In Search of Myself

by Nameless Dreamer (as modified by Starway Man)

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, they all belong to Joss Whedon and the PTBs.

Email: [email protected]

Rating: PG-13.

Category: AU, Buffy/Angel crossover, Action-adventure.

Setting: This fanfic starts towards the end of 'The Zeppo' (S3), just after Jack disables the bomb.

Author's Notes: This is my first story. After lurking for months on the Net I figured I'd give writing a try. Any replies are greatly appreciated.

4/24 – Starway Man was gracious enough to go through this for me and fix up the grammar and improve some scenes.  I have to say I'm very impressed with what he did.

Acknowledgments: Credit to Psyche's Buffy Transcripts, I never would've been able to write this without them.

Summary: Xander's life falls apart after the events of 'The Zeppo'. And two years later, he must face his own demons to help save the world.

"Without failure there can be no success"- John Washington Carver

Part 1: Questions and Insecurities (set during BTVS season 3, 'The Zeppo')

"I don't think I wanna be seeing you on campus anymore, Jack."

And with that, Xander Harris turned around and walked away. For a moment he could've sworn he heard the defeated psycho Jack O'Toole yell or scream, but at that point he didn't care.

It had been one hell of a night for Xander. He found it ironic that Buffy and the others didn't want him getting hurt, and yet he'd now gotten more involved with the Slayage activities than he had in weeks.

And they'll never know...he mused to himself.

He was so deep in thought walking in the hallway towards the exit, that he didn't even notice one of the Sisterhood of Jhe demons coming through the entrance to the high school.

Of course, Faith might blab about some of it, but that part might not be such a bad thing...

The demon looked at Xander, and let out a loud growl.

Man, I can't wait to see Cordy's face when she finds out...what was that?

Xander looked up, and saw a demon with a very pissed-off look in its eyes and several bruises on its face.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where he had seen it before; it was the demon he'd run over, saving Faith the vampire Slayer earlier that night. And now, it was a mere five feet in front of him.

"Ah, crap. Listen, about earlier, you're still not angry about that – are you? Can't we just let bygones be bygones here?"

The demon lunged at Xander. He just barely sidestepped it.

"Guess not..."

Seeing a clear path to the exit, Xander made a mad dash for the door. Just before he made it though, the demon caught up to him. It pulled him around and slashed at his forehead, and then punched him in the face.

The blow was so forceful, it knocked him to the ground. Xander could barely see, as blood from the gash on his forehead dripped into his eyes. He didn't even know where the demon was, much less where he could run.

Fortunately for him, he didn't have to.

Xander heard something coming toward him. The demon suddenly cried out in pain, and then all he heard was something hitting the ground.

The boy managed to wipe enough of the blood away, to see something large and deadly sticking out of the demon's torso.

"Xander!"

It was Buffy Summers, the other Slayer, about 20 feet down the hall. She ran to him, and looked him over. Xander was hurt; his face was in bad shape. The blonde girl pulled a cloth out of her pocket, and tried to stop the bleeding from his forehead.

"Buffy? Where? How did you...?" Needless to say, with the battle going on in the library, he'd never expected anyone to find him until it was too late.

"I heard something, and when I came out I saw that thing giving you a dead body makeover. Let's get you to Giles. Can you walk?"

"I think so...just..." Xander got up, and walked into a locker. He still couldn't see very well. "Ouch!"

Buffy grabbed Xander by the hand. "C'mon, lemme help you."

***

Twenty minutes later in the charred war zone that was the remains of the library, Giles was bandaging Xander's forehead. Having washed out the blood in his eyes, the teenager saw what a pounding his fellow Scoobies had taken.

Shelves and books were thrown about all over the place. Everyone looked ragged; Willow Rosenberg, Xander's oldest friend, was slumped in a chair, looking like she was about to pass out from exhaustion.

Faith and Angel, the souled vamp who was technically a good guy, were in the corner. Their clothes were torn, and stained with blood.

Buffy was pacing back and forth behind Rupert Giles, her former Watcher, with a look of half-worry and half-anger at Xander.

Thankfully, the massive cut was only superficial and the bleeding soon stopped. Giles was finishing with the ad hoc medical treatment on Xander when he said, "There. How's that?"

"It's OK. Thanks, G-man. Well, with this cut I guess I can forget about my modeling aspirations, huh?"

The joke didn't help. The others were trying to figure why in God's name Xander was being this stupid. Buffy piped up first, exploding at the poor Zeppo.

"God, what were you thinking? Do you have any idea how lucky you were tonight?"

Xander instantly got defensive. "Wait a sec. Buffy, you're not gonna believe this but..." he never got to finish, as Buffy interrupted.

"No. No wisecracks. No excuses. No nothing! You nearly got yourself killed! We told you how many times to not get involved," Buffy threw her arms up in the air, "but noooo, you had to show up!"

What Buffy said next shocked Xander to the core.

"Xander, you can't keep doing this. If you got seriously hurt, or worse yet killed...look, you're just not cut out for this. I think you should stop helping us."

Giles felt it necessary to add his opinion; "I have to agree with Buffy on this, uh, perhaps it's for the best..."

Saying Xander was stunned was an understatement. After a taking a few seconds to let it sink in, the shocked expression on his face turned into an angry one.

"So that's it? You're kicking me out of the group permanently?!"

Willow got up from her chair and tried to console him, "Xander, we just don't want you getting hurt..."

It didn't work.

They have got to be kidding! If it wasn't for me, that bomb would've killed everyone in here – and they won't even listen to my side of the story? What, do they think I'm completely useless or something? I can't believe this!

Buffy, Giles and Willow all made their wishes clear. Faith and Angel didn't, but the look on their faces showed a silent agreement with Buffy.

Xander knew then, that he couldn't win this argument.

