Letter Sex Chapter Five: The Cat Wasn't So Much Out Of The Bag As It Was Thrown.

To my readers,

Here it is, the second to last Chapter of Letter Sex! This is very important to me because this will be the first multi-chapter fiction that I have ever completed in my very short amateur writing career, all the others have died because I either became too busy or I just ran out of story. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, your comments have been very helpful as well as a source of motivation for writing this story. I worked really hard to make sure that it was up to standards and I hope you all enjoy!

With that said, I apologize whole-heartedly for the long wait! As you can see, if you've checked the KKM archive today, I have written a very long and not funny fic called The Haunting of Yuuri Shibuya. If you like ghosts and need something better to do, please check it out, it's very different from what I've written before.

Note: I am not sure as to Greta's actual age, but for comedic purposes, she's about 7 in this fic.

Anyhoo, on with the fic!

Disclaimer: I do not own this wonderful anime

Warnings: Language, sexuality and violence (Wolfram on Yuuri, our favorite!)

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"Greta!" Yuuri spoke in his sternest father voice. "What did I tell you this morning?"

Greta reluctantly removed her hand from between her spread-eagled legs. "But, Daddy Yuuri!" She whined. "It itches! I can't take it!"

Yuuri sighed. "I know, sweetie." He said. "But remember what Gisela said; if you keep scratching it will only make it worse."

"Did you write Papa Wolf and tell him to bring the ointment?"

"Um…" Yuuri reached into the farthest corner of his memory. Did he? He was sure he wrote something to Wolfram a week ago, but did he remember to send it? However, he didn't want Greta to fret. "Ah sure, baby. I sent it ah….a week ago. He should be getting home today and I know he wouldn't forget something like that. You will be rash free in no time."

Greta huffed impatiently as she slid from her spot on Yuuri's lap and moved to sit on the examining table in the castle infirmary. Her little legs swung back and forth to emphasize Greta's growing impatience as they waited for Gisela to finish up her business and come into the examining room.

Yuuri watched his adopted daughter fidget uncomfortably. Greta's rash was exactly as he had feared; it was on her nether region and had spread to her inner thighs. It was by far the reddest angriest, most malicious rash he had ever seen or heard of. And he, as Greta's father, had the unfortunate duty of making sure his daughter took proper care of the rash. They had tried everything: herbal remedies, alcohol, distilled vinegar, even magic, but only one thing would work and it could only be found in the village that had the statue of Yuuri in pumpkin pants. The village that was along the way towards Shin Makoku that Wolfram's patrol unit would take to get home.

Yuuri truly hoped he had remembered to send some sort of note to Wolfram.

Yuuri and Greta both looked up when the wooden door swung open and revealed the Royal Healer Gisela. Looking crisp and sophisticated in her white uniform, she gave the two a gentle smile "Your Majesty, Princess Greta." She picked up a wooden clipboard and quickly scanned over Greta's health chart.

"Alright." She said. "What seems to be the problem?"

Yuuri opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a high pitched whine from Greta. "My pachinko is red and itchy and I want you to make it stop!"

"Manners, Greta!" Yuuri scolded softly. "Um, Gisela. We hate to barge in on you like this-"

"It's no trouble at all your majesty. I work for you." Gisela interjected.

"Right. We've tried everything you told us too, even the vinegar baths-"

"They made me stinky-the other kids called me Pickle Pussy and then they wouldn't play with me!" Greta complained.

"Hush, Daddy's talking now! We really don't know what to do anymore. It's gotten way worse, I'm worried she'll get an infection or something." Yuuri was a pillar of parental worry and exasperation.

Experienced with such parental tendencies, Gisela gave her best reassuring smile. "I'm sure it's nothing we can't fix! Did you get that cream I asked you to?"

Yuuri looked off to the side. "Uh, yeah, I think I wrote Wolfram a note a week ago asking him to send some back or whatever."

"Did he get it?"

