A/N: Yes, this fic is a bit crack-ish...okay, a LOT crack-ish. But I can't be blamed since I'm on cold meds *g* I was bored during—err...between classes and decided to write something weird that involved a nutty Colonel and a sick Rodney for everyone out there who is stuck with a cold. Hopefully it'll make you smile.

STATUS: Complete

RATING: K+

SUMMARY: John Sheppard is on a mission—nay, a quest to find a scientist to go with him off-world since Rodney is sick. Hilarity ensues. Slight crack-fic.

SPOILERS: Nada

WARNINGS: Swearing. Our boys have quite the potty mouth sometimes.

DISCLAIMER: Everything Stargate Atlantis related is property of MGM. I own nothing.

x x x

Incomprehension (or 'John Sheppard's Quest to Find a Scientist to Go with His Premier Away Team and Look at Really Cool Ruins') by: Azure Lupis

x x x

"What do you mean, you're 'not going'?"

Rodney scowled at John Sheppard through watery, bloodshot eyes.

"Would you like me to draw you a picture? I'm—not—going—on—the—mission. Get Zelenka. He needs some off-world experience."

Not giving the Colonel a chance to respond, Rodney turned on his heel and stormed off down the hall. Well, it was more of a half-hearted shuffle then anything. Not to be deterred, John jogged off after him.

"Aw, come on, Rodney. You'll be fine! It's a milk run mission—"

"Oh, please," Rodney interrupted with an eye roll, not stopping. "You know better then I do that our 'milk run' missions always turn into something out of an Underworld movie. And if you missed the reference, that means they get really bad." A pause. "Although, if Kate Beckinsale was there..."

"It's the Pegasus Galaxy. You never know," John tempted with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Rodney stared.

"You actually think that works, don't you?"

"I'll tell you if you say you'll come on the mission."

"No."

"The villagers will probably be nice. Pretty girls..."

"No, Colonel."

"Feasts..."

"No, Sheppard."

"Alright, look. Teyla said that the last time she was there, she saw ruins on the hills across from the village."

"I said, no—wait, what?"

Rodney stopped and turned around abruptly, not caring that John had to throw on the brakes and stop inches away from him. The scientist opened his mouth, paused, and then frantically started waving his hands.

John blinked, taking a step back.

"Err...you alright, Rod--"

McKay cut him off with an explosive sneeze, luckily turning away from John at the last minute. Passers-by in the corridor jumped back to flatten themselves against the walls, only hesitantly continuing on once the danger of a second sneeze had passed.

"Eugh," Rodney moaned thickly, his nose completely clogged. "No amount of ruins could possibly be worth dragging me out into the cold. Sorry, Colonel. Get Zelenka." Turning away, he headed off back down the corridor, swerving like a drunk driver as he miserably searched his pockets for a tissue.

Sheppard sighed, watching until Rodney was out of view. Just as he turned to go inform Weir, another sneeze echoed loudly, yelps and moans of dismay following. He grinned. The scientist never did things in halves, did he?

x x x

Scientists Asked: 01

"What do you mean, you 'don't want to go'?"

John scowled, starting to get rather irritated. Since when was it so difficult to find a willing scientist to go off-world with the premier away team and look at really cool ruins?

Zelenka spared him an absent glance before his attention was back on the laptop.

"I'm sorry, Colonel, but with Rodney sick, I have much work to do. Perhaps Doctor Kusanagi would be willing?"

John sighed mournfully.

"Kusanagi is scared of her own shadow." He glanced over his shoulder towards said woman. "No offence."

Miko shook her head hastily, eyes wide.

"No offence taken, Colonel."

"What about Kavanagh?" Radek suggested, fingers flying across the keys.

John stared.

"Don't think so, doc. Who's contestant number three?"

This time it was Radek's turn to sigh. Grabbing a tablet, he brought up the roster of scientists and thrust it at Sheppard.

"Here, Colonel. You pick lucky person yourself so I can get back to work, yes?"

"No need to get all touchy..." John said as he eagerly took the offered tablet. He stared down at it with reverence. This tablet was his only hope. It was his list of (hopefully) willing and curious geeks. It was his holy grail. His, dare he say—Hail Mary? His eyes narrowed in determination.

"Let's do this."

Radek and Miko stared as the Colonel shot out of the lab, the man probably running in time to some sort of dramatic background theme in his head.

"...when did Teyla say she last saw those ruins?" Radek asked absently as he watched the previously occupied chair spin wildly on the spot.

"When she was seven," Miko answered, peering over the top of her computer.

