Preface

When you have lost someone you love, do you really every get over it?

Chapter One

Goodbye My Almost Lover

These days I was spending as much time in La Push as I possibly could. The idea of staying at home in Forks was almost maddening, but this wasn't the only reason. My days were being occupied with the company of my best friend, Jacob Black.

Jacob had recently finished rebuilding the motorcycles I had found, and this kept us very busy as he patiently taught me how to ride. I had only had a few mishaps, nothing too serious, and nothing that required too many stitches.

It was during this time that I had begun to really notice Jacob. He was always so easy for me to be around, that he was just like apart of me. But, something was changing. I started to notice how broad his shoulders truly were and how the muscles in his chest and upper body were so well defined. How his teeth were perfect and white against his dark skin. How he could look at me with a look that made me start to question my own feelings.

I had recently told him that I thought he was "sort of beautiful." How lame does that sound? "Hey Jake, you're 'sort of beautiful'," either you are or you aren't. But, he had taken the odd compliment in a very mature, taken back kind of way.

My life had been so messed up for so many months now, and I wasn't sure how much longer I keep going on, but the days I spent with Jacob made life worth living again.

It was Thursday, and I had just gotten out of school. Today I had something different planed for us. I ran by my house and picked up a movie and decided that Jacob could sit with me and endure it, after all, I'm sure he would love eating the popcorn, if nothing else.

You see, I hadn't watched much television, or even seen many movies, in the last few months, but today, today I felt like a change was needed. This was a romance and for some reason, I felt brave enough to try. I might be making a mistake, brining the misery and ache back to the forefront of my existence, when it was just starting to subside a little, but I couldn't know for sure, until after tonight.

I left Charlie's dinner in the fridge and a note telling him that I would be home later, after Jake and I had finished the movie and gone over our homework. Homework. I was so glad that this was my last semester in high school. Things had not been the same for me there since ..... Edward had left and I was ready to get out of there. To many memories.

Jake was working in his garage when I finally made it to his house. I went out back to surprise him, but he knew I was there, the truck was always a dead give away. So, I took a different approach to the surprise for the evening.

I peeked into the door and Jake was just getting up from under his car. He had a few grease smears on his cheek and I quickly rubbed them away, before I let him in on my plans.

"How was your day," I said, trying to smile? "Great, I had three tests and have an essay due next week on a book that I haven't even read, " he griped. "But other than that it was just fine." "How 'bout yours?" "It was okay. Jake, I was wondering if tonight we could do something we've never done before?" As soon as I said the words, I knew I had made a very poor choice of them, so I tried quickly to cover it up. "Close your eyes and don't peek. Never mind, bend down here so I can cover your eyes." He was grinning widely as I placed my hand over his eyes, the best I could, trying to prevent him from cheating. With the other hand, I place the movie on his tool box so he could see it when I let my hand go. As soon as I set it down, I felt I was making a mistake, but it was too late.

"Can I see now?" Then, before I could recant my plans, he abruptly stood up and my hand fell to his chest. "Gee, Bella, a movie. You were starting to get my hopes up there for a minute." He laughed and I turned crimson as I dropped my hand and looked down. I knew then that he had caught my misguided words and I felt really, bad.

Then, as if it had never been said, he lifted my chin up with his hand to look me in the eye. He was so serious now, that it frightened me, just to know what he was thinking. "Hey, are you sure you want to do this? Isn't Pride and Prejudice a lo......, you know, a love story?

"Jacob, I told you that I'm trying to be more positive these days. I'm trying to move on with my life and lo...love stories used to be a part of what I enjoyed. So, I thought, who better to try this with than with you. If you can suffer through it with me."

Still looking at me with deep concern, he sighed and asked, "did you bring popcorn?" He sounded like he was being flogged. I take it he was not a big fan of romance films, or maybe he was just dreading the three steps back, I would be taking once we had watched the movie.

"Yes, Mr. Black, I brought you popcorn, with extra butter. So, does that mean you will suffer through this with me?" I looked at him with a pleading pout and realized that the answer was already yes. It must have been the "extra butter" that made him agree.

He finished up in the garage and we went inside to clean up and start our homework. He made sandwiches for us and we made it through the next hour and a half without so much as looking up, until the phone rang.

