Hey, ya'll.
8D
Yes, I'm back from the dead. Partially.

School's a killer.

Thanks for your patience. I shan't keep you much longer. ^^;
Just read and review! Thankies!

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Running. Running. Escaping.

Loud, uneven, desperate intakes of oxygen rasp through the otherwise heavily silent wood, accompanied by the occasional, pitiful moan.
The foliage obscures the sky; the rain pelts down in torrents, causing the ground to turn to mud, which the silhouette in the night had slipped in twice.

A darkened figure raced through the thick brush, determined to get away, determined to escape this living hell--
The freezing rain pelted harder. The branches and stray thorns tore and ripped, many scratches and bleeding cuts adorned him, but still the shadowed figure raced forward, refusing to go back. The roots and brambles snared his feet, the darkness loomed ever closer, and no birds sang.

Ominous shadows and darkened trees began to encircle him--there was no way out. He had been running so hard, so fast, for so long. Too tired to go on, unable to go back, the exhausted Faun sank down onto his face and did nothing.

Listening to the pressing silence, save for his own, wheezy breaths, he didn't bother moving. Too tired. Too tired to even think about when he had last eaten or drank something. Too tired to live.
The continual rain pattered downwards on top of him, running off of his scarred and heavily welted back, where wounds often split open and began to bleed. Bruised and abused, Martin let his face sink into the churning mud, and began to sob.

The hot tears that spilled down his pale cheeks were in deep contrast to the freezing rain that drenched him - he was a sad sight to see.

"Aslan, why me?" the wretched Faun moaned piteously, wondering vaguely if he was going mad in the head. His words echoed into the air, which, combined with the sounds of the dousing storm that poured overhead, forced one to sympathize with him, if only a bit, depending on how heartless you were.

Come on. You know you're heartless. Don't lie to yourself.

Admit it.

Another wet, garbled sob.

"Why me, O great Lion? Why did I have to endure such torment as what I lived in before? Why did you give to me an abusive father who enjoyed beating me daily with broken bottles of hard beer and questionable gardening tools? Why, why, why?"

The continual mantra of agonizing sorrow and overwhelming grief would melt the heart of any passerby into a puddle of warm, Campbell's tomato soup.
With the alphabet letters.

Martin, sobbing too hard to convert any more heartache into words, didn't have the care to drag himself over beneath the nearest tree for shelter. Despite his uncontrollable shivering, he stayed put, hoping that this was finally it. Begging for release. Pleading for death.

That is, until she came.

Hair like the evening sunset, eyes like the sweetest spring flower, lips spilling nothing but words of kind tenderness, and a voice sweeter than a songbird in May.

The queen, so pure in the moonlight, an aura of encircling light capturing her image in its gentle beams, she came softly closer. No rain seemed to fall where she stood, and darkness couldn't touch her. Entrapped in her stunning beauty, the Faun could say nor do nothing but watch.

Then she noticed him.

Giving a horrified gasp, she clapped a small, dainty hand over her rosy lips, dashing through the mud and the sludge towards him and dropping down onto her knees, ruining her beautifully wrought dress quite efficiently.

"I wonder if oxi-clean would take it out...hm..." MonkeySaru wonders to herself, rubbing her chin thoughtfully and pushing her lengthy hair back behind her large ears. Her mind draws a-blank. This was a near-impossible piece to write, it was exactly 1:13 in the morning, and she had school to finish up tomorrow. Her local K-LOVE radio station played quietly in the background, accompanied by the occasional, happy moan coming from the ginger-colored cat on her lap as she slept.

"Sugar, if you had opposable thumbs, I'd make you write this for me," Monkey declared softly, stroking the soft fur of her elderly cat. Sugar looks up at her with unfocused, bright green, almond-shaped eyes before she goes right back to sleep. Letting out a slightly amused snort, Monkey listens to the thunderstorm pounding outside her window, desperately trying to finish this completely irrelevant paragraph up for her lovely, lovely readers while trying not making it completely ridiculous.

So. This is over. We'll come back to me, later.

"Oh my goodness, what happened? Are you all right?" the ginger-haired girl asked, gently lifting the scarred face of the Faun. Martin stared blankly back at her, lost for words. That didn't stop the girl, however, as she looked around for something that could be of use in this situation. Standing upright, she asked,

"Can you walk?"
"Both of my legs are broken," he moaned sorrowfully.

