiling evilly, "In that case, I might as well sue you since you can't plead insanity. Unless, of course, you want to apologize to me for your outrageous behavior. Then, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones."

Jackie couldn't believe his nerve. Irate, she stood up and fumed, "When hell freezes over! The only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't hit you with my shoes!"

"Real mature, Jackie," Hyde scorned. "Though I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You are Train Jackie. I guess we can add psycho shoe-thrower to the long list of havoc you've wreaked. I wonder who you're going to crash and burn next."

Silence.

Eric, who inadvertently started the argument, shifted guiltily. "Um…well, this is good. At least you two are talking," he supplied with false optimism.

Silence.

Then…

"STEVEN HYDE, YOU ARE SUCH A JACKASS!" Jackie shrieked in such a high pitch that everyone winced.

Rubbing his ears and looking up, Fez complained, "Aye-yi-yi. First Donna takes my candy and eats all the Ho Hos, and now I have been rendered deaf. What have I done to deserve this?"

"Man, my ears are ringing," Eric whined. Turning to Kelso, "Are your ears ringing?"

Kelso, however, couldn't hear him over the ringing in his ears.

Not concerned with any ailments she may have caused, Jackie continued in slightly less ear-piercing octaves, "You know what, Steven? You've always been quick to lay the blame on me, but let me tell you, Train Jackie only ever crashed and burned with Train Steven and that was only because Train Steven was such a jackass!"

Hyde stood up in a deceitfully lazy manner. "You know what? Maybe Train Jackie should consider that Train Steven just doesn't care."

Jackie swayed unsteadily, hurt by the remark…

"Man, what is it with you guys and trains?" Kelso asked in confusion. "You two are always talking about trains." An idiotic, yet pleased expression overtook his face. After several seconds, "Yeah, I started thinking about trains…Dude, trains are AWESOME!"

Jackie and Hyde paused to give Kelso an "Are you serious?" look. After deducing that he was indeed serious, they turned back towards each other, ready to resume their argument…

"You know what I think?" Eric asked, heading off anymore of Jackie's ear-piercing shrieks. "I think we all need to take time out and relax—get rid of all the awkwardness."

Jackie scoffed loudly. "And how do you plan to do that?"

Eric shot Hyde a significant look.

Hyde grinned, catching his meaning…

A smoke-filled 20 minutes later…

Eric, Kelso, Fez, Hyde, and Jackie all sat in their traditional circle with dilated pupils and way-too-wide grins.

Eric nodded with bemused satisfaction. "See, guys? I told you this would get rid of all the awkwardness." He paused. "Dude, who the hell has their hand on my leg?"

"Sorry, man. I thought you were Jackie," Kelso apologized. Suddenly, a glazed look of amusement overtook his face. "Man, I was thinking about trains again. Don't you just love trains?"

"You know what I would love?" asked a bitter Fez. "I would love to have my candy and Ho Hos back, but that evil woman has made this impossible." His features turned hard. "But Fez will have his vengeance…"

Hyde nodded at nothing in particular. "You know what, man? I've been thinking." A long pause ensued. "Nah, man. That's it. I've just been thinking."

Jackie was busy twirling her hair. "I need to go shopping," she announced abruptly. "I'm like way overdue to go shopping. I think the last time I went shopping was…yesterday." She nodded. "Yeah, like I said, I'm way overdue to go shopping. I don't know what I was thinking only packing six suitcases…"

Eric was shaking his head. "The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced Donna overreacted. I never actually called her fat. I may have implied she was gaining weight, but still…this is just like in Star Wars when…" He frowned suddenly. Looking down, "Kelso, your hand is on my leg again…"

"He had boobs!" Kelso yelled in reaction, confused. Then, grimacing, "Sorry, man, I was thinking of something else." He then brightened. "Man, I love boobs. Big boobs! Small boobs! All kinds of boobs! Too bad there are only two of them…Hey! Imagine a three-boobed chick! How HOT would that be?"

"I have decided not to dwell on the Ho Hos," Fez asserted. After a few seconds, "Of course, that's because there are no more Ho Hos to dwell on…no thanks to Donna…but I'm not dwelling on it…oh no…how could I dwell on something as tasty and scrumptious as small, cream-filled chocolate cakes…" His expression darkened. "Damn woman, why did she have to eat them all?"

Hyde continued to nod away at nothing in particular. "You know what, man? I've been thinking about what I was thinking about before…and you know what? I can't remember what I was thinking about…"

Still twirling her hair, "I love shopping," Jackie said with a dreamy expression. "There's nothing better than shopping. Shopping is always there for me when I need it." She gasped, having a light bulb moment. "Oh my gosh! I just realized something. Shopping is the love of my life. I should marry shopping!"

"See, guys? I told you this would get rid of all the awkwardness…wait, did I say that already?" Eric paused, looking confused. Then…"Dude, why is your hand still on my leg?"

A less smoke-filled 20 minutes later…

"Yeah, everything's awkward again," Hyde said, stating the obvious.

"Perhaps it wouldn't be awkward if you and Jackie made up and reset the group balance—"

"Drop it, Forman," Hyde barked, not wanting to deal with this crap. "If I were you, I would worry less about me and Jackie and more about that pissed-off wife of yours."

Eric looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Yes, well, Donna was clearly overreacting—"

"Forman, you called her fat."

"Technically, I didn't call her fat—"

Raising a brow, "Did you imply she was fat?"

"I didn't say anything about being fat!"

Hyde gave him a look.

"Okay, I may have implied she gained weight," Eric backpedaled. "But that is nowhere near the same thing as calling her fat—"

"Forman, Forman, Forman," Hyde chanted, realizing his friend was clueless. "As your much cooler, more experienced friend, let me give some advice. Never, ever tell a woman she's gained weight. Even if she asks you. That's how they trap you. There's really only one thing to do in that situation—lie." Holding up his hand to stop the rebuttal Eric was about to make, "No, Forman, there's no other solution. You lie. You lie and say, 'Are you crazy? Of course you haven't gained weight.' Even if she's as big as Shamu. So, the next time you see Donna, take my advice and lie."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Like you're one to give advice, Steven," she accused. "You were an awful boyfriend."

Hyde scoffed in disbelief. "Oh, and you were up for The Best Girlfriend Ever Award."

Scowling at him, "Well, if I wasn't, I should have been," Jackie said crossly. "I'm the perfect girlfriend. Any guy would be lucky to have me! I mean, look at me." She arrogantly motioned up and down her body.

"I'm looking," Hyde stated flatly. "So, what?" he furthered, ignoring the voice in his head that screamed liar.

"Whatever, Steven," Jackie brushed aside. "You know what your problem is?"

Linking his hands and leaning back in his chair, "No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

"Your problem is you don't put any effort into relationships. Like when I said I wanted something shiny, I shouldn't have had to settle for a hamburger wrapped in tin foil!"

"Sorry I didn't roll out the red carpet for you," he sneered.

Hopping up off the couch, "You know what? You should have! I deserve a guy who treats me like a princess!"

"Princess? More like a royal pain in the ass," he responded, standing up to face her.

Hands balled into fists, she looked ready to pitch a fit. So she did. "Ugh! You're impossible! I'm so glad I broke up with you—"

"Oh? You broke up with me? I don't remember—"

"I'm so lucky to have Rick now. He's so wonderful—"

"I don't want to hear about Mr. Wonderful—"

"You could learn a few things from Rick. Like how not to be a jackass—"

"Jackie, I said I didn't want to hear about—"

"Rick would never talk bad about my designer shoes—"

"Gee, I guess Mr. Wonderful doesn't mind buying six-hundred dollar crap—"

"You see, Rick understands that I deserve the finer things in life—"

Crossing his arms, Hyde realized he wasn't going to get a word in edgewise.

"And more importantly, Rick would NEVER compare me to a LOPSIDED DUCK—"

Now she was actually yelling at him. Great.

"He realizes how PERFECT I am and it would be IMPOSSBILE for me to waddle like a duck—"

Damn. She was yelling really loud. His ears were starting to hurt.

"And you want to know the best thing? Rick TELLS ME how he feels. He's NOT AFRAID to say he loves me. Unlike someone I know who has the emotional sensitivity of a rock—"

Finally, Hyde decided he'd had enough. Yapping about "emotional sensitivity" clinched it.