Billy was calling to say that he would be eating at Sue Clearwater's house tonight. He had been spending a lot of time there since her husband, and his good friend, Harry had passed away. When I thought of Harry, I couldn't help but remember that the day he died, I had almost drowned. I had jumped off a cliff into the ocean, not realizing that a storm was brewing below. Jake had saved my life that day. They say, that when you come face to face with death and pull through it, things start to look differently. I guess that was what did it for me. As I mentioned earlier, I was trying to work through the grief in my life, trying to move forward.

It was not quite dark yet, when Jake said, "okay, let's get the crying over with," then got up and moved to the dvd player where he put the movie in and started it playing. I moved slowly as I went to start the popcorn, knowing that all I had to do is say, "no, I can't do this" and he would be jumping for joy. But, I had to do this. I had to be brave, not only for me, but for him, so I could put myself on the road to normalcy.

It had just started when I came into the room and we settled onto the small sofa. Jake began eating the buttery popcorn, as I shifted from side to side, trying to get comfortable. I knew it wasn't the sofa, it was me, so I took a few deep breaths and started paying attention.

Within moments, I was spellbound. The romance, the hope of a future together, the look on Mr. Darcy's face, the way he dropped his hand and flexed it, as though Elizabeth's touch made it tingle, when he helped her into the carriage. I couldn't look away. There was no pain, no dread, nothing but a tingle of my own, now and then, as I watched.

During a slower spot in the movie, I looked over at Jake, who was being unusually quite, to see if he had fallen asleep. Come to think of it, I hadn't even heard him munching the popcorn for several minutes. He was awake and he caught me looking at him. His dark eyes were wide with wonder and he was deep in thought. I don't even remember moving, but the next thing I knew, I was in his arms and he was holding me very close. I didn't mind so much, this time, as I had in the past, when he had wrapped his arms around me. It was nice.

We continued to watch, neither of us saying a word, until it was over. I was surprised that the sadness I felt was not from having watched a movie about love and romance, but that it was over. Both Jake and I got to our feet at the same time, and I sensed an awkwardness or uneasiness in the room, but neither one of us wanted to break the ice.

I crossed the room and silently removed the dvd from the player, placed it into the cover and looked at the picture for the longest. Jake must have been watching me, waiting for me to explode with tears and babbling, but I didn't. I felt good in a strange, new way. I couldn't put my finger on the feeling, but three words came to mind "a new beginning."

I gathered my books and started walking toward the door still in a daze. "Hey, where do you think you're going?" I jumped a little as he startled me back to the present. "It's late. I better be getting home." "Come on then, I'm driving you. You don't think I am going to let you be alone right now, do you?"

We walked outside and he took my books and put them in the truck. He reached down and took my hand and pulled me a little closer to him. He laughed a little, uneasy laugh, then said, "you know we're a little bit like them, don't you?" I looked up and stared into his eyes. He looked different than he had a few hours ago. He looked radiant, he was glowing and he felt so warm. I felt a little dizzy as I gazed at him. He must have seen the wobble, so he pulled me even closer, holding my hand next to his cheek.

"In what ways, Jake?" I knew. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I didn't want to say it out loud. But he wanted me to. "You know, Bella, tell me." And with that, and the look that he gave me, that was melting my heart, I spoke. It was only a whisper, but I managed to get it out. "We are both very stubborn people. I'm like Elizabeth in that I have almost lost something very dear to me, correction, someone. There is someone in my life that means a great deal more to me than I have ever admitted to anyone, so I guess I fit the prejudice part, maybe because that someone didn't capture my heart first. And you, may be a little like Mr. Darcy. Your tall, dark, and handsome and you have someone that you almost gave up on, maybe once or twice, but then you came after her. It was so sad when she almost lost him. You could just feel the love they had for each other."

He didn't say anything. He just looked at me and smiled, holding me captive in his arms for what seemed like forever. I was beginning to think that he was in a trance or something. Then, he bent down and kissed me. The passion I felt that night in his touch, was greater than any I had ever known. Greater, even than what Edward and I had shared. There was always a part of Edward that was held back, but Jacob, Jacob would have given me everything that night, his body and his soul, but for now, I knew I had his heart, and I do believe he realized that I was trying to giving him mine, what was left of it.

