I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean

"Holy shit!" Roberts glanced back and winced when he saw the ship pursuing them. "What the hell, man? Why are we being chased?"

"We tried to rob a bunch of pirates," Wesley stated.

"Damn it!" Roberts swore. "Robot Scotty!"

"Here sir!" came the heavily accented reply as an older, white haired pirate popped out of the trapdoor leading to the engine room.

"Scotty, we'll need everything you've got."

"Aye. Warp drive. . ." a small white object slashed through the air and slammed into Scotty's head. He lost his grip and felt back into the trapdoor.

"Scotty! They killed Robot Scotty!" Roberts howled.

"I'm not quite dead," Scotty managed from somewhere inside engine room.

"All hands, get down!" Roberts ordered. "They must have some kind of long-range, precision anti-personnel. . ."

"Golf ball," Wesley cut in.

"What?"

"Golf ball," Wesley repeated, holding up the small white ball.

"No way," Roberts stated. "There is just no way. . ." another white blur shot past Robert's head and struck Wesley in the knee. Roberts managed to catch it as it rebounded at him. It was indeed a golf ball. "Huh." He glanced back at the other ship. "This has been the strangest day."

(:ii:)

"Fire three!" Shinji swung and connected cleanly. "Miss again," Asa reported. "You're getting worse."

"I am totally loosing my buzz!" Shinji growled. "Greaves! Fire a warning shot across her nose!" The Bofors barked and a tower of water geysered in front of pirate ship. "Careful you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it!"

"Sorry sir, I'm doing my best!" Greaves called back as he fired another shot that landed way too close for comfort.

"Who made that man a gunner?" Shinji grumbled.

"I did sir," Reinhardt stated. "He's my cousin!"

"Who is he?" Shinji asked Asa, wondering just who Reinhardt thought he was to assign positions.

"He's an asshole sir," Asa replied.

"Are you idiots going to do this whole skit?" Yuki cut in.

"What skit?" Shinji asked. Yuki just stared at him in disbelief. "Keep firing asshole!"

"Idiots," Yuki grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. Shinji shrugged and dug out another golf ball. "Do you guys really think they'll lead us to the pirates that have our princess?"

"Maybe," Shinji replied. "If not, just think of this as being all in good fun."

"For who?"

"Well, us of course. Getting shot at is hardly fun."

"They're putting up a smoke screen!" Shinji glanced back to the boat and cursed as he saw smoke pouring from the aft of the other ship.

"Morgan! Can you track them?"

"My radar is still being jammed," Morgan reported.

"Fuck! Pirates with a smoke screen. You no good, Scooby Do-ripping off bastards!"

(:ii:)

Morgan stared out the window and cursed. She couldn't see anything through the fog and her radar was still blurry. She was also becoming more and more leery of any possible presents left behind by their prey. "I'm calling it," she announced over the PA system.

"Fuck!" Shinji dropped down from the top of the wheelhouse and stalked in.

"I'm not risking my ship, Ikari."

"Your boat, your rules," Shinji replied peaceably. "I just hate giving up a chase."

"So, what's the plan now?" Morgan asked.

"I guess we have to head to the research station," Shinji stated. "Well, at least we know the pirates are still in this general area."

"I suppose," Morgan replied. "By the by, did any of that strike you as weird?"

"Compared to?"

"I don't know, your regular jobs?"

"Nope," Shinji replied. "That actually rates about a two on my weird shit meter."

"A two out of what?"

"Two out of ten," Shinji stated.

"I'd hate to see a ten," Morgan replied.

"A ten would be the mountains over Macho Grande."

"Over Macho Grande?" Morgan asked.

"No, I don't think any of us will ever be over Macho Grande," Shinji stated solemnly.

(:ii:)

"There's a ship coming!" Makoto Hyuga glanced up from his book and sighed in annoyance.

"Anybody we know?" he asked.

"Nope," Makoto's aide stated. Makoto set down his book and climbed to his feet.

"Have you tried the hailing freaks?"

"Yes," Freddy stated. "They aren't responding." Makoto sighed again and moved to Freddy's work station. On the screen a large sailing craft with a mounted anti-aircraft cannon was approaching the station.

"Bloody pirates."

"What should we do?" Freddy asked.

"Bend over and kiss your ass good bye," Makoto grumbled. "I thought this was supposed to be an easy assignment." Suddenly the radio crackled to life.

"Attention research station, this is Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary! Stand by to be boarded!"

"Mercenaries," Makoto stated blankly. He had half been expecting ninjas.

"Is that better than pirates, or worse?" Freddy asked.

"I have no idea," Makoto stated. "The man's an Ikari though."

"What's that mean?"