"Man, I refuse to listen to this. I'm leaving," he muttered, turning away from the infuriating brunette and making for the stairs.

Behind him, "Leave? You can't leave, Steven! I'm not done yelling at you!" he heard her bitch.

But leave he did, not bothering to spare her a second glance as he made his way up the basement stairs and away from her screeching.

His ears were starting to feel better already. He sighed, entering the Forman's kitchen.

That was when he caught sight of Donna—who was eating out of a box of Twinkies. But not only that. She also had various packages of cookies, a bag of chips, an open jar of peanut butter, and what appeared to be a large bundle of asparagus strewn out across the kitchen counter.

"Whoa! Big Red, you really are eating everything in sight!"

Looking up, "I'm gonna be really, really fat if it's the last thing I do! Eric's an ass," Donna informed him, taking a bite of a Twinkie then immediately afterward taking a bite of asparagus.

Hyde made a face. "Great…just don't ask me to join you."

Grabbing a cookie, "Hyde, do you think I've gained weight?"

Hyde immediately had his answer ready. "Are you crazy? Of course you haven't gained weight," he lied easily.

"Thanks, Hyde," Donna smiled. She then gave him a shrewd look. "So, what brings you by?"

"Uh, let's just say me and Jackie started speaking again…"

Donna's lips quirked in amusement. "I take it you guys didn't kiss and make-up?"

"Not unless you'd qualify her raving like a lunatic about how Mr. Wonderful is such a superior boyfriend making-up."

"Jealous, Hyde?"

Startled, "Jealous? Why does everybody keep saying that? What do I have to be jealous of?"

Putting down her latest Twinkie, she gave him a searching look. "I don't know, Hyde. What do you have to be jealous of?"

"Nothing. I'm not jealous," Hyde abruptly bit out.

"Just like you don't care that Mr. Wonderful is planning on proposing when he comes to Point Place," she replied, her voice loaded with meaning.

Damn woman, she was goading him. "Whatever," he grumbled.

Donna continued to observe him with unconcealed amusement. Damnit, he knew what she was thinking about. Under pressure, Hyde jerked slightly as he shifted his weight—which only led the evil woman to smile knowingly.

"Zip it, Donna," he barked.

Her lips quirked. "I didn't say anything."

No, but her eyes were mocking him.

Holding her hands up innocently, "Is there something you would like to discuss, Hyde?" Donna asked in a falsely sweet voice.

He didn't have to ask what she was referring to.

That "something funky" was wrecking his insides again. The same way it did when Donna accosted him about Jackie at the record store. And this time, he wasn't sure it was indigestion. Whatever that "something funky" was, he didn't like it.

He certainly didn't want to think about it.

He definitely didn't want to talk about it.

Avoiding the issue, "Did you just dip that potato chip in peanut butter?" he inquired.

"Yep."

"That's gross, Donna."

She rolled her eyes. "Never mind that," Donna waved his revulsion aside.

"Never mind? How can I not mind? You're eating it right in front of me—"

"C'mon, Hyde. Why don't you just admit it?" Donna cut off, refusing to let him sidetrack her. "You still have feelings for Jackie."

Man, he was really starting to regret he hadn't called her fat when she'd asked.

"Look, Donna. Just stay out of it," Hyde warned. As if for good measure, he told her, "The day I admit to having feelings for Jackie, there will be snowstorms in Hell."

Donna shook her head and smiled secretly at him—as if she knew something he didn't.

Chicks, man. What a pain in the ass…

"I should get going—"

"Jackie's really not as bad as she used to be," Donna nonchalantly interrupted as she dipped another chip in peanut butter. "Despite how she acts, she's less shallow and superficial than she used to be."

Hyde couldn't hide his surprise. "Donna, you're defending a woman who called your wedding reception tacky."

"Did you know Jackie offered to pay for my wedding reception?" Donna questioned smugly.

He blinked. "No, I didn't."

"Like I said, she's not as bad as she used to be."

Hyde stared stoically at her for a second. Then, "Whatever. I don't care. I'm gonna head out to the record store…"

"Uh, huh." Donna looked unconvinced. As he made for the door, "By the way, you might want to stop at your apartment and change your pants before you go," she suggested, sounding amused.

Hyde automatically looked down. "Oh yeah, Kelso's cherry Popsicle. I forgot…"

"Yeah, Hyde, you do look like you got your period," Donna quipped, laughing.

With one last parting glare, Hyde strode out the kitchen door, anxious to get away from the overeating redhead.

2 hours later…

Forman's Kitchen

"Eric is such an ass—"

"Steven's a jackass—"

"I can't believe I married such an ass—"

"I'm so glad I'm no longer dating that jackass—"

"How dare Eric insinuate I'm fat—"

"Steven's crazy to compare me to a lopsided duck—"

"I never complained about how bony he is—"

"He's probably just upset I've gotten even better-looking with age—"

"If Eric thinks I'm going to let his ass-like behavior go, he has another thing coming—"

"Steven must regret letting an amazingly attractive person like me go—"

"We'll just see how much my husband's bony body can stand after his big, fat wife gets through with him!"

"Looking at my outrageous beauty is probably painful for Steven. I don't think he realized how privileged he was to be with me. I mean, who wouldn't want a hot girlfriend with perfect hair? He never knew what I was worth! And I'm not talking in terms of designer shoes—"

Donna, who had finished her own heated rant on her ass of a husband, was now quietly observing Jackie's heated rant on her jackass of an ex-boyfriend…

"—You know what? Steven never knew how to be a proper boyfriend! He was never there for me…and he never bought me proper presents! Seriously, a Led Zeppelin t-shirt? What was he thinking? I've been so much better off without him—"

Unnoticed by Jackie, the corners of Donna's mouth curved in amusement as she listened to her highly-opinionated friend chatter away about how lucky she was to be rid of one Steven Hyde. Jackie's arguments that "Scruffy boyfriends are just too hard to maintain" and that "The only regret I have about Steven is that I didn't manage to hit him with my high-heels" were all very convincing…if you didn't know Jackie, that is.

But Donna did know Jackie, which was why when Jackie pronounced that "Steven must be intimidated by girls with perfect hair—there's no other explanation for calling me a lopsided duck that makes sense!" Donna burst out laughing.

Jackie—so intent on her anti-Hyde rant—failed to notice…

"Steven must have realized how rare it is to find a woman with perfect hair," the perfectly-coiffed brunette surmised to herself.

Realizing that Jackie's tirade now bordered on the ridiculous, Donna tried to put a stop to the hair madness, "Jackie, how about we talk about something else other than your hair…?"

But Jackie was far too involved with her own problems (and her perfect hair). "Seriously, perfect hair is hard to find," she continued. "Steven was crazy to let me go! Let me tell you, he'll never find anyone with more perfect hair than me—"

Realizing that Jackie's tirade had already crossed the border into ridiculous, Donna tried again, "Jackie, how about we talk about anything else other than your hair…?"

But Jackie didn't seem to be able to focus on anything other than hair—and Hyde. "Let me tell you, Steven could date Farrah Fawcett in her heyday and her hair wouldn't compare to mine! The secret is this new volumizing conditioner…"

"JACKIE!" Donna shouted in desperation—unable to handle any more of the hair insanity. "I don't think Hyde is too concerned about your hair!"

Startled, Jackie looked around absently. "What…? Donna, were you saying something…?" she asked, genuinely confused.

"I take it you're not interested in hearing about what an ass Eric is?" Donna wryly inquired.

Jackie frowned. "I thought we were talking about how perfect I am and what a jackass Steven is?"

Donna forgave Jackie for being in her own world and acting like the world revolves around her. It's not like it was anything new. "Jackie, you always have problems with Hyde. So, why are you upset?"

"Why wouldn't I be upset? Steven's been a—"

"Jackass," Donna finished for her, picking up a wayward Twinkie from the kitchen counter. "I know. But you're not dating him. He's not you're problem anymore." She eyed her short friend shrewdly. "Unless you're not completely over him…?"

Jackie went defensive. "Don't be ridiculous, Donna. I am so over Steven! I have Rick now and he is so—"

"Wonderful. Yeah, I got that. What I don't get is why you're so upset about Hyde."

"Donna! You're crazy!" Jackie scanned the room, looking for an excuse. Taking note of the Twinkie in her large friend's hand, "Eric's right! You're gonna get fat!"

