Disclaimer: If I owned CSI I would be writing this to mess with your head. I am writing this because there are not enough Riley fics out there.

AN: My take on Riley's issues with suicide. Femslash. Riley/OC

Some Riley/Catherine friendship, but not really.

Please review. Or don't. I don't really care.

Riley Adams looked at the girl hanging from the rope.

The girl had dark brown hair and brown eyes.

That wasn't what Riley saw. She saw a blonde with grey eyes.

She tilted her head slightly and took a picture.

Flash.

The brunette returned.

She looked like she was a pretty girl. Death did not suit her well at all.

But then again, death suited very few people well.

Marissa hanging from the rope. She looked pretty as she ever did. Even with the marks on her neck. The note looked beautiful. In her perfect handwriting. Her perfect poetic words.

Riley shook her head. No, she would not think about Marissa. That was a long time ago. Years. There was no need to bring up the past.

But there was something about this girl who reminded her of Marissa. She wasn't sure what. There was just something. She didn't look like Marissa at all. Marissa had blonde hair and grey eyes. Like Riley did. Riley's mom used to joke that the two were sisters.

Marissa had always laughed and then gagged when Riley's mom looked away.

"You don't fuck your sister" Marissa would whisper in Riley's ear.

Riley smiled at that.

"You ok, Riley?" asked Catherine.

Riley nodded and went back to work. No one at work knew anything about Marissa. Or much about Riley really.

"You're so fucking secretive, Ryles. How can you expect me to know this shit if you never tell me any thing? I need you to trust me, Ryles." snapped Marissa.

Riley nodded.

"Sorry, Riss, I trust you. I promise I'll tell you things from now on."

Riley closed her eyes for a second. That was back when her and Marissa were just best friends. Riley had told her more after that, just not everything. Like she hadn't told Marissa that she was in love with her. No that came later. That hadn't been on purpose.

"Why do you even fucking care, you bitch? You don't give a fuck about me. You said you were going to trust me. Why the fuck have you been avoiding me? Why do I feel like I'm losing my best friend?" screamed Marissa.

Riley swallowed and said nothing.

"And now you're ignoring me too. Sorry, Ryles. Sorry we were ever friends. You obviously don't want to me"

Marissa headed to the door. Riley stopped her by grabbing her arm.

"Stop, Marissa. I'm sorry. You want to know why I'm avoiding you? You want to know why I didn't answer you're question?"

Marissa nodded slightly.

Riley took a deep breath and gathered her courage.

"I didn't answer you're question because you didn't give me a chance to come up with a good answer that wouldn't make you leave. I was avoiding you because I couldn't stand to be in the same room with you without doing this."

Riley leaned forward and kissed her, hoping that Marissa wouldn't hate her.

Marissa kissed back.

Riley smiled slightly at that memory. Then she looked back at the body hanging there. Her mind flashed back to Marissa.

Riley felt the tears about to come to her eyes.

She walked out of the room without a look back at Catherine who was calling her name.

This was too much. She couldn't have Marissa flashing through her mind at work.

She blinked back the tears as she ran to the car, past Nick.

She took a deep breath as she leaned against the car.

The note was in her perfect writing.

Dear Riley,

I'm sorry. I just couldn't take this anymore. Mom and dad kicking me out. Danny's constant teasing. I really really don't want to do this to you, Ryles. I just have to. I know you're going to hate me for this. Please don't.

I love you, Ryles. I really do. I know I don't tell you much, but I do. I really do. I want to hold you in my arms and keep you forever, but I can't do that, Ryles.

I'm sorry.

I love you

Marissa

The tears ran down Riley's face. It wasn't the suicide not next to Marissa's body. It was one she had found under her pillow.

Right then she hated Marissa's parents because they couldn't deal with the fact that their perfect daughter liked girls. She hated Danny, Marissa's ex-boyfriend, because he couldn't deal with the fact that his dream girlfriend would never ever like him. She hated herself for not realizing this would happen.

She slammed her fist into the wall. She didn't care that it made her hand hurt like hell. She didn't care that it would probably scare her sister, Kylie.

She didn't care about anything other than the fact that her best friend, her girlfriend, her Marissa was dead. Gone.

She sank down on the floor and cried.

Catherine came running out of the house after her.

"Riley, what's wrong?"

Riley said nothing.

"You can't just go running out of a scene for no reason. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong is that that girl is an idiot. What's wrong is that people kill themselves. What's wrong is that this shouldn't happen. What's wrong is no one even notices in time to stop her. No one ever does."

Catherine looked at her cautiously as the tears poured down her face.

"It's ok." whispered Catherine.

"No, it's not. It's never ok when someone dies. Someone loved that girl. And that someone is hurting. And they'll never stop hurting. But it's their fault. They didn't even notice."

Catherine looked at her.

"Riley, who ever killed themselves, it's not your fault, okay?"

"But it is. It's my fault. I'm the only one who cared about her. I'm the only one who loved her. And I'm the reason she's dead. If I had never told her....she'd still be here. Her parents wouldn't have kicked her out."

Catherine guided Riley into the truck so the whole world didn't hear this. It wasn't something everyone needed to know.

"Who was she?" asked Catherine softly.

"Marissa. Marissa Goffe. My best friend. And my girlfriend. She was my life. Always was."

Catherine looked slightly surprised, but she hid it.

"Her parents couldn't take that their perfect angel like another girl. So they kicked her out. Didn't want her anymore. If I hadn't told her I loved her, she would never have gotten kicked out. She would never have died."

"You don't know that, Riley. It wasn't you fault."

"But, what if it was? I loved her, Cath, I still do. I never knew for sure that she loved me until she was dead. It was in her note. She only said it once before that."

Marissa rolled over in Riley's bed. Riley's parents let her stay with them. And they decided it was a good idea to let the girls share a room. And a bed.

"Ryles?" she whispered.

"Yeah?" came Riley's voice in the dark.

Marissa reached out a hand and pulled Riley closer.

"I love you, Ryles. I want you to know that."

Riley smiled.

"I love you too, Riss."

Marissa smiled. She kissed Riley softly.

"Ryles, I don't want you to ever forget that. Ever. No matter what happens, never forget that I love you."

"I won't" Riley promised.

Riley closed her eyes. That was one week before Marissa had.....

She must have been planning it then. There were signs, but Riley never noticed.

She really should have too. She'd know Marissa her whole life. They were neighbors, sort of. They had been best friends since they were four.

"I love you, Marissa" Riley whispered into the air that night as she went to sleep. "I'll always love you. And I know you loved me too. I just wish I could have done something so that you'd be here with me now"

A lone tear ran down her cheek.