Letter Sex

Summary: While dying of boredom signing papers, Yuuri writes a salacious note to his absent fiancé as a joke. Warnings: Explicit sexual descriptions and swearing. Bad Conrart-like attempts at humor. there's one now!

Pairing: Yuuram/Wolfyuu cause theirs is a relationship of equals

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kyou Kara Maou or it's affiliations. If I did they would have to stop marketing it towards grade school crowd.

Second warning; You must understand that my sense of humor is very sarcastic. Many narrative phrases mean the exact opposite of what is written. I'll try to make it easier for you to understand. But a virtual cookie goes to the first reader to find the sarcastic phrases!

Third warning: Not beta read.

"speech"

'thought'

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Letter Sex

Yuuri was bored. Bored bored, beyond bored. Bored with a side of disinterest. So bored that if boredom were an Olympic sport. He'd be a certain swimmer who won 8 gold medals in the 2008 Olympics. He was that bored. Why? Because after the coming of his sixteenth birthday, Yuuri made a promise that he would be a more responsible maou and take over most of the day-to-day responsibilities previously left in the care of his Chief of state, aka Gwendal. Maturing from fifteen to sixteen didn't magically change Yuuri's attitude toward paperwork like he thought it should. Instead, it got worse. Yuuri was not the paper pushing type. He was a get up and get the hell out there type. He needed to use all five senses in order for something to stick to his hyperactive brain and make a difference. He needed to do things! Not write them!

However, Yuuri could not get out of this one. After discovering that Gwendal hadn't had a real vacation in more years than Yuuri's father was old, the kind hearted king issued an order that Gwendal was to go on one of his mother's cruises and spend two weeks of doing absolutely nothing. Or be accused of treason for disobeying a direct order. Yuuri began to regret this order when the nano second Gwendal was dragged onto the ship did he realize just how much crap Gwendal had to deal with everyday, this included being a test subject for one of Anissina's experiments. Luckily, Gunter was more than happy to fill that space, and Yuuri would forever admire him for it.

What added to Yuuri's plight was the absence of his fiancé, the ever over-worshipped Wolfram von Bielefeld. The mazoku prince was on yet another patrol for at least another two weeks. While it gave Yuuri the bed all to himself, it also meant life was that much more boring. Although he had Greta to play with and dote on, it wasn't the same without Wolfram's presence.

Yuuri stared blankly at the equally blank piece of paper on his desk. A few months ago, Caloria had suffered a terrible hurricane that damaged the seaside towns and hindered the extensive repairs that the town needed after the war with Soushou. Lady Flynn had sent a formal request for an extended grace period on the loans Caloria had taken from Shin Makoku. Of course, Yuuri would grant the request, he just had to write a formal response without the help of Gwendal or Gunter (who was away on business in the Christ territory). Yuri's pen touched the parchment and it stood there for five minutes doing nothing. Yuri sighed again, how silly of him to think that the pen would magically write an entire letter?

Stupid pen.

Yuri's thoughts wandered and eventually ended up on the subject of his fiancé. It had been almost a year since they met and a year since they got engaged. At first Yuri was totally against the idea of boys marrying each other. But as time went by, Shin Makoku's customs and beliefs wore on him. He realized that falling in love with some one of the same gender didn't change who you were as a person. He realized that when Yozak and Conrad announced their own engagement. His feelings towards his godfather and the spy didn't change at all. He was only happy that Conrad had found the happiness that he deserved. It made it much easier to come to terms with his own feelings towards Wolfram. Wolfram was everything to Yuri now. He would not have gotten as far without the blonde's help as he did. Their love was a deep spiritual bond that couldn't be undone no matter what.

It got even better when they consummated said love. Yuri thoughts ran straight into the gutter as he remembered their first time. Kind of, Wolfram had made it to second base in the past, then he was caught by Gwendal and his boyfriend at the time was promptly executed. Thank you, Gwendal. Unnecessary drama quickly eliminated.

Yuri broke out of his musings when he felt his pen move. His telepathic ability actually worked! But then he noticed what the pen wrote. "Wolfram". On his expensive official document paper! Yuri blinked and got a wickedly wonderful thought. The perfect way to alleviate his boredom! He chuckled as he wrote down every thought about his fiancé that came to his mind.

"Wolfram"

Do you know how sexy you are? I just thought you needed to know that. I miss you so much baby it hurts. Especially at night, in bed. I lay there thinking about you and it makes me hard just thinking about all the wonderful things we do in there. I think about your blue uniform and how I'd like to slowly peel it off you one piece at a time. I love to tease you, baby. I love to brush across your hot skin with my nails as I kiss you. It feels so good when you bite my lip to tell me you want more. But I won't. We both know that's no fun, ne? I love the sounds you make when I suck on that special spot on your pale throat as I play with your nipples. Oh, I can just imagine the feel of one of those pink buds in my mouth.

It was at this point Yuri started to pant. His pen scribbled furiously across the paper as his imagination ran away at full speed. The dirtier, the better. Sweat dribbled down his temple and a certain lump formed between his legs.

