Esme's Worst Nightmare

The house was oddly silent. Carlisle was at work, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett were out hunting and Alice had mysteriously vanished after a strange vision. I was alone in the house, listening to a classical piece on the radio and trying desperately not to think of my lost son.

Edward. If crying was possible, I would have been in floods of tears. I missed him more than I could have ever guessed. You never fully appreciate what you have until you no longer have it. That was exactly how I felt about Edward. I felt guilty for living with him for so many decades and never loving him enough. The last seven months had shown me how dead our family was without him; without that spark of life. Carlisle was right; Edward had something special about him, something good, something pure and he induced happiness in all of us without even trying. The family was incomplete when Edward wasn't here. We still watched our thoughts, an old habit, we still called his name in our heads and shared with him our private jokes. But Edward wasn't around to hear, to understand, to respond, to laugh with us, to joke with his brothers, to be a part of his family. I missed my son more and more with every devastating day that passed and I prayed for nothing else at night but to have him back.

Upon reflection, I had hardly heard from Edward. That wasn't, of course, something that I'd only just become aware of but it had only just dawned on me that Edward might not come back. One day, would all my children leave home? Emmett and Rosalie had their moments and often went away alone for a few years. Would that, could that ever become a permanent arrangement? Jasper was the least tied to this family and if he had the motives to leave, I was sure that he would consider it. I didn't think that Alice was likely to leave me but her life was strongly guided by her visions. If she saw something that urged her to keep her distance from us, would she? What would I do if all my children abandoned me? Abandoned was unfair, I scolded myself. Most of my 'children' were in fact adults in their own right and were at perfect liberty to venture into the world alone if they so wished. Jasper especially had been a vampire longer than I and I had no right or claim to restrain him, to keep him at home. My children could leave if they wanted to. A mother would never prevent the growth of her offspring. Even if they left, never to return to her.

That was my worst fear. When I worried, when Carlisle asked me what was wrong, in the back of my mind, one thing was always there. The fear that my family would leave me. Despite being vampires, I held it close to my heart that eternity did not always mean eternity. I had promised to love Carlisle for eternity and to that, I would always remain faithful. I would love each and every one of my children for the rest of forever but that did not necessarily mean that they would love me, or that I would see them every day. What-ifs tugged at my heartstrings and frightened me. I did not have the strength to lose my family. They were my most treasured possession. Everything that I held in my heart. None of our riches, none of my houses, none of my personal belongings could ever replace the love that I had for Carlisle, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Alice. Even Bella had started to work her way into my heart. I could imagine her at Edward's side forever, a daughter, a sister, a wife. She fit into the picture perfectly as if she'd been created solely for our family. I certainly couldn't imagine anyone more suited for Edward.

Except that was all over now. Edward had made his choice, a choice that killed me inside but still a choice that I understood. I loved him even more for it. And hated him for it. Not because I would miss Bella, even though I would, not because I would long to return to Forks, which I did, but because Edward's decision meant that I would never see him happy again. And for that, I hated what he'd done. Even though I knew why. I had always known that he was strong enough to survive with Bella and keep her alive along with their blossoming relationship but I had my doubts about one thing, another of my greatest worries. After all that had passed between them, could Edward survive without Bella? Eternity was a long time to spend in regret and depression. Edward was suffering more than anyone had ever suffered. I had never seen another human or vampire, mortal or immortal living with such great pain in my existence. It caused me more agony than the loss of my first child, my human child. Because when Edward lost Bella, I lost Edward. I lost my first son and I knew, deep in my heart, that he would never smile again. Edward would not be the same person that he had been before Bella and he would certainly never experience that level of love and adoration again. To watch him suffering tore my heart out. For the first few weeks after we'd left Forks, Edward did stay with us. Every moment of those days murdered and tortured me. Edward would sit upstairs, his face in his hands, refusing to talk to anyone, not allowing anyone to see him, to speak to him. He blocked our thoughts best he could and he went into seclusion. Edward was in a place where I could not reach him. I was utterly useless. So we let him go. He could not stand being around us, could not bear to live with a family who held so many reminders of happier days. He left us seven long, hard months ago and nothing has been the same for me since.

It may sound as if I doted upon my first son over all of my other children but I never consciously loved Edward anymore than the others. It may sound then, slightly contradictory to say that I could not have been as hurt if any of my remaining family walked away. Nothing could ever hurt me as much as the loss of my Edward. With the possible exception of losing Carlisle, the absence of any other presence in my life could not result in this much agony and misery. When my Edward left home, it was the worst that I had ever felt, in my decades of life, both human and vampire. I was helpless; there was not a thing that I could have done to comfort him. I could not take my son in my arms and soothe him as he cried. His grief was wordless, expressionless, absent of everything. Edward was empty, he was alone, his face was permanently wreathed in sorrow, so much anguish that it ripped me apart. I hated him for causing my son so much distress and I loved him more than ever for being the one in pain.

Edward visited occasionally over the months. His condition only grew worse with each meeting. Every time that I saw him, I wondered how he could seem any more despondent and depressed than his previous visit yet somehow, he did. Always. Carlisle and I worried more than anyone but there were fears and heartaches that I couldn't even share with Carlisle. Not even with my soulmate. To say them out loud would have caused me far too much sadness. The most terrifying of which was that Edward would never recover. In my heart, I knew that he never would.

I had asked him, about a week after we had left Forks, on one of the rare occasions that he had left his room.

