I will stop lusting after my best friend…

I might stop lusting after my best friend…

I can't stop.

January 1st. The scariest of all days. The one day of the year when people worldwide take a good look at themselves in the mirror and decide something has got to change over the next 365 days. Every year my mother pledges to give up drinking.

This year, this year I have to get over my best friend.

Its not like she's making this any easier on me or anything. She isn't getting any uglier or meaner. She hasn't tried to shove me out of her life. She's just as sweet as can be with that damned smile of hers and those amazing brown eyes. In fact, maybe she wants me to want her. And that's probably why I'm trying to talk her into kissing me.

"Sam," she rolls her eyes playfully at me from her desk.

"Come on, just once. It doesn't have to be drawn out. Just a quick kiss." My voice sounds desperate even to my own ears.

"Remind me again of why you even want to do this?" She says, exasperated.

"Who better to have my first kiss of the New Year with than you?" I shrug.

She grins at me. "Oh, I don't know, maybe a boy?"

"Most boys can't kiss for shit." I point out.

"That is not true."

"Fine. But I don't like any of them. I like you."

"I like you, too."

"So you'll kiss me?" I'm already out of my sprawling position on her bed and headed over to her.

"Of course not."

I've always been a forward person. I like to think that that's one of the things Carly likes about me. Even though forward can often border on pushy or annoying, I think she likes it.

"If you won't kiss me, I'll just have to kiss you."

We stare at each other, challenging, for a few minutes. I can see the cogs in her brain working, daring me to shift a few inches forward and connect her mouth to mine. And I want to, god, do I want to. But I don't. I smirk lightly, and lean back on my heels as if that had been the plan all along.

"You wanted me to kiss you." I taunt, trotting back to the bed on my tiptoes.

She glares at me with her jaw dropped. "No I didn't! I was just pretty sure you wouldn't be able to go through with it, but I would have moved if you hadn't."

"Only pretty sure? So you shoved a small bit of hope in there and waited for me to act?" I let out one of those obnoxious, evil squeals. "Interesting, interesting."

"That isn't it, and you know it." She rolls her eyes, running a hand through her hair and standing. "Come on, this is stupid. Let's go see if dinner's ready."

I stand too, grabbing hold of her arm to keep her from leaving. "Wait."

She turns back slightly, her chocolate eyes penetrating deep into mine. "What?" Her voice is a whisper, her lips barely parting to let the word out.

"I changed my mind." My words are rushed and choppy and cut off when I bring my lips to hers.

I trip over my own feet just to make the connection and end up throwing both of us off balance. It isn't a pretty sight. But my lips are still latched to hers and that's something. Our eyes meet over our joined bodies and we dare each other to pull away. I press my hands into the floor in a makeshift push-up so as not to crush her, but she doesn't seem to care that the whole of my weight is on top of her. She just stares at me, holding her lips firm to mine.

I'm the one to pull back and sit on my heels, but only because I feel ridiculous. "So… Dinner." I say and it's full of nerves and followed by a strangled chuckle/giggle. This isn't making me feel any better about myself. Self esteem dropping, check.

She digs her palms into the floor and drags herself into being vertical. "You kissed me."

"Yeah, told you I would. You know, I'm really hungry all of a sudden. Inexplicably. Let's go." I offer a hand to help her to her feet, even though I'm still sitting. Smooth, Puckett. Very smooth.

She folds her hands in her lap and stares down at them. "You kissed me." She says again.

"Established." I acknowledge, than gesture towards the door. "Food consumption seems necessary at this time."

"Sam," She mutters in a small voice, looking at me with confused eyes.

I sigh. "What? You don't want to eat?"

"You don't want to talk about this?" She asks in her 'what's best for you is all I've ever wanted' voice.

"You do?" I want my words to sound joking, but they don't. Why do you fail me now, English? I've spoken you all my life, and yet you give nothing in return. I will henceforth learn a new language and abandon you. Did I just use the word 'henceforth?'

"I guess we don't have to." She shrugs and climbs to her feet, but she's glaring at me and instead of offering to help me up, she yanks me to standing by my shirt collar. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt.

