An Immodest Puppet's Proposal

Chapter 7:

Thrice Accursed Exposition

Sorry for the really long wait. I had this chapter almost completely typed over a week ago, but then the computer crashed, forcing me to start over on this more than 3,000 word chapter.

On the bright side, I have finally gotten this chapter posted up, and the next one shouldn't be nearly as problematic for me as this one was.

On a related note, I'm pretty sure this is the longest anything that I've ever submitted anywhere in my whole life. All for the purpose of becoming a writer.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" A strangely familiar feminine voice asked worriedly.

"Illia?" Midna gasped in bewilderment. What was she doing here?

The corn blond girl looked taken aback, but she replied, "Yes, I'm Illia... but who are you?"

Realizing she had made a blunder, Midna quickly covered her proverbial ass (while leaving her literal ass blessedly bare). "Er.... Link told me about you," Midna sort-of-lied.

This time, it was Illia's turn to gasp. "Really? You know Link?"

Midna nodded slowly, "Yeah, in a way...."

Illia leaped into the air. "Yay!" She cheered, "This is great. Let's be friends!"

Midna stared dumbly at the happily dancing girl. She didn't have the heart to tell someone like Illia that her love was a sex-crazed maniac. "Um...." she paused, unsure what to say in such a delicate situation.

Illia babbled cheerfully on, oblivious to the Twilit beauty's struggle. "We can have sleepovers and tell each others fortunes and-"

"Um... Illia...."

"-ride ponies and-"

"Illia...."

"-read teen fashion magazines and-"

"Illia."

"-talk about boys and-"

"Illia!" Midna shouted in annoyance. In the distance she heard someone yell at her to shut up, but she paid them no heed. "Illia," she repeated again.

"What?" the girl asked innocently.

"I'm busy with something very important, and I don't have time for this. Can you tell me where Princess Zelda might be?" Midna asked earnestly. There was very little chance that Illia actually knew anything about this, but Midna was desperate for a lead.

Illia rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "No," she said after thinking for a few minutes, "but maybe you can ask the people around here?" she added helpfully.

Midna sighed. "I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to just go up to people and ask them about the princess while I'm butt-naked - someone might think I'm crazy."

Illia could have done a spit take. "Ohmigosh! You're naked!" She exclaimed, pointing her finger at Midna's breasts.

"You... You're not very bright, are you." Midna observed with glazed eyes.

Illia pouted cutely. "Aww... Dat's not vewy nice," she mumbled childishly with downcast eyes. Then she looked back up at Midna and beamed. "but that's okay, I forgive you - we're friends now, after all," she chirped happily, before tightly hugging the deposed Twilit princess to her small bosom. "And don't you worry about Zelda," she cooed comfortingly, "I'll take care of everything!" She said before running off to do who-knows-what.

"...." Midna stared, mouth agape, at the spot where Illia had just been. She was too shocked at the fact that she had just been glomped by another girl -while naked- to do anything else.

Midna just hoped the girl would be back soon.

Ashei stared in bewilderment at the girl standing before her, who claimed to be seeking the princess. It seemed exceedingly suspicious in her opinion...

She glanced at her partner, Hanz, wondering what he thought about this, to find him grinning appraisingly at the sight of the girl's perky breasts stretching the fabric of her worn-out green shirt. Hanz was such a pervert....

With a long-suffering sigh, Ashei smacked Hanz upside the head to snap him out of his daze. It worked like a charm.

"Huh?" Hanz grunted dumbly, still distracted with thoughts too nc-17 for even this fic. "The princess?"

"Yes," Illia (for it was indeed her) said frankly, "my friend needs to see the princess."

Hanz eyed her warily as he pondered his options. He knew from his many female informants throughout Hyrule that the alleged Hero of Destiny, Link (who conveniently shared his name with many Hylian heroes of yore) had gone mad with the power of the Triforce. Hanz had also heard that the once-valiant Ordonian farmhand supposedly now suffered from a plethora of heretical delusions concerning the Threads of Fate (tm).

This attractive young girl could very well be an acquaintance of Link, since she was clearly Ordonian - her absolute lack of modesty and nonexistent sense of personal space (as evidenced by the adorably puckered lips that were less than a millimeter from his painfully throbbing groin) were a dead giveaway.

With a pleading look at his partner - who met his eyes and, seeing the desire in them, rolled her eyes in annoyance, but nonetheless nodded in assent - Hanz pulled his trousers down and stuffed himself into Illia's smiling mouth.

Lemon

By the time Illia was done with him, Hanz was too spent to even move, and instead lay spreadeagled on the ground.

He looked up at Ashei pleadingly. He couldn't even move his lips to form words.

Ashei looked down at Hanz with an 'I-told-you-so' smirk. She had warned him many times before about biting off more than he could chew.

Illia happily whistled a cheery little ditty in ignorant bliss. She was clearly very pleased with herself.

Zelda watched them in a stupor, apparently forgotten for the time being. She gave the author a look that clearly said either 'This would be a great spot for a time-skip,' or 'Fuck me raw, you handsome, sexy stallion! I want your thick, manly seed to fill and cover every single and conceivable surface in and on my unworthy body. Fuck me now!'