"Edward?" I had called him out loud, in the fear that he was not listening to my frantic thoughts. The atmosphere in the house was horrible for those few weeks. It was a new home, no one felt comfortable, nobody wanted to talk or laugh or joke or hunt...we were the living dead. Jasper's talents couldn't even cut the tension, would not affect the morose mood that had settled. Edward never responded to what he may or may not have heard in his mind so I had no idea if he was even listening anymore.

Edward had not replied to me verbally but had lifted his head slightly. It obviously took a great effort and I did appreciate it. His eyes were the sight that caused my heart to crumble. Jet black, agony stretching all the way to his soul. They were so deep and usually full of initiative, interest, emotion, life. But no, Edward's eyes were endless, the view into a deep grave, bottomless misery to last forever. It was at that point that the last hope left me. Without Bella, he would never regain life and he was so determined never to return to her. At his movement, I moved to sit beside him on the brand new leather sofa, Emmett's request. The black did nothing for me; there was too much dark in our home at present to want anything else colourless. Bright yellow, although difficult to match, would have been my choice. I welcomed the introduction of light, of any light.

"Edward," I asked him, this time in my head. He nodded, very slowly, his eyes closing. I took his hand in both of mine.

"I so hate seeing you like this." I whispered, out loud but only just.

"Is there nothing anyone can do?" I mused silently. If there was anything that I could do, I would have done anything. Edward shook his head, again slowly. A human might have missed the motion, it was so slight. The truth of his answer sent daggers spearing into my chest.

"Will he go back? Ever?" I wondered. It was only meant to be for myself but Edward heard and thought that the question was meant for him. My entire being sank into despair when my son opened his mouth to answer me. Just the fact that he spoke the reply was evidence enough of his certainty.

"No."

Edward's voice was blank and dead. It had not been used since we had left Forks and despite his tone, all of his agony and suffering was portrayed in that one word. Had I been able to burst into tears, I would have been unable to restrain my emotions. As it was, Edward's head bowed down once more and his entire form began to shake. In desperation, I pulled my son into my arms as he was overcome by his desolation. I stayed in that position all night while Edward broke down, unable to regain any kind of composure. When our family tentatively crept in, over twelve hours later, none of them had the strength to stay, besides Carlisle who sat down the other side of Edward and like me, tried in vain to comfort our son.

The present brought me back with a jolt as the phone rang out. I answered immediately, praying that it would be one of my family in particular. I had grown used to the disappointment over the last seven months so when I heard Alice's voice, my heart hardly sank at all. Still, it sank enough.

"Alice?" My voice was worried, I could hear it. "Where are you, darling?" There was a lot of noise at Alice's end of the phone.

"I'm safe. Everyone is. That's all I can say." Alice sounded oddly distant, as if she were occupied. Not her too, I moaned in my head. Please don't take another of my babies away...

"Alice, what happened? I've been so anxious." Understatement of the century. Being alone and scared for your loved ones does awful things to your thoughts. Alice paused before answering carefully.

"I'm sorry Esme. I had a vision- but it's not at all what I thought. Just do me one favour, please?"

"Of course, dear." Was it just my mind running wild again or did Alice sound slightly anxious herself.

"If...Edward calls, for any reason, tell him that I'm hunting. If he needs to talk to me, tell him to call me on my mobile." There was an increasing desperation in her tone. I listened very carefully and flinched at the mention of Edward's name.

"Is there any specific reason that he might telephone, Alice?" I was burning for a reply. Any contact from Edward would have thawed my frozen heart, very slightly. It had been nothing, for three months. His visits were growing further apart and I dreaded the day that they ceased entirely.

"None at all." Alice told me, breezily. "Just something that I saw. You know how he can be." Alice trailed off, as if she'd said too much. I jumped on her last words.

"How he can be? Alice, what…?" She cut in over me.

"I've got to go, Esme. I'll explain everything later. Bye!"

"Alice, wait!" I screamed down the phone, in a complete panic. I couldn't let another of my family slip away. Not now.

"Esme, I swear, everything is fine. I was just a little confused. I'll be home soon. I love you."

"Alice!" I cried out. "If Edward phones…"

The line had cut off. I left the phone deliberately close to the sofa and settled into the cushions again, ignoring the television and its background chatter. Alice had left me, unintentionally I was sure, in a worse state than I had previously been. Was Edward really going to phone home? Had he started to heal? I began to hope, much more than was sensible. It was highly unlikely that my lost son would ever ring again. Not after all that had happened. Carlisle and I were the only ones who saw him now. Even then, the conversation was limited and mostly one-way. He didn't have the energy to respond.

I let my eyes drift over to the piano in the corner, covered in dust. Since Edward's departure, no one had played it, as if it were a relic, an antique monument to the one that we had lost. I recalled, although I had tried to forget, the last time that anyone had played that instrument.

The night before Bella's birthday. Edward sat at the piano with Alice, composing sections of new music, editing old pieces and most memorably of all, recording a CD for Bella's birthday present. Edward ran through all her favourites, all of his most beautiful compositions and Alice recorded them on her laptop, a twinkle in their eyes as they anticipated and imagined the fuss that Bella would make over her gifts. On the sofa, I laughed along with them. That was the last night that I saw that sparkle in Edward's eyes. The final piece that Edward played was the lullaby that he had composed for Bella. When Alice had finished recording, he closed the piano lid and gone out to the garage, still happy, full of joy.

Since that last replaying of the lullaby, the piano had not been opened.

Sharp and shrill, the phone rang out. I pounced upon it, in a way that I had never even leapt whilst hunting, to answer before the first ring had even died out.

"Hello?" I breathed, praying, praying, praying…

"Esme?"