I sit on the bed, patting the spot next to me. "Let's talk about this. I think we should."

She grins at me. "I'm glad you had a change of mind."

"Some things just can't be overlooked." I affirm and rub the side of my neck. "So, why don't you start? What's on your mind?"

"Well, you kissed me."

"I believe I remember some oral contact, yes."

"We don't do that, though."

"This was the first time." I nod enthusiastically.

"So why now? Why all of a sudden? Why did you want to kiss me?"

I shrug. "It sounded like a good idea at the time."

Yeah, I always blow these kinds of things. Instead of leading her around my head for a while, I could just tell her the truth. But no, that would be so much less complicated.

"That isn't an answer."

"Come on, Carly!" I exclaim. "It was just a kiss! It wasn't a big deal."

She glares at me, rubbing her lips together. "Fine." And she walks out of the room.

When I finally gather the courage to leave her room, despite the warning feeling in my gut that she's waiting on the other side of the door with a baseball bat, I find her downstairs with Spencer. She's just sitting at the table, chomping on Spencer's "anonymous" casserole as if everything that had just happened upstairs was only in my imagination.

We all have dinner together with a companionable aura circling. Afterwards, Carly and I watch Girly Cow while Spencer sculpts a bum to take over the bench across the street. When I go home for the night, Carly doesn't say anything or try to remove any of my limbs.

She must be really angry.

XXX

It's January third. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I haven't spoken to Carly at all in two days. Not even a text message. We go back to school on the fifth, though, so I need to reinstate our connection soon.

I know it's only been two days, but life without Carly is boring. And yes, I do happen to regularly blow stuff up with my mother. But it just isn't the same. This morning, I happen to also be with my mother. We had to go pick up her ointment… In the spirit of avoiding discussing that any further, it means I'm about two blocks from Carly's house. My mom wouldn't stop me from going. She likes that I hang out with Carly. She thinks its what is keeping me out of prison. So what's stopping me? I don't think Carly would be happy to see me if I did show up.

Just remembering the look on her face when I said the kiss was, and I quote, 'no big deal!' tells me I had a shot. I could have told her then and there that I wanted her more than I've ever wanted ham. I could have even asked about her feelings on the whole situation. But what did I do? I screwed up.

"You know, you haven't gone to see Carly in awhile. We're only a couple blocks away, aren't we? I wouldn't be mad if you ditched me to go see her." My mother's voice breaks through my head and I jump, breaking my stare on the Doritos.

"That's okay." I shrug at her.

My mother has the same thick, curly, blonde hair that I do, but hers is cut short. Besides that, though, I don't look too much like her. Her eyes are brown when mine are blue. Her face is a lot more angular than mine, her nose a lot more prominent. And yes, she is kind of out of her mind, but I like her that way.

"You should go. You don't want to spend the last of your vacation hanging out with me." She smiles wide and slightly psychotic, but I think it's just a Puckett thing.

I sigh heavily. "If you really want me to."

"Its not that, I just get the feeling you really want to."

I'm in front of Carly's apartment building before my brain catches up with my actions. Its not all that unusual, I find myself heading for Carly quite often even when I'm not thinking about her. She has some sort of gravitational pull on me.

Suddenly, I'm at her door with my stomach in knots and my head spinning. I'm kind of out of breath too because I ran up the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. I can feel Freddie's eyes on the back of my neck through his peephole, but I don't turn around to look. He probably can't figure out why I'm taking so long to knock. To ease his pain, I finally raise my hand and let my knuckles fall hard against the door.

She swings it open three seconds later and yanks me inside.

"Thanks for huddling on my doorstep for like ten minutes! Now Freddie is going to think something weird happened between us!" She yells at me, stalking back across the apartment in diving gear.

I force my face to frown so I don't worsen her mood with a smile. "Carly, what's with the wetsuit?"

She looks down. "Spencer was sculpting me, but ran out of rubber bands and toothbrushes, so he ran out to get some more. There wasn't any point in changing."

"I wasn't going to ask you to change." I do grin now. "I like it. It suits you."