"Things are probably about to get worse."

(:ii:)

"This place looks familiar."

"Yeah, it does," Shinji replied as he studied the research station. "Where have we seen this place before?"

"It's Aquatica!" Shinji glanced over his shoulder and stared at Morgan. She composed herself quickly. "You know, from that movie. The one where the guy's hat is like a shark's fin." Shinji glanced back at the research station.

"Oh yeah. I remember that one. They killed the guy from the snake movie."

"Which snake movie?" Asa asked.

"The one with the snakes on a plane," Shinji stated. "What was the name of that one?"

"Snakes on a plane?" Asa repeated.

"Yeah," Shinji stated. "Can you remember the title?"

"Nope."

"This is going to bug me until I remember," Shinji grumbled. He glanced back at the station. "What did they do at Aquatica?"

"They made super smart sharks," Reinhardt answered.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Shinji scooped up a big HELLHOUND grenade and slipped it into his SCAR's launcher. "I hate sharks."

"I thought you just hated water," Asa commented, "what with that nasty habit of floundering about and trying to breathe it."

"Shut up," Shinji ordered. "Do I mock your fear of flight?"

"Constantly."

"Oh, yeah." The bow of the ship nudged up against a mooring and Shinji hopped over onto the dock with his team hot on his heels. "Where is everybody?"

"Maybe the sharks got them," Mao stated. A mechanical whir filled the air and Shinji watched as a large pair of doors opened. "Guess not." A single man strolled out of the elevator and made his way over.

"Hey Shinji." Shinji stared at the man.

"Aoba?" The man faltered and nearly stumbled into one of the tanks on either side of the walkway.

"No," he stated. "The other one."

"You are so not Ibuki."

"Hyuga! I'm Makoto Hyuga!" the man snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Come on! I was friends with Misato!"

"Oh, yeah, you." Shinji could not recall for the life of him. "Hey, you remember the title of that movie with the snakes on a plane?"

"Snakes on a plane?" Makoto asked. "What kind of premise is that?"

"A cheesy one," Asa stated. "You know him, Boss?"

"Sure, that's Makoto! I used to work with him back at. . ." he trailed off as he came to a sudden realization. "Damn it. We got duped into doing NERV's dirty work."

"Again?" Asa asked.

"Again," Shinji confirmed. He glanced over the side of the walkway and scowled as a massive shark swam by, rolling on its side to eye them as it went. "What do you guys do here?"

"Nothing," Makoto replied.

"Does it involve super smart sharks?" Shinji demanded.

"No, that's just silly!" Shinji glared at the man. "Okay, maybe a little. Now, what are you doing here?"

"Somebody hired us to rescue some chick that was kidnapped from here."

"Misato?" Makoto asked.

"I don't know," Shinji replied with a shrug. "Has she gone missing?"

"You could say that," Makoto stated. "You could also say that the pirates kidnapped her for ransom."

"The Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean?" Shinji asked.

"You met them?" Makoto asked.

"We chased them around for a while," Shinji stated. "Have they ever given you any trouble before?"

"No. Hell, they used to come here to party."

"What?"

"We have a shit load of geniuses on a research station in the middle of the ocean," Makoto stated simply. "What the hell else would they do in their free time other then find new ways of making booze?"

"You have booze?" Shinji demanded.

"Well, they took the stills when they nabbed Misato," Makoto stated. "We'd like those back too, you know, if you get the chance."

"Do you have any idea where they could be?" Yuki asked.

"If I had to guess, I'd say they're probably at their home base," Makoto replied.

"You know where their home base is?" Shinji demanded. Makoto shrugged. "Why the hell didn't you go get Misato back yourselves?"

"Hey man, we're lovers not fighters. Make peace and party hard."

"Fuck." Shinji massaged his temples in annoyance and frowned as he noticed the same shark swimming by again, still eyeing him. "Keep swimming Jabberjaw!" At the sight of his rifle, the shark quickly turned and swam away. "So, how smart are they?"

"Pretty smart."

"Let's get the fuck out of here."

(:ii:)

"They're so doomed," Yuki commented as she scanned the horizon for the pirate's stronghold.

"Like corporate drones in an office fire," Shinji confirmed as he lowered his binoculars. "Do you have an ETA, Morgan?"

"Five minutes," Morgan replied.

"Good, if my guys don't have anything to do, they tend to catch cabin fever real quick," Shinji commented.

"What are the symptoms?" Yuki asked.

"Spontaneous song and dance numbers," Shinji intoned seriously.

"I've got cabin fever!" someone cried from below on the deck.

"I've got it tooooooo!"

"No singing!" Morgan snapped. Everything fell mercifully silent. "My vessel has become a floating psycho ward."