Setting down the Twinkie, Donna glared and shot back, "Yeah, well, your hair has gone flat!"

Jackie gasped in horror, hands immediately going to her hair. Wildly looking around, she grabbed the toaster. Holding the shiny silver toaster out in front of her, Jackie frantically examined her reflection to take in the state of her hair…

"Donna! You big, fat liar! My hair is perfect!" Narrowing her eyes, "Just because your hair is all flat and boring is no reason to project your insecurities onto me."

"I don't know," Donna taunted, "I really think it's gone a bit flat."

Panicked, Jackie began checking herself in the toaster at various angles (all the while doing model poses, of course).

Eating another Twinkie, Donna simply shook her head.

Just as Jackie was straining for a back view of her hair…

Mrs. Forman burst through the kitchen door. "Oh my goodness! I'm so glad you girls are here! Point Place is in a state of emergency—"

"Forget Point Place! I'm in a state of emergency!" Jackie complained, putting down the toaster. Urgently, she addressed the older woman, "Mrs. Forman, I may be on the verge of a hair crisis! You have to tell me the truth…how's my hair?"

Mrs. Forman looked puzzled. "It's lovely, dear," she quizzically assured.

"It's not flat…?"

"Oh, no, of course not," Mrs. Forman automatically agreed. Then, taking a good look at the younger woman's hair, "Actually, now that you mention it, I'd love to know how you get that amount of volume—"

Gleefully, Jackie cut her off, "Mrs. Forman, I'm so glad you asked! You see, I use this great volumizing conditioner—"

"AHEM," Donna loudly cleared her throat, unwilling to listen to anymore hair nonsense.

"What's the matter, Donna? Choke on your Twinkie?" Jackie asked. "Pay no attention to her, Mrs. Forman, Donna's suffering from hair-envy. It's not her fault her hair is dull and listless—"

Clearing her throat again, Donna prompted, "Mrs. Forman, you were saying something about a state of emergency…?"

"Oh my! I almost forgot!" Mrs. Forman declared, her hand going to her chest. "A huge snowstorm is due to hit in another hour," she informed them. "Best make sure everyone is safe and sound at the house."

Donna groaned. "Damn, Eric ran off with Kelso and Fez to the water tower." She went to the kitchen table to grab her purse. "I better go before the storm hits and one of them falls off. You coming, Jackie?"

Jackie shook her head. "No, I better stay in case Rick calls. His plane might be delayed."

Shrugging, "Alright. I'll see you after I drag my ass of a husband back," Donna said before grabbing one final Twinkie and departing.

Flipping her hair back, "Mrs. Forman, why are men jackasses?" Jackie questioned.

"Oh, that's just the way they're born, dear," Mrs. Forman answered, waving her concerns aside. She paused. Then, "Now tell me more about this volumizing conditioner…"

30 minutes later…

Forman's Living Room

The sole occupant of the Forman's living room was Jackie—who was very busy sitting on the couch examining her reflection in her compact mirror.

Which was how Red found her when he came barging into the living room looking surly (surlier than usual, anyway).

Jackie paid him no mind, content admiring herself.

Red, however, paused when he spotted the pint-sized brunette on the couch. Surprisingly, he didn't tell her to get the hell off the couch. Instead, "Ah, there you are! I've been looking for one of you free-loading basement-dwellers. Just as well it's you. You're a better option than those other dumbasses—less useless and somewhat capable."

"Of course I'm a better option than those losers," Jackie agreed. "I'm way more attractive…and I have perfect hair."

Red chose to ignore that statement. "Steven called," he gruffly related. "Seems his car stalled and he can't get back from the record store. I need you to go pick him up before the snowstorm hits."

"Me? Why can't you go?"

Clearly annoyed, Red answered, "Because I need to stay and board up the shed. Unless you would like to do that…?"

Rolling her eyes, "Whatever. You know, Steven was the one stupid enough to go to the store and have his car break down. I don't see why we can't just leave him there."

Red responded with a look that said he meant business.

Throwing up her hands in defeat, "Fine! I'll go! Give me the keys to your car," Jackie huffily acquiesced, holding out her hand.

"Oh, no. I don't trust you enough to drive my car. You're driving Eric's car," Red informed her, handing her his son's keys.

"Ugh! You want me to drive that piece of junk? You'll be lucky if I even make it to the record store."

"You'll be fine…as long as you get there and back before the snowstorm hits."

"And if I don't?"

"Well, then you're screwed." Seeing her look, Red sighed. "Look, you should be fine as long as you don't waste time. You know, no hanging around the record store doing whatever it is you kids do that smells up my basement." Giving her a hard stare, "Alright…?"

"Alright," Jackie grumbled.

"Good." Satisfied, Red made to leave…

"Wait! Mr. Forman, can I ask you something really important before I go?"

Impatiently, "What…?"

Motioning upwards, "Do you think my hair looks flat?" she asked seriously.

Red stared blankly at her. He then turned and walked out of the room…

A short time later…

Point Place, Wisconsin

Outside Grooves Record Store

Jackie so didn't want to be here. If she hadn't been so concerned about her hair, there's no way she would have let Mr. Forman talk her into this.

But here she was—outside Steven's record store.

It wasn't as if she cared about his welfare or anything. Of course not. If it was up to her, she would have been happy to abandon her scruffy ex-boyfriend to fend for himself during the oncoming snowstorm. It's the least he deserved for being such a jackass!

Thinking about his recent jackass behavior made her want to bury him in the snow herself. Jackie still couldn't believe he had the nerve to refer to her designer shoes as crap and tell her she waddled like a lopsided duck. Seriously, who the hell did Steven Hyde think he was?

A badly-groomed thorn in her side, that's what he was.

Things should have been wonderful. She should be picking up her wonderful boyfriend from the airport about now. But no, a snowstorm had to drop in and mess up all her wonderful plans. Not only was her wonderful boyfriend's plane delayed, but now she had to pick up her so-not-wonderful ex-boyfriend. Things weren't wonderful at all!

And as far as Jackie was concerned, it was all Steven's fault!

Did she mention she so didn't want to be here?

Ugh, she may as well get it over with. Decision made, Jackie prepared to make her entrance—which involved pulling out her compact, reapplying her makeup, fixing her hair, and obsessively examining her appearance.

Hey, just because she didn't care about Steven didn't mean she didn't care about her appearance. It's not like she wanted to look extra drop dead gorgeous in front of Steven, making him regret ever dropping her for that stripper skank. That wasn't it at all…

Finally, with one last hair flip and a hand poised on her hip, she was ready to make an appearance.

And so—sashaying into the record store as if she was a model in a runway show—Jackie Burkhart made her entrance…

Several feet into the record store, Jackie halted, posing like she was shooting a magazine cover. "Hello, Steven," she greeted coolly, acting aloof.

Hyde looked up from the stack of records he was sorting. Then he did a double take beneath his shades. Jackie? What was Jackie doing here? She hated his guts. No way she would have come here. Maybe he was hallucinating. He must have gone through more of his stash than he thought.

He then heard, "Steven, what's wrong with you? Why are you standing there staring? It's creepy! Does listening to bad music all day render you stupid in the presence of striking beauty or something?" being bitched at him in a shrilly, conceited tone.

Nope, he wasn't hallucinating. Jackie was definitely here.

Crap.

Hyde then politely greeted her with a "What the hell are you doing here?"

Jackie's expression turned downright glacial. Dropping her hand from her hip, "What do you think I'm doing here?" she spat.

"I don't know. Designer shoe target practice…?"

Jackie stomped her foot impatiently. God, she better be getting amazing Christmas presents from Mr. and Mrs. Forman for having to put up with this jackass. "Don't tempt me, Steven. You should really try being a little bit grateful. Mr. Forman sent me to pick up your sorry butt since your car broke down."

"Well then, I'll be sure to thank Red when I get back," Hyde smirked.

Anger flaring, "You know, I have half a mind to take my shoes off and throw them at you right now, but Mr. Forman said we couldn't waste time—"

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to risk breaking another heel, would you?" Hyde sarcastically interrupted.

All rational thought left Jackie. "Jerk! I'd be willing to sacrifice my entire shoe collection for the satisfaction of hitting you."

"No chance of that happening," Hyde disputed. "I hate to break it to you, but your aim sucks."

"My aim does not suck…you suck!" came her lame rebuttal.