"Then how did you--? Oh never mind. Come on," she said quietly, dragging him over under a tree and out of the rain. For the most part.
The Faun could do naught but stare.

She was so innocent. So loving. Her gentle stare was more than he could bear, and he looked away finally, tears filling his own eyes even as he did so.

Her gentleness. Her beauty. She was like a ray of sunshine in the midst of his storm, the warmth to his winter, the jelly to his peanut butter.
But she could never love him. No matter how much he wished it, she would never love him. Lifting his grief-stricken face, he looked into her crystalline eyes once more, entrapped in her attractiveness.

Her soaked hair plastered to her head, mud smeared across her face, and yet still gorgeous beyond belief, she asked,

"Now. How did you get so hurt? Who are you?"
"I am..." He mumbled, licking his dry lips. "I am Martin Samuel Tumnus, and--"
Crash.

The whole of the darkened, silent glade was disturbed as several dangerous-looking figures dashed into sight, all atop magnificent-looking horses. Martin gasped aloud, eyes wide, and the girl was equally shocked. She let out an inappropriately dramatic scream of surprise that could be heard all the way in the marshlands and the Wild Western areas.

While the armed figures cleaned out their ears from the ridiculously loud shriek...

"LUCY MARIE PEVENSIE." The eldest of the group boomed, and he would've looked ever so much more magnificent and terrible -- if, at that moment, a certain younger sibling hadn't chosen to toss a well-aimed clump of seaweed at the back of his head. Letting his eyes remain closed as the seaweed slowly slipped off the back of his noggin and down his neck, Peter sighed, shifting in the saddle and peeling some of the wet plant off, despite the barely-concealed laughter of his brother.
"Ed, I thought I had Felmar confiscate you of that stuff before we left," He hissed, blue eyes narrowed, but still not turning to look at Edmund.

Said boy merely sniggered all the harder.

"He did. But I saved some 'neath my cloak," He grinned impishly, dripping with sea water from the previous chapter and shivering slightly. Peter groaned loudly and had to refrain from repeatedly bashing his head against the horn of his saddle.

"You are so dead."

Edmund, quite used to death threats at this point, merely hummed a cheerful tune in reply.

The two bewildered figures on the ground anxiously awaited further recognition. Susan stared down at them sympathetically from her horse, but Caspian was too busy watching the boy-kings with obscene curiosity, and was silently egging them on where no one could hear him.

Lucy, the girl on the ground, as you might have realized by now, spoke up.

"...Please," she said sweetly, "I don't--"
"SHUT UP," Peter howled at her, still not done deciding whether to hang his brother out the window by his toes, or strangle him with a boot lace. Lucy shutted up.

-------

MonkeySaru stared at the flashing screen, occasionally flicking between fifty-and-a-half windows. She had just gotten finished checking her gmail, and there was nothing new on NarniaWeb. Letting a slight sigh escape her, she forced herself to stop procrastinating. She needed to get this chapter shipped off to her shiny new beta reader, Tonzura123, and progress was coming just a bit on the slow side. She needed to speed things up.

Looking down at her pwnsome Narnia watch, with the red lion coat-of-arms on it, she was mildly shocked to see it flashing in warning.

Slow, slightly suspenseful music began to play. Removing the lazy cat from her lap, she stood up hurriedly, looking this way and that, and charged for her closet in a burst of epic music.

Emerging seconds later, she was...

...MonkeySaru. In a cooler T-shirt.

It had green stripes on top of a really dark gray.

And it was awesome.

So there.

Brushing her hair back from her face, she glared menacingly at the other wall, slowly raising her arms so that her palms faced outwards in a sort of signal to stop.

Instantly, the barrier melted away as if it were liquid drywall.

Popping a piece of lime-green bubblegum into her mouth and snatching up her skateboard, she re-positioned the cowgirl hat atop her head and pushed off into the street. Her cat stared at her with a blank expression as the wall resealed itself.

Blowing an enormous bubble, MonkeySaru then disappeared into the shadows, in and out of the street lights, skating through the rain and hoping to be back before three.