"I'm. . .gonna go check on Kenny," Shinji stated. He stepped out of the wheelhouse and glanced up. "Hey Kenny, see anything?"

"Mrph!" Kenny replied from his sniper post atop the wheelhouse.

"Where?"

"Mrph!" Shinji raised his binoculars and looked in the direction Kenny had given him. "Mrph?"

"Yeah, I see it," Shinji stated. "Take out any sentries you see when we get into range, okay?"

"Mrph!" Shinji nodded to himself and descended to the deck.

"Greaves! Bofors!"

"Got it Boss!"

"So, are we attacking for the woman, or the stills?" Yuki asked.

"Can't it be both?"

"I should have expected that," Yuki grumbled. "Anyway, is she pretty?" Shinji glanced over at her. "What?"

"You have the libido of the thirteen year old boy," he stated.

"That's better than the body of a thirteen year old boy," Yuki countered as she leered and arched her back in order to make her breasts strain against her bikini top.

"True." Kenny's Barrett cracked and Yuki nearly jumped out of her skin.

"I take it you guys aren't going for a covert underwater insertion," Yuki commented.

"Shinji can't swin," Asa stated in passing.

"You can't swim?" Yuki asked.

"I can swim! I just don't like the water."

"Is 'don't like' a new way of saying 'utterly terrified?" Asa asked. "Frankly, I'm surprised we got you on the boat."

"You do know, we are flying home, right?" Shinji asked.

"You are," Asa replied.

"That's what you think," Shinji growled as he raised his binoculars again.

"What?"

"Nothing."

(:ii:)

"Go!" Shinji's team sprang over the side of the boat and landed lightly on the dock they had pulled up next to. The four men of his team charged up the dock, past the shattered remains of the sentries, towards the only building on the island.

Mao slapped a breaching charge against one wall and the team quickly stacked up at a safe standoff distance with Paulsen raising a Kevlar blanket. The blast lit and they charged in, only for Shinji to be promptly tackled to the floor.

"Shinji!"

"Misato?" Shinji stared at the purple-haired woman sitting on his chest.

"I knew they'd send you to rescue me!" Shinji couldn't think of anything to say and simply continued to stare at the woman.

"I think you broke him," Mao commented. "That's pretty damn impressive. I've seen him continue to run his trap in the face of hideous torture and possible nuclear annihilation."

"Misato?" Shinji asked again.

"There!" Roberts declared. "You have her back, now leave us alone!" Okay, now that made sense.

"So, you're giving her back so that we won't hurt you," Shinji stated as recognition dawned on him. "I can see that, but still, you guys are pretty lame kidnappers."

"We're not kidnappers!" Roberts declared. "We're pirates."

"Right, so you're pirates that kidnap people," Shinji interpreted.

"No, we're pirates who loot and pillage," Roberts clarified. "The kidnapping thing was her idea." Shinji stared at the suddenly sheepish Misato.

"You weren't supposed to tell him that," she commented.

"He wasn't supposed to be a heavily armed nutcase!" Roberts countered. Misato glanced back down and scratched the back of her head as she met Shinji's eye.

"Well. . .um. . .thanks for saving me?"

"This job just got to weird for me," Mao stated. "I'm going back to the fucking boat and we're going to Cuba for some booze." He started to the door and froze. "Wait, you're supposed to have NERV's stills! Where the fuck is the booze?"

"Yeah, about those stills," Roberts began, "we have no idea how they work."

"What?"

"Look, it's a nuclear-powered machine designed to make booze out of anything," Roberts replied. "We haven't tried anything with it since it turned Bob into booze."

"He was kind of tasty," one of the pirates commented.

"You drank some of Bob?" Roberts roared.

"It's what he would have wanted!" the pirate stated. Roberts pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Anyway, we only took them because we figured we couldn't go party at NERV after Misato cooked up this whole kidnapping thing," he stated. Shinji continued to stare at Misato.

"Well," she began, "there's only one thing to do. Luau at Aquatica!"

"Alright!" Roberts cheered.

"So, he's not the bad guy?" Shinji asked finally.

"Well, he is, but not in this case," Misato answered.

"Oh. Sorry about your sentries," Shinji stated.

"Well. . .nobody liked those guys. That's why they were on sentry duty."

"Okay."

(:ii:)

Shinji stared blankly at the wall of the suite that he had been given at Aquatica. "So, she kidnapped herself?" Yuki asked. Shinji nodded. "Any idea why?"

"I have no fucking clue," he declared. "Do I pretend to know how your crazy little women brains work? Why can't you all think more like men? All men think about are fighting, fucking, food, booze, and sports!"

