Chapter 1

He hadn't seen Soubi for over six weeks and he was starting to seriously worry about him. He had never stayed out of contact for this long. Even when he commanded Soubi to call him back in the messages he left, his phone never rang. He had a permanent uneasy feeling in his stomach and he didn't know how much longer he could stand it.

He slammed his head down on his desk. Soubi had been with him ever since 6th grade. After Seimei died, he didn't think he could ever love anyone again, or that anyone could ever love him. But then Soubi came along. It had been four years since he met Soubi and that jerk still made him worry every time he left. Even though he always came home, Ritsuka couldn't help but worry. He slipped the cell phone out of his pocket and checked it for possibly the tenth time in the last five minutes. He didn't know why time seemed to be passing so slowly.

"Ritsuka!" He snapped his head up from the desk and stared around at the classroom full of students, all eyes on him. Some snickered, but for the most pars the room was deathly silent.

"Y…yes?" His voice came out strained and nervous, probably from his sudden embarrassment.

"No sleeping in class. If you don't feel well go to the nurse."

"Right. S…sorry." He placed his hand under his chin as class began to start again and sighed. "Stupid Soubi…" He muttered under his breath. "Where are you?"

Suddenly his phone vibrated and blinked red. He jumped up out of his seat, knocked over his chair and began to run for the door. "Where are you going?"

"Uh…to the nurse!" He yelled as he ran out of the door full speed and down the numerous hallways to the main entrance of the school. He slowed as he reached the main gate and he looked around both corners, scanning the surrounding are for the man with long blonde hair. He was nowhere in sight. He placed his hands on his knees in order to catch his breath and pulled his cell phone out once more. He flipped it open to read the message. After glancing at it, he knew it would have been helpful to actually read the message before reacting to it.

Don't worry. I'll be back soon.

Soubi

"Damn you!" He screamed at the cell phone in his hand. "You stupid jerk! How am I supposed to not worry! That's impossible!" He growled and shoved the cell phone back into his pocket before storming off to the nurse's office. "Excuse me. May I use one of your beds?" He tried to keep his voice as calm and polite as possible, even though he wanted to hit something.

"Are you alright?"

"Yea. I'll be fine. I just need to lie down for a little while. I got a headache."

"Go right ahead."

"Thank you." He crawled into a bed and pulled the curtain shut around it, blocking himself off from the rest of the world. "How could he do this to me?" Just telling him to not worry didn't help. He knew that until Soubi was back with him, this uneasy feeling wouldn't go away.

He was tired. Tired of waiting for him and thinking about him every single moment. He pulled out the cell phone one more time and stared at the background. It was a picture of them, on a trip to the beach. He sighed before closing the phone and placing it near his pillow. His eyelids began to droop and he let them. Right now, he just wanted to sleep and forget everything. And sleep he did.

…:::…

"Ritsu-kun…Ritsu-kuuuuuun!" His eyes slowly opened and he saw is pink haired friend staring down at him. He normal reaction would have been to scream in surprise. But he was WAY too tired for that.

"Yea? What is it?"

"Are you okay? You're shaking and running a fever again." He looked down at his hand to discover that it was indeed shaking.

"That's odd. I feel fine."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"Well that's good. School's already over. Do you want to walk home with me today?"

"I guess so." He stood up and he automatically felt like lying down again. His head was spinning and the world began to tilt. He caught himself on the table near the bed and pause slightly before pushing himself back up.

"Ritsu-kun! Are you alright?" He forced a smile.

"Fine. I just stood up to fast, that's all."

"Alright. You ready to go then?"

"Yea." They walked in silence for several moments before Yuiko began to speak again.

"You've been acting really weird lately Ritsu-kun."

"Have I?"

"Is this about Soubi?" He froze in place, as did she.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you look nervous and you've been checking your phone a lot." A silence fell as they stood on the sidewalk. It was an awkward silence, as if both of them wanted to say something but it wouldn't come out. Finally, he spoke.

