Thanks for reviewing, I like knowing what people think about it, it´s not like I´m writing this only for myself anyway. Mostly for the fellow Merchant-fans. Gheh.
I'm sorry for taking so damn long to update. I was busy doing important things like baking cookies and posting in cults at Vampirefreaks. Thanks Kira for reminding me!

Inspired by: Great weather really... And eh... People keep asking who the woman is. And a review!
Disclaimer: I do not own Mr. Merchant. I own Pickwick though, or at least its name. God, I don't even own Pickwick, it's a tea-brand. Lmao.
Dedicated to: Sorryll. Because she still hasn't killed me despite the fact I'm always, always, always fangirling. *Fangirls* :D

NOTE: Pickwick is merchant's plaga. I wasn't sure whether you remember or not.

Enjoy please.

'Ello there, strangah! How have you been doing? Oh no, please don't tell me, I need to concentrate on writing this. Tell me after I'm done here, we can talk all ya want then, ehehehe.

Listen up, strangah, you keep asking me too many questions. ´Who is the woman?', 'Can I have a first-aid spray?', 'How's Pickwick doing?'. You're too curious, strangah, there is no need for you to know everything!
Lemme tell ya this though; You do not know her. Unless you are her, but I doubt that she's reading this, I don't think she likes to read. She's not stupid or anything, she just doesn't have the patience for it. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if every time she read something, she would spill her drink on it. She's very clumsy, remember?

I can give you a name, an age and maybe even some additional information, but that's all you're going to get today.

Hmm, come to think of it... I'm not even giving you that. There are many important things I need to tell you about, and my stories about women will have to wait for a little while. Maybe next time, strangah.

No, there's something more important for the day, and it does not involve tampons of Mendez, so there's no need to make a run for it. Or so I hope.

It's about Pickwick. I will tell you how I got Pickwick. Ya know what is so nice about having it named Pickwick? The fact that now it almost sounds like I have a pet... A few days ago I caught myself talking to it. I was closing up for the night and someone knocked on the window. There was a woman there, another woman, not that one, and she needed ammo. While unlocking the door again I said 'Well Pickwick, they're throwing themselves at me these days... Those women!'.

I imagined Pickwick snickering and sold the woman some ammo. It was a nice conversation.

So about Pickwick. Once upon time, many months ago, he was still hiding in a syringe, waiting for a monk to inject him into someone's neck. That was obviously my neck, or else it wouldn't be living inside of me right now.

Pickwick was leading a very happy life until he met the monk, did ya know that strangah? Those plagas were all leading happy lives until someone put them away to use 'm for their own advantages. It's a sad thing really, I think Saddler used so many of them that they are now a threatened species. Soon Greenpeace will be fighting for them too, I assure you. 'Save the plagas, kill a monk' or something like that.

So Pickwick was waiting for me, though he didn't know that yet. Neither did I until Saddler came to visit me.

"So... Feeble human..." He stared at me while his staff was making some sick movements.

"What're ya buying?" I saw my chance here... Saddler looked very loaded to me. With cash anyway. And I wanted to make sure he was going to be loaded with weapons too. I never sold him anything though...

"Let me give you power..."

I thought he was talking about making me something like a Ninja Turtle, but I was wrong. When he explained the powers I declined and not much longer he drugged me. I woke up in a chair, staring at Saddler's face on a painting. Not a great way to wake up, if I might add.

"Readeh fo yo powehs?" Some monk asked. He was obviously from the ghetto.

"No." I frowned. "Beware, I got guns."

"Aiiight."

He left me there and I tried to get away, but I was a bit tied-up at the moment. For some reason the chair wasn't secured to the ground and when I wiggled a little it tipped over. There I was, on the ground, tied to a chair that would give me a worse hernia than my backpack ever could.

"Are you resisting our... What the hell are you doing?" Someone's voice came from above me.

Guess who it was... No, not El Gigante... It was the big cheese! I'm sorry, it appears I promised you you wouldn't hear about Mendez, but there he is again!

"I'm inspecting the floor, strangah." I mumbled with my face in the dust. Gross floor, Saddler in my opinion should've hired a cleaning lady.