Yuuri stared at the ceiling briefly. "Uhhh…I really don't know. He hasn't gotten back to me yet. I at least would think that he would write me back, telling me he was on his way." Yuuri chuckled half-heartedly. "He worries about Greta's health more than I do sometimes. He'd probably have every doctor and herbalist in Shin Makoku down here creating new remedies for Greta, while calling me an incompetent wimp. I'm pretty sure he'll have it with him when he gets back."

"When does he get back? – Pull your knees apart and lift your hem for me darling." Gisela washed her hands in the little washing bowl beside the examining table and moved the crouch between Greta's knees.

"Today, the weather's good, so he should be here around three maybe?"

"Hmmmm, that is good." Gisela said pleasantly. She carefully pushed the hem of Greta's gown upwards a bit more.

"Ah.." Yuuri said unsurely. "It's a bit ugly and swollen."

"No worries, your Majesty. I've seen these kinds of things thousands of ti- GREAT SHINOU!!!" the normally calm healer started back from her position nearly losing her balance.

Panic setting in, Yuuri jumped up from his seat and rushed over to Gisela's side. "What!? What's wrong with her- OH MY GOD! What did I tell you about scratching, young lady!?!?"

Embarrassed and guilty, Greta quickly covered her red grotesquely irritated skin with her hands and shut her knees together. "I-I couldn't help it! It was itching so bad and I figured a little scratch wouldn't hurt and it kept itching and-and I'm sorry!"

The color drained from the young father's face. "Please, please tell me those aren't scales!"

"It's her skin, your Majesty. I….I think she may have the Brussells, your Majesty." Gisela said breathlessly. "This is one of the worst cases I have ever seen!"

"What should we do?!" Yuuri said. "It's way worse than it was this morning! And it's spread even more! " At that sudden realization, Yuuri's went wide as dinner plates. "What if it covers her whole body?"

"The only thing to do." Gisela quickly reigned in her composure. "Is to get that cream you used last time she had an outbreak and lots of it! I pray that Lord von Bielefeld got your note!"

"What should I do in the meantime?"

"Ice, keep the area dry and clean. Do. Not. Scratch. If she cannot control her impulses you may have to fasten mitts to her hands so she can't!"

Yuuri nodded determinedly. "Ok, got it. You here that, Greta? If you can't stop scratching, I will tie your hands up in mitts and you won't be able to draw like Wolfram. Understand?" He tried his best to look stern as he helped his daughter dress and get down from the table.

"Okay, Daddy…" Greta mumbled forlornly. Already her hands were aching to rub the affected area into oblivion.

"No, Greta." Yuuri warned when he saw her tiny hands drift towards her crotch. Really, if he didn't watch her like a hawk, she would scratch until she peeled her skin off and then he would have to deal with that mess.

"I'm so sorry, princess." Gisela cooed. "Your daddies will get you better, we promise."

All Greta could do was make a soft whine, wrap her arms around Yuuri's waist and bury her face in his abdomen.

"Thanks again, Gisela, for your help, we really appreciate it." Yuuri said. He tried to make his way toward the door, but Greta's grip made the journey awkward.

"Greta, Daddy needs to walk, okay?" Yuuri tried to reach around his pouting daughter to grip the doorknob.

"No!" He felt the vibrations of Greta's defiance against his stomach.

"Oh, fine." He managed to get the door open and scooted out into the hall.

"If she gets worse, please don't hesitate to summon me, you Majesty!" Gisela called after them pleasantly.

"Yeah, definitely-Greta! Let Daddy walk!" Yuuri called back. He ungracefully made his way back to his study to do work with a daughter who protests in the form of death grips attached permanently to his hips.

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Father and daughter made their way down the halls of blood Pledge Castle, both very preoccupied with their own issues. Yuuri was filled with self-doubt and really, really beginning to believe that he did not send that note to Wolfram and cringed at the possibility of having the send the hot-headed blonde back out just when he got back. From experience and his own observations, Yuuri knew that it didn't matter how uneventful or quiet Wolfram's patrols were, the blonde always, always came back in a very testy mood.