Radek nodded, the chair slowing to a stop.

"Yes, is what I thought."

x x x

Later...

Scientists Asked: 10

"Oh, come on. What do you mean, 'you can't go'?"

John knew he was desperate, but he didn't know he was that desperate. He was asking a botanist, for heaven's sake!

With an apologetic smile, Doctor Parrish shrugged and snapped the locks home on his black case.

"Sorry, Colonel."

John was really starting to get tired of being apologized to.

"But I already agreed to go off-world with Major Lorne and his team," the scientist continued, unaware of John's sudden eye twitch.

What?

"What..." John muttered darkly.

As if on cue, the door to the Botany lab slid open and Lorne walked in.

"All set to go, Doc?" When he noticed Sheppard, Lorne straightened and nodded. "Hey, sir. Any luck finding a geek to go with you?"

John stared at Lorne almost manically, suddenly wishing it were possible to hate someone to death.

"No," he answered snappishly, clutching the tablet at his side. "No, I haven't. Don't fall in any ravines, Major..." With that last bit of helpful advice, John huffed and stormed out of the lab, leaving Lorne and Parrish staring with wide eyes in his wake.

"...was it something I said?" questioned Lorne, glancing at the botanist.

Parrish shrugged.

"One too many hits in the gluteus maximus by angry villagers apparently."

"That was McKay actually."

"Oh, right..."

x x x

Later...

Scientists Asked: 15

"Oh, for—what do you mean, 'fine'?!"

A pause.

"Wait, what?"

John stared at Doctor Kavanagh, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Another pause.

"Forget it," John decided as he slowly backed up towards the lab door. It swished open behind him. Seconds later, he was out down the hall. Waiting for the other shoe to drop would have just distracted him the whole time.

Back in the lab, Kavanagh scowled. The one time he decided to take Kate Heightmeyer's advice and agree to help someone...

x x x

Later...

Scientists Asked: 23

"You—what? Really? You mean you'll come with me?"

Doctor Corrigan nodded, an amused smile on his face. Oh, he had heard all about John's quest for a scientist...

"Yes, of course. I'm an archaeologist. Why wouldn't I want to come?"

John beamed. His quest was finally complete.

"Although, I need you to do something for me in return."

A dark look replaced the hundred watt smile.

"What sort of something..." John asked warily, leaning his hip against the nearest desk and crossing his arms.

"Well, Katie Brown is sick and I promised I would re-pot and water her, uh...seedlings."

John stared.

"Why the hell would she ask you to do that?"

At that, Corrigan flushed slightly.

"Well, I might...err...have an interest in Botany..."

Even though John suspected that while Corrigan said 'Botany' he probably meant 'Katie Brown', he just nodded and pushed away from the desk.

"Alright, fine. I can re-pot plants."

"And water them."

"And water them."

"That's great," Corrigan said with a grin. "So, you'll have to go to Doctor Jones for the soil. She has it all on the West pier. Something about her hybrids needing 'all the soil they can get'."

"Doctor Jones. Got it. Thanks a million!"

Corrigan watched as John bolted out of the lab. Just as he returned to his laptop, John stuck his head back into the room.

"Don't go anywhere, Doc..." he advised darkly, face completely serious for a minute before he grinned, waved, and left.

Corrigan stared, wondering just what he got himself into.

'Although, maybe the Colonel should be thinking the same thing.'

x x x

Scientists Asked: 23 – Winner – Corrigan

Mission to Re-Pot (and water) plants: IN PROGRESS

"Doctor Jones!"

Jessica Jones nearly fell off her perch on top of the ladder, her head in the Lantean air vents. Gripping onto the siding, she ducked down and stared at Colonel Sheppard between her legs.

"Can I help you, Colonel? After nearly killing me..." she added in a mutter.

"Why, yes, you can!" John replied, slapping on his patented winning smile.

Doctor Jones wasn't amused. Or impressed.

"And what's this amazing task I can do for you?"

"I have to re-pot and water Katie Brown's seedlings for her. Well, for Corrigan actually—but anyways, I need the soil you have on the West Pier."

"Sorry, no can do, Colonel," came the prompt answer before Jones stuck her head back into the vent.

John stared, his eye twitch starting up again.

"And why not, may I ask?"

"Because my scatrat got into the vents somehow and I need to get the poor thing back, that's why."

"What the hell is a scatrat?" asked Sheppard with a bewildered expression.

Jones sighed and looked back down at him.

"It's a rat type creature from M7Y 223 that, well...scats. Very quickly, actually. I just don't have the time to go all the way down to the West Pier for some soil." A pause. "But if someone were to, oh, I don't know...get my scatrat back..."