Condescendingly, "Uh, huh."

Jackie wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face! "I want those shoes back, by the way. I don't know what you did with them but—"

Hyde didn't let her finish. "You gotta be kidding me. You're actually worried about those crappy broken shoes?" he asked, appalled.

"They're designer—"

"They're crap—"

"They're not crap—"

"They're broken. They're crap."

Losing patience, "I told you, they have special meaning—"

"Special, my ass," Hyde berated. "You're harping about a pair of overpriced shoes that yuppies like you buy because they have some bogus designer label when in reality they're no better than anything from K-Mart."

Jackie made a face. "Ew. As if I would ever shop there. Just because you grew up all poor doesn't mean you have to begrudge the rest of us—"

"I don't know why I thought I could talk to you," Hyde broke in, exasperated. "You may be short, but your nose has gotten stuck so far up in the air, Michael Jordan wouldn't be able to see it."

"You know what? I was so stupid to come pick you up," Jackie spat back. "I should have told Mr. Forman to take Eric's car keys and shove them up your—"

"Then why did you agree to pick me up?" Hyde cut across her, his eyes boring into hers. His tone was serious, as if her answer held some importance…

Jackie, however, was too riled up to pick up on any hidden connotations. "Clearly, I lost my mind! I must have been too upset with Donna calling my hair flat to think straight!" she shouted. "I can't believe this! I should be picking up my wonderful boyfriend from the airport, but his plane was delayed because of this stupid snowstorm and it's all your fault!"

"My fault? Jackie, are you kidding me? I may be capable of a lot of things, but conjuring up snowstorms isn't one of them."

"I-I don't know how it's your fault…It just is!" Jackie persisted irrationally. "Like everything else that's gone wrong! My shoes! My hair! The snowstorm! It's all your fault!"

Hyde noticed she seemed to be having some sort of breakdown. "Um…Jackie, are you alright? Not feeling the need to throw shoes or anything, are you?"

Fed up, "Ugh! Steven! Let's just get out of here before that snowstorm hits!"

Silence.

"Uh…Jackie. I think it might be too late for that," Hyde noted, staring past her towards the windows…

Frowning, Jackie whipped around to see what had captured his attention—only to gasp in horror at the sight of what was about six feet of snow piled up outside and barricading them in!

The snowstorm had hit.

They were trapped.

In the store.

Together.

Hyde nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I don't think we're going anywhere for a while…"

A very chatty hour later…

"God, I can't believe I'm spending my Christmas Eve stuck in a record store with you of all people. If I was going to be stuck in a record store with anybody, I'd want it to be John Travolta. At least then we could recreate the end scene in Grease…"

Bitch.

Bitch.

Bitch Some More.

That was what Jackie had been doing for the past hour. Nonstop. It was driving Hyde crazy.

"But no, I'm stuck with you." Jackie flipped her hair back as she followed Hyde around, complaining loudly about their current predicament. "And what is going on with the ventilation in this place? It's horrible! My hair might go flat…"

Sorting records, Hyde relied on his "Zen" to maintain his cool.

"Contrary to what Donna thinks, my hair is not flat! But it will be if we don't get out of here." Jackie looked at him accusingly. "Which reminds me, you're a man, how come you're not doing anything to get us out of here? Aren't you at all concerned about my hair?" When it was clear he wasn't going to answer, "This is the worst night of my life! If my hair goes flat, I'll never forgive you…"

Hyde struggled to maintain "Zen."

"How can you just stand around calmly sorting records?" she asked. "Life as we know it could be coming to an end! Do you see how much snow is building up outside?" She pointed towards the door and windows. "We could die in here!" A panicked expression overtook her face. "Oh my god! This is a nightmare! I might die with bad hair!"

Hyde's "Zen" was really starting to wear thin.

Jackie glimpsed the record he was holding. "Led Zeppelin? I don't get it." She grabbed the Led Zeppelin album off of him. "How come you only carry bad music in this store? I don't know what you have against good music like Duran Duran."

Hyde's "Zen" was gone completely.

"That's it! Nobody insults Led Zeppelin in my store," Hyde gruffly mandated, plucking the album off of her. Setting the record aside, he grabbed Jackie by the waist and hauled her over his shoulder…

Swinging her arms and legs, "Steven! Put me down!" Jackie squealed.

"Behave!" Hyde ordered, lightly smacking her on the butt.

"Ow! Steven! You Jerk!"

A second later, Hyde roughly set her in a sitting position on the counter next to the register.

"How dare you! I could have you arrested for this—"

"Jackie." Hyde spoke in such a threatening tone, she reluctantly held her tongue.

Hyde whipped the sunglasses off his face and looked her straight in the eyes. "Listen good. I don't want to hear about John Travolta. I don't want to hear about your hair. And I certainly don't want to hear about your opinions on music. The only thing I want is for you to sit there and shut up." He put his sunglasses back on and turned away.

"Steven, you're being ridiculous—"

Turning back, "Jackie, you crossed a line. I might have been able to tune out all that other crap you were spouting, but you can't insult Led Zeppelin and expect to get away with it," Hyde asserted, ignoring the cute way she was pouting at him on the store counter.

"C'mon, Steven, I've listened to Stairway to Heaven. The song doesn't even make sense!"

"Then you're not listening to it right."

"What do you mean? For your information, I do everything right. I'm perfect—"

Hyde lost whatever fleeting grip on his "Zen" he might have had. "Look, Jackie. Do you think I want to be here with you? Cuz believe me, I don't. You're the last person I'd pick to be stuck in a snowstorm with. All you've done is whine, whine, whine. I guess it should come as no surprise that you can't think about anyone but yourself. But how do you think I feel listening to all your bellyaching? Man, can't you stop being a bitch for one night and shut the hell up?"

Jackie's eyes widened in shock before narrowing into cold, hard slits.

"Jackie…?"

Silence.

Hyde grinned.

After a few seconds, his grin faltered. Maybe he had been a too harsh on her…but it had achieved the desired effect.

Silence.

Silence.

More Silence.

He smirked as Jackie continued to glare at him.

A very silent hour later…

Silence.

Silence.

More Silence.

That's all there was since Jackie ceased speaking. Completely. It was driving Hyde crazy.

Sure, he'd enjoyed the peace and quiet…initially. But after an extended period of silence, he had to grudgingly admit he missed her brainless chatter.

Jackie had managed to stay perfectly silent and still on the counter. It was driving her crazy! But it was worth it. Because it was driving Steven crazy. And she was all for driving Steven Hyde to breaking point.

She didn't have to wait long…

Unable to take it anymore, Hyde decided to bite the bullet. "So, Jackie. After giving it some consideration, I've decided to let you speak again."

Silence.

"Go ahead, yap away about your hair, John Travolta…whatever."

Silence.

"Alright, I'll admit I may have overreacted about the Led Zeppelin."

More Silence.

Man, she must really be pissed. "Jackie, this is ridiculous. We can't go on ignoring each other forever."

At that, Jackie's resolve broke. Pushing herself off the counter, she coldly addressed him. "Sure we can. You did it throughout our entire relationship. I don't see why now should be any different."

Involuntarily, Hyde's mouth parted in shock. In low tones, "Jackie, how can you say that?" he asked, sounding almost…hurt.

Jackie paused to give him a searching look. Finally, "Because it's true," she said flatly.

Looking away from her, "Yeah, well, at least I'm not the one who did a runner to New York," Hyde muttered.

"What…?"

"Nothing," Hyde snapped.

"Fine. I didn't want to know anyway," she huffed.

"Good."

Silence.

"The only thing I'm concerned about is getting the hell out of here and away from you," Jackie assured with false bravado.

"Believe me, the feeling's mutual." Hyde's gaze drifted to the whirling snowstorm outside. "But given how things are looking, I'd say we're here for the night," he deduced.

Sounding more confident than she felt, "I'm sure our friends will come for us."

Hyde scoffed. "Jackie, I'm not sure how it's escaped your notice, but our friends are neither the most capable nor the most reliable people in the world. Trust me. No one's coming for us."

"Please. They're not that bad…"

Raising an eyebrow, "Jackie, Kelso's fallen off the water tower more times than I can count and Fez once confided that he finds glue 'tasty.' And don't even get me started on Forman—the man still plays with action figures for God's sake. If the competency of our friends is anything to go by, we'll still be here next week."