Either way, the author agreed and complied with her wishes one hundred percent.

Link looked at Yeto, and Yeto looked at Link. Then Link looked at Yeta, and Yeta looked at the bulge in Link's tunic where his penis was, and Link's penis stood proudly at attention.

The three of them were gathered in front of the yetis' fire place, where the only sound was the crackling of the flames consuming their fuel, and the occasional snap of a log getting a crack in its surface.

Link fidgeted, unconsciously trying to shift unnaturally large junk into a more discreet position. Yeta's chest was getting him rather aroused. Her snow-white fur was somehow parted like a curtain, giving Link a generous view of her dark gray skin.

"Uh, boy want snoo-snoo, yes?" Yeta walked closer to Link, her form holding him enraptured with a kind of primal attraction.

Link felt himself harden in anticipation, and, in a split second, he decided to do the snoo-snoo with Yeta. Without further ado, he discarded his tunic and got right to work.

Now, for those of you at home, I feel that a lesson in Hylian biology might be in order. Link is a member of a rare subspecies of Homo sapien known as Homo sapien-hylius, which would be virtually identical to ordinary humans but for a few distinguishing characteristics. Yetis, on the other hand, are far removed from the human gene pool, having more in common with the extinct Gigantopithecus blackii than with anything in the genus Homo. Also, much like chimpanzees, or Pan troglodytes, yetis, while having a high percentage of DNA in common with humans, are nonetheless anatomically incompatible with humans. Think about that for a moment.

...Done? Good.

"What, done already?" Link casually asked the female yeti as he inspected his nails for dirt. He had only come twice, nowhere near enough to sate his lust, but apparently six orgasms was more than Yeta could handle, because she was out cold.

Link frowned as he looked down at his bigger-than-ever penis. It was too big for him to fit into his pants, and he wasn't sure if he walk properly with so much of it dragging on the floor like that.

Link puzzled on this problem for several minutes before he was struck by inspiration. "Oh, Yeto!"

Sweaty and panting, Ashei dropped Hanz, whom she had been carrying, to the floor. It had taken longer than they had initially expected (largely due to the detour they had taken in order to pick up Illia's friend), but they had finally reached the small, scarcely furnished apartment that Hanz called home.

Hanz rubbed his bottom, sore from being dropped carelessly onto the stone floor. For a moment, he regretted his decision to not waste money on carpeting for his apartment, but that notion was quickly discarded by the frugality instilled in him by his father.

With a grunt, Hanz beckoned to the three girls who weren't Ashei. They moved closer to him until their bodies (all in various states of undress - Midna was still naked and Zelda was still wearing her indecent dressing gown) were tightly pressed into his own. His eyes glinted, and Hanz suddenly tore apart the clothing of everyone present, including himself.

"Hey! What was that for?" Zelda demanded as she reflexively tried to hide her shame.

Hanz gave her an unsettling smile. "It's the primary component of the spell I'm going to cast."

This time it was Midna's turn to snap at him. "What kind of retarded spell would require us to be naked?"

"A fertility spell," Hanz stated matter-of-factly.

"What?" Ashei blanched, "Why would you need a fertility spell?"

"It was a joke."

"...What?"

"It's not a fertility spell, it's a healing spell - Memoriam Restoratum, to be precise. And only Zelda actually needs to be naked for it."

"Then why did you take everyone's clothes off?"

"Most ancient spells were followed by orgies."

Ashei glared at him. "Is Memoriam Restoratum an ancient spell?"

"Well... no."

"And is its effectiveness increased by being followed by an orgy?"

"Yea- er, I mean, no."

"Then there will be no orgy," Ashei said firmly.

"Fine," Hanz sulked, "but I can't promise that the spell will work perfectly; there is a slight chance that Zelda will try to fuck the first person or thing she remembers... So I really hope she remembers someone good." With a final sigh, Hanz cracked his knuckles and started chanting. "Bippity boppity boop!" He said with a grandiose flourish.

Zelda's eyes widened and her expression became distant. "I-I remember..." She mumbled, "Midna... Link! Oh goodness, Link... I-I fear he might have been corrupted by the Triforce of Power!"

"Huh? That's absurd!" Midna exclaimed.

"Not necessarily," Hanz interjected, "if you took certain verses out of context, you could conceivably arrive at that conclusion.... But I digress; we have business to take care of," He stated firmly. He was back in officer mode, and he was ready to kick the ass of anyone who got in his way... as long as they were smaller than he.

Ashei snapped an involuntary salute. This was the man she had fallen in love with - the forceful, no-nonsense hardass who had pulled her into a dark alley and fucked her sideways before he had even learned her name; the ambitious knight who took whatever he wanted: be it money, power, or women. She stared longingly at his flaccid penis, before she gave him another salute (this time making sure to give him an eyeful of her firm, well-formed breasts).

"Now, Midna," Hanz said to the twilight woman, "I have something to show you," He held out his hands, and there was a flash of light.