---

The High King, seaweed hanging off of his right ear, finally turned to the horrors on the ground with mild interest.

"Who're you?" He barked at the miserable Faun.

Said creature gave an elongated, wretched wail that hurt the ears of everyone present so much that the horses began to whinny and shy away.

"I am the child who was beaten every night by my own father! I am the child who was torn apart by the wolves in the forest while my father laughed! I am the child who received more than my daily bread's worth of work every day, held at knife-point! I am the child who--"

"THE NAME! GIVE US THE WRETCHED NAME!" Roared Edmund, hands clamped firmly over his ears in an attempt to block out this insane tirade. The Faun looked highly annoyed at this interruption, but complied with a huff.

"Martin Samuel Tumnus."

The silence that followed would've crushed anyone's spirits. Martin began to wail again.

--------

Maria Susan Jones glared at the computer screen, wondering what on earth was happening to her story. She had left her desk for a mere five minutes and come back to find an entire whopping chapter she didn't write, filled with people she didn't even know. Who was Peter? Who was Edmund? What on earth? Was she going insane? She clutched at her head. She hoped not, because she had a date tomorrow and if would be awful to have lost her mind before going out.

Shaking it off, she turned on her iTunes. Shoving her pink headphones into her ears, plugging in her pink iPod, and typing on her pink apple Mac laptop, she spent her evening away writing for her fan fiction. She had gotten a whole two positive reviews for twenty complete chapters - she was on a roll.

Smiling as she stared at her review alert e-mail notification, which read;

"Edwrdcllnizhotomgroflrofl33333!!!!!11: omg ur story iz ttly amazin plz continu"

Forcing herself to tear her amber eyes away from this beautiful and highly descriptive review, she opened up the window to her story once more. Typing away furiously, she described her dear Martin Samuel.

"weepng for his queen lu, he turnd and glard at the impoter king on the wite horsy, grining is teeth.

'she is mine!!!!!!1' he shoutd furiosly, tears spelling down his face. lulu wept opnly along with him, clutcing at his hand.
"o mrtin, its no use. i cnt b with u n e more."

"y???????????????????" he askd, sobbing.

Maria Susan was highly shocked when another paragraph appeared on her screen. Eyes wide, she attempted to delete it. It wouldn't.

---

"...Martin Samuel...Tumnus?" Edmund whimpered slightly, face drained of all color. The others were just as ashen-faced as he, especially Peter.

The High King tried to force words past the tightness of his throat.

"...Martin Samuels, you are hereby charged with bringing down the otherwise well-respected name of Narnian fan fiction, harboring lustful desires towards an even higher respected queen, and presenting a pitiful image."

The Faun babbled incoherently, eyes slightly unfocused.
"B-bu....blearghhhie....achawaa?"
Peter shook his head.

"Yeekida. Nophera leeanta unso teek-a."
Martin began sobbing all the harder. Edmund only looked outraged and lasciviously envious.

"Peter!" He howled. "You never told me you could speak Gibberish!"

The High King shrugged slightly.

"I also didn't tell you that I broke into Susan's lipstick supply and applied it to you when you were sleeping."

"You WHAT?!"

Peter waved an airy hand and returned to the horrendous creations before him. Lucy stood to her feet, her countenance as dark as the night.

"How could you?" She shouted mindlessly at her 'brother'. "How can you be so heartless?"
Susan shook her head slightly, speaking up for the first time.

"Peter, I think it's time we finish this chapter up. We're at two thousand and ninety-one words already."
"Uh, right..."

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Anger filled Maria as she saw what this unknown writer was doing to her story. It was ruined!!!1!111 This was unfair~!
"WHO KEEPS RUINING MY STORY~?!!!111" she howled into the night, not expecting anyone to reply as she vented off her intense rage.

"I am. And I like to think of it as...mmm, an improvement."
Maria screamed in surprise and whipped around. No one was there.

"W-Who are you?" She squeaked, clutching her iPod close, where Hannah Montana's 'Best of both worlds' was set on repeat.
"I?" Asked the speaker, and Maria nodded tearfully, slowly turning around.

"...I am your worst nightmare."
There was a girl. Hanging upside down. From her bedroom ceiling.