"Oh..." Mendez, being all gigantic and strong lifted me and the chair from the ground and set me, or us, back up again.

"Power." He mumbled. I saw he was holding a needle.

"What ya gonna do with that?"

"Give you power, soon you will be unable to resist." He chuckled.

That is when Pickwick came in the picture. Now here's the thing... It appears that Pickwick was supposed to make me vulnarable and obey Saddler, but it didn't work on me. All Pickwick ever did was make me cough up blood, which was freaky, but not as bad as I expected it to be.

The reason nobody can control my mind is because... I have no soul.

Tsk, don't tell me you believe that, strangah. It's all because of Raccoon City. I went there once, remember? Because I wanted to see some raccoons? But instead of raccoons I found zombies and my friend Nemesis, who for some reason still keeps calling me.

Anyway, during my time in Raccoon City I was stupid enough to get bitten. Technically, when you get bitten, you will be infected and a little later you turn into a zombie too. That didn't happen to me, because I got the anti-virus! And who brought it to me? It was Nemesis!
He liked me, that gigantic freak. Probably because I gave him that rocket launcher. And when he saw me hurt he gave me that anti-virus.

I don't think he knew what he was doing, but I was happy with it so decided not to question his motives.

So I got the antivirus and I was cured, but it had some side-effects. Apparantly one of them was the fact that that parasite didn't do anything bad for me. I have a power, oh jolly. I have a power, but nobody has power over me. And that makes me quite happy, strangah.
So ever since I've been living with Pickwick, who also has some side-effects, but nothing I can't live with.

Now you know the story of me and Pickwick, and that means I can finally get to the more important parts of my life. But we can do that some...

Oh a customer.

"Hnn, you again, aren't you dead yet?" A man stepped into my shop and stared at me. He was heavily decorated with... A mutant arm?

"Ah, strangah. What're ya buyin'?"

"Do you sharpen knifes too?" Jack Krauser was bored and experiencing a problem he had never had before.

"Sure thing strangah, anythin' for cash."

He held up his mutant arm blade. "It's blunt." He frowned. "Sharpen it and I'll give you a Spinel."

I nodded and guided him to the back of my, if I might add awesome, shop. There I happily sharpened Krauser's mutant arm blade. I can now honestly say I think I've seen it all.

"So have you seen Leon around lately?" The blond man was trying to make some conversation. "Can't find him."

"No strangah, I have not..." I frowned, didn't he blow up with the island? "How cum you're still alive?"

"Wesker."

Hnnnn, that strangah sure doesn't say a lot. Ahwell... I shrugged, if he kept coming back to get weapons or sharpen his blade I ddin't care how it was possible that he's still alive. After he was satisfied with his blade he gave me a Spinel and left the shop. So now I can finally close up and call it a day.

Listen strangah... I know I promised y'all that I would tell you more about that woman, but it doesn't seem right yet. I think it might be better if...

Oh phonecall. Damn strangahs these days.

"'ELLO THERE strangah!" Wait, did I sound a little too cheerful there?

Nobody replied, all I heard was some heavy breathing.

"What're ya buyin'?" I decided to play it safe.

"S.T.A.R.S." Oh, Nemesis again eh?

"Not enough cash, strangah! What're ya sellin'?"

"CUPCAKES."

Then he ended the conversation, probably because he accidently pressed all buttons at once.

Wait. Did Nemesis learn a new word? How odd...

Ahwell, listen up strangah, it's time for me to leave. My back hurts and my scarf is killing me. Well, in a manner of speaking anyway, I do not have a killer-scarf so do not worry.

Maybe rather than waiting for me to write something random again, like today I was talking about Pickwick, you can ask me some questions? And while you're at it maybe you can have your weapon upgraded? Just sayin' strangah, just sayin'...

I promise you that I will answer every single one of your questions with the truth. Unless you're outta line. Don't get pervy, strangah, and make sure you don't lose your head over it.

Until next time.

My back hurts and it's almost 4 am. I need to... Watch Becker! XD Haha. I promise I will update again MUCH sooner. Promise!
And eh... You know. Reviews are appreciated, flamers will be beaten up with a plastic bottle, and come back anytime.

TTT