Greta kept her arms wrapped tightly around her father, not because she felt any particular attachment to him (though she loved him dearly), it was simply to keep her hands busy and keep them from making a bee-line for her pachinko that was torturing her with a tiny voice. 'Scratch me, stupid! You know you want to!'

The young princess gave a tiny moan and buried her face further into the soft warmth of her adopted father.

Yuuri grunted when his daughter's strong arms squeezed him harder and made walking even more difficult. They made quite a sight from behind. It looked as if the king had sprouted a second head on his hip and two extra legs. "Greta, let go now. I can't walk with you hugging me the whole time."

"Nuh-huh!"

"Greta.." Yuuri sighed. He looked up when he heard a group of children playing outside. He and Greta had taken one of the halls that ran along the courtyard. Yuuri could see the gardens through the arched windows and the group of servants' children playing ball among the trees.

"Look, Greta!" Yuuri peeled the child off him and forced her to turn around. "It's your friends! Why don't you go play while I finish my work? Then we can go wait for Wolfram, okay?"

Greta crinkled her nose at the laughing children, especially the biggest one, Wikus van der Merwe. Her sworn enemy as of yesterday. These were the same jerks who gave her that obnoxious nick-name. "No." she stated flatly.

"Greta." Yuuri's voice became serious. "I have to work. Wolfram and I can't play with you this evening if I don't finish my work. You know that don't you?"

Greta looked down dejectedly. "Yeah." She shuffled her feet forlornly.

"Yes, you do." Yuuri smiled at his little girl and gently pushed her towards the other children. "Now go play! I'll send on of the maids to fetch you when Wolf gets here. M'kay?"

"Okaaaaay…"

"Great!" Yuuri gave a quick peck on Greta's forehead. "Be nice and I'll see you later."

Without another word, Yuuri walked off down the hall to get back to work before Gwendal or Gunter came after his hide.

Greta continued pouting as she watched Yuuri's retreating back. She reluctantly turned around to regard the group of children who having become aware of her presence all stopped and stared back.

The de facto leader cocked his head to the side mockingly and gave a rude smirk. "Well, if it isn't Pickle Pussy. Did you bring the vinegar?"

Greta gave a glare that was eerily similar to her blonde father. "Say one more word Dickus and I'll plow your face like a cornfield."

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"Your Excellency! Slow down!"

"Lord Bielefeld, please! Your horse can't take it!"

"We've been galloping since morning! Let us rest for a minute!"

"Shut up, you pussies!" Wolfram screamed as he urged his horse ever faster down the bumpy terrain. The animal beneath him heaved and wheezed as its master pushed him to the limit of his endurance. The poor horse was very close to collapsing and had a half mind to just stop and rest regardless of what his blonde rider wanted. But after years of service in the military as the steed of Wolfram von Bielefeld, the horse knew better than to do anything other than exactly what his master wanted, especially when said master was out for blood.

'I'm too old for this! My heart can't take it!' the beast panted, trying not to falter when he felt a cramp coming on. 'What made me think it was a good idea to eat that extra helping of oats? Silly me thinking we were going to ride home, when we're so obviously going to run like bats out of hell, 'cause that totally makes sense!'

"Run, damn it!" Wolfram shouted, giving his steed a vicious kick to the sides. Now before you make any foul calls, Wolfram's horse was indeed under the impression that his name was in fact Dammit. Ever since he had become Wolfram's horse when the young demon was given the position of Captain, Dammit was rarely referred to by anything other than Dammit, which was Wolfram's favorite swear word. The horse by his understanding, shared the name with several, if not all of Wolfram's subordinates.

The horse snarled. 'Kick me one more time, jackass and we'll see where that pretty head of yours ends up.'

Wolfram didn't seem to notice or really care what his horse thought. He was too busy imagining what he was going to do when he got his hands on his cheater of a fiancé. He could not believe that his fiancé, who had pledged eternal love and devotion to him under a tree in the garden before Wolfram offered his virginity to the young king, would write an obscene letter to his retarded cousin!