Maria pondered the next logical step that she should take, and took it.
She screamed.
"WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT!?" The girl with large ears howled, still upside-down, pinching the bridge of her nose as if fighting off a headache. "It's really beginning to annoy."
"B-But you're...you're..."
"Yes, I'm a Monkey. Now, shut face so I can firmly and soundly berate your lack of knowledge and writing."

"B-bu...blearghhie...achawaa?"

MonkeySaru glared dangerously, folding her arms and looking highly cross from her position on the ceiling.

"Hleargha, monlisaya tutu farloon."
Maria gasped in shock and recoiled as though she had been stung or strongly cursed out in public. MonkeySaru shrugged and dropped to the floor, looking over the laptop skeptically.

"Pink...is so not your color."

And with that, she tossed it out the open window.

Maria screamed something incoherent that I shall not say here, because, for those of you who CAN read Gibberish, it is something most foul and should not be repeated anywhere.

"WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP!" MonkeySaru howled, chucking a well-aimed High School Musical special edition three-disc set at the 'Sue writer.

It knocked against her shallow skull with a resounding crack, but she just stood there, twitching violently.

MonkeySaru cleared her throat and unrolled a long piece of parchment.

"I, Peter, High King over Narnia, Emporer of the Lone Islands, to Miraz, sometime--wait a minute..." Monkey's brow furrowed, eyes narrowing in confusion as she read on.

"Gah, wrong one. Sorry. Here it is," she mumbled sheepishly, tossing the Prince Caspian prop aside for later use as she unrolled the scroll.

"'Maria Susan Jones,

You are hereby being sentenced to being flamed by several highly respected authors for your trash of a story. You are charged with treason against the noble Narnian Fan fiction name, making a totally pitiful excuse for a character, so much so that you had to use the name of one of the canonical figures of Narnia for a last name because you couldn't think of one for yourself, and for destroying her majesty Queen Lucy's honor.
You are allowed to do one of two things.

Number one; get a beta reader and do not come back to the Narnian office until your story is scrubbed clean of all 'Sue disease,

Number two; Leave and never return.

Hoping you are well,

--The Team of Clean Sueless Narnian Fan fiction office, or TTCSNF.

Maria merely babbled in reply, foaming slightly at the mouth.

"B-but my story...it's good..."

"No, it isn't, I can assure you," MonkeySaru sighed, trying her hardest to be sympathetic. It wasn't working. "I just spoke to someone who read your fiction, and they had to go get a full-scale laser-eye surgery because of the damage. He wants to sue you (BAHAHA. Get it? SUE?! SNORKSNORKSNORK), but TTCSNF wants to plead your case before any other action is taken."

"...But...hyllifakknuh..."

"Nope."

Maria began to wail.

"But he's mine! He is totally original and I love him too much to leave or change him! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"
"Miss, put down the hairdryer, or I'll be forced to take action."

------

"Well, Susan? Would you like to do the honors?"
The Gentle queen nodded stiffly, raising her horn to her lips.

The full blast of the sound carried all across Narnia, shaking the trees and causing all the standing water they had resting on their leaves to fall down in a rush and thoroughly soak Edmund, despite his incoherent screaming about bad luck and older siblings who do these kinds of things on purpose. The terribly sweet sound of the horn carried in torrents of crashing audio waves, splitting through the sound barrier and blocking out all other noise.

Immediately, there was a Gryphon screech, an arrow, and Lucy, the real Lucy, fell through the treetops and landed in the mud, bow and quiver in hand.

"THAT'S THE FIFTEENTH TIME THIS WEEK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" She screeched, and, soaking wet and freezing though he was, Edmund managed to snicker a bit.
Martin, stunned as all this happened at once, was surprised to find that there was an arrow protruding from his chest, leaking blue glitter.
"VILE! WICKED! SCUM BETWEEN MY TOES!" Lucy continued to holler, storming towards the two. Brushing the leaves from her hair, the Valiant queen went about in her mindless rage and soundly slapped the fake Lucy across the face, completely ignoring the Marty Sam that was bleeding alone on the ground.
"I look much better in the green dress, just for your information," Lucy hissed at the stunned 'Sue, who instinctively looked down at the pink dress she was garbed in. Lucy, however, had no time to deal with such things, because she had already yanked out an arrow from her quiver and stabbed it forcefully through the chest of the other Lucy.

