Ok, I need to tell you that I have finished this and that for the next few days I am going to be in a depressed mood because of the songs I had to listen to to actually finish this. I thank Plumb for their song CUT that I used and quoted. ANd I thank LP for their song NUMB to get me started on this. Thank you for reading it and I might not do another one until I can stop crying... that might take a while... TT-TT

All characters are not mine, they are not mine, but the situation is... not... The songs are not mine and the reality is, I wish it was, cause then I could have it made into an episode and you'd love it.

Now, you might think of me as horrible, but in truth I am not. I saw Gregory Sanders as a being in love, and no matter how much time I gave him to grab the man he wanted, he never obliged. It made me sad, and for that I came to punish him. Time, I fear, would not be on his side.

But that did not stop me from giving him a chance. With that Lady luck and I made a bet. That Greg would live or die by a pistol. A gun.. Russian roulette.

"I do not believe in this." I smiled softly at Luck.

"Do not worry, it might not come to it." with that, I began the count down on his last moment on earth, and I knew luck would not win, for I had fixed this game to suit my appeal.

Greg Sanders and Nick stokes would never fall in love, they would never know love, and the man that I had given so many chances to, would parish before the man he killed him self for.

Greg looked down at the paper work in front of him, two sets were in vinilla envelopes. One was him asking for forgiveness and the other was to Nick.. to help explain his death. He took in a shakie breath before sealing them, placing them in his bag to be put in different spot. They would find it, he was positive of that. "Six days, only that much time tell..." he gave a gasp as he felt the muscles in his heart tighten. He was sore and his body knew he could not take much more. If he did not die of starvation and dehidration, he would die by a bullet in the head.

"Hey G, got something for you to check out." Warrick said, his voice booming as he entered the room with Nick. They both glanced at Greg before looking confused at his pale completion.

"Hey guys, what'cha got me this time." Greg asked, smiling as his music played from his ipod loudly in his left ear.

"Well, a supposed suicide victum." Nick stated, walking towards the desk to see it cluttered with notes and book on the mind and criminology. "I thought I told you to take it easy, Greg. You look like you haven't eaten in months." Warrick snorted.

"No, it looks like he hasn't taken any care in himself for months." Warrick glanced at the stuff, raising a brow before looking at Nick.

"Sorry, I'm just really into this paper. I have to at least try some way of getting Grissom to relise I'm not as Stupid as most people think I am." Greg said in his flase brecaid. They couldn't know. Not yet. Not until ...

"Well, don't get your self hooked on this, Cat and Sara would hang us by are knecks." Greg smiled, of course they wouldn't do anything. They still believed him to be innocent little Greg who would never hold a gun even if it was to save his life... He cracked up laughing as Nick and Warrick left the room, yeah, to save his life he would never hold a gun, but to end it, that was totally different. What an oxymoron.

That night Greg spun the revolver and put it under his chin. He closed his eyes tightly, hoping it would cut out the clenching of his heart and the tears burning his checks. THey stung and made them flow harder in a stream of anger. He was killing his self. Each time he did this, it was a cut to who he was and who he would cease to be.

"I don't care." slowly a song flowed acrossed his mind. A smile graced his face as he thought of the lyrics.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Greg quickly pulled the trigger before hearing the clink of the fact that this night the gun was empty. The first gash dragged it self over his heart and his being. He was slowly less then he started out this morning.

He crumbled to the floor, crying in hagared breaths and deep sobs before crawling to his bed and whispering part of the song to him slef again.

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

It hurt so much... Why couldn't he be now, why did the pain have to continue! His mind slowly died out, allowing thoughts of Nick to swim to the surface. He subconcious taking over to heal his near death for tonight.

Greg dragged his feet to the counter. His coffee half empt, while his eyes were swollen from the tears. He smiled slightly as he lifted the book and read a little of what was going on with the human brain. He couldn't help but laugh dully as he read 'the human brain cannot take much until it breaks'. "That had to be true." Another verse of the song hit him, yet he couldn't remember the name of the song... "Typical."