"Shut up." She says vehemently, but she blushes. After a moment, she adds, "Sam, we need to talk."

I exhale loudly. "I figured."

"Sam, I love you. You're my best friend." She moves a few paces closer to me. "But…"

"But?" Here we go.

"But I liked when you kissed me."

"I'm sorry I- what?" I stare at her wide-eyed and surprised. "I thought you were going to let me down easy, but you liked it?"

"Yeah. At least, I think I did. I was hoping you might kiss me again so I could be sure?"

And suddenly I'm kissing her. I do a lot of things without thinking, don't I? Well, anyway, this kiss is nothing like the last one. It's slow, and easy, and a jumble of lips and tongue find each other somewhere in the middle. She's pressing me into the door, which also feels nice. Very nice. I let my arms close around her waist and hike her closer.

We hear the elevator ding, closely followed by Spencer whistling, through the door. I'm not sure if one of us actually said "act nonchalant", but suddenly we were on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in between us, Seattle Beat blaring on the television.

Carly fixes her hair compulsively as Spencer greets us. "Sup kidlets?"

Carly shakes her head. "Nothing, nothing at all."

There is so much force in her voice that he backs up a few paces to eyeball us. "Did I miss something?"

She shakes her head again. "Nothing."

He raises his eyebrows disbelievingly at us, but moves on. "I'm just going to grab the other bottle of super glue out of my room. Can you get back in the pose? It shouldn't take much longer."

She nods. "Sure." Back in position in front of the barstools, she goes all wide-eyed at me. "Sam, why are you holding a bag of Doritos?"

I glance down at my hand, which is indeed clenching a bag of Doritos, and then back at her. I guess I stole them. "Why are you wearing diving gear?"

"Touché."

XXX

Things are kind of awkward between us. I don't know if she likes me as more than friend or what, but I wish I did because I hate things to be weird with us. I want to talk about it, but I can't because its Thursday and we always have a big iCarly meeting on Thursday so Freddie is present and I don't really think he needs to be in the know about all this.

Freddie is staring at me, too, for some weird, dork reason. Its definitely not because I haven't stopped staring at Carly for the last two hours. Why would that be the reason?

"So I think we're good. Starting with the phone booth bit and ending with the cheesecake thing should be perfect." Carly says, glaring at me because she knows I haven't really been paying attention. She knows me so well.

"I concur." I put in.

"We have to end with the cheesecake because there's no way we'll be able to do anything else with the floor all slippery. But, I think we should start with the magic tricks instead of the phone booth bit. It'll be a better intro." Freddie shrugs.

"I concur." I say again.

"Aren't you going to have an opinion at all?" Carly asks with a roll of her eyes.

I shrug. "Don't you remember when we started this whole thing? I said I would show up, but I wasn't going to do any work. This looks like work to me."

"Just pick one. Magic tricks or phone booth?" Freddie sighs. I think I exhaust him.

I exhale over dramatically. "Well, neither. I think the brain control bit would be the best place to start. The magic tricks would only be a good segue into the cheesecake and the phone booth bit is more a middle of the show appetizer."

Carly bobs her head once. "I like it."

"Actually, so do I." Freddie really did look amazed. "I think we're set for this week's show. Rehearsal tomorrow, then we're good to go."

"Great." I clap my hands together. "Let's order Chinese food."

Freddie's expression changes from happy to disturbed. "I can't. My mom is taking me to ballet class."

"Hers?" I question with a smile. I'm such a supportive friend.

"No." He's heading out the door as quickly as his legs will take him.

"Yours?"

"Yes!" I hear him yell from the hall and I can see the red burn in his cheeks even though I can't see his face from here. And my x-ray vision hasn't kicked in yet.

Carly's staring at me still and all I can do is stare back. She inches closer and reaches for my hand. "I've been waiting to kiss you all day." She mutters, pushing her lips into mine.

A feel a blush kick through my system and stain my cheeks before I can block it with my Sam-ness. She does this to me. Why do I keep her around? Oh, yeah. I'm in love with her.