It didn't take a rocket scientist to see where that was going.

"Alright," John said with a large sigh. "Which way did it go?"

Jones grinned and jumped down off the ladder.

"It went left, but after that, I have no idea. You'll be able to follow it though, don't worry."

John was almost scared to ask just how he would be able to follow it.

So he didn't.

"Yeah, alright...let's get this done with then." Slapping a manly look onto his face, the Colonel climbed the ladder and slid into the vent. 'McKay would have a field day in here...' he thought wryly as he started squirming his way forward. It didn't take long for his black clothes to turn grey.

Once he (somehow) got around the left turn, he paused and glanced around. Which way would he go now?

A bright purple something caught his eye. It sat a few inches away from him, about the size of a quarter. Raising an eyebrow, John reached out a squashed arm to give the thing a prod. It squished against his finger. John achieved two results from his 'experiment': One, it was still warm. And two, 'Ew!'

"Well, that's lovely," he muttered, forcing himself to buck up and continue on wiggling forward.

x x x

Scientists Asked: 23 – Winner – Corrigan

Mission to Re-Pot (and water) plants: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Scatrat back: IN PROGRESS

The marine stared at the ceiling as something banged and cursed above him. Here he was, innocently on his way to the gate room, and he was about to be attacked by some...thing.

Something that had a pretty good grasp of human swearing.

Gripping his P-90, he raised it to the vent grille, eyes narrowed. A grey shape tumbled out onto the floor seconds later.

The marine blinked, eyeing the grey blob.

"Colonel?"

John jumped to his feet, slapping a stern look onto his face. Usually it was rather intimidating, but in this case...

"Err...why are you grey and purple, sir?"

Resisting the urge to run a hand through his hair, John increased the frown and said, "That's none of your business, Lieutenant. Carry on."

"Uh...yes, sir."

The Lieutenant cast another curious look over his Commanding Officer before booking it out of the corridor.

As soon as he was alone, John wildly swatted at his hair. Dust flew everywhere, but at least his hair was black again.

"Alright, onto problem number two."

John had gone as far as he could in the vent until he had been forced to get out and drop into the corridor. The scatrat had scatted itself through another, much smaller grille and had then promptly fallen into the next room.

John eyed the door that was between him and his target.

"Let's do this."

He passed a hand over the sensor.

Nothing happened.

He tried four more times.

Nothing.

His eye twitched.

"DAMN IT!"

Nearby in the mess hall, everyone looked up from their plates with raised eyebrows.

"The Colonel's losing it," someone said conversationally from behind Rodney.

"He's not the only one," Rodney complained loudly as he dabbled carefully at his red nose.

He had been standing in line for over an hour. An hour! All he wanted was some damned blue Jell-O to take back to his quarters and eat in misery.

"McKAY!"

Rodney dropped his head down with a mournful sigh. Seconds later, he narrowed his eyes. No. He wanted his Jell-O. The Colonel could take a flying—

"McKay! I need you to fix that damned door for me!" John yelled as he stormed into the mess hall and over to his scientist.

Crossing his arms, Rodney jutted out his chin and tried to look intimidating. It didn't really work considering he had a large woven blanket (courtesy of Teyla) wrapped around him like a burrito.

"No, Colonel. I'm not leaving my spot. I've been in this stupid line for, well...EVER because those idiots in the kitchen don't know what they're doing!"

"Hey!" An affronted looking corporal wearing an apron and wielding a spatula stuck his head out of the back room. "We're having some technical issues back here, Doctor. Be patient!"

"Yeah, yeah..." Rodney muttered, looking highly disgusted as he turned away from the corporal. Huddling in his blanket, he glanced over at Sheppard and did a double take. "What the—why are you grey and purple?"

"Don't ask," John answered with a growl. "Just help me open that stupid door."

Rodney stared at him through half-open eyes, mouth open a few inches so he could breathe.

"Okay, firstly, what door? And secondly, not until I get my Jell-O!"

"Jell-O...you want your freakin' Jell-O? Fine! You'll get your damned Jell-O!"

Rodney blinked, sleepily watching as John stormed off around the buffet line and into the kitchen.

The scientist behind Rodney hummed.

"Is he allowed to do that?"

"Who cares? I'll get my Jell-O."

x x x

Scientists Asked: 23 – Winner – Corrigan

Mission to Re-Pot (and water) plants: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Scatrat back: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Rodney's Jell-O: IN PROGRESS

x x x

Much, MUCH later...

