Byakuya's Powerthirst Episode

Sum: Renji gets bored and gives his Captain some Powerthirst, hoping to get a laugh. Unfortunately, this causes Captain Kuchiki to go on a Powerthirst rampage. Written because of my friend who did a Powerthirst speech in school, and my love of making Byakuya do crazy stuff for my enjoyment. AU, OOC, + Randomness to the max!

Disclaimer: I own nothing Bleach, although I wish I did, cause that would rock. I also do not own powerthrist, although that would also rock.

A/N: This is just me and my friends being weird. If you don't like it, that's ok, but if you do, then that is Uber Radical! I will use English not Japanese because I speak English and if I mess up the Japanese words I'll feel totally dumb, so I'm going to avoid that. Ok, well, enjoy!!

Byakuya Kuchiki was typically a stoic guy. He was intimidating, and somewhat scary. It was very rare that anyone would do anything to upset him, usually in fear of loosing their life or becoming mortally wounded or permanently scarred or disabled. It was just... the way of things.

But today was different. Someone unknown, though most people could probably guess who, had decided to play a small prank. Be it that it was meant to prey on Captain Kuchiki himself, or on all the other members of the 13 Court Guard Squads, today had become quite interesting. Instead of his morning tea, someone had given Captain Kuchiki an energy drink...

~*~

Shunsui lay on a random rooftop, comfortably ignoring all that was going on around him. He sighed, pulling his hat further over his face, "I'm so tired today..." he yawned.

"Hey!"

Shunsui jumped at the unfamiliar excited tone of voice.

"Do you wanna feel soooo energetic?"

He turned his head to see a very wide-eyed Captain Kuchiki. "Uh... Captain Ku--"

"Try Powerthirst!" Byakuya yelled, an unusual smile on his face, "Energy drinks for people who need gratuitous amounts of energy!" Shunsui stared, awestruck, as Byakuya continued, shoving a can of some sort into his face.

"With all new flavors like Shockolate!"

"Uh huh..."

"Shockolate energy! It's like adding chocolate to an electrical storm! Sound the alarm! You're gonna be uncomfortably energetic!!" He shook the man by the shoulders.

And with that, he bounded away, leaving the confused Shunsui with a can of Shockolate Powerthirst.

~*~

Ichigo and Rukia walked along together, Ichigo visiting for the first time in a long while. They were having a decent conversation when, suddenly, a gust of wind blew a bunch of sakura petals in their path. Before either could react, Byakuya stood before them, still 'uncomfortably energetic' from his Powerthirst.

"What's that? You want strawberry?" He mused, his voice becoming more like a commercial announcer's. "Well how about Rawberry?" He screamed, shoving a can into Rukia's hands. "Made with lightning, real lightning!"

Ichigo turned to Rukia, totally bewildered, "What the hell is wrong with him?"

"SPORTS!" Byakuya yelled into Ichigo's ear, causing him to jump back with a yelp.

"Aaahhhhhh!!" Shunsui screamed, throwing the empty can of Shockolate from the roof.

"Sports?" Ichigo asked, swallowing.

Byakuya nodded, "You'll be good at them! It's an energy drink for men!" He tore the can from Rukia, handing it to Ichigo, "Menergy!" Ichigo blinked, "Mener--"

"These aren't your dad's puns, these are energy puns!" Byakuya shouted, "Turbopuns!!" He threw his fist in the air, and suddenly disappeared, leaving Ichigo lying on the ground with Rawberry Powerthirst, and Rukia staring dumbfounded at the air.

~*~

Kurutsuchi stood in the lab, researching his latest project, when he heard breathing behind him. He spun around to see Byakuya staring awkwardly at him. "Yes Captain Kuchiki?"

"Science!" Byakuya yelled, "Energy!" he turned his head to the left. "Science!" he yelled again, turning his head to the right, "Energy!" He screamed looking directly at Kurutsuchi, who began to back away from the obviously deranged captain of squad six.

Byakuya smiled and began flash-stepping around the room, "Electrolyes! Turbolytes! Powerlytes! More lights than your body has room for!!"

"What drugs did squad four give you?!"

"You'll be so fast, mother nature will be like," He stopped, throwing his hands out in front of him, "Sloooooowwww dooowwwwnn." And you'll be like..."Fuck you!" and kick her in the face with your energy legs!!" He screamed throwing a kick directly at Kurutsuchi's face, missing, and disappearing as fast as he came.

"I always new that man had problems..." Kurutsuchi muttered, getting back to work as if nothing had happened.

~*~

Rukia met up with Renji a little later.

"Renji, do you have any idea what happened to Byakuya?" She asked. Renji shrugged, "Not a clue. Why what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know. But he's passing out some drink to people and acting like a spokesperson for it... or something. I'm kind of scared."

As if on cue, his Captain appeared before him, smiling and wide-eyed, still hyped up on Powerthirst. "Captain?"

Byakuya laughed, "You'll have so much energy!" He yelled.

"Energy! Aaaaahhhhh!" Shunsui screamed again, this time joined by Ichigo, who crushed his Rawberry can against his forehead as he screamed.

"Just running all the time!!" Byakuya said, beginning to flash-step again, getting faster with every word. "Power running, power lifting, power sweeping, power dating, power eating, power laughing, power spawning...." He stopped between Rukia and Renji, looked from one to the other, took a deep breath and screamed, "Babies!!!"

"What?!" Renji and Rukia yelled back.

"You'll have so many babies!!!" Byakuya shouted

"400 babies!!!" Ichigo and Shunsui chimed in.

"Give Shockolate to your babies and they'll be good at sports!" Byakuya continued, shoving a can of Shockolate Powerthirst into both Renji and Rukia's hands. "Make your babies run abnormally fast!" He continued, "They'll run as fast as KENYANS! People will watch them running and think they're KENYANS! They'll race as fast as KENYANS! against actual KENYANS! and it'll be a tie, and they'll get deported back to KENYAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" He trailed off, breathing heavily.

"Captain Kuchiki?" Renji asked, almost laughing, "Are you alright?"

"Hey!" Byakuya yelled, snapping back, "Go with the sure thing! Don't gamble on your energy!"

"Snake eyes!" Ichigo and Shunsui shouted, pointing at Renji's eyes. Byakuya put his hands on his hips, staring off into space, "Try Powerthirst! The energy that will make you..."

"Aaaahhh!"

"SPORTS!" Byakuya screamed.

"Aaaahhh!" Ichigo and Shunsui passed out on the ground.

Byakuya smiled, waved his hand once, and disappeared. After a moment, Renji laughed, "That was wondeful!"

"What?" Rukia asked.

"I never thought putting some Powerthirst in his Tea would be so much fun!"

"RENJI!"

~*~

END....(or is it?)

SPORTS!