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

No one came to see Greg much that day, though when they did they baggered him about his studing and that he needed to take better care of himself. Even Grissom came down and said that what he was doing was unhealthy and that if he didn't eat anything today that he would have Nick or Warrick, heck he even used Brass as a threat to make Greg eat a simply apply.

"If they knew what I was doing, they'd wouldn't bother about me not eating." Greg said, driving home and quickly getting out the gun and other 'equipment' before walking over to the calender and marking of day five. He had finished this day, if he lived then he had four more.

Kneeling down, he had given up on the front room and now had chosen the bathroom, looked into the water of the tub. Ice floated in it, making it perfect for him to die faster if the bullet was not fatal. He smiled, one that deformed his face as he pictured Nick infront of him, screaming him to stop this.

"Sorry, Nicky, can't stop now."

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

He almost screamed as he heard the empty click as he pulled the trigger. Yet, in an angry fit of left over adrinaline he plunged his head into the cold water, screaming before swalling water. He pulled out, shivering as the water soaked his clothes. Coughing the water left his lungs before he got into a sitting position, one hand in the water while the other reached out to the gun. He could do it again or he could touch the plug...

"I'm pathetic. I can't kill my self so quickly. I have to give them time. I have four days... THey'll stop me before then..." The tears burned, his sking was cold yet the droplets of salt water were hot. "Nick... Nick..." This became Greg's lullaby before he passed out. His heart was swelling as the second gash dragged out more blood then before. HE was dieing and he couldn't stop it. HE did not want to stop it!

Greg, hiding his complexion by make up and clothes to hide the fact that he had not eaten anything for the past two days, looked at the group with his lucky go smile before seeing a flash of worry across their faces. Could they know? He thought before walking to the lab. It didn't matter. No matter what they did now, he'd die sooner or later. He smiled before getting to work on the samples that Sara and Grissom needed before the end of shift.

He marked off the calender, his hands shaking to the point that the mark looked as if he was going into anapaleptic shock. He held the gun loosely in his hand before sitting at the counter. This was his second to last day. Tomorrow, if he lived, would be his end. And for now, he felt, he knew that his team had finally grasped some concept of his 'suicide'. His words, that day, were dead. THey held nothing, for that was what he felt like, nothing. The tears that came everynight were acid on his skin, making him call out in pain before looking at the silling.

"Naw, I really don't want to die here." he picked up his bag by his feet before pulling out the envelope addressed to the team. A thin smile left his face before he set it down. His coffee cup left to cool on the table before he started whispering more of the chorus.

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

He giggled. It was true. This song matched him perfectly. 'Numb' matched how he was feeling everyday. He chuckled before looking over the table and nodding in satisfaction, quickly left to his room. He would crawl there later like he did every night... after each attmpet.

"I give up."

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

Greg watched as he opened the door before picking up his cell phone from the dresser that was half destroyed. He lost his templer last night and no one even cared. He blinked before looking at his hands as they dialed a number that he knew so well; Nick's.

Lifting it to his head he began to sing softly, "But I do not want to be afraid I do not want to die inside just to breathe in I'm tired of feeling so numb Relief exists I found it when I was cut." He heard the click that told him that Nick had picked up.

"Hey G, something up?" He asked, slurring in accent. It seemed he had woken up due Greg's call.

"Sorry, I don't know why I called." Greg said, his voice shacky. He heard the silence over the phone. The tention was clear.

"G, what's wrong?" Nick seemed more alert now then he had at first.

"I-I-" the tears cracked down as he just remembered the title of the song that had plaged him for the last few days. "Plumb... It was THAT BAND!" Greg screamed in the phone, tempted to throw it away before setting the gun gently on the bed before walking to his ipod boom box and pulling out his ipon from his pants pocket.

"Greg, what are you talking about...." Nick said calmly, shuffling came threw the mouth peice on his side, saying he had moved. "GREG!" he screamed, trying to get his comrades attention.