"Fine. I get the picture." And with that, he got up and started to walk out

"Xander, you're in bad shape, maybe I should drive you home..."

The boy pretended not to hear Giles. After that discussion, he wanted none of their pity.

Watching Xander storm out made Buffy look towards the floor, as if she were second-guessing her decision.

Angel came over to her, and put his hand on her shoulder. "You did the right thing. He'll understand that, sooner or later."

Buffy looked up at her beloved. "I hope so, I'd never forgive myself if something happened to him..."

***

The rest of the night, Xander spent in his room going over previous events. Like a scorecard in his mind, he was trying to prove to himself he did belong.

What about the night the Master killed Buffy? Or the thing with the Judge? Well, there was that time with Ms. French – but that was at the beginning, so it doesn't really count...

I've been a part of this for 2 ½ years. They need me. Don't they?

After hours of thinking things over and over again, he passed out on his bed. All Xander could dream about was Cordelia Chase, his vindictive ex-girlfriend, mocking him the day before:

"It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers -- Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires -- and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen."

"Xander, you're the, the *useless* part of the group. You're the Zeppo."

"Right. Buffy needs your help. Can you say 'expendable'?"

After waking up the next morning, Xander still felt like crap. This day was starting out as bad as the previous one.

Even my own subconscious is against me...

Only now, there was a massive bruise on his right jaw, to go along with the humiliation and rejection he was feeling. Xander desperately wanted to talk to somebody, even his folks.

But his Mom had already left for work, and he could tell his Dad hadn't come home last night. Again. Not that it surprised the young teen; it had been days since he'd last seen them, let alone tell them he was hurting.

"It figures. Is a hello or a how are you too much to ask?" the boy mumbled to himself, as he walked out the door.

Arriving at school, Xander made it a point to avoid Buffy and the others. He still needed time to blow off steam, and didn't feel like talking to the gang. He caught sight of them in front of the main entrance, so he went into school through the cafeteria door.

So, now I'm avoiding my friends. Wait a minute...it's Thursday. Oh no, I have two tests today! And I'm actually passing one of those classes! Ah, no...could my day get any worse?

At that point, Murphy's Law decided to show Xander it could.

Principal Snyder appeared, and grabbed his arm. With a sneer on his face he barked, "My office. Now!"

***

"From the moment I first met you, Harris, I knew you were trouble. I just never figured you were so stupid as to try something like this..."

With that, Snyder took a videotape off his desk and put it in the VCR in his office. Xander was shocked to see the encounter between himself and Jack in the boiler room last night, playing back on the monitor.

It showed the confrontation, all the way up to Jack starting to leave the boiler room. The door flew open, and then the video went snowy. Much to Xander's dismay it was only video, no sound to vindicate him.

"The hidden camera was installed, because someone was stealing supplies from the basement. But I never expected this to occur! Needless to say, after I watched that fiasco I saw what was down there and I got the idea. The stuff you brought over last night was going to be used to detonate a bomb!"

Xander wasn't about to go down without a fight. "Now wait a sec! It was Jack..."

Snyder cut him off, "Yeah, yeah, O'Toole was part of this – but he's not here. You are. And I refuse to let you weasel your way outta this one, Harris. As of right now, you're expelled!"

What?!

The smirk on Snyder's face was too much to bear.

How the hell did it come to this? Expelled? Plus nobody trusts me anymore, and since when does everyone I care about think they know what's best for me? What did I do to deserve this?

Of course the troll that was Snyder wasn't finished, "At least, now everyone will know how much of a piece of trash you are! You'll never amount to anything after this, Harris."

That last line hit closer to home than Snyder ever imagined.

So, they all think I'm worthless?

At that point, something snapped in Xander Harris' mind. If they didn't want to care about his feelings, then he didn't want to care about any of theirs.

Not Buffy, or any of the others; he was so angry right now, they could all burn in Hell and he wouldn't care.

Xander was snapped out of his deep thoughts by more verbal abuse. "Nothing to say, Harris? No wiseass comments at last?"

All the anger of the last few days built up in Xander – and unluckily for Snyder, he was the closest person to lash out at.

"Fuck you!!"

With that, Xander threw a hard punch at Snyder. The ugly little troll fell to the ground, out like a light with blood dripping out of his nose.

After a few seconds, Xander took stock of his situation. He'd still be expelled, and now Snyder would also tack on an assault charge on top of that.

He doubted anyone would believe his side of the story; why would they, if even his so-called friends hadn't listened to him for days now?

In just 24 hours, everything he had worked so hard for had fallen apart like a house of cards. Was that all he was?

No.

He could be his own man.

Without relying on anyone.

His mind was made up, but Xander knew he couldn't stay in Sunnydale anymore. He found it ironic that last night, he'd felt like he could beat anything, and now he had to run.

With that, the former Zeppo calmly walked out of Snyder's office and then out of the school. Cordelia saw him on the school grounds, and felt like throwing one more verbal jab at him.

"Oooh, look, it's Mr. Excitement. On another life-or-death doughnut mission, or are we just cruising for bimbos again, giving them lessons in lack of cool?"

Xander couldn't believe her; he just smiled as he walked by, wondering what he'd ever seen in the brunette bitch.

"What? What?"

But Xander just kept walking. He leaped into his uncle's convertible, and backed out of the parking lot. The music on the radio seemed to be the only thing that agreed with him, on his way out.

I'm gonna run
I'm gonna win
I'm gonna do
What I need to do
'Cause it's time to be
What I need to be
It's time to be
What I need to be

You can't tell me
What to do anymore
You can't tell me
What to do anymore
Now I'm free
Now I'm free
Now I'm free

***

It was a sunny day, 68 degrees on March 12, 1999 at 8:47 a.m. – when the population of Sunnydale fell by one.