"But surely—"

"Face it, we're screwed."

She opened her mouth to object again...

"Jackie, you know our friends. Imagine what they're doing right now…"

At that exact moment, on the other side of Point Place…

Forman's Basement

Eric, Fez, and Kelso were hunched over the table, their attention fixated to its contents while Donna was sitting on the couch with her arms folded, glowering at them.

"Your move, little buddy," Kelso said, his tone deadly serious.

Fez hesitated, saying a silent prayer before picking a card. "Sonofabitch, it's blue. This is not going to get me anywhere," he angrily swore, making his move.

"Take it easy, Fez," Eric soothed before smiling smugly. "You just sit back and watch the master work." Putting his hands to his temples, Eric concentrated on the pile of cards.

Fez scowled darkly in Eric's direction. "You know, I'm pretty sure playing with a Luke Skywalker action figure is grounds for disqualification."

Eric waved dismissively. "Shhhh…I'm using the force to ensure victory and…Ahhh, Jedi mind-tricks are a load of crock! I have to go backwards!"

"That's what happens when you don't play by the rules, you cheating bastard," Fez happily remarked.

"Alright, my turn!" Kelso exclaimed. Puffing out his chest, he arrogantly announced, "Get ready to watch me win this baby." Turning his card, "And there it is! I WON!" He stood up, triumphantly waving his hands about. "YEAH, BABY! THREE TIMES IN A ROW! HOW FREAKIN' AWESOME AM I?"

"I can't believe you won again!" Eric bemoaned. "I was so sure this was my round. The Force really let me down…"

"I told you, man. I'm a pro at this," Kelso told him in a superior tone.

Donna shook her head disbelievingly. "I can't believe you guys have been playing Candy Land for the last hour," she chastised.

"You're just upset you got slaughtered on the first round," Eric brushed off.

Rolling her eyes, "By the way, aren't you guys forgetting something?" she asked meaningfully, gesturing around.

The guys all looked around in confusion.

"You haven't noticed anything missing?"

The guys continued to look around in confusion.

"Jackie and Hyde!" Donna spit out in frustration. "Aren't you guys worried? Red said Jackie went to pick Hyde up from the record store in Eric's car."

Eric's momentary wave of worry quickly passed. "I'm sure they're fine," he reassured.

"Yes, and if they are not it is most likely because they have killed each other. In which case, there is nothing more we can do," Fez calmly surmised.

"Yeah, or they could be having wild animal sex in Eric's car," Kelso offered.

Everyone looked at Kelso.

"What? That's what I'd do!"

Trying not to think about what could be going on in his car, Eric said, "Donna, I'll check into it…right after another game of Candy Land. You guys ready?"

Donna threw up her hands and stood up. "I should have left you guys at the water tower." She looked down at the board game. "Damn, I suddenly have the urge to eat candy..." She then made to leave.

"You stay away from my candy bag, bitch!" Fez warned.

"Just try not to make yourself too fat," Eric sarcastically called out.

"Ass" Donna was heard muttering as she stormed out of the basement.

Eric sighed. "Man, she's been so moody lately. I've given up on figuring out what her deal is."

"The deal is your wife is eating everything in sight…including my candy," Fez stated crossly.

"Hey, you know what would make Candy Land even MORE awesome?" Kelso enthusiastically questioned.

The guys all looked at each other…and grinned.

A rather hazy 20 minutes later…

"Kelso was right. Candy Land is even more awesome in the circle," a half-baked Eric remarked. "I feel like I'm actually at Gumdrop Mountain! I'm not sure why Gumdrop Mountain keeps moving though…"

Kelso nodded exuberantly. "Dude, Queen Frostine is HOT! I would so do her!"

"I am partial to Princess Lolly, myself," Fez candidly proclaimed. Staring at the board with a lustful expression, "Oh, I would love to lick her lollies." He paused and looked thoughtful. "I wonder how Princess Lolly would feel about my hot, sweaty sex fantasy involving candy and glitter…"

Eric looked from Kelso to Fez. "Man, you two are twisted." He frowned suddenly. "Hey, isn't there something we're forgetting? Something about Jackie and Hyde…?"

A dazed and confused Kelso laughed stupidly. "Jackie and Hyde? Who are they? Do they have a Candy Castle? Because if they don't, I wouldn't worry about them…"

Fez turned to Eric. "I am sure Jackie and Hyde are fine…as long as they have no candy for Donna to steal." His tone turned bitter. "Because if they do have candy, she will attack them and take their candy…then she laugh while they cry." His features became worrisome. "Excuse me, I must go make sure that evil woman does not eat the last of my candy," he said before taking off to protect his candy…

Eric hazily watched the foreign man run away. He shrugged. "Yeah, I'm sure I'm not forgetting anything important." He gazed down at the game. "Am I the only one who finds Lord Licorice scary?" he asked, appearing distraught. "He kind of reminds me of Donna…"

Back at the record store…

"Yeah, we're screwed," Jackie agreed with Hyde.

Hyde barely reacted. "I told you so," he simply stated.

"If Rick was here—"

"Well, Mr. Wonderful isn't here. So, he's not so wonderful, now is he?" Hyde harshly cut off.

Jackie huffed in aggravation. She then brightened. "Hey! I'm sure the Forman's will be worried about us!" she cheered optimistically.

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

Shrugging, "The Forman's tend to get distracted."

"What do you mean?" Jackie questioned.

Hyde gave her a meaningful look. "Think about it…"

At the same time, across town…

Forman's Living Room

Red and Kitty were sitting on the couch watching TV.

"It's awfully quiet," Kitty commented.

"Yep." Red sounded quite pleased about that.

"I think the kids are all down in the basement."

"Yep." Red sounded even more pleased about that.

"Do you think we should check and make sure everything's alright?"

Red didn't hesitate. "Nope."

Kitty suddenly started giggling.

Red turned to her, silently questioning her actions.

"Oh, Red, I was just thinking of the last time we spent a quiet Christmas Eve alone…"

Red thought on it. "That was a long time ago…"

"It was before the kids were born…"

"Yeah, everything went downhill after they came into world and ruined our lives," Red sourly reminisced.

Kitty looked at him and laughed. "Oh, Red," she scolded teasingly. "But don't you remember that Christmas Eve present I gave you…?"

Red smirked in satisfaction at the memory. "The one wearing only a big red bow…?"

Kitty blushed, adding, "…and a black satin negligee."

Smugly, "That was before I unwrapped my present…"

Pause.

Red and Kitty slowly turned to look at each other.

Then they raced upstairs to the bedroom…

Back at the record store…

"Like I said. We're screwed," Hyde reiterated.

Jackie glared resentfully at him. "Well, what should we do?"

Hyde grinned.

A very relaxed 30 minutes later…

Jackie and Hyde sat on the record store floor, smiling stupidly.

"Oh my god! Steven! You were so right about Stairway to Heaven!" Jackie exclaimed as the song played in the background. "It makes so much more sense now…"

"I know," Hyde said complacently. "Led Zeppelin always makes more sense in the circle…"

"It's clear the song is about shopping!" Jackie excitedly burst out. "Some lady who likes gold is trying to buy a stairway to heaven! It makes me wonder what a stairway costs 'on the whispering wind'…"

Hyde looked at Jackie, extremely disconcerted. "What? No! Jackie, you're totally missing the point of the song…"

"You know what? I want to buy a stairway to heaven! I could put it right next to my unicorn figurine collection…"

Hyde appeared traumatized. "Sacrilege! You've managed ruin the greatest song of all time!"

Not paying attention, Jackie absentmindedly asked, "Do you think stairways to heaven come in multiple sizes?"

Hyde hung his head. "This was clearly a mistake…"

A not-so-very relaxed 30 minutes later…

"I'm never doing a Led Zeppelin circle with you again," Hyde bluntly stated in irritation.

Jackie rolled her eyes.

Hyde continued, obviously still perturbed, "I'm pretty sure I've been scarred for life. I think I need a drink…"

Jackie's eyes lit up. "You have alcohol? We could make Kamikazes!"

Hyde turned to Jackie, who was back to sitting on his counter, and gave her a hard look. "You're not burning down my record store."

"I wouldn't burn down the record store," she protested.

"Remember what happened the last two times you drank Kamikazes?"

Pause.

"Oh, yeah…"

Then…

"I could spray you with my mace instead?" Jackie teasingly offered.

