Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella.

Seven months, seven months without my life, without my heart, without my love, without her.

I tugged at my severely dishevelled hair. I couldn't do this anymore. I had to see her. Just make sure she was safe. Oh, whom was I kidding? I wanted to leap through her window and grovel on my knees, asking her forgiveness. I wanted to breath in her sinful scent and take her in my arms. I needed her. Okay, just a quick peak to ensure her safety. I pulled on a new shirt for the first time in a real long time.

I'll come with you Edward. And don't think about saying no, it's my choice. I need my best friend and my brother back.

Alice's mental voice came from downstairs. "I'm not staying Alice. I'm just checking up on her. She won't know I'm there." I called down.

Yeah right

I sighed as I realised I wouldn't be able to leave her again. I was going home. Home where my heart lay.

I found myself feeling almost happy for the first time since I had left my love. As we sprinted from the Port Angelles airport (it was faster and easier than renting a car) I felt the need to be with my Bella grow bigger.

We arrived at her house a short time after. As I walked through her garden I suddenly started to think about her reaction to me

I left her. What if she hated me? What if she had moved on? What if she loved someone else?

I was glad I came alone; Alice had reluctantly agreed to go back to the house so I could talk with Bella first. I don't think I could deal with having my sister there if I was rejected by my love.

I decided to knock on her door, be polite. Do it the right way.

I took a deep unnecessary breath, braced myself, and knocked on my love, my Bella's front door.

I heard shuffling inside the house and only then did it occur to me that I couldn't smell her. Well, I could, but only vaguely.

What if she had moved? I froze. I wanted her to move on, I told myself, not convincing anyone.

After about a minute Charlie Swan opened the door. He froze when he saw me. And then he looked at me with so much hate in his eyes that I cringed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here Cullen?" he sneered.

"ehm, I, I came to see Bella, Chief Swan", I said in a low voice.

"Do you think this is funny? Isn't it enough for you to kill my daughter, but to come here and mock me about it? DO YOU?" He was shouting, and crying.

I was completely taken aback. I was prepared for him to be mad, but he was terrifying.

At that point something struck me. He said I had killed Bella.

"Sir, what do you mean? Where's Bella? I just want to, I need to, where is she?" I choked out. I had never been so scared in my entire life.

Then Charlie Swan looked up at me and said the three words I never knew could cause me more pain than anything.

"She killed herself"

I slumped to my knees. My angel couldn't be dead. She couldn't be. She had to live! My body trembled with dry sobs. Charlie was yelling at me, I didn't hear a thing.

Then I vaguely felt something being thrown at me. And then the door slammed. I refused to believe it. It was some sort of sick joke. It had to be. I don't know how long I sat on her front steps. Long. Long enough for Alice to see it and come get it and then sit as she tried to make me tell her what happened.

I could only think of one thing. My angel, my Bella was gone. Gone to heaven, away from the monsters that never should have intervened with her life in the first place.

Alice somehow got me home to our old house, the only home I had. It was cold. Just like us, soulless, dangerous, cruel.

Alice just sat with me. After a few ours I managed to whisper what had happened. Alice sobbed, and apologised for not seeing. I told her not too. I had given her orders to not watch her future. It was all me. The monster.

Sometime after I noticed that I clutched the object Charlie had thrown at me earlier. It was an envelope with my name scribbled on it. It was salt-water stains all over it making it crispy. It was Bellas handwriting. I stroke my fingers lovingly over it. It was all I had left of my love. My victim.

"What is it your holding, Edward?" Alice's voice was dead. It pained me even more. I had not only killed my love, but I had killed parts of my family too. "Charlie gave it to me. It's from her." I whispered.

"You should read it Edward." I couldn't. It would make it too real. I had a pretty good idea what this was and I knew I wouldn't be able to do this without my family here.

I have already called them Edward. They will be here in half an hour

When my family walked through the doors Alice immediately slammed into Jasper and started to sob uncontrollably. I just sat there. They sat near me. Everyone close to their loved ones. My love was gone. Another dry sob racked my body.

I gave the letter to Carlisle's questioning look.

What is this Edward. It's addressed to you, shouldn't you..