I kiss her back for all I'm worth and hope that is enough to keep her wanting me. I have this crushing feeling in my heart that any day now I'm going to come over and she's not going to want to kiss me or anything and apologize for using me like this. Because I'll have been an experiment and she hopes she was the same thing for me. And she's not, if you haven't noticed.

"Carly, wait." I say against her lips and shove my palms into her shoulders.

"What?" She responds, looking all flustered and, well, horny.

I shift back in my beanbag. "Is this an experiment to you?" Yep, I'm still forward.

"Why?" Not the response I was going for.

"Just, you aren't for me. You know?" I lick my lips nervously.

She smiles uneasily at me and looks around. "Honestly? I don't know. Could I have some time to think about it?"

I choke back tears as she kisses me again.

XXX

Okay, so I'm avoiding her again. I'm allowed to, it isn't a crime or a sin or anything. Every time I look at her, I want to bang my head against a wall, and that could do some serious damage over an extended period of time. So yeah, I'm being as allusive as possible.

Unfortunately, we had iCarly rehearsal Friday night and the actual filming of it Saturday. And now it's Monday and we have English together. Our lives are so intertwined, I don't know what I'm going to do if she rejects me. Its not like I asked her to my girlfriend or anything, so this shouldn't feel as 'quaking in my boots' as it does.

English sucks. It's fact, not up for debate. I happen to like to write and read, but it still sucks. Carly sits directly in front of me, too, so I'm stuck staring at the curves of her shoulders and the tip of her ear that sticks out from her hair. Its distracting, to say the least. To say the most, I crave to nibble on that bit of ear and bare that shoulder, maybe nibble on it, too.

The bell rings and I resist the urge to throw my schoolbooks at the wall. It has nothing to do with Carly. I always have that urge.

"You want to come over?" She asks, standing and grabbing her backpack.

English being my last class of the day, I don't really have an excuse not to. "I promised my mom I would come home after school." Just because I don't technically have an excuse, doesn't mean I'm not going to try and come up with one.

"I wouldn't mind hanging out at your place." She smiles hopefully and I'm lost to my love for her.

"Okay."

My apartment is three blocks from school, so we walk there. Its awkward even then because neither of us has anything to say. She knows what I want to talk about, and she clearly wants to avoid that. So we are left in silence.

"I hate this book we're reading in English." She finally says.

I nearly gasp with relief. "Which one?"

"I uh," She rubs her lips together. "I don't know. I haven't really been paying attention very well lately."

"Welcome to my world."

She grins at me. "You think your mom will mind if I just show up with you so out of the blue?"

"Hell no. My mom practically squeals whenever I spend time with you." I admit.

"Good." She glances around nervously. "How would she feel about me spending the night?"

My heartbeat just doubled it speed. "Favorably, since it's a school night and that's practically a guarantee that I'll get my homework done."

"And how would you feel about me spending the night?"

Her fingers lace through mine. "That depends on your intentions, Ms. Shay."

"Oh, my intentions are very, very naughty."

"I think I can work with that."

XXX

So, I didn't technically get the answers I was looking for, but that's okay. Everything feels okay when Carly Shay is half naked in my bed with her tongue in my mouth and her hand on my right breast.

"Wait, Carly. Pause." I can't believe I'm speaking, let alone telling her to stop.

"What?" She says in this out of breath, rusty voice. God, I'm so turned on.

"So I'm not just an experiment? This is happening? You and I are a thing?"

"We've always been a thing." She says hastily and kisses me.

"I mean a 'going out' thing. An item. Girlfriends. Whatever you want to call it."

"Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?"

"Only if I know you'll say yes."

"Than yes."

My heart skips a beat. "Really?"

"Duh, Sam."

Her lips are back on mine, which is where they clearly belong. I finally start to relax a little and let my hands wander down the tightened muscles in her back and trace the curve of her hips.

"Carly, wait."

She sighs, exasperated. "What now?"

"Are you sure you want to do this? We've only been together for," I glance at the clock, "Seven minutes."

She sits back on her heels. "Maybe you're right."

"I just don't want you to resent me so early in our relationship if this isn't want you really want. We can wait."

"God, Sam, you're such a romantic. Its cute." She giggles and runs her hands through my hair.