"I am not retarded!"

Apparently he had said that out loud. Not that he cared.

"Yes you are! Now be quiet!"

All the king's horses and all the king's men breathed a sigh of relief when the towers of Blood Pledge loomed over the horizon. In just a few minutes, they would be home, where they could conveniently excuse themselves and get out of Wolfram's warpath into the safety of the barracks.

They hadn't even finished entering the gates before Wolfram swung himself, not bothering to completely stop his steed, onto the ground. Like a rabid dog that smelled blood, Wolfram stalked towards the huge entrance door to the palace.

Standing at the top of the stairs, completely oblivious to the ensuing danger that drew ever closer to him, Yuuri stood with a sweet smile to greet his fiancé. He was flanked by his godfather Conrad and his disgruntled Great Sage Murata, who sported several odd scratches and refused to tell were they came from.

Yuuri's smile faltered slightly when he noticed the murderous look in Wolfram's eyes and the fast, deliberate way he ascended the stone stairs.

'He's probably upset about me letting Greta's rash get so bad' he thought.

"Wolfram! I'm so glad to see-" Yuuri didn't get to finish his sentence when Wolfram made the last two steps of the stairs and in one fluid motion punched him hard in the chin.

Yuuri was a mass of flailing limbs as he stumbled backward as Conrad and Murata looked on in shocked silence. The double black didn't have time to collect himself when he was bodily hauled to his feet by an irate demon prince screaming in his face.

"You disgusting, horrid, bastard!" Wolfram shrieked, little bits of spittle flying into Yuuri's eyes, which made him blink a lot. "How could you do this to me?! With my cousin! How long did you think you could get away with this before I found out?!"

"Wolfram!" Yuuri choked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't you dare play dumb with me!" Wolfram shook Yuuri hard. "I know all about your treachery. That thing-" He jerked his head towards Kevin, who was standing in the courtyard, still holding his horses' reigns, looking like he desperately wanted to disappear.

"Who's that?" Yuuri asked confusedly. "I've never seen him before."

"You idiot!" Wolfram screeched. "That's my cousin! The one you've been writing those pornographic letters to! Don't act like you don't know!"

"Wolfram, please put me down!" Yuuri begged. "You're squeezing too hard!"

"Like hell, I will!" Wolfram's grip only tightened more. "You liar! All this time I thought you loved me, but really you were just trying to get to my cousin, weren't you? You've made me a complete laughingstock and I-" Wolfram choked back a sob, suddenly overcome by his heartbreak. "Y-you heartless bastard! I should have listened to my uncle and left you! I'll never forgive you for this!"

Wolfram carelessly dropped his fiancé, who landed with an 'oof!' and ran past the flabbergasted onlookers. "I hate you!"

More confused than he had been in his entire life, Yuuri just looked at his fiancé's retreating back.

"What the hell just happened!?!?" Yuuri hauled himself to his feet and ran after his lover. "Wolfram! Wait! I'm so confused! Conrad!"

"Coming your Majesty!" Conrad, still in shock, followed his king into the castle leaving a mentally reeling Murata standing at the top of the stairs.

The Sage could only stare abashed into the distance as his mind whirled around trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

If Wolfram received those letters then why did he…?

It couldn't have NOT been Wolfram! The handwriting was identical!

The literary prowess was the same!

He signed the letters with Honey-chan!

It even smelled like him!

What the hell had he been jacking off to for the past three weeks!?!?

Was he wearing his old glasses or the new ones? Cause there was a haze around everything he looked at and…

Who was he writing to?!?!?!?

Murata could hear the gears in his own head grinding and creaking as his brain struggled through the perverseness and attempted to clarify what had just transpired. After a few minutes he heard a ding, and his brain promptly popped up a screen on his eyes and scrolled down the list of information and calculations.

ATTN: The letters were not from Wolfram

They were frauds

You've been writing disgusting letters to a stranger

You shouldn't have been writing letter porn to your best friend's fiancé

Anyway

You are a sick lonely bastard who needs a girlfriend and a life

Watcha gonna do now, Oh Great Smartass?