"Sorry, Nick. I just remembered the name of the song that's been trapped in my mind for the last six days. Funny really, it matches how I feel perfectly..." He felt the tears falling as the music began to play. He placed the phone next to it for Nick to hear, speaking still, loud enough for the other man to hear. "I can't stand it, Nick, I mean... It hurts every day... You know, I KNOW you know..." Greg gasped before leaning his head back, allowing his right hand that no longer held the phone to run thew his hair that was oily and knotted every frew stands. "I can't stand it. I can't STAND IT ANYMORE. I keep trying every night and it doesn't happen. I-I..." He laughed, a dull dead sound that made the skin on his body shiver.

"Greg, what are you talking about? Please tell me what your saying?"

"NO!" Greg shouted "You wouldn't understand. I can't take it, ok, I can't take you. I can't take anything. I can't BREATHE anymore with you.. you..." His gasping tears made it hard before he picked up the gun, the woman whispering the last section of the song as he cocked the gun. "You don't understand how much I..."

"GREG, WHAT'S GOING ON!" Nick shouted, the fear evident in his voice.

"Simple Nicky, I'm going to kill myself." Greg laughed hystarically before pulling the trigger. It was empty, yet Nick, he knew, heard the snap.

"GREG STOP THIS NOW!" there was rushing and keys before a car starting on Nicks side.

"No Nick. For the last SIX days I've been trying to KILL MYSELF. I've been planing it since FEBURARY ELEVETH!" Greg screame before looked at the phone. "And tomorrow, it seems, was the day
I was going to die. Funny, huh, but I really don't want to wait that long...." He took a deep breath before continueing. "I can't feel anything anymore Nick, my heart, my emotions... anything... I haven't eaten for almost SIX DAYS. ALL I'VE HAD IS COFFEE." He screamed before cocking the gun once more. "IF I DIE, THEN I DIE. WHO CARES, HUH, I'M NOT ONE OF YOU... I CAN'T BE ONE OF YOU NICK, I ... I-I..." Greg cried louder before placing the gun under his chin again.

The music had finished a while ago but was now half way threw again... He was feeling so lone... There was relief when he 'cut'... and this relief would end today.

"I'm no alone Nick, I-I..." He smiled, he would be his last one. "I kinda like the meaning behind this song.. you'll find out why, just follow my notes, you'll find my reason..." THe last line came as Greg pulled the trigger.

THe resounding shot echo'd threw the reciever maing Nick feel sick. He heard the sound of Greg bodies crumbling to the floor, of his eyes looking at something, either horror or peace etched on his face.

Greg Called him in his final hours... Greg was begging him to tell him to live... Greg want to live, yet Nick didn't give him a reason to... He killed Greg... He allowed GREG TO DIE!!! HE DIDN'T NOTICE ANY OF THE SIGNS... and know Greg was dead. Nick listened to the music as he played and played. He didn't turne off his phone until he heard the Grissom's ring. The tears stung his face. He wouldn't answer, he wouldn't answer. He had to listen... Greg left the music on for him to listen to.

It took him a few minutes to hear the foot steps moving around on the other end of the phone... GREG?! His mind screamed, yet he knew for a fact that Greg was dead. He heard it, every single word... all of it... the song...

"There's a phone over here... It's on..." Nick blinked passed his daze before opening his mouth allowing a chocking sob to escape his mouth before he heard shouting. "SOMEONE'S ON THE OTHER LINE!" THere was movement before he heard Grissom's voice listening.

"Hello, who ever this is, tell us where you-"

"Grissom," Nick interupted, fighting back the beginnings of hystaria. "is Greg-"

"NICK!" Grissom yelled, shock evident over the phone. "Where are you, I'll send Brass over to get you. "Nick glanced around the car... that was right he was driving to save Greg, but he didn't make it, he was... where was he?

"I don't know... Greg... he called, he didn't seem right... I... I tried to stop him but..."Nick chocked as he swallowed the lump that began to claw at his thraot. "I couldn't stop him... he kept... I tried, I seariously did Gil, but..."

"I know, Nick." Grissom said calmly threw the choas that was behind him. "I know you tried, but at the moment we need to make sure your ok." Nick nodded taking his hands off the wheel before his eyes grew wide.

"Your turned off the song!" He screamed, feeling as if his mind was breaking with out it on. "TURN IT BACK ON!" His mind needed it... it was the only...