I shook my head and closed my eyes. I could my family's eyes on me. But I couldn't bring myself to care.

Uncertainty in his mind, Carlisle started to read the words that killed and buried the rest of my cold heart.

Dear Edward

I knew that you would eventually find out, though I hoped you wouldn't.

I know you will blame yourself, love, but please, don't.

It's my choice, my life.

And what is a life without a soul, a heart?

They will always be with you Edward,

So I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I don't blame you Edward, how could I?

You gave me time of your life, and I'm grateful.

Know that I understand, no one should live pretending to love someone they don't, it's wrong.

I don't blame anyone else either. And to me, they, you, will always be my family, no matter what.

Tell Esme I love her deeply. I never had a mother before I met Esme. Tell her she is amazing.

Tell Carlisle that I'm grateful for the time I got to belong in your family; it was the best time of my life. And tell him that he is such an inspiration to everyone. He is my other father.

Tell Jasper to take care of Alice for me, and that, to me; he was always my brother.

I understand, and I don't blame him for what happened.

Tell Rosalie that I admire her strength, her determination. And even though we weren't so close, I loved her too. I think she would have been an amazing mother, with her ability to protect those she loves.

Tell Emmet that he will always be my big brother; the one I knew would always protect me. Tell him to protect your family and that I wish I was enough, that I could spend more time with being his little sister. I'll miss him so much, and that I love him.

Tell Alice that she is my best friend, my sister, and that she always will be. I wish now that she will burst through my window wanting to play "bella-barbie". I wish that she could have planned our wedding and been my maid of honour. Tell her I love her and to make sure that the family is never out of style. I love her and miss her.

Goodbye Edward, I will always love you. I know it will hurt those around me, but it just hurts too much. I can't do it anymore. Don't do anything stupid. Please, for me. If you have just a little feeling, friendly, love or anything left, promise me that you don't do anything stupid. Let me rest, knowing that you'll live. It's the only comfort I can feel now.

I love you, always will. I'm sorry for not being enough, and I don't blame you. I'm sorry for breaking my promise, love, but you broke yours too. You could never leave my life completely. You can physically, but the evidence would always lie in my heart.

I'm sorry, I love you.

Always yours, Bella.

My family was utterly still while Carlisle read the letter. Her letter. Her suicide letter. Esme was sobbing on Carlisle's shoulder and Alice was trembling with convulsing sobs in Jaspers lap. Even Rosalie was sobbing. I was more dead inside than ever. She was gone forever. She still loved me, my family, after what I'd done to her. And she couldn't live anymore, because I hurt her too much. I couldn't move.

I thought I would be past noticing anything at this point, but Emmet's thoughts broke through to me. He was blaming himself? I looked up.

"It's me to blame Emmet, not you," I whispered almost inaudibly.

"Yes, but it's mine too Edward!" he sobbed. I had never seen Emmet cry before. He got up and walked right into my face, with hate in his eyes.

"I was supposed to protect her Edward! And I didn't, I didn't protect her from you! And now she is gone, my baby sister is gone!" he yelled before he stormed out of the house. Rosalie rose slowly and moved towards me. "You told her you didn't love her, didn't you?" I looked down. "You complete ass! She was my sister too you know! And even though I didn't show it, I loved her." She smacked me hard, making my head turn involuntarily. Then she walked out after Emmet.

I sank to the floor, still not breathing. Alice was in complete trance, clutching at Jasper.

"I don't see her Jasper, I can't see her!" she buried her head in her hands and whispered, "I was going to be her maid of honour Jasper. She picked me, I was her first choice."

I died inside then. I died for my sister, for my mother, my brother, my family. I died for Bella, my Bella. I left her, and she died. I killed her. I didn't deserve to live. I vaguely felt Alice place her tiny arms around me, sobbing into me. Me sobbing with her.

"Don't you dare leave me too Edward, don't you dare. She asked you not to, she asked you not to Edward!" She yelled at me, shaking me to get a response. I could only stare. I wanted to die. My love, my perfect, innocent love was dead. Her blood was on my hands.

I killed her. I killed her. I killed her.