The Fat-Fighters Unit

Disclaimer: I am not making money out of this... it is done purely out of entertainment.

A/N: This was just an idea that came to me... it's not meant to be worthy of winning awards or anything. Enjoy!

The Griffin family were crowded around the television set watching Quahog 5; Peter, Chris and Lois were seated on the couch not caring how uncomfortable Meg and Brian were as they lay on the floor.

"You're looking rather stunning today!" Tom Tucker cooed making Diane Simmons blush furiously and emit a high-pitched childish squeal.

"Thank you Tom," she said, straightening her hair a little.

Tom fiddled with a few sheets of paper for a couple of seconds before finding the correct one. He held it up and spoke clearly, "It's now back to the latest news. A new Fat-Fighters unit has been built in the middle of Quahog-"

Diane cut over him, "This unit is - for want of a better word - for overly obese people. So if you are overly obese, instead of stuffing your face on last months mashed potatoes, why not come down to the building? Next up is live footage of the unit from our very own Asian Correspondent Tricia Takanawa."

The scene then changed to show a Japanese woman. "Dian-ne," she said in her flat, nasal voice. She then motioned for the cameras to look around the room before moving back to her. "As you can see, I am here at the brand new Fat Fighters unit; many fat people all over Quahog have gathered here, either to lose weight, or meet people like them."

She then walked over to a man who was panting and puffing on an excercise bike. Shoving the microphone under his nose, she asked, "As a fat person, you have experienced this abnormality. How does it make you feel that you can come to this unit?"

The man stopped pedalling and was red in the face. Answering breathlessly he said, "I...feel...it...good...I...fat...see..." Smiling at her, he then continued pedalling.

Tricia then walked a few centimetres away from him and said, "According to him this is a great place to hang out and meet fat people. If-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence because the man who was pedalling seconds before had fallen off and was now on top of her.

"Now... back... to... Diane... and... Tom..." She managed to say before fainting.

It then changed back to the headquarters of Quahog 5 where there were two extremely shocked people. With a quick fake smile to the camera, Tom said, "So yes... um... go there."

Peter turned the television off and his wife said to him, "Peter, I really think you should go there; it would be a good experience and I really think you need to lose a bit of weight and should encourage Chris to do the same thing too."

He nodded, "I know, I know. I'll go there with Chris. But Meg has to come too; she's the fattest out of all of us. Infact, she's the fattest in the World. She's more obese than King Kong... she's like a cross between Miss Trunchball and a hippopotamus..."

"My Biology teacher's legs are like tree-trunks, but she's not as fat as Meg," Chris said, laughing.

"I am here you know!" Meg shrieked. "And I'm not fat!" She then began running to her room but tripped over Brian's big nose, who leapt up from the floor and shouted, "You stupid fat thing!" He ran to the kitchen to see if there was signs of any internal bleeding.

Stewie clambered off of his mother's lap and crawled over to his sister. Taking a stick (which had faeces on it) out of his back pocket, he poked it at her and taunted, "Fatty! Fatty! Fatty! Fatty!"

Meg screamed and ran up to her room with Stewie following close behind.

Lois rounded on Peter. "That was a horrible thing to say! When she comes back down, I want you to apologize!"

"You're right, I will," Peter said. "But you have to admit that she is one fat bitch. It's a wonder how two skinny people like us ever produced something as morbidly obese as that thing."

Lois gave him a scornful look.

"Sorry!"

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The following day Peter, Chris and Meg arrived at the Fat-Fighters unit an hour late. The reason behind this was because Peter had suddenly become hungry so he stopped off at a McDonalds... they had finally nearly reached the unit when he decided he was hungry again, so he drove to the nearest Burger King. But no, that wasn't enough for him... he then had to find a nearby KFC.

"This wouldn't have happened if you didn't stop off at three fast-food restaurants!" Meg groaned, as she walked with her family to the front door of the unit. "Besides, I was also hungry but you never offered me anything!"