He sighed and long sigh of contentment then said, "you know I don't want to take you home, but I don't want Charlie to hate me either. Let's go my love." He opened the door and put me inside, then walked slowly to the driver's side. I didn't even ask to drive, I just wanted to sit and admire him for a while. The moon was bright tonight, so I caught many glimpses of his face and features as we drove.

Was this the turning point for me? Was it really possible for me to feel complete and happy again? I felt no pain at this very moment, but would I feel it tonight, after he was gone? Would I feel guilty tomorrow? It didn't matter, I had to face the unknown, I had to go on.

We were very quiet when we got to my house. Jacob didn't want Charlie to know he had driven me there, with no way home. Of course it would have been difficult to explain that he could run home in about fifteen minutes in his wolf form. He cut the engine a couple of houses down and coasted to a stop at my house. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, then he asked "are you going to be okay tonight? You took a big step today." "I think I will be fine. Thanks for worrying about me, but I'm not a breakable, porcelain doll." "But aren't you? You are my very fragile doll Bella and I don't want you to hurt tonight. Leave your window unlocked. I may pop in to check on you."

We kissed good night and I went inside. Still amazed at the progress I had made today and still reeling from the onset of emotions I had discovered with Jake tonight. I told Charlie good night, showered, and got ready for bed. Once in my room, the peace and contentment turned to resolve. I picked up the single cd by A Fine Frenzy, titled Almost Lover that I had listened to and cried myself to sleep with so many times, put it in its case and kissed it. I knew what I had to do tomorrow.

I guess I slept peacefully most of the night, I only woke up once when I thought I heard my window close. I guess Jake did check on me. There was a single wildflower laying on my bed. I went back to sleep quickly and slept so well, that I was almost late for school.

I hurried and at my pop tart in the truck as I drove. School couldn't go fast enough for me today. I had a purpose, a mission, and I wanted to get it over with before I chickened out. I finally made it through the day without really talking with anyone. A "hi" here or there, was about it. When the last bell rang I practically ran out of the school and to my truck. I was on my way. I had to do this.

As I turned off of the highway, onto the long drive, I realized the branches on the trees were reaching out over the lane, and the greenery was like a sea surrounding me. No one had passed this way in such a long time. It was almost like forbidden territory. It was forbidden for me. I had not allowed myself to come here but once. It just hurt too much.

My heart was pounding and aching at the same time, as I pulled up in front of the big, white house. It was like a ghost, standing in the forest, and it haunted me. So many memories. So much of my life had been consumed by the people, the person, who had once lived here, but this was it, I was finally going to say goodbye, forever.

With trembling hands, I forced myself to get out of the truck. I held the cd next to my chest as I approached the steps. Moving up the first step wasn't that hard, but as I climbed to the second and third, my legs became like weights. "I don't think I can do this," I whispered. But my mind answered, "yes you can, you have to, for you and for Jake, you have to."

My hands were shaking so badly by now, I almost dropped the cd, it was hot in my hands and clammy. I looked at it for a moment, kissed it, and said my goodbye, then I slipped it under the door.

I could hardly see, for the hot tears that were streaming down my face and I all but fell onto the porch, where I slumped and laid down. This was so hard. The largest part of me didn't want to let go, to let him go. But the more rational part of me knew I had to, so that I could survive.

I lay there for at least an hour and sang the words to the song, over and over.

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy,

I thought you'd want the same for me,

Goodbye my almost lover,

Goodbye my hopeless dreams,

I'm trying not to think about you,

Why can't you just let me be,

So long my luckless romance,

My back is turned on you,

Should have known you'd bring me heart ache,

Almost lovers always do.

When I could no longer sing, my words turned to sobs and I poured my wounded heart out. I cried myself into hysterics, but couldn't pull myself out of it. I began to drift in and out of consciousness so I didn't even hear him approach. He came to me silently and just held me while I sobbed.

When he finally spoke, he held me close and spoke into my hair, like he was trying to muffle his pain. "Bella, I was so worried. I was waiting for you to come to me. Why are you doing this to yourself? I thought you were getting better? I came looking for you and found your truck. I heard you singing the saddest song. Why, Bella? Why?"

I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. I had no energy left, so I just slumped against him. Then his mood seemed to change quickly, and he swiftly pulled me to my feet. We were standing in front of the window of the house, but I didn't want to look at it, I needed to leave. I started to turn, when he suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "Look Bella. Look! He screamed." I stared, but all I saw was the empty front room. I shook my head. This was so painful.

