Author's Note: Hopefully this will also make up for my absence and neglect. :]

Lupin: [strums his mandolin] I shall compose a ballad....[to himself] mocking you.

Lockhart: [ignores them and clears his throat assuming a dramatic pose and cueing the invisible orchestra.]

Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
In far-off France I heard your call.

Lupin and Snape exchange confused looks mouthing the word "France" to each other.

Lockhart:

Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
And here am I to give my all.

I know in my soul what you expect of me
And all that and more I shall be
A wizard who fights evil should be invincible
Succeed where a less fantastic wizard would fall
Climb a wall no one else can climb
Cleave a dragon in record time

Find a ferocious werewolf and kill him in a brawl.

Lupin: [looks hurt] Hey!

Snape: [snickers]

Lockhart: [continuing with bravado]

No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable
Impossible deeds should be his daily fare.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A wizard so extraordinaire?

Lupin: [points to Hogwarts thinking of Dumbledore]

Snape: [points to himself, swelling with pride]

Lockhart: [points to himself with jubilation]

C'est moi! C'est moi,

I'm forced to admit.
'Tis I, I humbly reply.
That mortal who
These marvels can do,

Snape and Lupin: [look disgusted]

C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I.

I've never lost in battle or duel;
I'm simply the best by far.
When wands are crossed
'Tis always the same:
One blow and au revoir!

Lupin: [looks ill]

Snape: [goes to interrupt Lockhart and gets hit upside the head with Lockhart's shield as he dramatically extends his arms.] Oof.

Lockhart:

C'est moi! C'est moi!
So adm'rably fit!

[glares at Lupin who is gagging.]

A marvelous wizard, you fool.

[goes back to addressing his nonexistent crowd of admirers]

And here I stand, with valour untold,
Exeption'ly brave, amazingly bold,
To serve at the Hogwarts School!

Snape: [staggers to his feet and growls in Lockhart's direction. He mutters a spell and a ferocious manticore appears in the woods behind them making straight for Lockhart]

Lockhart: [fails to notice]

The soul of a Wizard should be a thing remarkable,
His heart and his mind as pure as morning dew.
With a will and a self-restraint
That's the envy of ev'ry saint
He could easily work a miracle or two.

[Manticore smirks showing three rows of sharp teeth and slinks towards Lockhart]

To hatred and power he ought to be untaintable,
The ways of the dark arts should offer no allure.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so untouched and pure?

[brandishes a sword and begins flinging it about accidentally killing the manticore]

Snape: [whimpers angrily]

Lupin: [hides a small chuckle]

Lockhart: [with a false tone of humility...heh]

C'est moi!

C'est moi! C'est moi,
I blush to disclose.
I'm far too noble to lie.
That man in whom
These qualities bloom,
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I.

Snape: [summons a dragon but it takes interest in chasing Lupin and Snape around the meadow rather than Lockhart]

Lockhart:

I've never strayed from all I believe;
I'm blessed with an iron will.
Had I been made the friend of Riddle,
He'd be a good guy still.

Snape: [pauses mouth agape.]

Lupin: [running away from the dragon] Heeeeeeeeelllllllppppppppppppp!!!!!!

Lockhart:

C'est moi! C'est moi!
The wizards have chose
To fight their battles here,

[swings sword and you guessed it, accidentally kills the dragon.]

And here I stand, as pure as a pray'r,
Incredibly clean, with virtue to spare,
The wizard held most dear!
C'est moi!

Lupin: [sinks to the ground huffing and puffing] Thanks.

Lockhart: [pats Lupin's head] It's what I do. Say, you're kind of cute.

Lupin: [blink blink] Wha?

Lockhart: [flexes his "muscles"] Why don't you and I ditch the ugly guy and go make out?

Snape: [His feeling has been hurt....yes, I meant feeling] Ugly guy?

Lupin: Ummm....errrr...no?

Lockhart: [smiles] Playing hard to get, eh? No need, my little turtle dove.

Lupin: [whimpers] SIRIUS!!!!!!!!!

Sirius: [peeks over the curtain] Yes?

Lupin: [sniffles and points at Lockhart] He's hitting on me! And he was mean! [points at Snape]

Sirius: Oh. That's good. Carry on. [starts to leave]

Lupin: [wailing] You're supposed to kill them.

Sirius: [chuckles] It's almost that time of the month, isn't it? [shakes his head]

Writer: [in a worried tone] Before you kill them, let's just move on.

Hermione: [appears in a lovely white dress] Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I must be Gwenivere!!!!!!

Snape: [still dwelling on Lockhart's comment and beginning to strangle him] Ugly guy?

Lockhart: [choking] A little help here?

TBC

So will Snape in fact strangle Lockhart? Will Hermione suffer endlessly? Will someone be nice to Lupin and give him a hug? He's been through a lot of trauma...

Why are you still reading this? Have you no life? Have you nothing else to do? Listen to me, man! Save yourself before it's too late! Look away from the fan fic! Run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since you're still here, please stay tuned for the next installment of this story. Please? I'll cry if you don't. ;.;