Peter rubbed her shoulder soothingly. "There there Meg," he said. "I know it's your time of the month and all, but you have only yourself to blame."

Meg looked at him reproachfully. "I am not on my time of the month! Anyway, how would it be my fault? I can't help being a girl!"

"Yes you can," Chris said. "You should have got to the penis shop fast enough!"

"The Penis shop?!"

"Yes," Peter answered for Chris. "It's three miles south from the Mississippi river. Boy, it's the best place ever; it's so popular that they sell over a million in just a week."

Meg sighed and as soon as she had opened the door to the unit, an elderly thin lady with more facial hair than required for a girl bustled over to them. "Hello, hello! Welcome to Fat-Fighters! You're late, but who cares? This fat haven is a place of forgiveness. Repent, dear ones. Repent!"

Meg looked bemused and looked around the room. There were quite a few people in there than she would have expected. There was a chill room in the corner with a few couches and chairs, but mostly there was gym equipment... it was similar to a gym; the only difference was that every person in this room's aim was to become thin, not muscley.

"Ooh a penny!" Chris said rushing passed the old lady, knocking her over in the process.

"No, that's my penny!" Peter said excitedably.

In a matter of seconds Peter and Chris were rolling around on the floor in a non-physical fight in order to obtain the penny.

The elderly lady pushed herself up from the floor and stood over the two bundles. She clapped her hands together in delight. "Oh yes! The sacred penny of light will lead you two fat boys to seek future references of God!"

Meg rolled her eyes and walked over to a tall business-like woman, with an abnormally large nose, who obviously worked there because she had a name tag which showed that her name was 'Hortencia'. "Hi, my name's Meg Griffin-" She was about to continue but the lady looked at her and gasped.

"I'm sorry!" Hortencia said apologetically. "It's just you're the fattest thing I've ever had the misfortune to meet!"

Meg ran off crying into some nearby toilets, slamming the door shut behind her.

"The truth hurts..." Hortencia muttered to herself before noticing there was an ambush. She collected a broomstick from behind her desk and ran at Peter and Chris and began hitting at them.

The elderly lady was still standing over them. "Oh, the joys of broomsticks! Broomsticks lead you to a new light among the horizon..." She didn't complete her sentence because she was knocked out cold by the broomstick.

Peter noticed there was another person involved in their little fight so he punched her in the face.

The fight then stopped as the woman stood up, clutching her cheek. She looked enraged. "GET OUT! YOU ARE NEVER TO COME BACK INTO THIS ESTABLISHMENT AGAIN!"

Peter and Chris did as they were told and rushed back to the car. Putting the key into the ignition, Peter pressed on the accelerate pedal and had only noticed that something was missing when they were halfway down the road.

"Hey, where's Meg?"

Chris looked all over - even under the seats - and then came to a conclusion all by himself. "Dad, we left fatty at the unit."

Peter laughed. "Oh well, she can make it home by herself; if they realize she's part of our family they will try to attack her, but that won't matter either, seeing as she's so fat and can just gobble them all up."

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Meanwhile back at the house, Stewie was planning his next attempt at murdering his sickly mother. He had put poison into her drink of water.

"It's not going to work," Brian said boredly. "Just give up."

"Give up?! GIVE UP?! Why would I give up when I know that I'm going to have to endure "kissy-wissy's" all my life! The murderous lullabies are bad enough..." he then peeked over the couch and jumped up and down in excitement. "Brian! Brian! Look! The stupid bitch is going to drink it... drink it you profound waste of a human being! Go on... just a bit further... argh, the stupid bat is taking all bloody day!"

The front door opened and the two males entered. Lois heard and poured her drink down the sink and rushed over to greet them.

There was only one thing Stewie could do; he screamed at the top of his lungs. He picked up a vase and threw it at the window which smashed into a million pieces.

Peter sighed, "Man, if Meg was here she could just gobble that mess up."