When Midna could see again, she was surprised by the sight that met her eyes. "It can't be," she murmured in awe, "The Fused Shadow.... But, how?"

"It was restored with a forbidden magic that has been passed down in my family for centuries: the Triforce of Binding," Hanz said as he held up an extremely gaudy golden medallion bearing the image of an inverted Triforce, each triangle made of a different stone: ruby, sapphire, emerald, and diamond. "Do you see that?" He indicated the center triangle, the one made of diamond. If you looked closely, you could see that a circle, bisected by a verticle line that went from the bottom to the top of the triangle, was inscribed onto the surface. "This is a diagram of the Triforce in its original form. In this, Power, represented by the ruby triangle, is ruled by Courage and Wisdom, respectively represented by the emerald and the sapphire triangles," he explained. Everyone was watching the medallion intently, prepared for important mission regarding an epic quest. "But that's not all," he continued, "the triangle of diamond in the center represents the fabled Triforce of Binding, from which my family's magic is derived, and which is believed to contain the power of the all-father of the goddesses, Ord the Old."

Zelda gasped, "Ord? Don't listen to him!" she exhorted her companions, "Ord is the King of Darkness who commands the Dark Beast, Ganon!" She looked at Hanz and narrowed her eyes, "But I never would have suspected you to be a follower... especially since all the priests of Ord were executed as heretics centuries ago."

Midna put her hand on Zelda's shoulder. "Zelda... I'm afraid to say it, but what he's saying, well, lines up with the doctrines of the Twili.... I think the Hylians may have been the ones making the mistake this time," she whispered, not wanting to offend her friend.

Zelda was taken aback. "N-no... it can't be true. That's impossible!"

"Search your heart," Midna admonished, "you know it to be true."

Zelda dropped to her knees in despair, her pleasantly plump booty jiggling in time with her fat (phat?) titties. "Nooo!" she howled in anguish. Tears welled up in her eyes, and the fell to her breasts with a splash, only to be licked up by Midna.

"Don't cry, Zelda," Illia said as she patted Zelda's bottom comfortingly, "if you must cry, then cry with the tears from between your legs. Those tears are much sweeter," she cooed.

Zelda wiped the tears from her eyes as she fought to hold back a lustful moan. Midna's licking was quickly becoming very arousing and very sensual, and Zelda didn't want to succumb to such base desires a second time.... Not after what happened to her chambermaid....

"N-no," she managed to squeak out. She felt Midna and Illia stop, and she nervously cleared her throat before continuing, "We should let Hanz finish his speech," she looked at the captain and performed a kowtow, pressing her erect nipples into the cold floor. "Please forgive me, Hanz. I am sorry for my outburst. I-I should trust you... you've always gone above and beyond the call of duty - whatever you do, you have Hyrule's best interests at heart..." Zelda lifted her gaze to the captain's eyes, only to see something terrifying.

Behind Hanz's shoulder there was a tall, shadowy figure. I looked as real and substantial as anything else in the room, yet Zelda somehow knew that she was the only one able to see it. The apparition -for that is surely what the thing was- had an appearance like fire; it seemed to flicker and dance and shrink and grow, like some kind of unholy black flame on the tip of a twisted, phallic candle. Zelda felt its gaze pierce her like a splinter, in spite of the phantom's conspicuous lack of eyes.

Suddenly, Zelda perceived an overwhelming number of jumbled visions. Most of them were too distorted or otherworldly for her to discern, but she could make out a few. There was a murder of crows roosting in the remains of a burnt-out temple, vultures circling in the sky above a skull-shaped hill, an overturned tombstone, a bloody dagger in a naked back, a scythe in a pair of skeletal hands, a viper in tall grass, a barren womb, a shattered hourglass, weeping stones, a ticking clock, a black cat with horns and a non-euclidian pitchfork, a moth-eaten rag, a 'death' tarot card, the kingdom of Hyrule in flames, and Tingle and Navi fucking.

Zelda felt a cold, lifeless hand pinch her butt. She snapped out of her daze to find Hanz's "head" resting comfortably in her "lap". She sadly gazed into his black eyes. "I fear that we shan't meet again," she whispered.

Hanz grinned as he felt his "head" twitch. "Well, if that's the case, then how about giving me a parting gift? Your virginity, perhaps?"

Zelda blushed coyly. "Oh, you incorrigible old dog, you," she giggled before spreading legs, discarding all pretenses of modesty. "Like this?" she asked with a mischievous smile.

Wanna know something interesting? This and the previous chapter were originally intended to be a single chapter, but between countless revisions of the yeti section, and the lack of progress I had been making, I had no choice but to split them into two. I personally feel that this was the right decision, because it has allowed me to focus on quality.

I had to keep myself from making that list of visions three pages long, and if anyone can tell me the common theme in the visions, they will get... nothing, but at least they'll be secure in the knowledge that they posess at least rudimentary association abilities.

Also, Tingle/Navi is now my OTP.

...Not really. That would be a bit of a stretch, even for me.

R&R and TTFN!