Lucy gasped, eyes wide as pink, glittery blood sprayed forth and stained the real Lucy in its Sue-ishness. Then she gave a scream and dissipated like smoke.

Fury describing her every movement, Lucy turned on the Marty Sam, eyes ablaze.

"YOU WAN'T SOME!?" She howled, and he rather thought she had gone quite mad from the amount of time in her 'Stu prison. He wailed all the more at this thought, even as he lay dying.

"I would sooner be killed by your hands than be loved by anyone else!" He moaned.

Edmund, however, just wanted this done with, no matter what the risk.

"LUCY AND MARTIN, SITTIN' IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G," He sang loudly, goading her on, and Lucy actually entered a sort of Stu-rage, which could also be called a blood thirst, but seeing as Sue's and Stu's have no blood, it is called a Stu-rage. Stop asking so many questions.

Taking five arrows, she held out her hand for the lighter that Caspian kindly tossed to her, and lit them all. She shot them all at once, and, being a fair archer in her own right, every arrow hit their target.

And so, Mary Sam died in a puff of blue glitter.

Breathing hard, and with shaking hands, Lucy dropped her weapons and pinched the bridge of her nose, headache forming behind her eyes.

"That...was horrible..."

"We can tell," Caspian said matter-of-factly, and took back his lighter before Lucy could do any more damage with it. Looking down at her hands, Lucy groaned.

"It's all over me..."
"It washes out with oxi-clean, good as new."

"Come on, Lu, let's get you home and changed," Susan said gently, and reached for her sister's hand to pull her atop the horse.
"Well. That was eventful," said Caspian quietly.

Peter opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment, three acorns, one right after the other, bounced off the back of his skull, making a slightly hollow noise.

Silence followed.

"Ed," he gritted his teeth, looking back at his brother, who was grinning quite wickedly.
"Lion, I knew your head was filled with sawdust, but I didn't expect it to soundthat empty..."

Peter threw down his reigns and reached for his sword. Edmund had already spurred Phillip on with a "RUN!", and the two brothers vanished from sight, the sound of galloping horses racing quickly into the night amidst the screams and taunting of two boys who had somehow managed to compose themselves as kings for several years.

"...Do they...?" Caspian began to ask, but Lucy cut him off sharply, trying to ignore how tired and heavy her voice was.

"--Always act like this whenever they see fit? Yes. Now let's go. I'm in want of a room without sparkly blue cell bars."

---

"MY STORY! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE," Maria Susan yowled, holding the hairdryer in dangerous proximity to MonkeySaru's face. Glaring daggers, MonkeySaru yanked on a chain, and out of what seemed like thin air came a large cannon named "The Canon Cannon".

"I'm warning you, Maria," Monkey said threateningly. "Pull your story from Fan fiction or I'll be forced to take action."

"MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE," Maria babbled on and on, and Monkey shook her head, lighting the end of the fuse.

The explosion could be heard from the Artemis Fowl to the Twilight archives. Leaving the room a blackened, singing mess, and a very unconscious 'Sue, MonkeySaru fixed the hat on her head before pocketing the cannon for later use. A warm golden light was at her side, and Aslan purred quietly, if it is not disrespectful to say that a Lion purrs.

"That'll do, Monkey, that'll do." He rumbled, highly amused, and MonkeySaru, brushing her hair behind her ears, had the decency to blush.

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Well? What did you think?

^^
Need reviews. Kthxbai.

P.S.

I wanna take the time out to thank my LOVELY LOVELY BETA, Tonzura123!

YOU ROCK. ^^

She totally made me want to post this chapter and stuff. SO – THANK YOU, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEND YOU ANOTHER. :D

And I also wanna thank a friend of mine from the fantastic for his brilliant spoof off of my story. It made me smile. X] The link is on my profile, ya'll, go check it out.

ANDANDAND.

I was thinking about this the other night, and…

…if ya'll have fanart ideas, and wanna go ahead and draw 'em – please do. I absolutely /adore/ seeing things people do that have to do with my work. So if you've got fanart, please don't hesitate to PM it to me. For either Light or End of the world. Really. I won't bite your head off.

…I swear…

You might even get linked on my profile. ;o