THE ADVENTURES OF PLUM RUNNER
By Rosa and Mudepoz
Consider this a warning. This is the result of one twisted writer from the US and one twisted writer from the UK making their own fun in a deserted chatroom for a while. It made us laugh while we wrote it. A lot. We've left it in its original message format because it was all part of the fun.
We aren't making any money and we make no claim to either the Plum characters or Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote. Alas, all of them are innocent victims of our deranged imaginations.
And now, either step away or proceed at your own risk. To those brave souls that continue, we hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it.
Mud and Rosa
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 3 hours ago:
Whistle, whistle, whistle while I work.
"Beep Beep," said Plum Runner.
"I'm going to get you with this rocket," said Wiley Joe Coyote.
Whoosh, went Steph.
Crunch went Joe as his rocket hit the side of the Mesa.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message 33 minutes ago:
"My, what a big rocket you have between your legs, Mr Coyote. I've always wanted a rocket like that."
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 27 minutes ago:
"Get your OWN rocket, Ranger," said Wiley Joe Coyote.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message 15 minutes ago:
"I'll be back," said the second coyote, flexing his muscles and letting the desert sun catch his curved, shining teeth, ting. "And when I am, it's on, bitch."
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
He pulled a slim cellphone out from under his coffee-colored fur and speed-dialed the Acme Company. "I need a rocket. The fastest, shiniest, most phallic rocket you can give me. And it has to be black."
He ended the call without saying goodbye. "If anyone's going to get to eat Plum Runner, it's going to be me."
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 17 minutes ago:
"Beep beep," shouted Plum Runner as she raced past the dark coated coyote. She stopped, stared, then ran faster.
I see plum pudding on the horizon, thought Dark Coyote.
Not unless I get to her first, thought Wiley Joe Coyote, as he reached into his coat for his cell phone and punched up Acme. "I need the biggest, fastest, catapult that you have. Yes, I want it pre-assembled."
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
Dark Coyote streaked across the desert on his shiny, phallic rocket. He retracted the foreskin for minimum wind resistance and reached maximum speed. Plum Runner was in his sights when something hurtled overhead.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 9 minutes ago:
Wiley Joe Coyote set up the catapult, with his grey, sleek, hairy-assed body in the bucket. He struck the rope holding the bucket in position. It made a tremendous twanging noise and he flew like Superman over the phallus that the dark coyote was mounted on!
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
Dark Coyote grinned with triumph as Wiley Joe overshot his target and smacked into the side of a mesa. "You need some target practice, bitchass."
He disappeared around the mountain, his rocket's balls swinging out to the side as he cornered sharply. The nose cone elevated as it caught sight of Road Runner's curly butt feathers in the distance.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 5 hours ago:
Wiley Joe Coyote slowly slid off the wall of the mesa. He picked himself up and brushed the dust off his fine, glossy grey coat.
He pulled out his cellphone as he watched the rapidly disappearing phallic rocket. "Yes, I need it yesterday. I don't give a shit if it's sent by pelican mail. I need it immediately. Yes! One industrial strength hurricane fan, two tons of TNT and a hang glider."
He looked up and saw his packages fall from the beak of a pelican. He scooped them up, laughed maniacally and made his preparations for the rapidly disappearing phallic rocket.
Rosa from x.x.x.2 left this message 6 hours ago:
Dark Coyote zoomed towards his target, leaving a long dust cloud in his wake. He licked his lips in anticipation. Surely nothing could keep him from doing whatever he wanted to Plum Runner now...
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 4 hours ago:
Not realizing that the dust was being raised by the powerful blades of the hurricane fans, Dark Coyote didn't look behind him and see the hanglider sliding coolly on the wind. Wiley Joe pushed the tons of TNT from the glider, to a point where the tip of the mighty black phallus would be in moments...
Wiley chuckled evilly. Chuckle chuckle chuckle.
Rosa from x.x.x.2 left this message 2 hours ago:
The tons of TNT plummeted toward the rocket and hit. A bright blossom of flame exploded where the rocket had been.
When the smoke cleared, Dark Coyote was hanging in mid-air, fur black and smoking, legs akimbo as if the rocket was still between his legs. He fell to the ground with an ashy crump.
In the distance Plum Runner yelled, "Beep beep," and disappeared over the horizon.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 27 minutes ago:
Caught in the backwash, Wiley Joe Coyote plummeted to the Earth, wrapped in the crumpling silken sails of his kite.