Hiding a smile, Hyde responded, "Not if you want to make it out of here alive."

She nodded, looking at her nails. "Yeah, that's the only reason I haven't sprayed you with mace yet."

Hyde's expression became curious. "You got the mace I sent you?" he asked her.

"Yeah. It was an…interesting birthday present."

"Which you repaid by sending me an ABBA album for my birthday."

She shrugged, amused. "I figured you didn't have one."

"You're right," he told her. "My collection of crap music is sadly lacking."

Jackie smiled and looked away. "Seriously, Steven. Thanks for the mace."

Hyde studied her as if he was trying to figure something out. "I just thought I should replace the one we spilled…you know, from when we set Mrs. Forman's kitchen on fire…"

Remembering the havoc they wreaked, Hyde and Jackie looked at each other—and grinned.

Breaking eye contact, Jackie shook her head. "God, Steven, we're so bad."

Hyde smirked wickedly. "I know."

After a moment, Jackie turned to him, "Hey, Steven, did you ever feel bad about what we did to Michael? Framing him for those fires we started?"

"Nope."

"Yeah, me neither." Jackie tapped her fingers nervously on the counter. "Okay, Steven, I have to make a confession. I gave Michael the money to pay for the damages to the wedding reception and Mrs. Forman's kitchen—"

"You did what?" Hyde's mouth dropped of its own accord.

Jackie didn't grasp the problem. "I gave Michael the money—"

"NO WAY!"

"Steven, what's the matter?"

"That low IQ-ed son of a bitch conned us!" Hyde shouted in frustration.

Realizing she was missing something, "What are you talking about?"

Pissed-off, Hyde revealed, "I'm talking about the fact that Kelso took money from both of us to pay for the fire damage."

"Both of us? You mean you gave him money too?"

"I sure as hell did," Hyde replied, "and knowing Kelso, I'm sure he's blown it all by now so there's no use asking for it back."

"I can't believe this!" Jackie cried in outrage. "I can't believe Michael would be so dishonest as to deceive us like that. It's bad enough he cheated on me all those times when we were dating…but to take my money when he didn't need it? How dare he! He was probably spending my money on cheap whores! Doesn't he have a conscience? Setting us up like that is inexcusable!"

Hyde surveyed Jackie's affronted tirade with sudden amusement. "Don't you find it a bit ironic that we screwed over Kelso by letting him take the blame for the fires we started only to have him turn around and screw us by taking our money?"

Jackie easily swept that moral aspect aside. "That's totally different! He didn't know we started those fires," she justified. "Do you realize how many pairs of shoes I could have bought with that money? I could KILL Michael!"

With a sinister expression, "All in good time, Jackie. All in good time," he assured.

Jackie smiled knowingly. "What are we gonna do? Set something else on fire and let him pay for it?"

Hyde grinned. "We could…or we stretch our evil doings even further on the public humiliation scale."

"Do tell…"

An hour later…

After a lengthy planning session regarding the payback of Michael Kelso, discussion between Jackie and Hyde fell by the wayside.

Until…

Jackie hopped off the counter sporting a somber expression. "You know, Steven, I really don't understand you. Why are you a jackass to me sometimes? Do I mean so little to you?" she implored, her voice surprisingly soft and fragile.

Hyde groaned, unsure what to say. What is it with chicks always wanting to talk about feelings? Steeling himself for the inevitable, he responded, "Okay, normally I would make some crack about loathing you…"

Jackie shifted, not amused.

"…But I won't," he conceded, though he was by no means happy about it. He lowered his shades slightly so he could see her better. "Look, Jacks, I'm going to level with you. I don't loathe you."

Silence.

If Hyde thought that explanation was sufficient…he was wrong.

Jackie was staring at him as if he was functioning on Kelso's intellectual level.

Scrambling, "The truth is…I can even tolerate hanging out with you sometimes," he strangled out.

Silence.

Jackie continued to stare at him as if he'd just had a lobotomy.

Damn.

Hyde sighed. "Things are better if we leave them as is," he clarified poorly.

"I'm sorry," Jackie said as if she heard him wrong, "things are better if you act like a jackass?"

Putting his shades back in place, "Yep. That's about right."

"Steven, that makes no sense!"

Jackie just about had it with Steven. What is it with guys never wanting to talk about their feelings? Determined to put him in his place, Jackie put her hands on her hips and let him have it. "The thing is, Steven, I've had it with all your crazy mood swings. One second, we're cool. The next, you're behaving like a jackass and calling me a lopsided duck! You're worse than a girl with PMS!"

Hyde's jaw clenched. "First of all, I'm not worse than a chick with PMS—"

"Steven, be serious—"

"Second, I stand by my statement that you waddled like a lopsided duck—"

"Ugh! That's so not true—"

"Finally, I don't have mood swings. I know what I'm doing. There's a reason for my behavior."

Jackie's face scrunched up. "Wait…you're saying you purposely act like a jackass?"

Hyde folded his arms, his features devoid of emotion. "What do you think?"

Unable to read him, Jackie didn't know what to think. "I don't understand why we can't be civil…"

Aggravated, Hyde dropped his hands. "You want to know why we can't be civil? Alright, I'll tell you." Man, was he pissed. "There's no middle ground with us. We've never been 'just friends.' We're either fighting or we're…" He feebly gestured between them. "…and obviously we're not…you know."

Confusion flitted across her face. "So…you're saying if we're not sleeping together you can't be civil?"

"Exactly."

"So…you're saying you want to sleep with me?"

"Exact…No! You're twisting what I'm saying—"

Outraged, "So…you're saying you don't want to sleep with me?"

"That's not what…" Hyde paused. "Wait…don't you have a boyfriend? What are you upset about?"

Jackie froze. What was she upset about? "I-It's obvious what I'm upset about!"

"Obvious to who? It's not obvious to me," Hyde argued reasonably.

Jackie nervously bit her lip. Then, flipping her hair back to cover her unease, "Yeah, well…it's obvious to anyone with an ounce of fashion sense why I'm upset!"

Hyde gave up on trying to reason with an unreasonable person. "You know what? You're not worth the aggravation."

Jackie, however, did not think she was unreasonable in the least…

"See? That's why I'm upset!" she shouted at him. "You never knew what I was worth!"

"Well, why don't you go ahead and give me a ballpark figure?" he snidely shot back.

"Shut up!" Jackie ordered, disgusted. "Let me tell you something, Steven Hyde, you should have felt privileged to be with me! I was seriously lowering my standards by dating you. I gave you everything a guy could want, but you never appreciated it. You never knew what I was worth…" She stopped, her voice breaking, old emotions flooding over her like a tidal wave. "There was a time I would have done anything for you, given up anything for you…" She was so overwrought, she could hardly continue. Summoning up her courage, "But what did you do? You threw me away for a cheap stripper!" she fired at him, her angry eyes boring into him. "Then you started acting like a jackass! Pretending as if I didn't matter…as if we never mattered…" To her horror, Jackie's vision started to blur. Closing her eyes, she shakily continued, "You're still acting like a jackass! You still…you still…"

The words caught in Jackie's throat as tears threatened to spill.

Finally, "You still don't know what I'm worth," she forced out in what was barely a whisper, her voice small and unsteady.

Jackie opened her eyes, staring at the now blurry figure of Steven Hyde. God, how did she get herself into this mess? Pretty people with perfect hair weren't supposed to have problems! She should have taken Eric's car and gone shopping instead of trying to save Steven from the snowstorm. Being unselfish is so overrated.

Now she was standing in front of her ex-boyfriend having an emotional breakdown.

Seriously, how embarrassing.

She turned away in a desperate attempt to save face. "This new mascara is crap," she complained.

But Hyde was dealing with his own inner turmoil…

Following Jackie's emotional outburst, Hyde had one thing running through his head over and over again:

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap…

What the hell was he supposed to do?

Hyde felt himself being pushed up against a wall. So, he did what he always did when he was being pushed up against a wall. He pushed back…

"At least I don't kiss and run," he vehemently charged.

Jackie was immediately struck by panic. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that," she hissed.

Good. He wasn't the only one dodging bullets…

"How could we have agreed not to talk about it? We've never talked about it," Hyde pressed on. "You practically sucked my face off before you went to New York, and we've never talked about it."

Jackie did not like where this was going.