"No, don't look inside, look outside! What do you see in the glass? Just you and me, Bella! He's gone and he isn't coming back! But I'm here, right beside you." Then his voice trailed off into a whisper, "I always have been."

I looked at our reflection in the glass. He was so beautiful, and I looked so small and broken next to him. I slowly turned to face him, with my tear stained eyes. "Jake, you have it all wrong. I did this for you. I came here today....to say goodbye. It was just a little harder than I thought. I realized last night, after watching the movie with you, that I had to do this, so I.... so we could start our life together. If you still want me, Jake, here I am. I'm not perfect, I'm not even whole, but as I stand here today, I can honestly say that I love you more than anything, more than anyone in my life."

Now, tears were in his eyes. He was speechless, except for these words, "oh Bella I love you." He picked me up high enough in his arms that I could rest my elbows on his shoulders. I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. I guess I felt a little unbalanced, so I wrapped one leg around his waist. We were both crying and kissing each other so tenderly, through the tears. "My Jacob. Thank you for loving me. Thank you." I said, half gasping the words.

Just then, he dropped me down so that I was cradled in his arms, like he was carrying a baby. And we were running. "Let's get out of here and go to the meadow." He said as he ran, faster and deeper into the forest. My head was spinning, but I didn't protest. I was just fine resting against his chest.

He ran without really focusing on the trees, or where he was going. He belonged in the forest. It complemented him. He was a part of it. We were there in just a few minutes and it was lovely. The sun was out today and the wild flowers were in bloom.

It didn't seem the same, as the last time that I had been here when the vampire, Laurant, had nearly killed me. That was the first time I knew, at least in my heart, that the large russet wolf that stood before me, was Jacob. This seemed like an appropriate place for us to be, after just professing our true and undeniable love for each other. I could hardly remember the time that Edward and I had been here, that's how focused on Jacob I was, and that is how it should be.

He sat me down on the grass and I laid back to take in a deep breath of fresh air. I had my eyes closed and I never heard him, but I felt his warmth hovering above me. He was inches from my body, and then he was half laying on me. His mouth found my neck and kissed up and down the side, he breathed softly into my ear, then came around to my lips. He placed one hand on the side of my face and ran the other through my hair. "I must be in heaven," I thought, and I soaked up the warmth that came off his body.

He whispered into my ear. "You know I've been here many times with you, in my dreams, in my fantasies." "Oh, really? What were you dreaming about? Fantasies! What fantasies? I've been telling you I just wanted to be friends all this time, and you have been having fantasies about me?" I could feel him smiling into my hair, and I had to admit, I was a little flattered.

"Jacob, show me one of your fantasies," I whispered. There was a moment of hesitation, then before I knew what was happening, he was under me, and I was laying on top of his muscled body. "Are you sure you want to delve into the mind of a werewolf?" "Yes." I whispered into his mouth.

"Bella, I assure you I am nothing, but an honorable man. I promise. So, do you trust me." "Yes, you know I do." I said as I slid my lips down his neck. Then I froze, as I felt him unbuttoning my blouse.

"I've always pictured us here, just like this, with you sitting up, letting your hair fall back as you arched your back and let the sun shine on your skin. Your.....bare skin."

Without thinking, I slowly began to raise up, so that I was sitting across his mid section, with my legs on either side of his body. It did feel good, to be out in the sunlight like this, and the feelings that were stirring inside of me felt even better. I leaned back and let my hair fall against his legs, as my blouse fell open. I felt him move slightly and from the corner of my eye, I could see that he had raised up so he could see me more clearly.

He let his finger tip trace down my chest, moving slowly, as he traced the lacy outline of the top of my bra, then he continued to trace down my stomach. I shivered with tremors of pleasure that he caused inside of my body. My heart was racing and I thought I was about to pass out. Just then, I heard the sound of an animal, not really growling, but maybe coughing or laughing. I flinched.

Jacob lay back down in the grass with a thud. "Man! Quil, your timing sucks, do you know that?" Jacob pulled my blouse together and slid me off his mid section, positioning himself in front of me so I was sitting, hidden beside him. He had propped his elbows up on his legs, which were now slightly in an upward angle. He looked down at his lap as he started to shake his head.

