Author's Note: Originally part of something bigger, but I gave up on it. Unbeta-ed.

Disclaimer: Fyodor Dostoevsky. Twilight. Ian McEwan.

i utter what you dare not speak

I shouldn't be here, Bella thinks, shouldn't be doing this.

Her back is to the wall, one arm held parallel to the ground, palm flush against the wall. Above her splayed fingers is a flea market painting, all blues and pinks and greens, a sunset. Its frame rattles as Bella is pushed further into the wall, the back of her head knocks the plaster and pain blooms red on her scalp.

Stop this, her mind screams, but Jacob's tongue is circling her clit and the savage thought drowns in the guttural noise that escapes Bella's lips. Her hips instinctively shift forward, and the hand on her hip tightens, fingers digging into her flesh.

"God," Bella manages to choke out, the tiny fingers of her free hand tangling in the black tufts of Jacob's hair.

For a moment she drifts away from her body, relives a conversation from the beginning of Summer. It'd been nearly a month since she'd seen Jacob, and when she did her heart had leapt into her throat. She'd swallowed thickly, meant to apologize or say something clever, but had only managed to spit out a weak "Your hair's growing out."

Jacob's hand had shot up, then hovered dumbly beside his face before dropping awkwardly to his side. He'd nodded, said softly, "Yeah."

Bella had grinned nervously up at him, whispered "I like it" as if confessing a secret. Jacob had then given her a matching grin, and the guilty weight on her chest began to lighten.

"Oh," Bella breathes now, back arching. She bites her lower lip as Jacob's hand leaves a blazing trail across the soft flesh of her thigh. She tries to remember how she got here, back to the wall, one leg dangling uselessly over Jacob's massive shoulder.

Her thoughts are fuzzy and far away, nothing but white noise. She vaguely recalls Jacob teasing her about not being able to tell the difference between a Harley and a Yamaha, and then…and then what? He'd been laughing, and Bella had found her eyes fixed on him, wondering how the sound the rumbled from deep within his belly would taste. Oh, she remembers, sighing as his tongue darts inside her, that's right. She'd kissed him.

It'd been soft at first, the kind of lazy kiss lovers share on early mornings, sunlight slinking through the window. Then Jacob had swept his tongue across Bella's bottom lip, and she'd found herself trying to devour him. She almost laughs at the memory, but Jacob's tongue is replaced by his fingers, and Bella groans, pitching forward.

"Christ," she murmurs, two of Jacob's fingers slipping inside of her. "Jake, please."

There's molten lava running through her veins, slinking between bone and muscle until the whole of her is on fire. Every bit of her hums, radiates with heat. Jacob's fingers continue to slip in and out of her, thumb rubbing her clit, and she's a volcano. Christ, she's a volcano, magma rolling hot in the pit of her. She comes with his name on the tip of her tongue, a fucking explosion. She's Mount Bella, and her release rocks straight through her, leaves her drained.

She slumps against the wall, unable to hold herself up on her own. Every bit of her trembles, and she runs her hands through Jacob's hair, the strands like silk on her palm, as he places a soft kiss on her inner leg. He licks a warm path up her thigh, kisses where leg and pelvis meet, then pulls back to look Bella in the eyes.

She feels drunk as she stares back at him from beneath heavy lids. His eyes are darker than she's ever seen. His hand comes up, slowly removes her leg from his shoulder. Bella's knees are weak, and she slides to the floor. She wonders briefly if her legs will ever work again.

"You're beautiful," Jacob says, voice low, and Bella ducks her head, blushes. In front of her Jacob chuckles, reaches out and pulls her to his chest. His laughter shakes Bella's whole being. "Honestly, Bells, you let me do that to you, and you're blushing because I called you beautiful?"

"Shut up," Bella mumbles defensively, lightly punching Jacob on the arm. He just chuckles in response, reaches out for her discarded clothes and helps her into them. His hands run burning trails over her pale flesh as he slides her pink cotton panties back on, kisses the small white bow on the hem. Bella's breath catches, and she grips fiercely at his shoulders as he guides first one leg, then the other, into her jeans.

Her heart pounds hard as he buttons her jeans, his large hands sliding to rest on her hips. He grins up at her, "Hey."

"Hi," Bella answers shyly. Jacob smiles and Bella mimics it.

Jacob's smile falters suddenly, and Bella watches, stricken, as his expression sobers. His eyes become sad, and Bella wants to cup his face, tell him to stop it.

"You should go," Jacob says softly, and guilt clamps down firmly on Bella's heart. It squeezes its grey fingers hard, and her heart pumps twice as fast against the feeling.

"Right," she nods, slipping out of Jacob's grasp and walking towards the door. "I guess I'll see you later, or something."

"Yeah," Jacob answers, voice thick. Bella stays standing in the doorway of the Black's house, willing Jacob to look at her. His gaze stays stubbornly fixed on where she stood moments ago, and Bella levels a sigh, closes the door behind her.

The cold air of Forks bites at her exposed skin, and she pulls her arms around her middle as she trudges over to her truck. The door groans in protest as she swings it open, climbs into the cab. The engine roars to life, and Bella stays parked for a few minutes, eyes on the cozy red house before her. She pictures Jacob inside, heaving a sigh after she left and staggering to his feet. She visualizes the way his shoulders slope, and the way he'll glance around the tiny living room.

She fights back the guilt, the confusion, the loss. Bella focuses solely on the task at hand, getting back home. With a heavy heart, she puts the vehicle in drive. The ride is silent, and all stray thoughts of Jacob's wandering hands get shoved to the back of her mind. No, she thinks fiercely, you will not dwell on this.

She arrives at Charlie's sooner that she anticipated, sits silently in the cab. It's now, in the still of night, that she lets her mind drift back to the day's events.

She'd kissed Jacob. Okay, and then what? Things had escalated from there, but what had happened? They'd kissed, Bella's hands holding onto Jacob's arms for dear life, and then his mouth had left hers. He'd kissed a trail down her jaw, back up to her ear. Oh God, she thinks suddenly, recalling the way his teeth had grazed her earlobe, and he'd whispered into her ear "In my dreams I kiss your cunt, your sweet wet cunt. In my thoughts I make love to you all day long."

Bella recalls being shocked, her body becoming motionless. Her heart had beat ferociously against her ribs, straining to burst free. Jesus, Bella thinks now, hands tightening around the steering wheel. Christ. She remembers looking at Jacob with wide eyes.

"What?" He'd asked defensively, untangling himself from her. "I read."

Oh God, Bella had felt a steady pulse start between her legs, and she'd flung herself at Jacob with renewed vigor. She'd kissed and licked and nipped at every inch of his skin available to her. His hands found perch on her hips, and she hazily relives the way he'd backed her against the wall while she'd murmured "Okay" into his burning flesh.

A tap on the passenger window startles Bella from the depths of her memory, and she turns wide eyed to see Edward smiling at her.