Can you imagine it, Wolfram? My tongue laving around your tit, my teeth grazing the delicate skin? Your plump ass in my hand, hot and soft like a baby's, that pink hole twitching as my finger stretches it to fit my hard cock. You love it when I do that, don't you? Yes, you do. I can see it as your eyes glaze over and that adorable little mouth drools onto your cute little chin.

Just you wait, when you get home I'm going to fuck you senseless. I'm going to throw you down on the nearest surface and tear your clothes to shreds. I'm going to kiss you so hard you won't be able to think. We're gonna break every piece of god damn furniture in this castle. So, hurry up, babe. My sword misses its sheath.

Oh yeah, and Greta broke out in a rash again. I think it's on her hoo-ha this time, since she won't stop scratching there. So can you pick up that herb cream in that southern village with the statue of me in pumpkin pants in the town center on your way back?

Who's your big daddy?

Shibuya Yuuri, that's who.

His pen finally slowed and stopped. Yuuri leaned back to examine his handiwork.

"Dear god, did I write that?" He laughed inwardly. "Wolf would kill me if I actually sent him that!"

Once he got that out of his system, he found that he could now write that letter to Caloria- wait, looks like someone decided to pay Yuuri a 'visit'. Oops…..gotta get that.

Fifteen minutes later.

After he got rid of that little problem, his pen went right to work and Yuuri was amazed at how easily the words came to him now. 'Maybe my hormones were blocking my thinking.'

Once he finished, he placed his trusty pen in its holder and got up to eat lunch. In his moment of renewed inspiration, he didn't put all his papers away, leaving a disorganized pile on the table.

As he walked down the hallway whistling a tune, he noticed his best friend Murata turning the corner and walking towards him.

Murata waved at Yuuri's approaching form. "Hey, Shibuya! I was just coming to check on you. It seems like Gunter will be out of commission for the rest of the week."

"Thanks, but I got it under control."

"You sure? Okay, I'm about to mail a letter to Yozak-"

"Why?"

"Cause I want to."

"Okay….."

"Do you need me to mail anything?"

Yuuri remembered his letter. "Um, yeah. I finished that reply to Caloria. It's all set and ready if you could mail it out for me that would be great."

"Okay, Shibuya. Consider it done."

"Thanks." Then Yuuri continued on his way to lunch.

Murata walked casually into Yuuri's luxurious office and quickly spotted the Caloria letter among the scattered papers.

'Seriously, how does he find anything in here?' with a sigh Murata picked up the letter. As he lifted the parchment, his spectacled eyes fell on a short one page note not written in the formal etiquette of state correspondence.

Always one for delving into other people's business, the sage dropped the important letter to the floor and snatched up the note.

'Wolfram?' Murata skimmed the letter, then paused and read every obscene word carefully. Murata's face turned bright red, not from embarrassment, but from trying to hold back the raucous laughter that demanded to escape from his trembling lips.

'That man…..can not…talk dirty!" Murata's attempts to hold in his joy were beginning to cause pain. He finally gave up and let out a huge guffaw over his friend's dorky attempts at being sexy. As he wiped away tears an idea came to mind.

A terrible idea,.

A terrible, wicked, idea.

A terrible wicked, hilarious, idea.

A terrible, wicked, hilarious, idea that would probably cost him his friendship with the demon king. The evil seeped through Murata's Cheshire grin as he tenderly folded the paper neatly and almost affectionately rolled it into a little scroll to go on the leg of the nearest ready messenger pigeon. In all honesty, Murata had suffered from boredom as much as Yuuri had. He was just going to send a chatty letter to Yozak with a funny picture he found on earth. But this was so much better!

As he carried out his treachery, his mind cackled gleefully and gloatingly. 'I'm in sooo much trouble! I can't wait!'

Ten minutes later.

The sadistic sage lifted the bird into the air with all the flourish of a Hollywood movie.

'Fly precious dove! Bring me some entertainment! Show me your vitality and dedication! Fly, great one!' He watched the dove disappear into the afternoon horizon. The letter would reach the border by tomorrow morning. In that time Murata would head back to the Shinou Temple with some popcorn and chocolate, have Ulrike pull up the ensuing scene in her globe thingy or as he liked to call it 'The Yuuri Channel.' And enjoy the show.

Fin.

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I will be totally honest with you right now. I have never in my life written a sex scene or talked dirty to any body. I don't even remember how I got the idea for this story. So I just went for it blind. I won't even try to be sexy at all, cause I'm not like that. I have no skill whatsoever at flirting, seduction, groping, raping etc. Yuuri's letter was written exactly how it would have been had I written one to my boyfriend. Which I don't have right now, as you could probably figure.

Even then, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm thinking about doing a second chapter and making this a two shot. Whine But writing that letter was hard! How can I do a full blown sex scene?! Oh well, to the yaoi collection for some research!!!! For those of you experienced with writing sex scenes I would love some tips before I get started, like how to make it sexy without being gross.

Please review. I'm always looking for ways to improve or hear how awesome I am!

Ciao! ElisiansBane