Curses, foiled again, he thought as he watched Dark Coyote land not far from him, and the curly tail of Plum Runner disappeared into the distance.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
"Time for a different approach," Dark Coyote muttered as he piled the donuts in the middle of the road. "Come on Plum Runner, come to Papi." He hid around the corner and waited.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 53 minutes ago:
Meanwhile, Wily Joe grabbed a box, a stick, and some pineapple upside down cake. He put the cake on a plate in the shadow of the mesa, next to a tree close to the road, so that Plum Runner could see it. He used the stick to prop the box over the cake and hid behind the tree holding a string tied to the stick.
"You are MINE, Plum Runner! And when I get you, I will enjoy your wishbone and all the parts between!"
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
Dark Coyote spotted the new trap, and realised that Plum Runner would see the pineapple upside down cake before the donuts. He tiptoed up to a new mesa with a better view and poked his head out around the side. There was no sign of Plum Runner yet. "Try to upstage me would you, Wiley J?"
He hid a bomb with a fizzing fuse in the middle of a pineapple and rolled it into Wiley J Coyote's trap.
BOOM!
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 31 seconds ago:
Pineapple upside cake rained down everywhere.
"Beep beep." Plum Runner raced past, beak raised to catch every precious crumb. "Beep beep!" She twitched her tail and took off.
Wiley J was not deterred. He would beat the dark one. Taking a paint brush, he painted a tunnel on a mesa, then a road leading to it.
More than one way to disrobe, errr, skin a Plum Runner, thought Wiley J as he finished his painting.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
Dark Coyote realised too late that Plum Runner was past the trap and heading for his own. He turned and sprinted back to his heap of donuts.
He was too late. Plum Runner was licking the last crumbs from her beak as he got there. The sight of her pink bird tongue sliding over her beak made his dark fur bulge in interesting places.
"Beep beep," she murmured with satisfaction before zooming away.
Dark Coyote concealed his discomfort with his paws and retreated to the cover of the nearest mesa.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 6 minutes ago:
(Wondering about cross species sex)
Plum Runner noticed the tracks detouring from the road and over to the wall of the mesa. With a casual, "Beep beep," she twitched her tailfeathers and shook her head feathers, and rolled to the tunnel. She entered the trompe l'oiel tunnel without looking back. Not to be undone, Wiley Joe got to his feet and chased her in, slamming against the side of the wall. As he slowly peeled off the wall, a train left the tunnel, beep beeping and running over the hapless coyote, flattening him.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
(ROFL! Good one!)
Rocket back under control, Dark Coyote wandered over and poked Wily J Coyote with his toe. Wily J didn't stir. Dark Coyote rapped the painted-on tunnel with his knuckles. Solid. Dark Coyote shrugged, stepped over Wily J Coyote's flattened body and walked around the mesa instead.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 32 minutes ago:
( I am concerned how he is controlling his big rocket and walking)
Wiley J, no longer stunned, picked his cell phone out of his pocket, miraculously untouched. He punched up Acme once again, and ordered a huge rubber band and a very large 'Y' shaped stick. He also requested a giant mallet.
Rubbing the bumps on the top of his noggin, he leaned against the mesa and plotted while he waited for his materials to be delivered.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message 2 minutes ago:
Dark Coyote hurtled along the highway in pursuit of Plum Runner, dust cloud stretching out behind him. He heard a distant "Beep beep!" in front of him. Without slowing down, he struck a match and carefully lit the fuses for the rockets strapped to his feet. With a whoosh, he accelerated towards his quarry.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 9 hours ago:
Wiley Joe narrowed his eyes as he watched Dark Coyote tearing down the road. He gathered up his materials and set up the gigantic sling shot. He placed a perfectly round bomb in the crotch of the sling, pulled back, then held a match to the fuse. As he let the sling loose, the support slowly fell forward on him and the bomb went off in his face.
He got up, brushed himself off, and pulled out the cell phone one more time.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
(Damn that one needed a spew warning. I just nearly sprayed the screen. ROFL. Okay, so, getting back the story:)
Unaware of his narrow escape, Dark Coyote closed on Plum Runner. He reached out his hands to grip her curly tail feathers.
Without slowing down, Plum Runner turned her head to look at him and grinned. "Beep beep," she yelled, and made a sharp left turn to avoid the edge of the canyon ahead.