"NICK!" Nick looked up at the front window before swirling to the right. "What's happening!" Gil's voice cracked as he quickly turned on the music, feeling that this song was the best to keep Ncik from doing anything irrational.

"He left it on for me..." Nick whispered. "He left it on for me to learn, so... so that I could... learn... learn it." Nick mummbled incoharently before pulling off the high way. "I was going to stop him, but I didn't... I kept driving. I stopped."

He heard movement behind Grissom before he hear the change, "Nick, this is Brass. Tell me where you are." Where...

"I'm- I just pulled off the road to Gregs from my house." Brass nodded before handing the phone back to someone on his team.

"Nick, we-" Grissom began only to hear screaming "HE'S ALIVE"

Nick sat in the isolation room, the physcologist had bearly left a few minutes ago with a solome shack of his head before pulling Grissom and Brass into another room to tell them of what he thought and saw during his conversation.

"Nick." Warrick said as Cathine, Sara, and him entered the room. Their eyes red as they looked at their friend, his face stricken and pale. It had been two days since Greg was sent to the hosital and now that they were possitive he was going to live, they felt it was right to bring the evidence to the only 'witness'. The one Greg felt was more then enough to 'talk him out of it'.

"Hey, we thoguht it would be best if you knew somethings that we discovered." Cathrine said before sitting down and handing him the file. Nick scanned the page before lifting his eyes to look at them.

"How's Greg?" Sara smiled at this, there was some emotion in his voice for the first time since Brass picked him up from that day.

"He's going to make a full recovery." Warrick said, leaning ageinst the wall.

"Thats good, cause I need to talk to him." They all looked at each other before back at Nick. Worry etched on their faces.

"Nick, read the papers." Nick obliged. Opening the venila envelope did he see the suicide note. He quickly read it before feeling the stings of tears in his eyes. One on his friends was gay and he felt like no one would except him for it... Then he read the letter that was addressed to everyone.

"He wanted us all to know that he was sorry. He didn't want us to feel horrible about this..." Nick looked up at Warrick and the rest of the gang, Grissom walked into the room at this time.

"Then why did he call me? Why would be call me if he didn't want me to feel sorry for not TELLING ME! WHAT THE HECK IS THE POINT!" Nick yelled, standing up and slaming his hand onto the table. "I think that's pretty messed up, don't you!" Grissom looked at the hurt faces of his friends to Nick's clearly stressed and strained one.

"Nick, read the last note." He said calmly before looking at the tears that the texan fought . Nick compliade before sitting down and throwing the last page onto the floor. He looked at the letter that was appointed to him,

"Nick, I know when you read this, you might be beating your self up, but I can't help but tell you that I'm gay. Yeah, you probably already know that thanks to the guys, but the man I love is you. You know the funny thing is, this is easier to write then 'that' note. Funy huh. Also, If I did something stupid before the gun went off, I really don't think you should mind it, I mean, what I know is that I'll be losing all my resolve to live and to keep this secret. Oh, I have to tell you something else, I stole your shirt. You should find it somewhere at my place... That is if I didn't wear it when I blew my brains out. Oh, but I guess I'm done.
love you lots Nicky,
Greg."

Nick looked at the letter before smiling softly, dang, he should have known Greg stole his favorite shirt. After all, he was the only one who knew where Nick hide it.

"Nick?" Warrick asked, stepping away from the wall.

"Tell me, whats up with that shirt?" Cathrine asked, trying to see if this got any responce form Nick.

"He spilt coffee on it the first time he came to my place with beer."

Grissom raised an eyebrow before smiling, "You loved him to, didn't you."

Sara and Warrick looked at Nick shocked. Cat smiled, as if she had already knew.

"Yeah, I was planning on telling this month when we went back to work... it was going to be his last attempt... I didn't know that, but it was the first time I relised I loved him." Nick smile before looking at his team. He was cut, but Greg had also suffered due to that same deep blow to the heart.

"You can tell him then, Greg woke up a few minutes ago."

THE END

ALL FIXES WILL BE DONE AFTER MAY 22, 2009