Hyde, on the other hand, did like where this was going.

"You wanna place blame, Jackie?" he threw at her. "How about placing a little blame on yourself? That wasn't a goodbye kiss, Jackie. That was a I-wanna-rock-your-world kiss." That was the best freakin' kiss ever, he thought but left unsaid. "And what did you do? You picked up and ran like a scared little girl. You ran, Jackie. You ran. So, don't get up on your pedestal and start pointing fingers because you're just as much to blame."

Following his speech, Hyde folded his arms, challenging her…

Jackie didn't care for this turn of events. "I-I didn't run away…I drove my car away," she pitifully defended. Seeing he wasn't buying it, "You didn't say anything to stop me!"

Unfolding his arms, "I didn't have enough oxygen to say anything! You sucked it all out of me!"

Fed up, Jackie hollered, "You could have come after me!"

"Come after you? You saw how well that worked out with Chicago—"

"Nothing happened!"

"Yeah, but—"

"No buts, Steven. You were the one always looking for excuses to run. If you looked hard enough, you were bound to find them. And you did. Instead of waiting around to find out what really happened, you ran. That's right, Steven, you ran. Then, to top it all off you went off and married a stripper!"

"Technically, I didn't marry—"

"Steven—"

Holding his hands up, "Alright, not one of my finer moments," he acquiesced. "But that was a long time ago…"

"God, Steven, you're still doing it. You're still looking for excuses. You can't face up to anything, can you?" Flickering her hands towards his face, "You can't even have a conversation without wearing those damn sunglasses!"

Jackie watched him unconsciously adjust his shades as if to avoid looking at her.

"How about we drop this whole conversation?" Hyde offered. "I've rethought the whole speaking thing. I really think not speaking is the way to go."

"We're not dropping this conversation," Jackie irritably refused. "We need to have this conversation. We've needed to have this conversation for a long time." She sighed wearily. "Look, I admit it. I ran. I ran to New York. Steven, I ran…I ran because I had to. There was nothing left for me...you weren't there for me. I mean, we weren't even really together at that time and after everything that happened…"

Jackie looked away from him before looking back.

"I didn't want someone who runs away from me. I wanted someone who will come after me. So, I ran…and you never came after me," Jackie admitted. Once again, she found herself close to tears but choked them back. "You never came after me!" she found herself yelling. Then, softer, "You could have come after me."

Hyde closed his eyes as if he was in pain.

"But you know what? It was probably for the best. I have a good life in New York," he heard Jackie say dismissively. He then heard her continue in an arrogant tone, "I always knew I was destined for bigger and better things. I mean, my beauty and talent were wasted in a pathetic little town like Point Place. When I first went to New York and saw all the designer labels, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! But it was when I was trying on my first pair of Manolo Blahnik's that I knew—this was where I was meant to be. Seriously, you did me a favor running me off to New York. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to come back and show everyone how much better I am." Her shockingly conceited confession came to a halt.

Hyde opened his eyes.

"You really had me going there for a second," he bit out. Then, gruffly, "Whatever. I don't know what I expected from a chick who is so out of touch with reality she refuses to shop discount and buys six-hundred dollar shoes."

He met her gaze…

…and wanted to pummel himself when he saw the devastated look on her face, her bottom lip quivering.

"Steven, I thought you knew me better than that," she spoke, the hurt evident in her tone.

Man, he really was a jackass. "I do know there's more to you than that," he granted apologetically. He stepped towards her. "And if I'm hard on you…it's because I know you're better than that." He stopped before he reached her. "But sometimes it's safer to pretend you're not better than that…"

Jackie gave him a weird look. "Huh?"

Figures she wouldn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Never mind," he murmured, turning away from her.

"Oh, no, you can't just say something like that and then pretend it never happened," Jackie vehemently objected, grabbing his arm. "Explain yourself," she demanded, releasing him.

Hyde expelled a breath. "Alright, I'll explain," he relented. "Things between us have always been…complicated. To be honest, I never imagined dating some unicorn-loving chick who dug Donny Osmond and thought shopping should qualify as a full-time job." At Jackie's look, he cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say is, I found out there's more to you than your crap taste in music and a fictitious animal fixation. But when things went bad, it became easier to focus on the negative stuff." He stared down at his shoes. "I know I didn't always treat you the best. I'm not proud of some of the things I did. If I could go back and change things, I would."

"Gee, maybe you should have thought of that before you married a stripper and started behaving like a jackass," Jackie sarcastically retorted, unable to keep former resentment from surfacing.

Hyde lifted his gaze. "I really hurt you, didn't I?"

The look she gave him said it all.

Hyde had never been more grateful for his shades. Pulling himself together, "I'm sorry, Jackie," he said evenly. "I never meant to hurt you—"

"Didn't you?"

"I…maybe I did," he confessed.

A moment of understanding passed between them.

"I…I'm sorry." And he meant it. He really meant it.

Jackie knew he meant it. But she didn't want him to mean it. It was easier to hate him and ignore the fluttering in her heart if he didn't mean it.

"I see," she said shortly.

"Do you?"

Jackie's could feel the heat of his penetrating gaze run through her.

"No," she urgently denied, turning away from him. She seriously needed to get away from him while he was looking at her like that…

Spotting the record player behind the counter, "Don't you think it's too quiet in here?" she questioned uneasily.

"No."

Ignoring him, she practically ran behind the counter. "We should play something better than Led Zeppelin…" She ceased speaking, her gaze riveted to the album next to the record player. "Oh my god! You have ABBA's Dancing Queen!" she squealed, bouncing up and down.

"You did give it to me for my birthday," came Hyde's low voice, suddenly right behind her.

She halted mid-bounce, her back stiffening.

"This is…" A million disorienting emotions ran through her. "You kept it?"

"Of course. Just because it's a crap song doesn't mean I'd toss it."

"It's not a crap song!"

Jackie whirled around to face him…

…which turned out to be a mistake.

Taken aback by his close proximity, words failed her.

Damn.

And he had taken his sunglasses off, his blue eyes now piercing into her.

Double damn.

"Do you remember how we danced to that crap song at Forman's wedding?" Hyde smoothly questioned, his voice level dropping.

Jackie's breath caught. "So…?"

"So…wanna dance?"

***FLASHBACK***

Saturday, June 5th, 1982

Point Place, Wisconsin

Point Place Hotel—Eric and Donna's Wedding Reception

ABBA's Dancing Queen suddenly came blasting form the DJ booth.

"Oh my God! I love this song!" Jackie squealed in glee.

"I can't believe Eric and Donna allowed disco," Hyde grumbled.

"What the hell are Fez and Laurie doing? That's not the way you dance to this song!" Jackie bitched as she watched Fez and Laurie getting down and dirty on the dance floor. "Steven, hold my Kamikaze," she ordered, shoving her drink at him. "I need to go show these morons how disco is done!"

Jackie then marched off without a backwards glance…

…leaving Hyde to shrug and say "To the Disco Queen of Point Place" before downing her Kamikaze.

Then, in what he'd later claim was a bad reaction to drinking Jackie's Kamikaze, Hyde followed Jackie out onto the dance floor.

Jackie, who was pulling out her best disco moves, immediately ceased twirling as she took in the most surreal sight she'd ever seen…

Steven Hyde. Standing in front of her. On the dance floor.

"Steven?" she gasped in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Losing my mind," he groaned, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her toward him. "C'mon, dollface, let's dance," he whispered before whirling her around.

Jackie was stunned.

The world had come to an end.

Steven Hyde was dancing to disco.

"Where's my Kamikaze?" Jackie eventually recovered enough to ask as they moved about.

"Gone."

"Gone…?"

"Yep." He smirked at her. "Tasted better than I thought."

"Steven! That was my drink!"

"What? The other twenty you've had tonight not sufficient? Haven't we done enough damage tonight?"

"I know," she pouted. "I'm starting to think I'm bad luck."

"Jackie, you're not bad luck," Hyde refuted.

"Steven, how can you say that?" Motioning towards their surroundings, "We drenched Donna and Eric's wedding reception by setting off the fire alarm. If that's not bad luck, I don't know what is."

"It's not bad luck." He grinned evilly. "It's a freakin' awesome burn!"

Jackie sighed dreamily. "You know, despite the fact that Donna and Eric are only mildly attractive, can't dance, and we soaked their reception, the wedding didn't turn out all that bad," she observed.