I still had not seen anything, but I had heard another throaty laugh when Jacob had spoken. About that time, I saw two dark, half naked figures, emerging from the shadows of the forest. They walked in long strides, so that they were quickly standing only a few feet away from us. I had hurried to finish buttoning my blouse and realized that Jacob had placed me on the other side of himself, not to protect me from some wild animal, but to keep them from seeing me, sort of exposed. The look on his face told me that he wanted this moment to remain private, for his eyes only.

Jacob looked up and said firmly, "we were trying to have a private moment here." Both Quil and Embry just grinned and eyed him impishly. I peeked around Jacob and said "hi," knowing that I was twelve shades of crimson. "It's okay Jake. It's not like we haven't seen this fantasy of yours before. We just don't, um, feel it as strongly as you do. Nor do we get to experience it in real life. But those are the breaks, bro. We're connected when we're wolves. Remember?" At that he winked at me and blew me a kiss. I could have crawled into the ground and died and this point.

Then he was suddenly, a little more serious as he spoke. "Jake, you know Sam is going to be pissed at you?" "Why this time," Jake replied. "You know why. Because of her." Quil pointed in my direction, and I suddenly felt the red drain from my face. I was cold and felt a little sick at my stomach. Why would he say that? I just stared at him. Jacob jumped up and got right in his face, his hands were trembling. He had become defensive after seeing the pained look on my face. "You can tell Sam to back off! I don't take orders from him!"

Embry stepped between them. "Calm down bro, you know how we feel, too. We're on you side about this thing. Just calm down." He put his hand on Jake's shoulder and had him taking deep breaths in minutes.

I stood and took Jake's hand in mine. "Jake, this is my fault. I know that everyone in La Push thinks I'm not good enough for you. I have hu....hurt you so many times. I'm sure that some of them even think I'm crazy." I looked up at both of them, with an accusatory stare, but to my surprise, they seemed to look a little melancholy. "I have to work really hard now to prove to everyone how much you mean to me, how much I love you. Maybe, in time, they will believe in me and see that I want the best for you too."

I knew that Sam didn't like me. From the moment he had found me in the forest, all those months ago. I had even thought a few times, when I had seen him around, that he may have felt pity for me, in an odd way, for some reason.

Jake turned and pulled me close to his side. "No, Bella. This is not your fault. Sam is just so big on this imprinting crap. He thinks that none of us should even look for someone to be with until we imprint on a girl. Truth is, we have done some research of our own, from the stories that have been passed down, and only one-third of the wolves from our history every imprinted. But, because Sam has seen both sides of this thing, he thinks that it would only cause us undue pain if we fell in love with someone, whom we hadn't imprinted on. So, I guess he just expects us to either go wolf permanently and be alone, or be alone forever waiting for some stupid magic legend to sweep us off our feet. I personally like the fact that we have a choice. So far, the only other member of the pack that has imprinted is Jared. And, of course he agrees with Sam."

We were all quiet for a moment. Then Embry spoke up. "Man. There is another reason we came looking for you. We crossed a new trail about thirty minutes after you bolted on us earlier. This Victoria vamp is really doing a number on our patrol lines. Sam thinks it would be a good idea for us to circle back in the opposite direction and meet them on the other side of the line. This is different from what she has pulled in the past. This might be the chance we need to take her down."

Jake turned to me without a word and kissed me, right in front of them. It was as if they had disappeared and we were alone again. I was a little nervous at first, with then watching, but my nervousness soon left and all I could do was kiss him back. Then, he scooped me up in his arms and we were running back toward the house again. Quil and Embry disappeared into the woods for a few minutes, then returned as two big, beautiful wolves.

We made it back to the truck in record time. Jake put me inside and jumped into the driver's seat. He reached over and pulled me up next to him, and left his hand on my leg as he turned the truck around and started driving. "I think you might be safer in my territory, so do you mind spending a few hours in La Push? Billy should be home or you can go down to the beach and hang out for a while." "Okay, if you think it is best. Will you check back in with me as soon as you can?" He grinned at me and replied, "you know I will."

He had told the others that he would meet up with them in about thirty minutes, which is exactly how long it took for us to reach his house. We got out and he gave me a quick kiss before running off into the woods. I hated to see him go, not knowing what dangers faced him out there.