Oh god………

"Ahhh…"

He was pulled out of his turmoil by a raspy voice from below him. He looked down to see what looked like a punk rock version of Wolfram.

The resemblance was uncanny to the point of downright creepy. Still standing at the bottom of the stairs, hand still holding the reigns of his horse, was the blonde person Murata had just barely noticed when Wolfram came storming in and punched Shibuya.

He was tall and skinnier than Bielefeld believe it or not, and dressed in what Murata could only guess was a heavily modified version of the Fire Division's uniform. It exposed his flat stomach and the low rise pants accented his hips, which were curvy for someone so thin. He had dark blonde hair that bore pink and purple streaks, his skin was slightly more tan than the demon prince. His mouth was pulled back into a small grimace while he regarded the Sage, who was now the sole occupant of the landing.

"Ah, hey…" The blonde began again. "Ya know what's going on? Cause I don't" He gave a helpless half chuckle. "What? Is Wolfram going to lose his head cause his boyfriend wrote him love letters?" The blonde rolled his eyes. "He's such a drama queen."

"Ehhh…" Murata said rather intelligently.

The Blonde continued smiling as he finally motioned for one of the stable hands over and handed his reigns to the boy before swaggering his way up the stairs to stand directly in front of the sage. Clearly unaware of whom he was talking to.

"I'll bet you, my salary that he is in his room, crying like he ain't got sense and threatening to leave for Bielefeld and never return." The blonde's eyes twinkled mischievously.

It was in his close proximity to the blonde that Murata was able to see the physical difference between this soldier and Lord Bielefeld. For one, the blonde's eyes were a icy green color, not forest green, and his facial feature were slightly sharper, indicating that he was older than the demon prince. His eyes were also slightly slanted and cat-like, not wide and dollish like Bielefeld's. And held an air of trouble.

For the first time in his life, Murata had found someone who looked more like Shinou than the first king's own direct descendant and great-great-grandson , Wolfram von Bielefeld.

"Seriously." He continued, looking from Murata to down the hall in which Shibuya had chased his fiancé. "Some days, I think we need to check him for a vagina. I ain't lying." He gave a toothy smirk.

Definitely more like Shinou than Bielefeld.

The blonde soldier gave a heavy sigh and casually walked into the entrance of the castle. "Well, guess I've done enough damage for one day. I'ma grab a bite from the kitchens." He turned around and looked back at the flabbergasted Sage. "By the way, my name's Kevin and I'm Wolfram's wayward, lost-cause cousin. Nice to meet you!"

"Same here..." Murata was trying hard not to be distracted by the swaying of…Kevin's hips as he started walking away again.

"Oh he can speak!" Kevin exclaimed.

Murata stared at Kevin. He just couldn't believe it. "Are you seriously Wolfram's cousin?" They were so different!

Kevin looked up in thought, placing his finger daintily on his chin. "Yep. Let me put it this way." He looked back at Murata. "I'm his you. If what I've heard about you and the king is true, Your Eminence."

Without another word, Kevin twirled on his heel and disappeared into the castle.

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Well, there you go, the obligatory set-up chapter for the end. I apologize of this wasn't as funny as the others. Certainly not as dirty.

I wanted to write a funny parent scene between Yuuri and Greta. I feel like fan fiction doesn't give these two enough scenes together. They are so cute together. Wolfram's not the only father you know! Yuuri as a father is the most ignored and underwritten role in fan fiction. When they DO write about it, it's usually to portray Yuuri negatively in some way, which is dumb because an 8 year old girl is not going to give usable relationship advice and I personally think it's inappropriate for adults to involve children in their romantic endeavors. It's sad because there is a lot of potential in the relationship between those two.

I'm going to start working on the last chapter. I finally have an idea of how I want to end it. It will end on a fluffy note.

Well, thank you all who have reviewed and given your input. Please take the time to read my other stories. I worked really hard on them!

See the review button? CLICK IT!!!!

Love you guys - EB