"There was that awkward moment where you ducked the bouquet," Hyde mentioned mischievously.

She glared at him as he spun her around. "I told you I didn't duck! It was a drunken stumble!"

He gave her a knowing smile. "Whatever you say."

She rolled her eyes, letting it go. Then, brightly, "Don't you just love this song, Steven?"

"Uh…"

"Can't you 'feel the beat from the tambourine'?"

"I think I feel something, but it's not the beat from the tambourine…"

Jackie looked at him and frowned.

It was then she realized something important…

"Steven, what are we doing?"

"Dancing…?"

"Dancing requires movement. We're not moving."

It was true. They weren't moving. Somewhere along the line, they stopped moving.

"No reason we can't take things slow," Hyde argued.

"But this is a fast song…"

Hyde's gaze fell to her lips. "Trust me. It's better slow…"

Jackie suddenly became aware of their close proximity. "Better slow…" she repeated breathlessly.

It was a moment captured in time.

One heartbreakingly beautiful, tantalizingly wonderful moment in time.

In that moment, Jackie and Hyde were only aware of each other, their bodies intertwined as if by a magnetic pull. In an almost dream-like state, they held onto one another. It was as if they never wanted to let go.

Hyde began to lower his head as Jackie lifted hers.

Slowly, slowly, their eyelids began to close…

Slowly, slowly, their lips came towards one another…

Softly, softly, their lips were about to touch…

All of a sudden, the music stopped.

The moment was lost.

Jackie and Hyde opened their eyes and looked at one another. Eyes widening at the reality of their situation, they both jumped back from one another as if they were scalded.

They both had the same wild, panicked expression.

"I have to go get another Kamikaze," Jackie blurted out.

"Yeah, I was gonna go see if I can get Kelso blamed for something else," Hyde replied.

Jackie nodded. "Good."

Hyde nodded back. "Great."

They turned away from each other and hauled ass in opposite directions.

***END FLASHBACK***

"I can't believe we're dancing in the middle of your record store to ABBA," Jackie mused.

"Neither can I," Hyde dryly responded. "I think the fumes from your hairspray must be getting to me."

Jackie laughed as they continued dancing.

"I-I'm really glad we talked thing out," Jackie spoke softly.

"Yeah."

A moment later…

"Steven, the music's stopped," Jackie pointed out.

"I know."

"Were you remembering…?"

"Yeah."

Struggling to get out of his embrace, "We should…"

"Yeah, we should," Hyde agreed, but his iron grip held her in place.

"Steven…"

"Jackie…"

"Look, before this goes any further, I need to ask you something really important," Jackie told him with a grim expression.

"What's that?"

"Does my hair look flat to you?" she asked, moving back so he could a better look.

Hyde stared. "What? Jackie, what the hell are you talking about? Your hair is fine."

Jackie lit up like a Christmas tree. "I knew Donna was crazy!" she boasted.

Hyde stared for several more moments. He shook his head. "Now I need to ask you something important," he claimed.

"Steven, your hair is never flat," Jackie joked.

Hyde's look told her he was not in a joking mood.

"Alright, Alright. What is it?"

Hyde sighed. It was now or never. "This Mr. Wonderful guy you've made up—"

"His name is Rick—"

"Whatever—"

"And he's not made up—"

"Jackie, can you shut your trap and let me talk?"

Huffing, "Fine."

"I need to ask you. Is this Mr. Wonderful guy the love of your life?" he forcibly asked, his blue eyes blazing.

Taken off guard, "What…why are you asking me that?" Jackie sputtered. Narrowing her eyes, "Have you been talking to Fez?" she questioned skeptically, "Because he's been asking me all these strange questions lately about the love of my life and running naked in high-heels…"

"Jackie," Hyde ground out. "Stop stalling and answer the question. Is Mr. Wonderful the love of your life?"

"It's complicated…"

"Yes or no, Jackie…"

Jackie squirmed uncomfortably. "Well…"

Jackie wasn't sure where Steven was going with this line of questioning, but she couldn't help the prickle of awareness that shot down her spine that told her she was about to find out…

Hyde himself wasn't sure where he was going with this line of questioning. He didn't really know what he wanted to say, but he knew he had to say something. And that something would probably change everything. Bracing himself, he took a deep breath…

"Jackie, listen. I want you to know—"

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Jackie and Hyde immediately sprang apart.

A man was standing outside of the store.

A man Jackie recognized…

"Oh my god! Rick! He's here!" she shouted in delight.

Opening the door, a far-too-handsome man approached Jackie with a winning smile.

Hyde didn't like the guy.

"How's my girl?" the man asked Jackie as she happily hopped into his arms.

Hyde really didn't like the guy.

"So Mr. Wonderful does exist," Hyde grumbled under his breath as he watched the reuniting couple embrace.

"I'm so glad you're here! It was horrible! I thought I was going to die and my hair was going to go flat!" Jackie dramatically recounted.

Eventually, Jackie recalled Hyde's presence in the room. She reddened, hopping off of Mr. Wonderful. "I'm sorry, Rick. This is Steven. I might have told you about him once."

"So, you're the infamous Mr. Wonderf—I mean, Rick," Hyde greeted, smirking at the warning glare Jackie was giving him.

Mr. Wonderful, a.k.a. Rick, smiled obligingly, extending his hand. "It's nice to meet you—"

Squeezing Rick's hand harder than necessary, "Call me Hyde," he insisted.

"Rick, how did you get here?" Jackie questioned her boyfriend. "I thought your flight was cancelled."

Putting his arm around Jackie, Rick replied, "It was, but I promised you I would be here Christmas Eve. Let's just say I may have bribed a few people to make it here on time." He winked. "After finding out from the Forman's where you were, I rented a car and drove here."

Touched, "Aww, you bribed people so you could be with me. You're the most wonderful boyfriend ever!" Jackie cooed.

Rick laughed. "I hope you still think I'm wonderful when I tell you the airport lost my luggage."

Dismay instantly overcame her. "No! That means you didn't bring the emergency hair care products I requested!"

"Sorry, sweetheart, you'll just have to make due," Rick consoled, looking amused.

Hyde, witnessing this exchange with Mr. Wonderful, wanted to hurl. "Glad to see you have your priorities straight, Jackie. Rick here drives through a snowstorm and you're worried about your hair," he contemptuously remarked.

Jackie spun towards him, fuming. "Don't be ridiculous, I know what's important. What's important is that he came after me," she retorted meaningfully.

Following that confrontation, all conversation died—leaving Jackie and Hyde glaring at each other.

The room soon filled with…

Awkward Silence.

More Awkward Silence.

Even More Awkward Silence.

Until…

"We should probably get going," Rick bravely ventured, "before the snowstorm starts back up."

"Good idea," Jackie hastily agreed.

Rick turned to Hyde. "You coming?"

"Yeah, I'll be right there, man. Just gotta lock up the store," Hyde told them.

Hyde then watched as Jackie walked out hand-in-hand with Mr. Wonderful to the car.

That something funky was twisting his gut so bad he thought he might actually vomit. Man, that indigestion really seemed to act up whenever he thought of Jackie…

It was then he realized that something funky feeling had nothing to do with indigestion and everything to do with a certain loudmouth brunette.

Hyde was forced to face the truth:

He was jealous.

He was a jackass.

He wanted Jackie back.

Swearing under his breath, Hyde muttered, "It's official. This is hell…and there's a goddamn snowstorm."

Coming Up in Chapter 5: Christmas is here—and so is Jackie's boyfriend! Hyde tries to deal with his feelings for Jackie…with unexpected results. Additionally, the gang plays a game that leads to an all-too-revealing Christmas, Jackie and Hyde get revenge on Kelso, and everyone finds out the identity of Fez's lady!

A/N: Holy word count, Batman! Well…I almost split this chapter in two. After some serious consideration, however, I decided that the overall flow of both this chapter and this story as a whole functions best with chapter 4 left as one extremely long chapter. The purpose of this chapter is to shed light on J/H's back-and-forth relationship. To properly showcase that, it's important to note the progression of their relationship from the beginning to the end of the chapter.

For those of you who have been following along with story—thank you so much for your patience and support. This chapter took longer to get out than I thought…but at least it's here! I hope you've enjoyed the story so far.

Oh, and I don't advocate attacking people with high-heels except in cases of self-defense…

Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!