"Y…Yuiko?"

"What is it?"

"Do you think it's possible that he…that he could possibly…"

"Possibly what?"

"Leave me?" He looked at her, his newfound growth giving him the advantage.

"Ritsu-kun…" Her eyes were filled with pity and suddenly he knew what the answer was. Soubi had never belonged to him. He belonged to Seimei. He didn't want to hear her answer.

"Never mind."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry about it Yuiko. I was just thinking out loud." He faked another smile. "I'll be fine. Now let's go." He grabbed her hand and began to walk quickly, not realizing that he was half dragging her behind him.

His head felt dizzy, his stomach was in knots and he felt like he was going to faint. He turned the corner towards their houses and slowed down his pace. They reached her door first and he let go of her hand. "Ritsu-kun?"

"Hm?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yea. I'm sure." He didn't look at her. He didn't want her to see him like this. "See ya later Yuiko."

"Bye." He stuffed both hands in his coat pockets and began to walk towards the river. He could feel her watching him, feel her eyes on his back. He continued walking and sighed. He knew that he should try to go home and sleep but he knew it was pointless. He hadn't slept or ate well for weeks. He couldn't. Not when he felt like something was seriously wrong. Soubi disappeared and he didn't like it. Not one bit.

He was at his wits end. He couldn't bare it for much longer. "That unbelievable jerk…" he muttered for perhaps the one-hundredth time that day. No matter how many times he said it, it wasn't enough. He wanted to see Soubi but he also wanted to yell at him. He wanted to hold Soubi but he also wanted to hit him. He was angry but he was also sad. Soubi always had that effect on him. He always got confused when he thought about him.

Ritsuka sighed and looked up from his feet. He had reached the river, the place where Soubi and him used to go together.

But Soubi wasn't here. Soubi had left him. Soubi had abandoned him. Soubi was never his to have.

He sat down on the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest, a habit that had developed a long time ago. Ritsuka dropped his head to rest on top of them and tried to pull his knees even closer. He wished he were a kid again. He wished that Seimei had never betrayed him. And he wished that he had never met Soubi.

Because if he never met Soubi, then Soubi couldn't hurt him. If he had never met Soubi, he wouldn't be confused all the time.

But somewhere deep down inside of him, he knew that he needed Soubi. That he begun to depend on him. And that made Ritsuka even angrier. He wanted to be stronger. He didn't want to have to depend on other people for happiness. He wanted to be able to be carefree and happy just like other kids his age. He wanted to live like a normal teenager with a normal family life and a normal mom. But all of that was impossible and he knew it.

He flopped back on the grass and closed his eyes, the setting sun seeping through his eyelids. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Yuiko's cell phone. It rang and rang and rang but no one answered. He hung up and tried again. No one answered.

Everyone was abandoning him. No one was there when he need them most. He closed to phone and stood up, gripping the object tightly in his hand.

No one was there.

No one could help him.

He couldn't depend on anyone.

He was alone.

Alone…it's one of those words that always got to him. It only consisted of five letters but the word itself contained so much pain. He let out a small growl and gripped the small phone even tighter in his hand. "Why?" He whispered quietly. "Why is everyone doing this?" He lifted his head from where it hung. "WHY?" He screamed as he threw the phone that was in his hand with all of his might. It landed with a small plunk in the water. He didn't care that that phone was the only way to contact Soubi. If they were truly connected, if Soubi truly cared, he would have come back by now. He would have heard Ritsuka's plea no matter where he was.

"Please Soubi…please come back. I need you." He waited for several moments and then did something he hadn't done for a long time. He began to cry. Tears rolled down his face and he turned back towards his house and ran. He was in no condition to be running. With every breath he took, his chest felt as if it was on fire. With every step, he was a step closer to collapsing. He just had to make it to his house. He just had to make it there, to that empty room. Where he could collapse. Where he could sleep. Where he could suffer in silence. Where he could be…

Alone.