Dark Coyote realised too late that he couldn't steer his rockets. He shot out over the cliff into the air. His only hope now was to make it to the other side. He leaned forward like a ski-jumper to help his flight.
The rockets sputtered and failed halfway across, leaving him suspended in mid air. Looking sorrowfully at the safety of the road ahead, he plummeted to the ground below.
A pathetic puff of dust marked the impact.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 9 hours ago:
(Speaking of spew warning! Stupid Chatzy changed formats, so I couldn't get back on…)
Wiley Joe noticed the bane of his life making nothing more than a tiny poof and smiled coyotely. He placed another order, this time for beer, pizza and a bear trap. Better to be safe than sorry, he thought.
He leaned against a cactus, yelped and started looking for tweezers while waiting for his next order.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
(Roadrunner. Hmm. Maybe it's time to resurrect that one and finish it properly)
Dark Coyote took two pebbles from a box of Acme dehydrated boulders and stuffed them into the pouch that hung around his neck. He put a bottle of water in the utility belt at his waist and settled in to wait for Plum Runner.
He spotted the trademark dust cloud approaching and got in position at the top of the overhang to spring his boulder trap: one in front to stop her, one behind to cut off her escape and she would be trapped in the canyon and his for the taking.
He watched as Plum Runner approached the narrow pass.
She looked up and blew him a kiss before stopping and straightening her plumage in a shimmy of soft blue feathers.
A drop of saliva trickled down the tongue that unrolled and hung out of Dark Coyote's mouth. Slowly, inevitably, it collected at the tip and dropped onto the pouch at his neck.
The boulders rehydrated with a loud pop and became huge, ponderous chunks of rock. Still tied to them by the string around his neck, Dark Coyote plummeted head first to the ground far below.
mudepoz from x.x.x.144 left this message 6 hours ago:
A helicopter dropped Wiley Joe's order to the top of a nearby mesa. He ate a slice of pizza as he contemplated the trap.
He laid the bear trap out on the flat mesa top, baited it with some of the cold pizza and a warm beer, and piled dry creosote bushes and tumbleweeds to hide the trap.
He climbed back down the steep Mesa walls and painted a sign pointing to the top of the Mesa.
[à Free Pizza and Beer]
He hid behind another pile of bushes and waited. If he caught the black menace or the Plum Runner he didn't care. It was ALL good.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
A loud "Beep beep" alerted him to Plum Runner's arrival. She stepped daintily over the circle of brush and started wolfing down pizza. Wiley Joe waited for the trap to spring, leaving Plum Runner at his mercy.
It didn't.
It didn't matter. She was just a short leap away. He sprang into the air and descended towards his feathery target. As he spread his arms wide she looked up, winked and zoomed away. He landed face first in the pizza with a splat.
As sticky blobs of cheese and tomato slid down his nose, the trap finally snapped shut, sinking steely teeth into his ankle and releasing a big fat spark. The tinder dry bushes ignited with a whoosh and a circle of flame sprang up around Wiley Joe.
A whoosh and a crackle and it was all over. Wiley Joe's sleek coat of gray fur charred and fell away, leaving his pale skin bare in the Arizona sun. His face flamed as he crossed his hands over his groin.
Rosa from x.x.x.66 left this message:
(Heh, dibs on the finale)
Three trails of dust told a story. Plum Runner streaking ahead, Wiley Joe Coyote in hot pursuit on a pair of roller blades. Dark Coyote in rocket-boosted running shoes closing in from the other direction. A jagged mesa towered up on one side. A canyon fell away on the other, bottom barely visible far below. Caught in a pincer movement, Plum Runner's days of freedom were over. One of them was going to catch her.
Wiley Joe spotted Dark Coyote moving in from the other direction and picked up the pace. His roller blades were a blur of movement as he closed in on Plum Runner. Dark Coyote saw the movement and accelerated too, determined to be the one that claimed her.
Plum Runner looked ahead and saw Dark Coyote, then back over her shoulder at Wiley Joe. Both were moving towards her at breakneck pace, arms extended. She smiled.
When both of them were a feather's length away, she shouted, "Beep beep," stepped to the side and disappeared into the canyon. Too late to brake, Wily Joe Coyote and Dark Coyote carried on.
The crash shook the earth. A mushroom cloud rose above the impact.
In the canyon, Plum Runner floated gently down, an enormous pair of polka-dotted panties billowing and catching the wind like sails. A little white tag on the side said 'E E Martin'. Not everything in life had to come from ACME, after all.
THE END