"If women were like men, the world wouldn't have changed at all," Yuki stated.

"Oh, so a world in which politicians prefer to negotiate for years while dictators continue their genocides and Lifetime continues to make movies, is good?" Shinji demanded.

"Did you just lump Lifetime movies in with tragedies such as genocide?" Yuki asked.

"You're damn right I did!" Yuki paused to consider that.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." The dark haired woman rose from the bed and stretched. "I'm going to take a shower before the party, okay?" Shinji nodded absently. This job had to rank a ten out of ten on his weird shit meter and his weird shit meter included zombie terrorist, Nazi vampires in space and what had happened in the mountains over Macho Grande. Someone knocked and Shinji rose to open the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me!" Misato replied from outside. Shinji grinned. He was going to get some answers if it killed her! He ripped the door open and suffered another brain fart as Misato sauntered into his room wearing a pirate wench outfit that she probably would have been arrested for wearing in public. "Shinji, you naughty boy!"

"Huh?" Shinji asked brilliantly.

"This outfit," Misato clarified.

"Uh. . .yeah. It's very nice, Misato, but wouldn't a grass skirt and coconut bra have been better for a luau. . .and your modesty?"

"Wait, you didn't leave this outfit for me?" Misato asked. Shinji felt an eyebrow creep up. "Well, when I got out of the shower all my clothes were gone and this outfit was on my bed. I kind of thought you did it."

"Nope." The door slammed shut and both Shinji and Misato turned to see a dripping wet Yuki standing with her back to the door and wearing only a grin. "Oh," Shinji deadpanned. "That explains that."

"Oh, right, I forgot about your kinky secretary," Misato replied.

"Who told you about that?" Shinji asked.

"Rei," Misato replied.

"Oh." Shinji watched impassively as his secretary tackled Misato to the bed.

"I told you I'd get my pirate wench," Yuki stated.

"That you did."

"Eeep!" Misato squeaked.

(:ii:)

"So, she got herself kidnapped just for rescue nookie?" Asa asked.

"Yep," Shinji replied.

"Are you some kind of sex god or something?"

"Seems like it," Shinji commented as he leaned against the railing on the edge of Aquatica. Someone moaned and Shinji glanced down to see a pirate and a tech, both in grass skirts, spooning on the ground. "Looks like you guys had a pretty good party last night."

"Yeah," Asa agreed. "Do I need to ask if you had a good time?"

"Nope," Shinji replied.

"So, we've been set up by two different groups?" Asa asked.

"Looks that way," Shinji replied.

"Are we going to do anything?" Asa asked.

"Eh. . .no harm no foul?"

"Sounds good to me." Shinji glanced behind him and frowned as he noticed Kenny still doing a solo can-can line out on the dock in his orange Tartan kilt. "I guess you're right. After all, nobody did get hurt." That was when a shark burst out of the water and grabbed Kenny before sliding back into the water.

"One of our sharks escaped!" Shinji glanced back and saw Misato sprinting out of Aquatica's main building. Shinji scooped up a Mk. 17 from where it was leaning against the railing beside him. "How's that going to help? It's underwater!"

"Now don't you worry your pretty little head, I'll figure this out," Shinji stated. He squeezed the trigger on his rifle's grenade launcher and watched the black dot arch through the air until it slammed into the water and exploded.

"I told you it wouldn't work," Misato stated.

"Give it a second," Shinji replied. After only ten seconds a giant shark floated to the surface belly up. "There you go." Misato gawked at the dead animal.

"Okay, so maybe smart sharks aren't the must dangerous animals in the world," she stated.

"Not until they figure out grenades," Shinji replied.

"Right." Misato leaned up against him and rested her head on his chest.

"So," Asa began.

"So what?" Shinji asked.

"So, no harm no foul. What do you want to do now?"

"Are you kidding me?" Shinji demanded. "Kenny just died like Samuel L. Jackson. Can you think of a more manly way to die?"

"Well, no," Asa admitted. Shinji nodded and glanced down at Misato.

"You know, you could have just called if you wanted to see me."

"What's the fun in that?"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Long time no see. That's right, I'm alive, I've just had little time and major writer's block. I'm still not a hundred percent over it.

So, gripes, bitches and complaints. I've really got none at the moment. It's not that anything bad isn't happening, it's just that nothing really stands out. Well, that and I went out and bought my first pistol. You'd be amazed how stress relieving heading to the range can be.

As for certain previous complaints, yes, I was kind of going through the motions with that last chapter, but I think I pulled it out in the end. (Just like in the movie theatre!)

Also, I'm a wee bit smashed off my ass, so my proof reading might be a bit funny. I'll fix it later. Cheers and good night!