Scientists Asked: 23 – Winner – Corrigan

Mission to Re-Pot (and water) plants: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Scatrat back: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Rodney's Jell-O: IN PROGRESS

Mission to fix Ancient fridge: IN PROGRESS

Mission to finish Zelenka's paperwork: IN PROGRESS

Mission to convince Kate Heightmeyer of Kavanagh's social competence: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Weir's name on 'He's Socially Competent!' list for said scientist: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Caldwell to stop intruding on Atlantis Jurisdiction: IN PROGRESS (HOW?!)

Mission to get Hermiod to wear pants: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get Novak to make said pants: IN PROGRESS

Mission to get new issues of Cosmo: IN PROGRESS

x x x

"Colonel? I didn't think you were on the list of returning personnel."

John heaved a sigh, his normally surprised hair rather droopy.

"Sir, I have a favour to ask," he said to General Landry seriously. "I need new issues of Cosmo."

The General stared at him, wondering if his brightest pilot had finally gone off the deep end.

"I'm sure Colonel Carter has some..." he answered slowly as if waiting for the punch line.

John grinned, hair once again defying gravity.

"Thank God!"

x x x

"Novak! Here's your Cosmo! Pants! Now!"

"Uh—(hiccup)—r-right away, sir."

x x x

"Hermiod! Pants! Wear them!"

"...what..."

x x x

"Sir, Hermiod's wearing pants! With all due respect, get your nose out of our affairs!"

"Understood, Colonel."

x x x

"Elizabeth! Sign! Caldwell's agreed!"

"Excellent, Colonel."

x x x

"Doc, I've got over fifty names—including Weir's—who agree that Kavanagh's socially competent!"

"Really? You learn something every day."

x x x

"Kavanagh! You're officially socially competent! Now help me with Zelenka's work, damn it!"

A sigh.

"Fine."

x x x

"Paperwork's done. Fix fridge!"

"Of course, Colonel."

x x x

"Corporal! Zelenka fixed your fridge! Now make some damned Jell-O!"

"Right away, sir. Any specific kind?"

"BLUE!"

x x x

"Rodney! Jell-O!"

"Finally!"

"Now open the damned door!"

"Alright, alright. But there's something you should know..."

"Don't care. Door. Now."

x x x

"Jones! Here's your scatthing! Give soil!"

"Alright, alright! Took you long enough...Hey! The scatrat's dead, Colonel!"

x x x

"Corrigan!"

The archaeologist looked up as the lab door slid open to reveal a droopy looking, grey and purple (and green and brown from the re-potting incident), paper cut, ink stained, pinpricked and—was that lipstick?—Lieutenant Colonel.

His mouth dropped open.

"Oh...wow. Colonel. What happened to you?"

John scowled.

"The question is, what DIDN'T happen to me?! Look, that doesn't matter right now. Just pack your damn bags and get in the Jumper."

"Oh? Where are we going?"

The famous eye twitch.

"To...the...ruins!"

Corrigan blinked.

"Actually, while you were away on the Daedalus, the Wraith culled the planet. The ruins are gone. As a matter of fact, we don't know if they were even there to begin with. See, Teyla didn't actually see them since she was seven. Quite fascinating that—Colonel? Are...are you alright?"

John stood stalk still, eyes narrowed and, yes...twitching.

"...what..."

"Err, perhaps you should go see Doctor McKay."

Before he could retort, a sneeze exploded from John.

"Uh...make that Doctor Beckett."

"DAMN IT!"

x x x

MISSION REPORT – LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD

Scientists Asked: 23 – Winner – Corrigan

Mission to Re-Pot (and water) plants: COMPLETE

Mission to get Scatrat back: COMPLETE

Mission to get Rodney's Jell-O: COMPLETE

Mission to fix Ancient fridge: COMPLETE

Mission to finish Zelenka's paperwork: COMPLETE

Mission to convince Kate Heightmeyer of Kavanagh's social competence: COMPLETE

Mission to get Weir's name on 'He's Socially Competent!' list for said scientist: COMPLETE

Mission to get Caldwell to stop intruding on Atlantis Jurisdiction: COMPLETE

Mission to get Hermiod to wear pants: COMPLETE

Mission to get Novak to make said pants: COMPLETE

Mission to get new issues of Cosmo: COMPLETE

Mission to go to ruins on M3E 229: GODDAMN FAILURE

-Elizabeth,

(words smudged by blood, sweat, and tears)

...and as such: NEVER AGAIN.

-John Sheppard

x x x

A/N: hoo-boy, just don't ask *g*