"I'm serious. If you don't want to move this fast, its fine."

"I guess you're right. I should get to know you first. We should become friends or something to make sure we're compatible. You should meet my family. I should meet yours. There are so many things we need to do before we do this." She shakes her head. "I guess I should get dressed."

She starts to stand, but I pull her back down to me and attach my mouth to hers. "Don't be a douche. I'm trying to be considerate."

"Stop thinking so much. If I didn't want to be doing this, I wouldn't be."

I grin up at her. "That's all I needed to know. You can fuck me now."

"Good. Shut up."

I have always dreamt about what it'd be like to be with Carly. My dreams didn't even come close to the feel of her fingers dancing along my skin or the pull of her tongue as she drags it across my nipple and down my stomach. Somewhere in the middle, I just got lost in sensation. I never want to stop feeling like this.

XXX

"Freddie, stop eyeballing Carly." I mutter through the corner of my mouth.

He leans back in his beanbag and focuses on me. "I think I'm going to ask her to be my Valentine."

"What difference would that make? She's already told you that she doesn't want to go out with you."

"Girls love Valentine's Day, right? As far as I know, she doesn't have a date, so she'd be lonely if I didn't ask her. So I figure, its like my duty to ask her."

I stare at him like he's an idiot. It's the best I can do. Otherwise, I'd be trying to ram some commonsense into his brain. "Freddie, you aren't going to get Carly to be your Valentine."

He glares at me. "I have to try."

"Freddie, she has someone."

"No she doesn't." He shakes his head and stands. He jogs into the kitchen where she's making us strawberry smoothies.

I finally let my gaze fall on her and draw down her body. It's only been two hours since I last had her in my arms, but I already miss the feel of her.

"Carly, do you have plans for Valentine's Day?" He questions enthusiastically. Carly's eyes drift to me and then back to him.

"Well, it's Saturday, so we're filming iCarly." She says uneasily.

He rolls his eyes and moves closer to her, taking her hand. "I mean after that. No date or anything, right?"

Carly and I planned on staying in and watching the movie marathon on television. It wasn't technically a date, though.

"Not… exactly." She's looking right at me now.

"I thought maybe you'd want to be my Valentine?" His words are rushed and jumbled and think I like a flustered Freddie.

"Freddie, I… I can't." She pulls her hand back from his grip.

He has the determination of a… something really determined. "It doesn't have to mean we're going out or anything. Just a date so neither of us has to be alone on Valentine's Day."

"I'm not going to be alone."

I stand and stride over. I love awkward stuff that doesn't involve me.

"But you said you didn't have a date."

I smile at him, slinging my arm around Carly. "She's my Valentine, so she can't be yours."

"That doesn't count."

"Yes, it does. Carly's mine."

"Not your date."

"No, mine. Like I get to do this," I kiss her roughly on the lips, "And you don't. Mine."

He glares angrily at me, his eyes welling up. "Whatever." He turns half circle and runs out of the loft, tripping on three empty Peppy Cola cans and a toothbrush on his way.

"That isn't exactly how I wanted him to find out." Carly mumbles.

I sigh. "He'll get over it. Besides. Its time he knew."

She turns in my arms to capture my mouth. "I know. That was just kind of mean."

"He'll be fine."

Our fingers lace together and I press her arms behind her back. Her lips part and I finally get to taste her again. And then Freddie walks back in. He doesn't stop or even flinch at the sight of us kissing.

"Um, dude? Kind of busy here." I say, but then I stop and turn to look at him again. "This doesn't bother you?"

He shrugs and sits down in a barstool, sipping his abandoned iced tea. "It did when I found out, but not anymore."

"That was like five minutes ago. You bounce back quick." Carly says, obviously very surprised.

"Nah, I've known for like three weeks. I've just been waiting for you to tell me." He shrugs again.

"How did you find out?" I ask curiously.

"Oh please. You guys have been making out all over this building. I watched you go at it for like ten minutes in the hallway like three days ago."

I clear my throat and grin at Carly. "And you thought he'd be mad. He obviously finds it hot."

She smacks my arm.