Pairing: Okita/Katsura; slight OkiHiji if you also practice S&M on all your voodoo dolls

Summary: (Okita Sougo screamed, "You're... too... pretty!!" in front of Elizabeth, the Shinsengumi, and the general Edo populace.) ... The Prince of the Planet of Sadist is growing up so fast...

Inspired by episode 64, in which the Edo News Crew interviews Zura for an entire day. Title parodies episode 35.

Hijikata and Gintoki have potty mouths.

YOU MIGHT NEED A MANUAL

It happened during his daily excursion of being chased on the roof by the blasted Shinsengumi, with Okita Sougo in the lead, bazooka holstered over his shoulder and a horrifying grin on his face.

They both knew Katsura was going to take a leap for the alleyway.

But either one of them had to have made an error in their instinctive calculations.

Katsura leaped, landing gracefully, sand billowing everywhere except to his gorgeously flowing hair and his plain yet immaculately kept and placed hakama.

Okita followed, meaning to land gracefully, sand billowing everywhere except into his bazooka and his sweat-soaked, rumpled yet immaculately flailing leather uniform.

Katsura swerved for a turn, and Okita plummeted belly-first on top of him, sending the older man tumbling back, buttocks smacking against the concrete wall of the building, before slowly being dragged down by the dead weight on top of him.

Okita sat on Katsura's slender, gaunt abdomen, the rise and fall motion from the man's hard breathing and the heat thrumming from his skin transferring into the young man's body. He distinctively heard the banging open of a nearby window, the shrill, horrendous curses of an elderly woman (something along the lines of "You're all bitches!"), and felt a splash of water against the side of his face and shoulders.

Okita Sougo opened his eyes to view the water slipping sensuously down the contours of Katsura Kotarou's face and dripping sexily from the man's long, loose, black tendrils.

It only took a matter of moments.

Oh. My. God.

Katsura Kotarou blinked rapidly, allowing droplets hanging from his lashes to skim off, before gradually sliding them open.

He stared down at the meeting point of the young man's taut, sleek pants.

Then he leisurely brought his head back up to observe Okita Sougo.

"... You're hard, Shinsengumi dog." he informed the young man.

Katsura watched Okita's childish face balloon by the cheeks, the color rapidly transforming into a radish purple.

Okita Sougo screamed.

"--doesn't give you the excuse to turn on your own comrades... Fuck, what're you doing, Sougo?" Hijikata had the guts to ask the younger man later that evening.

Possibly because for once, the voodoo doll did not involve his own face, but that of a cutely-sown, button-eyed wanted terrorist, Katsura Kotarou.

"I'm pinning nails on Katsura-doll-- in all the places that can make him writhe," Okita responded with a horrifying grin.

Not for the first time, Hijikata wondered what Sougo was seriously thinking when he pinned those same nails in the same places on the Hijikata voodoo doll.

... Why was Katsura-doll cuter, anyway?

"I am pretty, aren't I?" mused Katsura Kotarou, stuck in the panels of the Yorozuya's door once again.

"What're you talking about, Zura?" Gintoki queried lazily as he slammed that door to the side, "--You're goddamn gorgeous."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura. Where're you going, Gintoki?"

"The carpenter's been bitching at me about sticking loose tiles on the roofs. Jesus." The naturally permed man paused, tilting his head to the side. "And why're you shaking, Zura?"

"Aa... n-not... nn... Zura... I think... it's S&M..."

"Right. I should take Kagura along."

END

... Actually, true story: this happens every week.

Yep. True story; seriously.